AIBU for not wanting to go 50-50 on bills and other costs?

[bathoils]

I suspect that I will be told that I am being unreasonable but here goes.

I am in a relationship that is loving and committed and serious. The relationship is great and he makes me very happy. I hope and believe that I make him happy too and I think we are a good team.

The issue is... DP and I are from a culture where typically husbands pay for essential costs, such as food, bills, and essential clothing. It is not expected that luxuries are paid for however.

DP was raised in this culture but I was not born into it. I entered into later on in my life in my very early 20s.

Long story short, and yes as anti-feminist as it might sound, I have zero desire to split bills 50-50 or even proportionally in relation to income. It is my strong preference that DP will pay a little more than me and that we split things 70-30, or that he perhaps pays the bills and food costs and everything else we split. He doesn't want to do this and I did not realise this when I entered into the relationship as we did have a lot of conversations around how we would like a relationship and marriage to be, but this part seems to have caused confusion between us.

Essentially, there is no meeting of minds on this matter and DP says that this is not the sort of relationship he wants. The problem is that when we started dating this is exactly how things worked so I was of the understanding that they would continue on in this manner.

I am not looking to freeload off my partner, and would be very understanding of him not wanting this set-up until we are married, which is also my preference, but to not ever have it at all has caused me to feel 'less than' and down and depressed, as though somehow I am not as valuable as the women who are in this arrangement.

It is also important to state that I do not intend to give up work or to become financially reliant upon my partner once we are married, so the argument that I will be making myself vulnerable is not relevant here I don't think.

Given that it is so much more expensive to be a woman ('the pink tax'), and the gender pay gap, and the fact that at present I earn considerably less than him (although in the future that is set to change), I feel it is only fair. Not to mention the fact that I will have to make untold sacrifices to have children with him, in terms of my body, my pension, my career stagnation, my mental health, etc. For those reasons and more it feels fair to me that the split should be 70-30 or similar.

Has anyone been in a situation like this and how did you figure things out?
Breaking up is not an option. I really do love him. It is just that this has made me feel sad and confused. It has also impacted my libido as I am stressed about what the future holds.

I have put my hard hat on and I am ready to be told I am being ridiculous. This is just the way that I feel however, and I can't really change that.

Thank you in advance for any advice or musings!

I earn considerably less than him

So he should pay more. Why isn't he?
And he should agree that if you have kids, he pays while you are not earning etc

Well, both of you are wrong. It would be fair to split in proportion to income.

If you plan to marry and/or have children, you need to get on the same page financially first. It would be reasonable to expect him to support his family while you are on maternity leave, but that doesn't apple here?

What's this pink tax nonsense?

but to not ever have it at all has caused me to feel 'less than' and down and depressed, as though somehow I am not as valuable as the women who are in this arrangement.

Oh fgs, you didn't even grow up in this culture, of course being a freeloader and keeping most of the money you earn for yourself is appealing but it isn't the reality for most so this is an odd way to look at things.

I'd be more pissed off if I was your DP to be honest. I can understand it if you agree that you'll be a sahm or something but not just a wife because you feel 'less than' having to pay for your own lifestyle

Thank you @MCOut -- I think you are right, and you have given me some food for thought.

So I come from a culture where DH would pay for most things. But in practice for us I have tended to be the higher earner so it has been me covering most of the expenses beyond the mortgage. It started to cause resentment about 10 years in and we now put money aside in more or less equal pots and spend as a family unit. I still have disposable income for the odd treat but it is much less stress and more equitable.

Many people seem to be overlooking your point about the cultural norms you’ve mentioned. I don’t have an answer for you but I think relevant questions are: does he follow other apsects of the culture more rigidly? Why does he feel the financial arrangement is not appropriate, given the cultural expectations? What would his mother/ father think of his position on this matter? is it perhaps just that even within the culture more and more people are seeing it as an outdated approach?

citing pink tax does seem a little OTT but then if you want to/ he wants you to get dressed up, hair done, make up etc, then there are costs involved!

Citing the gender pay gap is also a little irrelevant as I think most couples deal with this by paying into the household proportionately to income.

I’m not sure I understand this.

You earn considerably less than him and you are talking about how finances will work when you’re married. Yes?

What is he proposing? 50/50? That would be unusual unless both parties earn similar.

I can’t say if YABU without knowing the sums involved, what your outgoings would be, and what his proposal is compared to yours.

However, I suspect you would get a more positive response from him if your requests weren’t couched in cultural expectations.

Does he expect you to meet the Other parts of the culture ? Are you expected to do the majority of house/childcare, manage elderly parents etc?

I think you should sit down write a list and go over everything with him.

if he expects you to act or meet other parts of the culture but wants to go 50/50 he might be pulling a cheeky one

So split proportionally now and when/if you decide it's time to make all these untold sacrifices for a family that you want as much as him then you agree the way forward then.

But please stop with all this nonsense about pink tax and gender pay gap, using it as an excuse to be supplemented as fully grown adult is ridiculous (and grabby)

How can you 'enter into' a culture later in life? Did you convert to Islam or something?
YANBU to want expenses split proportionately by income but all YABVVU for the other crap you're spouting. Not only is nobody holding a gun to your head and forcing you to reproduce - you might not even be able to!

Why should he foot the bill for you life 'now' in anticipation of some future event that may or may not occur?

Also if your life is going to be damaged that much by children ('mental health') then it's better for you to not have any. Not only that, if you need him to pay more ' in anticipation' he is essentially paying you to be primary caregiver.

Some things you can't get over like the physical impact but you don't HAVE to take a hit on your career and pension if you have a husband that actually pulls his weight. And financially prepare. A husband that treats you like a kept woman certainly isn't going to do that so you're creating a self-fulling prophecy. 'Pink tax' is also stupid don't buy products ';marketed towards women' unless you have no choice.

To be honest I don't think people are overlooking it so much as the op saying DP was raised in this culture but I was not born into it. I entered into later on in my life in my very early 20s.

Great advice. In particular, you'll want to make sure he isn't one of those men who's modern when it comes to money and sex but all of a sudden traditional when it comes to who does the burden of the domestic labour. They exist in plenty of cultures!

But also OP, it’s not about wether we think it’s unreasonable or not. People have different views and approaches to how they manage their relationships.

lots of women arw paying 50/50 while still doing 100% of the mental load and 90% childcare.

do what works for you, maybe your partner isn’t of that mindset, but there will be others who are.

Of course you want to freload. You say as much with your 'desire' not to pay.

I'd be telling you to grow up. You weren't even born into the culture. It's just convenient to you at this time.

Not being equal earners or one person doing unpaid work in a relationship (such as more cleaning etc) is a good reason not to go 50:50 on bills to me.

A bad reason to me is "because it is cultural". Because you shouldn't get to cherry pick the bits of culture that benefit you and ignore the bits that don't - for example man pays all the bills (benefits you), man takes charge of all the important financial decisions (doesn't benefit you).

Unless of course you are happy with all the cultural arrangements and not just the ones that benefit you. This of course goes for both parties.

When you are married, sharing money or splitting according to income is sensible. When you have kids, all money should be family money IMHO. But expecting him to pay more because of the expense of being a woman is something I would expect most men to rally against - and as a woman I do too. This is not a progressive stance.

Where were you both both OP? I can appreciate the cultural side I really do but can your partner afford this life? What would you do with YOUR spare money if this was to happen?.

I think you are being unrealistic if you both currently live in England then you have to adapt to an expensive way of living. Many things are different compared to other places...

Born**?

I've not read all posts. I think you need to pay proportionally to your wages, so you are both able to spend on treats or save equally otherwise you will be forever poor if it's 50/50. That's the fairer way.

However i am interested in your proposed division of household chores, garden, decorating and admin though. This is even before childcare division is thought about. Have you discussed that side properly yet or has that been "waved away" as unimportant?

What culture are you from that is so old fashioned about money.. but is fine with shagging before marriage? Hmm

Probably the same one that frowns upon alcohol or gambling but many of the men drink and bet. Its surprising what can be "overlooked" when needed.

Not really relevant but my granddad (South Asian) used to hand over his entire pay packet to my grandmother - she'd then give him his tea allowance! And money to invest/save. She was illiterate so couldn't read any of the numbers she had a joint bank account when that was allowed with a thumbprint instead of signature.
😂She very rarely bought herself anything except for nice sarees/temple jewellery.

That'll never happen in this day and age - men will give the 'little woman' pocket money and spend the rest as he likes.

YABU for posing this question in a forum like MN. Pose it in a forum that is aimed at people from your or a similar culture so the responses will better factor in your culture and more appropriately frame the limits of reasonableness. I have two very different nationalities so I’d do this.

FWIW….has he said why he wants to buck the trend? And what did he do in past relationships? Maybe you can agree on 70-30 once children come along. At the very least, 50-50 is not on - you don’t earn the same.

You pay proportionate to income

however in my opinion your attitude stinks in that he pays for most and you don’t contribute at all

Hm, imo you can't have it both ways. Yes to not paying 50:50 but rather proportionally to income, which might one day mean you paying more than him, but why should you keep your career and not pay for major outgoings indefinitely? What if he decides he'll pay for everything if you don't work? I doubt you'd be ok with that?