AIBU to tell DH he can’t socialise one night a week?

Calmondeck · 2023-10-13T08:15:53+00:00

In a nutshell, very sensitive toddler w cancer, 8 week old newborn, me just returned home from hospital after major surgery. DH wants to socialise one night a week (fair enough) but I am struggling doing dinner/bedtime routine alone as newborn screams/toddler get scared and starts crying. Do I just need to suck it up that this is life with multiple children? I told DH he is free every night after 8, but he wants freedom from 5pm

HarperMae · 13/10/2023 09:21

How long ago did you have major surgery?

Farmersswife · 13/10/2023 09:22

No you are not being unreasonable. You’ve said he can go after 8pm to me that’s fair enough in your situation.

what does he want to be doing??

do you get any child free time??

could you compromise and say he can have a morning / afternoon one day on the weekend? And you could ask a friend or family member to help you?

for me families & partners come first.

billy1966 · 13/10/2023 09:23

Completely unreasonable.

What a selfish request.

No he does not get to socialise from 5pm when you will have to juggle so much.

What an utterly selfish unreasonable ask.

Comedycook · 13/10/2023 09:24

I'm extremely easy going with DH going out but I'm absolutely with you. You sound like you're really going through a lot right now and he should help you out. Like you said, he can go out at 8. That's fine.

JustAMinutePleass · 13/10/2023 09:24

Who has Cancer you or toddler?

SaracensMavericks · 13/10/2023 09:25

Can you request the same (and leave a bottle of expressed milk if you're breastfeeding) to help him to understand how hard it is?

cadburyegg · 13/10/2023 09:25

Your dh is selfish. YANBU

pointythings · 13/10/2023 09:27

Ask him when you get to socialise.

You're currently a family in crisis. He needs to buckle down until you're through it. Doing otherwise is selfish.

VeridicalVagabond · 13/10/2023 09:29

Under normal circumstances, of course it's not unreasonable to want to socialise once a week.

Right now? No, absolutely not. These are the "worse" parts of those "better or worse" vows, and as hard as it is these are the situations the family unit needs everyone to throw in everything they've got. Of course it's hard and it's exhausting, but it's what you do. He can take his "freedom" after 8pm, which is completely reasonable (though I find describing time away from your family as freedom very depressing, and extremely telling)

If he wanted "freedom" from 5pm he shouldn't have had kids.

HowcanIhelp123 · 13/10/2023 09:30

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. You have a sick toddler with cancer and an 8 week old. That's all hands on deck as it is without you having major surgery!

If there was an emergency with your sick toddler you would have to pack up newborn too and cart them both to hospital by yourself in your condition? Its bad enough you'll have to do it while he's working, but so he can go down the pub with his mates or something and socialise? Nope.

I'd say every other or third week if I'm feeling generous, and he does ALL night wakings with both kids for 2 days while you recover, then he takes both kids while you have equal socialising time after.

BubziOwl · 13/10/2023 09:31

This is surely the clearest cut YANBU I've seen in a good while on mumsnet.

There is literally nothing unreasonable about asking a father of young babies and toddlers to wait until 8pm before going out socialising rather than 5pm, let alone with the extra circumstances you've given. With your circumstances, you'd not be unreasonable to ask him to knock the night out on the head completely for a while, which you've not even asked of him.

Lots of love to you btw

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2023 09:33

God, you poor thing. That’s so much to deal with. It’s a time for all hands on deck. Presumably it’s his toddler and newborn too? He’s being so selfish to think he can duck out at the hardest time of the day because he prefers socialising to pitching in with his own kids and supporting his own wife.

FrenchandSaunders · 13/10/2023 09:33

Blimey I’m usually the first to say both parents should be able to go out and socialise but this is very different. He needs to be there.

Zanatdy · 13/10/2023 09:33

It’s a short period of time, he can suck it up, you’ve got so much going on

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 13/10/2023 09:34

It's kind of you to give your blessing for any socializing at all. Especially if socializing means drinking and he's therefore useless that night and the next morning. Once a month maximum. You're the one that deserves a rest and some time off and pampering.
I hope your dc makes a good recovery sending you lots of love.!

Rousblouse · 13/10/2023 09:36

YANBU and I suspect your husband sails very close to having a personality disorder with that level of entitlement and self focus. This is honestly as bad as I have read on here.

ThatsGoingToHurt · 13/10/2023 09:36

Under normal circumstances YABU. My DH plays football one night a week but he comes home and then heads off between 7/7:30pm.

In your current situation YANBU! When your and your toddlers health has improved and the newborn is easier then regular socialising can resume.

Allcalm · 13/10/2023 09:38

Based on your title I was coming on to say YABU BUT having read the context you are 100% not being at all unreasonable, AND you've said you're fine with him going out at 8pm, so whats his issue?! Is it a case of he wants his life to carrry on exactly as it has despite having a tiny baby, a sick young child and a wife who's had surgery?

TiredMamOfTwo · 13/10/2023 09:39

YANBU.

Your toddler has cancer and you have a newborn. Those two come before anything else.

Meta123 · 13/10/2023 09:40

You are in a difficult part of your life and right now you need him.

StorminanDcup · 13/10/2023 09:44

Sounds really tough OP and you’re not unreasonable- the “witching hour” is so hard anyway but dealing with a newborn and surgery and cancer. That’s another level.

He should not regularly be leaving you to do this - I’d understand a one off and would say the same to you, it can be helpful to get a night off from it all - but at the moment no it shouldn’t be a given that he goes out every single Friday night for example and leaves you to it.

GingerIsBest · 13/10/2023 09:48

Yes, like others, I was assuming you were being unreasonable. But with context, hell no.

Getting respite is fair enough (and that goes for both of you) but that 5-8pm slot is the hardest of the day and you're clearly in crisis at the moment. There's no way that's reasonable. Respite needs to be found in different ways and at different times.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 13/10/2023 09:48

VeridicalVagabond · 13/10/2023 09:29

Under normal circumstances, of course it's not unreasonable to want to socialise once a week.

Right now? No, absolutely not. These are the "worse" parts of those "better or worse" vows, and as hard as it is these are the situations the family unit needs everyone to throw in everything they've got. Of course it's hard and it's exhausting, but it's what you do. He can take his "freedom" after 8pm, which is completely reasonable (though I find describing time away from your family as freedom very depressing, and extremely telling)

If he wanted "freedom" from 5pm he shouldn't have had kids.

Everything I wanted to say, said better!

From the title I thought you were stopping him going out entirely, but you’re not. You’re just asking for him to coparent at the toughest part of the day with extraordinary circumstances. He’s an idiot.

billyt · 13/10/2023 09:55

When my wife had our girls I didn't have a social life. And we didn't have health issues on the scale you have.

Best wishes, but your selfish husband needs to step up. He's not going to die without socialising for a while.

ActDottie · 13/10/2023 10:40

He needs his time too which is fair enough however this should also mean you get one night a week to socialise/do a hobby/have a nice bath where the kids aren’t your responsibility.