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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell DH he can’t socialise one night a week?

71 replies

Calmondeck · 13/10/2023 09:15

In a nutshell, very sensitive toddler w cancer, 8 week old newborn, me just returned home from hospital after major surgery. DH wants to socialise one night a week (fair enough) but I am struggling doing dinner/bedtime routine alone as newborn screams/toddler get scared and starts crying. Do I just need to suck it up that this is life with multiple children? I told DH he is free every night after 8, but he wants freedom from 5pm

OP posts:
CwmYoy · 13/10/2023 10:48

He's a cunt, OP. An utter cunt.

Redcargidan · 13/10/2023 10:52

Christ, what a prick.

When I read the thread title I was prepared to reply "one night every other week with you & him getting alternating weeks" (that might still work for you depending when you had your surgery, or a night each per month). But then I read your post and I can't believe he has even asked the question. He is needed at home and needs to get over himself.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/10/2023 11:00

When things settle down a bit then fine, yes you probably need to suck it up, as long as he would do the same for you. But right now, no, it's too much for you to deal with.

Coolblur · 13/10/2023 11:04

You are really not being unreasonable. In the circumstances you're being completely fair to say one night from 8pm is fine.
It's important that both of you have time to yourselves, so make sure you do too.
I'm sorry your child is unwell

Sunplant · 13/10/2023 11:09

ActDottie · 13/10/2023 10:40

He needs his time too which is fair enough however this should also mean you get one night a week to socialise/do a hobby/have a nice bath where the kids aren’t your responsibility.

In the circumstances,.no it isn't fair. OP needs him at home especially in the early evening. To be honest I think she is being extremely generous saying she is happy for him to go out later in the evening.

LemonPeonies · 13/10/2023 11:11

You have a lot going on, he should be helping you more. I don't think you're necessarily BU but you should both be able to have some time for yourselves. Also sending well wishes for your toddler 💐

Passepartoute · 13/10/2023 11:34

It's time to talk about him socialising when you are fully recovered from surgery and when the newborn is a bit older and more settled. Surely he can manage without for a few weeks?

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/10/2023 11:38

Gosh OP things sound really tough.
I think because of the medical needs I may slightly change my YANBU to YABU - I’ve had two under two and DH used to work shifts and it was so hard doing dinner and bedtimes on my own - that does get easier.
However with the amount of stress in your lives I think you probably could both do with a day off doing the dinner and bedtime routine - get some milk pumped if you’re BF and have one day where you’re free from 5 to avoid it all and see friends.
it would be great for both of your mental healths if you could get a break once a week.

ThisIsMe202 · 13/10/2023 11:43

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He is being completely selfish asking you for this.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t be saying yes to going out after 8pm either.

newborn and toddler is about as tough as it gets - never mind cancer and surgery recovery on top.

you need him to be a fully present parent for this time, all the time.

for pp’s saying you each get time to yourself - yes this is right - but unfortunately your children are too small and you have too much to deal with right now that this thinking can’t apply yet.
mothers need time to recover from birth and particularly surgery.

babies don’t sleep at newborn stage and routines are totally unpredictable.
I don’t know how you’re coping with it all but now is not the time for either parent to be out on regular socials.

LouOrange · 13/10/2023 11:44

YANBU he can go out when the kids are in bed

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/10/2023 11:44

Ya absolutely nbu not when you have so much going on. You and the dc should be his priority, not his social life. 8pm is fair enough under the circumstances, as long as you have the same opportunity.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 13/10/2023 11:45

Everyone needs downtime, but he needs to find time for himself in a way that doesn't result in putting so much strain on you. Asking for a whole evening from 5pm is selfish, in the context of everything else that your family has got going on.

Universalsnail · 13/10/2023 11:56

You are not unreasonable. I was going to say you are unreasonable as it's one night a week but then you said it's fine after 8pm and so he can go to socialise one night a week and given the context of your situation he's being massively unreasonable

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 12:15

If it was a one-off because he reasonably needs to blow some steam, I'd sympathise.

Making it a regular and weekly occurrence, while he can go out every evening after 8 which is early, is ridiculous.

YANBU of course

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 13/10/2023 12:19

I would not be happy even asked in this situation

Usernamqwerty · 13/10/2023 12:24

Calmondeck · 13/10/2023 09:15

In a nutshell, very sensitive toddler w cancer, 8 week old newborn, me just returned home from hospital after major surgery. DH wants to socialise one night a week (fair enough) but I am struggling doing dinner/bedtime routine alone as newborn screams/toddler get scared and starts crying. Do I just need to suck it up that this is life with multiple children? I told DH he is free every night after 8, but he wants freedom from 5pm

OP, that sounds horrendously stressful... look after yourself. You have a lot on your plate at the moment. Sending hugs xxxx 💕💐

fearfuloffluff · 13/10/2023 12:29

Nope. Even if it was just about having a newborn, I'd say no if you were struggling. Newborn, recovering wife, sick toddler - not a fucking chance. Going out after 8 one night is already generous tbh.

Does he ever look after both of them single-handed?

ErrolTheDragon · 13/10/2023 12:29

YANBU, of course.

If he's utterly desperate to be out at 5 one evening rather than accepting that he's got responsibilities that should take priority at the moment, then maybe he needs to organise and pay for someone to come in and do dinner/tend to the children?

SecondUsername4me · 13/10/2023 12:31

Those are very extenuating circumstances and he should even have to be asked not to have a night off each week whilst the rest of you are struggling so much. All hands on deck currently!

SecondUsername4me · 13/10/2023 12:33

In fact, if I was out at the very thing your dh was at/was hia friend, and it came up that he had left his brand new baby, surgery-recovering wife, and toddler with cancer at home all evening, I'd not only call him out publicly on it, but want fuck all else to do with him.

Winter291 · 13/10/2023 12:36

Massive YABU. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time, OP, but so is he!
Maybe that one night a week is something he really needs to take some space, feel some normality and help him deal with the situation.

5pm is a decent time to socialise. By 8pm people will be going home. You can’t expect his friends or whoever to go out at that time.

FredFrenackerpan · 13/10/2023 12:39

He needs to grow up. He has a responsibility to his family, and especially to you in the circumstances you're in right now. It must be such hard work for you OP and I just want to give you a big hug and him a big shake.

If he can come up with a way to give you one night off a week, no responsibility, no organising, no remembering, maybe that would be ok. But in reality this is a job for two parents and you should all be working together to look after each other as a family.

Don't let him off with this, it will only get worse until he thinks all parental responsibility lies with the mother and the father can live like a student who can do what the f he likes. I made that mistake.

SacAMain · 13/10/2023 12:40

Winter291 · 13/10/2023 12:36

Massive YABU. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time, OP, but so is he!
Maybe that one night a week is something he really needs to take some space, feel some normality and help him deal with the situation.

5pm is a decent time to socialise. By 8pm people will be going home. You can’t expect his friends or whoever to go out at that time.

on which planet?

By 8pm most people just finish work or just made their way to the pub/ restaurant?

WHO are all these people who finish work by 5pm?

Illbebythesea · 13/10/2023 12:40

@Winter291

Massive YABU. I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time, OP, but so is he!
Maybe that one night a week is something he really needs to take some space, feel some normality and help him deal with the situation.

5pm is a decent time to socialise. By 8pm people will be going home. You can’t expect his friends or whoever to go out at that time.

Rubbish. Fair enough as a one off but EVERY WEEK? Most parents don’t take 1 evening to socialise a week especially not under OP’s circumstances.

thecatinthetwat · 13/10/2023 12:40

Of course he can’t go out, he’s being ridiculous.