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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being disappointed in my 13 yr old’s lack of drive?

63 replies

Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 19:36

Fully expect to get flamed for this, but here goes:

My DS (13) is a much wanted only child. I’ve bent over backwards to give him amazing opportunities, supported him going to lots of clubs etc. made sure he got to a great school etc.

But he never seems to make the most of these opportunities- not very driven, gives up on things.

Im dismayed that he has many opportunities but just drifts along in cloud cuckoo land. Never seems to appreciate it.

I know I sound harsh- he’s just a kid. He seems happy enough. I guess I’m just envious as I’ve given him the childhood I would’ve wanted. But it seems wasted on him. I almost wish I had another kid who was a bit more studious / focused.

I guess I don’t want to feel like this. I love my son and would never say this out loud. But I could shake him. I just wish he had some get up and go. And I’m sad for him.

I had an ok upbringing myself, but parents were quite lazy ( typical 70’s/80’s) They never really encouraged hobbies - moaned about me wanting to do stuff because of cost ( they were reasonably well off)

likewise with schooling. They were clueless. Moved to an area with terrible school - even though they had the money to move to any area with good school. ( typical working class made good types- so didn’t have a clue about university etc)

I wanted to make sure this wasn’t his childhood, but I could’ve spent the last 13 years with my feet and there would be no difference!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 12/10/2023 19:37

In an attempt to reframe your feelings a little, what are your DS’s good qualities?

Dotcheck · 12/10/2023 19:41

Your child cannot experience his childhood with the benefit of YOUR hindsight.

Are you under the illusion that if your parents weren’t so ‘clueless’ you would have been further along in life?

SPG94 · 12/10/2023 19:44

Yikes. I feel you are trying to live vicariously through your son. It’s not fair for you to expect him to live how you would. He’s 13 and his own person. Focus on his happiness and health. Those are the only important things.

it’s his life and like it or not he gets to live it how he wants (within the realms of a 13yr old obviously). Very few 13yr olds are super driven and studious. You may find if you focus more on building a genuine connection with him and enjoying him for who he is that in time he will find the things that drive him and do for that.

also gentle suggestion here to unpack your resentment for your parents and focus on your life outside your son also? That’s presumptuous as I don’t know you obviously but it reads very much like you feel as though your son owes you something cause you’ve given him “opportunities”.

PeloMom · 12/10/2023 19:45

It may be his personality but there may be deeper issues too. At that age I was your son- only child, tonnes of extracurricular (I would be given the chance to try anything I wanted), average student. Quite indifferent to everything - it was driving my mom crazy. Turns out I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression which I dealt with as an adult and my life is completely different.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/10/2023 19:45

It’s difficult. Drive seems to come from having desires thwarted. So it’s difficult to give your child opportunities and still foster drive.

or it may be an inbuilt trait.

I don’t know the answer, I have one adult DS with drive and one without. I blame myself. But maybe there’s nothing I could have done about it. They’re both happy.

Mumsanetta · 12/10/2023 19:45

I understand your frustration, I too would be disappointed if my child had no drive or resilience. But I am sure that he also had good qualities and lack of drive is but a small part of what makes him him.

As a parent, you can teach a child to be grateful for the opportunities afforded to them and discipline. For example, I would not allow my child to give up on an instrument where lessons had been pre-paid to teach the value of money and importance of seeing something through.

YellowChrysnthemum · 12/10/2023 19:45

I'm really sorry - but you have to parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had. Focus on the good bits, celebrate them, encourage them. You are very aware of your own parents failings but they are not your failings. Think very hard about how you'd like your child to remember his childhood, and focus on that rather than the childhood you personally wish you yourself had. He is probably aware that he isn't living up to your expectations and that will definitely have a long term effect if so. Sorry.

JustTalkToThem · 12/10/2023 19:47

The way you talk about people in your life is really mean. I'd work on that before worrying too much about others.

ChekhovsMum · 12/10/2023 19:47

Sometimes the harder parents try, the less children do. Children of really motivated, driven adults can be the worst when it comes to self-motivation because (a) they know things will be done for them and (b) they feel like no matter how hard they try, they will never measure up.

A 13yo boy is also going through puberty, which does all sorts of non-permanent but concerning things to a child’s personality.

What do you fear will happen if you stop the clubs, hang back a bit and let him make some mistakes and decisions for himself? He might really surprise you by finding a passion for something you’d never thought of.

cartagenagina · 12/10/2023 19:48

It really sounds like you are trying to live vicariously through your son as PP said.

He isn’t a second chance or a mini you. He’s his own person with his own personality, likes and dislikes. I suggest you back off and let him find his own way with just a little guidance when required.

Velvetbee · 12/10/2023 19:48

Far too early to decide if he’s ‘driven’, have you met many 13 year olds? My eldest didn’t become driven until he was at university and some people never do.

NuffSaidSam · 12/10/2023 19:49

Both you and he will be happier if you accept and love the child you have rather than dreaming about a child that you don't.

You wanted a go-getter. You didn't get one. Get over it.

Your son wants a Mum who appreciates him for who he is. Try and give him that.

stayathomer · 12/10/2023 19:50

I had this conversation with another poster the other day, saying I used to think all our kids were en route straight to uni etc etc, then recently it turns out my ds is mad into woodwork and has an incredible talent for it too . We have ideas as op but they’re our ideas. They need to live their own lives. The important thing always is that that they’re happy, healthy, good people and that life isn’t a huge giant struggle. As parents we need to realise if kids do struggle it can be as much because of us than anything else. He’s only 13. Sit down this weekend with him, watch a movie or watch him game, watch YouTube with him, have a games night, whatever it takes to remind you both you can just chill and have fun!!!

Octavia64 · 12/10/2023 19:51

My mum was disappointed in my lack of drive and determination.

I was academically bright, but not career focused. She wanted a daughter who was very successful at work, largely because she was very bright but working class and had a lot of career opportunities denied her because she was female.

She didn't get one.

I've spent my life and career in helping professions because I suffered anxiety and depression because it was very clear my mum didn't like me for who I was and wanted a different child.

Don't make your child feel a failure because he isn't you.

GreenhouseGarden · 12/10/2023 19:52

Privileged children tend to make privileged choices. A fact I remind myself of (a lot). My dc have opportunities I would have given my eye teeth for and don’t always make the most of them. But they don’t have too, they are not reliving my childhood but better they are living their own.

They don’t have my drive because all options available to them are fine. They are great kids who are happy and resilient and that is all I can ask.

Qilin · 12/10/2023 19:52

The childhood you feel you wanted (and remember hindsight is very different to what may have been the case had it happened at the time) isn't the childhood your child wants right now. You can't relive your childhood through him.

ToadOnTheHill · 12/10/2023 19:52

You're a great parent. You've given him everything you can. Now it's up to him. I know its disappointing to see him 'squander' the opportunities you would have loved. But that's part of being a parent, you have to let him develop at his own pace.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 12/10/2023 19:53

Be thankful for the child you have.

ShellySarah · 12/10/2023 19:54

I guess necessity is the mother of invention. I had a very hands off childhood, nonreal interest and had to do it all myself. So I did.

You've handed him everything on a plate and wonder why he doesn't strive?

Back off a little? Leave him to figure out what he likes. He's only 13. Very young still so he'll come into his own.

YellowChrysnthemum · 12/10/2023 19:55

If he is genuinely happy then you are very lucky and really need to think about that and appreciate it. There's an epidemic of unhappy kids at the moment. Happiness is in no way something to be taken for granted.

pointythings · 12/10/2023 19:58

My parents almost made your mistake with my Dsis - they wanted her to go to uni, like they did, like I wanted to. Her gift was horses - she was a total horse whisperer. They realised just in time that the best thing they could do was support her dreams. She now runs a livery and dressage yard, makes more than I do, is well known in her area. My parents fortunately lived to see it happen.

Your son is 13. Let him discover what he wants and then follow that dream. He doesn't owe you your life over again.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 12/10/2023 19:59

Your child cannot experience his childhood with the benefit of YOUR hindsight.

^This . The result of you 'bending over backwards' for him is that that is what he expects. He hasn't learned to push for things or persevere. The same can happen with very bright kids who have never had to try hard with school work - they don't learn to work hard and push themselves, because they've never needed to.

MidnightOnceMore · 12/10/2023 20:01

You might be killing his intrinsic motivation by pressuring/persuading him.

The other thing is - why does a 13yo need to be 'driven' anyway? Childhood is for being a child.

I'd try to see the good in him.

Maray1967 · 12/10/2023 20:08

Velvetbee · 12/10/2023 19:48

Far too early to decide if he’s ‘driven’, have you met many 13 year olds? My eldest didn’t become driven until he was at university and some people never do.

Yes, same here.

IdaPolly · 12/10/2023 20:11

He might mature later on. One of mine always left homework to the last minute but then matured in time to put the work in for A levels and got into a good uni.