AIBU for being disappointed in my 13 yr old’s lack of drive?

[Leopardprintleggings]

Fully expect to get flamed for this, but here goes:

My DS (13) is a much wanted only child. I’ve bent over backwards to give him amazing opportunities, supported him going to lots of clubs etc. made sure he got to a great school etc.

But he never seems to make the most of these opportunities- not very driven, gives up on things.

Im dismayed that he has many opportunities but just drifts along in cloud cuckoo land. Never seems to appreciate it.

I know I sound harsh- he’s just a kid. He seems happy enough. I guess I’m just envious as I’ve given him the childhood I would’ve wanted. But it seems wasted on him. I almost wish I had another kid who was a bit more studious / focused.

I guess I don’t want to feel like this. I love my son and would never say this out loud. But I could shake him. I just wish he had some get up and go. And I’m sad for him.

I had an ok upbringing myself, but parents were quite lazy ( typical 70’s/80’s) They never really encouraged hobbies - moaned about me wanting to do stuff because of cost ( they were reasonably well off)

likewise with schooling. They were clueless. Moved to an area with terrible school - even though they had the money to move to any area with good school. ( typical working class made good types- so didn’t have a clue about university etc)

I wanted to make sure this wasn’t his childhood, but I could’ve spent the last 13 years with my feet and there would be no difference!

You do realise your child is not you, same way parents who say 'you have failed the family name unless you become a doctor, lawyer etc.' are utterly ridiculous

Wow, so much pressure on him! He doesn't owe you, he's just himself. I didn't have many opportunities growing up, but I did have parents that gave me space so I found my way in the world and have done well for myself, it sounds like you've done the same. Without that space sometimes it's hard to know what you want, so I'd learn more from your experience and try and relate with him more.

You think ?

Surely a 'good parent' takes an interest in the child that they actually have rather then pushing their own agenda on them . Probably not the mumsnet way though .

I don’t agree that supporting a child to do the clubs they want and sending them to a good school iis pushing some sort of personal agenda.

Op is a bit frustrated that he wants to join a club hen loses interest very quickly and quits.

Id be annoyed if my child asked to take something up, I’d forked out for the kit etc and paid the fees only for them to quit.

He does sound a bit spoilt and I’d be refusing to enrol him in any more clubs, and making it clear there isn’t an endless pot of money.

Obviously it’s not good to pressure him into lots of extra curricular activities but there’s nothing indicating that’s what op is doing.

Same. There was no point in mine making an effort with his homework so he didn’t. Then he wanted a particular course at a particular university and did what he had to do to get it.

Hobbies are supposed to be fun OP. What is your objective in treating them like CV points for your son? Does he share your aim?

I don’t think many people are driven when they’re 13. I also think he’s less appreciative of the opportunities he has than you would be because he’s not experienced anything different.

In your day 5-10% went, depending on your age. Now it’s nearer 50%.

Objectively it’s 5 to 10 times easier.

Or did you have a specific university in mind?

"I guess I’m just envious as I’ve given him the childhood I would’ve wanted"

How about trying to give him a childhood suited to him, not the one that would have suited you. You're putting way too much pressure on both of you.

I have three children all with different goals in life. Make sure that you encourage and motivate your child in whatever direction they choose. That is what will help you be a good parent.

What does he actually spend his time doing?

I feel like you really want the best for him.

But you don't want him to be posting on a forum in 20 years that he thinks it's really important to leave your kids to do their own thing because he had all these opportunities pushed at him and his mum was really disappointed he wasn't driven and he doesn't want that for his own kids...

He's 13.

The thing is, it's his life, not yours. If he wants to be a dreamer, that is his choice. Plus he's only young, give him another 10 years and he might change. They do sometimes.

He has a different attitude to life and that's fine. Provide him with a secure home, some opportunities and hobbies, and wait for him to tell you what he would like.

The problem is that you are projecting so much of your own desires onto your kid that they stop being their own person, and yiou dont see them as themselves, you see them as opportunities YOU would have enjoyed. Does he even enjoy the activities you are so relentlessly planning, can they pick stuff they actually want to do?