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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being disappointed in my 13 yr old’s lack of drive?

63 replies

Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 19:36

Fully expect to get flamed for this, but here goes:

My DS (13) is a much wanted only child. I’ve bent over backwards to give him amazing opportunities, supported him going to lots of clubs etc. made sure he got to a great school etc.

But he never seems to make the most of these opportunities- not very driven, gives up on things.

Im dismayed that he has many opportunities but just drifts along in cloud cuckoo land. Never seems to appreciate it.

I know I sound harsh- he’s just a kid. He seems happy enough. I guess I’m just envious as I’ve given him the childhood I would’ve wanted. But it seems wasted on him. I almost wish I had another kid who was a bit more studious / focused.

I guess I don’t want to feel like this. I love my son and would never say this out loud. But I could shake him. I just wish he had some get up and go. And I’m sad for him.

I had an ok upbringing myself, but parents were quite lazy ( typical 70’s/80’s) They never really encouraged hobbies - moaned about me wanting to do stuff because of cost ( they were reasonably well off)

likewise with schooling. They were clueless. Moved to an area with terrible school - even though they had the money to move to any area with good school. ( typical working class made good types- so didn’t have a clue about university etc)

I wanted to make sure this wasn’t his childhood, but I could’ve spent the last 13 years with my feet and there would be no difference!

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 20:12

Thanks for all your advice. It’s been really insightful to read the comments here. And thanks for not flaming me! It’s given me the perspective I needed.

@Octavia64 i want to avoid a situation where my son feels like you did. I would never say any of this to him.

As many of you have said, I do need to appreciate his (many) lovely qualities.

@ShellySarah you’re right about taking a step back. I think that might help him step up.

a few pps have mentioned I’m living through him. I think I’m content with what I’ve achieved/ where I am in life, but I just wanted him to have a more exciting childhood. It’s actually more about him following his passions- he just doesn’t have any!

But as PPs have said hindsight is a wonderful thing and my childhood did set me up pretty well

I suppose I worry because everything seems more competitive nowadays- in my day you could get into a decent uni after a half arsed attempt at A levels!

OP posts:
ilovebagpuss · 12/10/2023 20:13

I don't know many 13 year old boys that are driven. I assume you mean you want an all star sports or musical instrument playing A grade student?
You have given him all the opportunities and want him to get the most out of them like you would have liked as a child.
You have to let that go and just encourage any interests he does have and let him be.
There is huge pressure on teens and mental health can take a dive and before you know it you are just wishing for a healthy happy child.
I know you say you would never say anything but kids can pick up on our frustrations and add it to another reason to feel low about themselves.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2023 20:14

It’s actually more about him following his passions- he just doesn’t have any!
Yet…

Original poster
Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 20:16

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2023 20:14

It’s actually more about him following his passions- he just doesn’t have any!
Yet…

True! I think I need to chill

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 20:20

I know how ridiculous it sounds to say driven when talking about a kid. It’s more I thought he’d have passions.

but after reading this thread, I think I need to sit back and let him get on with it.

I’ve given him the experience of trying loads of stuff. He knows what to do if he discovers something he loves.

OP posts:
adjacenttoquiteafewspheres · 12/10/2023 20:21

You sound mad.

What were you expecting a 13 year old having made the most of their hobbies to look like?

Seriously?

Olympics?

Chess genius?

Leave your kid alone.

Charlingspont · 12/10/2023 20:21

As a child I had been really keen to join the Brownies, but my parents didn't bother with stuff like that. So when my own dd was of the age, I signed her up, thinking she'd love it, but she did one term and didn't want to carry on! I was disappointed. But I can see that at least I gave her the chance. Because I never had the chance, maybe I built it up in my mind to be more desirable than the reality? You've given your son the chance, that's what matters, and because you're you, you will keep on giving him opportunities and that's good parenting! Well done you.

HowAmYa · 12/10/2023 20:24

OP, what are his good qualities because I bet you he has tonnes.
Tell us about him, then read it back. You'll see what a lovely boy you have raised regardless.x

adjacenttoquiteafewspheres · 12/10/2023 20:26

"I I suppose I worry because everything seems more competitive nowadays- in my day you could get into a decent uni after a half arsed attempt at A levels!"

Yes, it's coming through loud and clear. You had a child to boast and be competitive about and now you're worried you won't be able to do that.

Classic narc parent who sees their child as an object rather than loving their child for who they are.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/10/2023 20:37

It may just be him. For ever or just at this stage in his life. Certainly it's not unusual for a 13 year old boy to be a bit in cloud cuckoo land. I've got 2 late teen boys. The first is VERY driven, at Oxbridge, all of his own doing, put himself forward for extra curricular stuff, did an internship at the end of his first year even though it wasn't needed till later on. Wants to be in the top 10% of the year in his subject (he was aiming for top - in his view "someone has to be top, why not me?" but realised that his peers are actually good too 😆)

DS2 is just not as driven although he is academic and can work hard when he wants to (bit of a last minute crammer). Would be happy with a decent uni but doesn't put too much thought into what he needs to do extra to get there. He just bimbles along and no doubt he'll do fine.

But I honestly couldn't say how they'll both turn out. From what I've experienced in life it doesn't always follow that the most driven people at school end up having the most successful careers. Sometimes, yes, but not always. Facebook can throw up some unexpected things - the millionaire lifestyle of someone you knew as the class clown in primary school who didn't seem to be that academic. My husband messed around at school but matured much later and has had a successful career. Then there are people like me who peaked early at school and hasn't really had a "career" as such. No doubt I'd be a surprise to people who knew me at school who'd expected me to do great things.

Point is, how someone is at 13 often isn't how they are as an adult. The most important thing at that age is that they are happy, have friends, are respectful to their peers and adults, have manners, works hard when it matters etc. The rest will come if you support but don't push and let him find his own way.

Original poster
Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 20:38

@adjacenttoquiteafewspheres I think that’s quite the leap you are making there.

not Olympic - just interested.

having hobbies is good for you and can sustain you through shit times in your life/help you foster friendships and have a focus outside work.

as I clarified- not so much about being driven, but being interested in stuff going on around him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 20:41

@adjacenttoquiteafewspheres also wtf are you about?

guessing it wasn’t long until the trolls came along 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 20:45

@HowAmYa thanks. He’s a lovely kid - funny, outgoing and creative.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 12/10/2023 20:45

JustTalkToThem · 12/10/2023 19:47

The way you talk about people in your life is really mean. I'd work on that before worrying too much about others.

This.

Also what you think are great opportunities (like what?) maybe just don’t suit his personality. He’s not you. Have you tried asking him about things he might like to do? Or just leaving him be? Maybe get over yourself, stop trying to push him every which way and focus on letting him be him and loving him for who he is.

Octavia64 · 12/10/2023 20:53

It may be true that in your day you could get into a half decent uni based on half-arsed a-levels.

I know it can feel like the only way to have a successful child is for them to be academic and driven. It feels like it's hard to get a good job and so you probably feel that you want him to be driven so that he succeeds.

But that isn't true and largely never has been,

My DD dropped out of a-levels due to serious illness. It really makes you re-consider and as a parent happy and healthy really is important and sometimes you only realise this when it goes.

She's got better and has taken an access course and gone to uni. More people go to uni than ever before, many from BTECs and access courses.

Success comes in many forms.

adjacenttoquiteafewspheres · 12/10/2023 20:56

Leopardprintleggings · 12/10/2023 20:45

@HowAmYa thanks. He’s a lovely kid - funny, outgoing and creative.

Truthing ain't trolling

Droppit · 12/10/2023 20:59

It sounds like he's happy doing his thing so just be really glad of that.

I too have a son that age - a much wanted child, an only child. I realised early on that he struggled with lots of parts of life and frankly if I can get him through school in one piece I will be relieved.

You just need to reframe your expectations. Be happy for what you have.

SmileyClare · 12/10/2023 21:11

You say he’s creative. Creative types often come across as a bit dreamy/ absent minded.
No 13 year old has worked out who they are and what they want in life, let him be a child.

I was quite clever at school- teachers called me an all rounder.

I wanted to be a hairdresser but was told by teachers and parents that I was wasting my brains- I should aim higher and go into the sciences.

I’ve never been ambitious or money driven, I didn’t really enjoy university (it was just expected of me)

I didn’t use my degree but I set up as self employed, I don’t earn huge amounts but you know what ? I’m really happy! I love my simple life 😁

Bloom15 · 12/10/2023 21:18

I feel sorry for your son - he is 13! Love him for who he is - don't mourn a child that doesn't exist

Free2 · 12/10/2023 21:23

It’s really easy to think that you wished you’d had certain opportunities. For example, I wish I had been championed and supported by my parents more where I showed talent. For example I was a strong swimmer, won the races at school, but my parents didn’t have a clue. I can feel sore about what could have been. But then again, maybe I wouldn’t have had the drive to get up early and commit myself to all the training involved in being truly competitive.

The truth is that drive is entirely connected with authentic desire.

Perhaps you could have a conversation about what he really desires. It may be unexpected and not particularly noble. It may be that what drives him is a desire for revenge or fame or sex. You need to help him to stoke and inflame that desire and then to ‘couple’ that engine onto an activity which could enable him to achieve it and encourage him to make that connection regularly to get past any resistance.

Duttercup · 12/10/2023 21:30

I wasn't a very driven child and I'm not a very driven adult. But I'm a contented person, I have a well-paid, high pressure job that I bumbled into and then succeed at because of my general lack of worry about anything, nice house, nice car, nice child. I would still laze about doing not much of anything given the chance.

I'd just stop worrying about it and enjoy your son. You can't change who you are.

Hotcuppatea · 12/10/2023 21:39

He isn't your project. He's a human being and he'll live his life in the way that suits him, even if you push him away.

It takes all sorts to make a society. Imagine if we were all driven? It would be unbearable!

erikbloodaxe · 12/10/2023 21:40

Have you taken him to stately homes Op?

ittakes2 · 12/10/2023 21:41

My husband and I have had similar conversations about our own children - I don't think you can provide so much for a child and then expect them to have drive...if they don't want for anything then they don't experience that feeling of needing to work hard for something.
BUT, I will tell you as my children have gotten older I can see their interest being sparked and they are beginning to have more drive.
I also have to give my head a wobble...do I regret providing my children with what they have? No...so I can only think of other ways to encourage drive and I am trying to do this by getting them to help others. They know how fortunate they are but I think it helps for them to see how fortunate they are.

SmileyClare · 12/10/2023 21:44

I don’t think I’ve ever met an “ambitious” driven 13 year old.

Most of them want to be a You Tuber, an expert at FIFA on their Xbox a or professional football player. 😂

It’s the age where it’s not particularly cool to want to be top of the class at school- they’re busy developing their social skills, trying to fit in with their peers and rebelling against their parents

13 is a confusing difficult age. You’re expecting way too much of him, too soon.

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