Husband denies everything

[WillDenyAnything]

Hi everyone. I’ve name changed here so as not to link to other posts.

this is probably not as exciting at the title suggests, I’m sorry, but it does drive me insane and I would like some advice.

My husband and our DC share the main bathroom of the house while I use the en suite. I never really use the main bathroom because they are both a bit messy. (Toothpaste everywhere, empty toilet rolls etc.) I was doing some cleaning the other day and their toilet was dirty so I put a bit of bleach down and told both of them to use the en suite to leave the bleach overnight.
I was there (en suite) washing my hands while DC peed and en-suite was clean when we left.
When my husband was going to bed a little while later I reminded him to use my bathroom instead of the main one. I then heard him go in and pee and go into the main bathroom to brush his teeth then go to bed.
i went up to bed shortly after and there was very obviously wee all around the base of the toilet and the toilet seat was up. At this point I will mention that dc is a girl.
I cleaned it up and got into bed quite annoyed with him and told him why. He DENIED even using the toilet saying he didn’t need a pee before bed…
Hes just come home from work and denied again that it was him and that someone must have spilled something.

I have many more examples of things he denies doing..
I came down one morning to let the dog out and the back door wasn’t locked. He was lay to bed that night so would have let the dog out before going up. He swore blind he locked it.
we used to have a fridge that had a weak close and he would just kind of push it and it would not catch but stay open a crack. I’d often find it and tell him to make sure he’s closing it properly and he’ll deny having been at the fridge. Leaving the back yard tap on overnight. Leaving the side gate unlocked.
there are lots of other little examples. Things I know he definitely did but he Denys it all.
why does he do it? And what can I do about it because he drive me up the wall.

Isn't this gaslighting?

There is no way I would clean up anyone else's urine, ffs. If he did that, even once, I'd get him a composting toilet in the garden, or something.

This is similar to the last few months of my life! Shower left on, toilet seat up (dc is also a female), wee on the floor, hairs from the shaver all over the sink, footprints all through the downstairs, the latest thing is bringing home lunchboxes from work after 5 days, not rinsed out and he mainly asks me to make him tuna pasta so the stench is unreal. At first I would make a joke of it, in the hope he would no longer do it in, in a playful way. The second time I was a bit firmer. And the third time I would lose my patience altogether. It’s made no difference, but has made me realise I’m better off alone. A relationship should be an equal partnership, and cleaning up after someone constantly becomes draining. I hope you manage to find a way to work through it. Best of luck x

I have a prostate problem which means I have a weak stream and poor aim. However I do have the decency to clean up after myself.

So disgusting.
I have 3 boys who def make a mess but I think my husband would rather die than piss on the floor and he cleans the boys mess too. I'll bleach the toilet but not get piss of the floor.

Just sit down. Many other countries men do.

I have one of these. Lies about the most ridiculous things. Doors not shut, windows left open, cooker not turned off, leaving things out, tells me he will do something then lies about agreeing because he hasn't done it.

Really, nobody needs to lie about stuff like that, just apologise and don't do it again.

Mine won't ever apologise for anything, even when he's barged me into a wall. Does yours refuse to apologise too?

clean it up with his clothes, then flat out deny it saying you used a mop.

or alternatively, dump the tramp! No way would I clean a grown man’s piss who is fully functioning but just doesn’t want to take responsibility because you will do it.

My 19yo occasionally tries this on, when he's hungover and sleepy and doesn't want to be made to clean up after himself. However even he, faced with the fact that there is no other male on the premises and I heard him stumbling in and out of the bathroom, will grin sheepishly, apologise and clean it up.

Your dh is a pig.

This sounds to me like the result of over-strict parenting where there was punishment for mistakes, but it was just possible to wriggle out of it if he could lie convincingly enough. Does he have brothers and sisters? And slightly dozy dysfunctional parents?
My ex used to do this with absolutely everything. Would say that a car journey had taken 19 minutes when I drove it all the time and knew it took 9, would deny saying things the day before that I’d heard with my own ears, etc. He even once blamed a fart on me when we were the only two people present, claiming that it couldn’t be him because he never farted. As if I don’t know when air has just come out of my own bottom and when it hasn’t.
I was younger then and I let it confuse and distress me, and second-guessed myself a lot. If a partner tried it now, I’d give him hell and let him go.

Baffling and disgusting.
I'm living with dh nearly 32 years.
Do you know how many times I've had to clean up his wee or he has made a mess and not cleaned up after himself?
None. Never. Not once. Ever.
He's disgusting and disrespectful and I wldnt be able to stomach him in the slightest.

Many years ago I lived with a liar who straight to my face would deny, deny, deny! It was like walking on shifting sand.

Small queries like …
ME:
“I can't find my favourite mug and I’ve searched everywhere. You haven’t broken it by any chance have you?”

HIM: “No. Haven’t seen it. Sorry”

Next day I go to the outside bins and there it is! It could only have been him that broke it as no kids around at that time so WHY did he lie? It was pathetic and was part of a really bad habit which frustrated the hell out of me. Lies lies lies about small and bigger issues. It was exhausting.

Im with you OP. Whatever the circumstances it’s so fkng childish. I really don’t know wherein lies the answer.

Does he sleep walk (is sleep peeing a thing?)

Wouldn't it be easier (and safer if DD forgets) to but bleach on to soak when H is at work and DD school?

Sometimes… but not always.

he does also deny saying things to me especially if they are said in an argument.

It would have been but then I sometimes forget it’s there and forget to flush before dd gets home

I do think upbringing may have something to do with it.

there are many things that have “mysteriously” happened when it was just the two of us at home and I know it wasn’t me.

No sleep walking… I actually heard him use the en suite before getting into bed

I think a lot of PPs are missing the point. This isn't about which bathroom he uses or who cleans up the piss.

It's about him lying that he used it when OP knows for certain he did. Just like he lies about locking the back door. And leaving the tap on. And leaving the gate unlocked. And the fridge door not closed.

It's the lying, not what he's lying about. He clearly has no respect for his environment or for the OP.

It's time to think hard about kicking him to the kerb and OP it sounds like that's what you're planning. Send hhim the divorce papers and swear it's nothing to do with you.

Yep, I've had the same as @Oldthyme . I have no idea why, it's obvious to a blind frog they are lying, but still do it. I've been starting to think he just likes seeing the confusion on my face.

Thanks for this. This is exactly it. It’s the lies that annoy me. Although it’s gross if he just said oh I’m sorry I didn’t notice or something along those lines it would bother me a bit less.

I haven’t misread your post.

You put bleach in the main bathroom toilet - the toilet you don’t use, so why are you the one putting bleach in?

You told him not to use the main bathroom but you heard him doing so.

Then you went into the main bathroom again for some reason (as you don’t usually use it) and then decided to clean his piss up instead of waking him up and getting him to do it himself.

I assumed if he was in bed your DD might be too and she may have made the mess but that was more because I couldn’t believe that you’re cleaning a bathroom you don’t use, then having a grown man pissing everywhere and then cleaning it up yourself.

Yep. I've got one like this. Very strict (see dysfunctional) privileged upbringing. It makes you feel crazy. He's gotten better but I do try to remind myself it's a result of the shitty parenting he suffered.

We've now got a job rota between us & our 2 boys that still live at home.

Guess who is never ever ever cleaning the toilet on it. Never ever. Ever! I've done my time.

You are definitely being gaslighted OP!

I’m actually in shock that a grown adult pisses everywhere and just leaves it for his wife to clean up.

It is vile behaviour and I’m guessing just the tip of the iceberg.

'This is exactly it. It’s the lies that annoy me'

Lying about gates and fridge doors? It isn't that important is it. He's maybe just thick and doesn't notice this stuff.

What are his redeeming qualities, eg good parent, fun company, good in bed, decent earner? Anything that overides piss splashes and fridge doors or is he a failure in all departments?

Well I'm going to go against the grain here and ask if it's a new thing? If so I think I'd be tempted to get him to visit the doctor. Could it be there's something wrong and he genuinely doesn't remember doing this stuff? Just seems too bloody weird and pointless to lie about? Is he of an age where something like dementia could be a concern?

I'm not sure it's about strict parenting. My stbxh had a easy childhood. He was, and still is, viewed as being unable to do any wrong by his family. They don't see the selfish, lazy, lying man who puts himself over his own children, even when it's in their faces. Since he's the golden child, why lie? I don't get it.