AIBU With bloody mother?

[Fedupin23]

Have name changed as ashamed of how I feel right now. For back story, mother never been great, was forced into a young carer role while she was out of the house all day and I had to deal with my dying dad from age 11 to 18. Developed eating disorder and asked for help, was told 'Oh Fox, don't I have enough on with your father?' and given no support, was groomed and sexually abused by middle aged neighbour when I should have been at school and not coming home to deal with my dad, I had no clothes, pyjamas, underwear, haircuts etc and generally had a shit time. Messed up my a levels as dad died that summer, not a word to school from mother, they thought I was making things up and was a liar when I said how bad things were. Got to uni, had all sorts of hideous things go on including being run over while I was in America, asked for help to come home, was told to 'stay there because I want my holiday over there and I never get anything' so went through the US hospital system and insurance claims alone at the age of 21 until she came out nearly a year later. Always felt like I wasn't having the life I could have had with some parental support. Fast forward 30 years, now a divorced single parent and it took 3 therapists 25 years to get my head straight. She's back for round 2, shes developed dementia, ended up in hospital but left her house so bad I had to get social services in to help me clear it as she's a hoarder, garden so bad you can't get in and I can't get to the electrical box which is in an outhouse across the garden, she had to stay in a residential home while I mucked out house and decorated what I could. Neighbours are complaining that the trees in the garden are damaging their property and it will cost £1000 to sort the garden but I can't access her savings.

No will, no poa, no funeral plan, no money other than 1800 in an account. I am now being harassed by the council for her respite fees and carer fees as I'm the named contact and she's lost capacity, she hasn't paid her water bill for almost a year and they're chasing me and to top it all, she had a leak and the ceiling fell down, which I claimed for on her insurance and the money for repairs was put in her current account which I'm a 3rd party card holder for. I moved it into a savings account with the same bank because I didn't want it to get swallowed paying for her carers x 4 every day, but it transpires she's has a bloody credit card she's not paid either with the same bank and they've taken the insurance money towards the credit card. After her bills, which the LA say aren't allowed such as loans, she has £57 a month (not week) for food and now her inco pads as the bloody care home cancelled her NHS order when she left and now she's on the bladder nurse waiting list to be reassessed and given a new prescription. I already had a full plate with being a single mum to two teens and a job and I'm an only child. I literally have noone to share the burden with and I hate her. Please has anyone got any guidance as I really don't want to be here any more but I can't leave my beautiful boys. And before anyone mentions drs and drugs, I'm not depressed I'm just under so much pressure and I have adhd so struggle anyway. Any ideas please?

I mean, if you waived all responsibility for her what would happen? I'm assuming there are people in her position who don't have family and the council assumes responsibility for them? It really doesn't seem like you owe her anything

If I were faced with all this, with your background, I would not hesitate to resign the duties in the LPA, and inform all agencies I was no longer in charge of anything connected with my mother. Walk away, don't look back, focus on making a calm healthy future for yourself. You owe it to yourself now, you have tried hard enough. Sending strength.

Sorry, just noticed you don't have LPA.

Cut her off totally. You owe her nothing. tell the local authority you are estranged and that you are refusing to have any further contact or to do anything toward dealing with her situation and tell them they need to apply to the Court of Protection and leave them to deal with it all. WALK AWAY!

You are not liable for your mother’s debts.
Does she own her home or is it rented?
In your shoes I’d walk away. You can’t care for her, that’s the job of care home staff.
Try AgeUK for advice on handing everything over as I’ve no idea to whom ( her social worker?) or CAB. Then for your own sanity walk away— your children need you and you need to live your life.

Walk away.

It is not your responsibility.

Oh love, you don’t have to deal with this. Tell them that you are estranged and it isn’t your problem. They will have to step up and sort it out.

Block them all. Be unavailable to her like she was to you. Karma is a true bitch op.. Live your life now op.

I'd walk away. Get advice from CAB or Age Concern but I'd just make it clear to the LA that it's not your concern.

If you have reached a point of actually feeling suicidal then you have to make yourself the priority here. Please reach out for support. Your GP may well be able to offer you advice on handing over responsibility for your mother’s affairs as can Age U.K. Samaritans will listen 24/7 on 116123.

Please don’t assume that all you will be offered is pills, you desperately need someone to take this load. SS will be able to do so. They won’t want to which is why having the support of your GP etc will be helpful.

Wishing you the very best.

Oh my goodness , you poor love, that all sounds so hard.
I don’t know where to start with suggestions although Age Concern seems like an idea, but you so deserve a better life than this. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

You are under no obligation to do anything.

Let the LA and Social Workers deal with it all. There are thousands of people like your mum in care homes with no family and it’s not as rare as you think.

You don't have to do any of this and authorities don't tend to step up when there is a family member around.
The state you are describing her home being in, and the struggle she has to manage anything much herself, does rather suggest that like you OP your mum might have ADHD. Not an excuse, but might help you understand her behaviour a bit more.

And don’t worry about the bills. I doubt companies would bother chasing someone in your mother’s position

You can absolutely walk away from this shitshow OP, no problems. You are not obliged to do this.

Not discrediting your childhood at all, but 7 years is a long time for someone to actively die. Or were they disabled requiring care for a prolonged period before death?

You need to be there for your kids and owe her nothing.
Let Social Services earn their money and sort her out.
Youve reached your limit and owe her nothing.

Do something nice with your kids & just breathe.
Dont allow them to involve you in her self created chaos

I'm with all the other posters op. Walk away. You've no doubt paid your taxes, let the social services system deal with it all.

Sending

Yep, I'd put in writing to all agencies that you are 100% estranged, not responsible for her, do not contact me, I will not be taking care of anything for her, she's your responsibility now, goodbye.

I'd give SS a call (followed up on writing like an email and ask for acknowledgement of receipt) and tell them directly and bluntly that you will not be involved in any capacity. They may well try to guilt you, be prepared for that - be absolutely clear you have NO legal or moral obligation to her or them.

It's going to be hard for you to follow through but please do.

Walk away and never look back x

I am so sorry, this sounds really difficult. You sound like a very strong person to be still going on and being there for your sons.💐

I agree with PP:

You do not owe her your time, health and sanity. Walk away. For your own sake and for your sons.

Walk away, I'm serious, it can be done and should be after your childhood.
You owe her nothing.

Block the calls and emails. Get a set response ready to people who chase and repeat it like a robot.
Drop her keys off at the care home and explain that you have no
Poa and there has been a mistake. Direct them to deal with the local authority.

Thank you all. I think I just needed to see it written down. I did tell SS that I didn't want to be involved and then all.of a sudden I was down for shopping and cleaning which the carers can't/won't do. She's half an hour away which doesn't help and I'm just so tired!!

Yes I agree with everyone else, walk away.
Shes never been there for you, she’s probably changed the course of your life by being a shit mother (you have had to have so much therapy) and it sounds like she has also ruined her own life. You are not responsible for her. Don’t let her take anymore precious time from you.

Tell ss you are estranged and won't be doing anything else going forward, they will pull all the stops out to get you involved, try to emotionally blackmail you etc but stand firm. They can't force you to sort anything out. The same with the creditors, you're estranged and don't have anything to do with your Mum.

You need to look after you and your own dc, karma is a bitch

The council will try any trick to get money.
My df was given a carer x4 a day after a fall. We had no say in this but tbf it was very helpful initially.
When the free period was approaching the end they said they would assess him and start charging, if he was above the means test rate, after the assessment.
Then they moved the goalposts and wanted him to pay the weeks that they hadn’t sorted the assessment.
I told them that when they produced a contract signed by us for the care then we would pay.
Of course they couldn’t.