AIBU With bloody mother?

[Fedupin23]

Have name changed as ashamed of how I feel right now. For back story, mother never been great, was forced into a young carer role while she was out of the house all day and I had to deal with my dying dad from age 11 to 18. Developed eating disorder and asked for help, was told 'Oh Fox, don't I have enough on with your father?' and given no support, was groomed and sexually abused by middle aged neighbour when I should have been at school and not coming home to deal with my dad, I had no clothes, pyjamas, underwear, haircuts etc and generally had a shit time. Messed up my a levels as dad died that summer, not a word to school from mother, they thought I was making things up and was a liar when I said how bad things were. Got to uni, had all sorts of hideous things go on including being run over while I was in America, asked for help to come home, was told to 'stay there because I want my holiday over there and I never get anything' so went through the US hospital system and insurance claims alone at the age of 21 until she came out nearly a year later. Always felt like I wasn't having the life I could have had with some parental support. Fast forward 30 years, now a divorced single parent and it took 3 therapists 25 years to get my head straight. She's back for round 2, shes developed dementia, ended up in hospital but left her house so bad I had to get social services in to help me clear it as she's a hoarder, garden so bad you can't get in and I can't get to the electrical box which is in an outhouse across the garden, she had to stay in a residential home while I mucked out house and decorated what I could. Neighbours are complaining that the trees in the garden are damaging their property and it will cost £1000 to sort the garden but I can't access her savings.

No will, no poa, no funeral plan, no money other than 1800 in an account. I am now being harassed by the council for her respite fees and carer fees as I'm the named contact and she's lost capacity, she hasn't paid her water bill for almost a year and they're chasing me and to top it all, she had a leak and the ceiling fell down, which I claimed for on her insurance and the money for repairs was put in her current account which I'm a 3rd party card holder for. I moved it into a savings account with the same bank because I didn't want it to get swallowed paying for her carers x 4 every day, but it transpires she's has a bloody credit card she's not paid either with the same bank and they've taken the insurance money towards the credit card. After her bills, which the LA say aren't allowed such as loans, she has £57 a month (not week) for food and now her inco pads as the bloody care home cancelled her NHS order when she left and now she's on the bladder nurse waiting list to be reassessed and given a new prescription. I already had a full plate with being a single mum to two teens and a job and I'm an only child. I literally have noone to share the burden with and I hate her. Please has anyone got any guidance as I really don't want to be here any more but I can't leave my beautiful boys. And before anyone mentions drs and drugs, I'm not depressed I'm just under so much pressure and I have adhd so struggle anyway. Any ideas please?

God SS really are appalling. Yes they leave ppl with dementia on their own until they have a nasty fall or worse.

carers 4 x a day popping in and out really isn’t good enough.

I still agree with others about completely relinquishing your involvement.

Tell them to make her a Ward of Court, as you will not be involved. SS or whoever is looking for payments, etc can apply for deputyship to make decisions, including medical/financial on her behalf. This is overseen by the Court of Protection. And off you go, knowing her affairs will be looked after, and go and live your life.

It seems you have an awful mother, but are not estranged. You’ve taken your duty as a daughter seriously. That’s to your credit bearing in mind she’s been a poor mum and you hate her. You will be dealing with one crisis after another, probably for years. What’s worse, you have no siblings or partner to share the burden and you are already at breaking point. So you really have to choose between duty to your mum and to your children. If your mum was a ‘normal’ mum she’d understand your greater duty is to mother your own kids. It’s a tough decision, but I agree with other posters. In your current situation and state of mind, you should probably walk away. The welfare state will look after your mum. If walking away gets your mum the help she needs, you are still doing your duty by her. Your priority has to be your children. Good luck.

Thank you all, there's some amazing guidance and the opinion is pretty unanimous. I'll set the wheels in motion to escape.

And take the things that you were anxious to save that were your grandmothers op

If it helps. You can still be there for her without being responsible for her if you want.

Had something similar with my stepfather. I had to be very clear with the social workers that financially he was on his own. It’s a bit of a hard line to walk, but they would call me if they needed help with a form or information they needed to get him in the system, I was part of the decision making process when it came to his placement, but they also treated him like he was alone when it came available services.

It was his best chance for a good long term The social workers were great and understood I was available to help but I wasn’t responsible for anything.