Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU With bloody mother?

56 replies

Fedupin23 · 10/10/2023 11:44

Have name changed as ashamed of how I feel right now. For back story, mother never been great, was forced into a young carer role while she was out of the house all day and I had to deal with my dying dad from age 11 to 18. Developed eating disorder and asked for help, was told 'Oh Fox, don't I have enough on with your father?' and given no support, was groomed and sexually abused by middle aged neighbour when I should have been at school and not coming home to deal with my dad, I had no clothes, pyjamas, underwear, haircuts etc and generally had a shit time. Messed up my a levels as dad died that summer, not a word to school from mother, they thought I was making things up and was a liar when I said how bad things were. Got to uni, had all sorts of hideous things go on including being run over while I was in America, asked for help to come home, was told to 'stay there because I want my holiday over there and I never get anything' so went through the US hospital system and insurance claims alone at the age of 21 until she came out nearly a year later. Always felt like I wasn't having the life I could have had with some parental support. Fast forward 30 years, now a divorced single parent and it took 3 therapists 25 years to get my head straight. She's back for round 2, shes developed dementia, ended up in hospital but left her house so bad I had to get social services in to help me clear it as she's a hoarder, garden so bad you can't get in and I can't get to the electrical box which is in an outhouse across the garden, she had to stay in a residential home while I mucked out house and decorated what I could. Neighbours are complaining that the trees in the garden are damaging their property and it will cost £1000 to sort the garden but I can't access her savings.

No will, no poa, no funeral plan, no money other than 1800 in an account. I am now being harassed by the council for her respite fees and carer fees as I'm the named contact and she's lost capacity, she hasn't paid her water bill for almost a year and they're chasing me and to top it all, she had a leak and the ceiling fell down, which I claimed for on her insurance and the money for repairs was put in her current account which I'm a 3rd party card holder for. I moved it into a savings account with the same bank because I didn't want it to get swallowed paying for her carers x 4 every day, but it transpires she's has a bloody credit card she's not paid either with the same bank and they've taken the insurance money towards the credit card. After her bills, which the LA say aren't allowed such as loans, she has £57 a month (not week) for food and now her inco pads as the bloody care home cancelled her NHS order when she left and now she's on the bladder nurse waiting list to be reassessed and given a new prescription. I already had a full plate with being a single mum to two teens and a job and I'm an only child. I literally have noone to share the burden with and I hate her. Please has anyone got any guidance as I really don't want to be here any more but I can't leave my beautiful boys. And before anyone mentions drs and drugs, I'm not depressed I'm just under so much pressure and I have adhd so struggle anyway. Any ideas please?

OP posts:
FadedRed · 10/10/2023 12:54

What all the previous posters have said. You need to look after yourself and your children. Put in writing that your have no responsibility for your estranged parent and walk away. 💐

maddening · 10/10/2023 12:58

Does she own the house?

IncompleteSenten · 10/10/2023 13:00

I'd remove myself completely. She is an adult with care needs and social services have a duty to meet her needs.

They can't make you take care of all this.

Original poster
Fedupin23 · 10/10/2023 13:44

maddening · 10/10/2023 12:58

Does she own the house?

Yes she does.

Absolutely agree with PP that she also has ADHD. SS not bothered, just keep hassling me to set up Direct Debits for care bills.

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 10/10/2023 14:37

Insist to social services that you are estranged, have no relationship and you are not responsible for her either financially or in any other way.

Be firm and unequivocal that you will not be getting involved and will not be sorting out anything further.

I can see why you got involved with trying to clear the house with them, but unfortunately it is very possibly that which made them feel that they could perhaps work on you. Hence they haven't gone away. You will have to be really very blunt that you can provide nothing further and are unavailable. When care bills arrived send them on to social services and the local council with a note saying that you are not responsible for these bills so could they please pay them.

I presume you signed nothing when she went into care?

Topseyt123 · 10/10/2023 14:50

Fedupin23 · 10/10/2023 12:28

Thank you all. I think I just needed to see it written down. I did tell SS that I didn't want to be involved and then all.of a sudden I was down for shopping and cleaning which the carers can't/won't do. She's half an hour away which doesn't help and I'm just so tired!!

Phone them and point out that they have got this badly wrong. Tell them that you have no relationship with your mother and no time due to a traumatic childhood, due to work and to the needs of your own family. Say that if they don't correct things and get their collective arses into gear she will have nobody shopping for her and no cleaning.

Then stick to it.

Original poster
Fedupin23 · 10/10/2023 14:55

Topseyt123 · 10/10/2023 14:37

Insist to social services that you are estranged, have no relationship and you are not responsible for her either financially or in any other way.

Be firm and unequivocal that you will not be getting involved and will not be sorting out anything further.

I can see why you got involved with trying to clear the house with them, but unfortunately it is very possibly that which made them feel that they could perhaps work on you. Hence they haven't gone away. You will have to be really very blunt that you can provide nothing further and are unavailable. When care bills arrived send them on to social services and the local council with a note saying that you are not responsible for these bills so could they please pay them.

I presume you signed nothing when she went into care?

I didn't but mum did. They sent me a copy when I questioned the bills.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/10/2023 14:57

You can get POA even if she isn’t able to agree, it just takes some jumping through hoops. Sounds like you’re going to have to keep her in a home and sell the house.

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 15:01

Why does she pay caters if she’s in a home?

someone with dementia cannot live alone because they’re a huge risk to themselves!

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 15:01

Carers even

Fionaville · 10/10/2023 15:05

Hand over all responsibilities. Take yourself off her accounts. None of this is your problem. As for your mum, you reap what you sow in life.

Flopsythebunny · 10/10/2023 15:08

For your own sanity, walk away. You don't have to do anything for her. Social services will take over and sort it all out

Natty13 · 10/10/2023 15:12

I work in healthcare. People can and do completely cut off parents. It is much more common than you think and totally understandable in these circumstances.

You only get one life, don't waste happiness on someone who wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire. Block SS, tell GP and hospitals to take your name off their records as you don't want contacted. Tell them you're estranged and refer to her as your "biological mother" as it drives the point home.

FranticHare · 10/10/2023 15:18

As per all the rest - walk away. And block all the numbers!

Focus on you and your kids - if you can, take a small break somewhere. You sound like you need it!

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 10/10/2023 15:26

You've nothing to feel ashamed for. Walk away. Does she have a CPN (community psychiatirc nurse) or a social worker? Advise them that you're estranged then walk away.

I used to be a CPN working in an older adults service and I did come across situations such as yours whereby the children were no longer on speaking terms with the parent due to past history. In no way would I have judged you for relinquishing nay kind of responsibility towards your mother. She's never been there for you, why should you run yourself into the ground looking after her.

Original poster
Fedupin23 · 10/10/2023 15:31

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 15:01

Why does she pay caters if she’s in a home?

someone with dementia cannot live alone because they’re a huge risk to themselves!

She's not in a home, she came home on 1st August after I'd sorted her house out!

OP posts:
countrygirl99 · 10/10/2023 15:46

Don't walk away. Run. Run as fast as you can and don't look back.

MissFancyDay · 10/10/2023 15:54

As with all the others, please walk away, I know it's hard, almost impossible, because you are a decent person. But your children are the future, they are all that matters.

She will be taken care of, but you are unable to help.

Chesterdrawls · 10/10/2023 17:00

I would write to the financial assessment team for your LA and state that you do not have access to your mother's finances and that you are not going to apply to act in an official capacity. I would put in writing that you do not want to receive any invoices. If they contact you after that ask for the details to make an official complaint. Firstly it is best to put things in writing (I would consider sending it recorded delivery so you can ensure they have received it) this would mean there is a clear audit trail. Secondly making an official complaint if they don't stop contacting you will mean the case is properly investigated and will likely force them to move forward with finding someone else to take over Poa either the council or a solicitor.

RandomMess · 10/10/2023 17:06

Ring up her social worker and say you are not doing anything ever again for her and you are not being responsible for anything including her finances. Follow up in writing.

Original poster
Fedupin23 · 10/10/2023 17:36

Thank you all. I didn't know whether I was genuinely being unreasonable. When the Council came to help clear her house I said I was only there because I didn't want my granny 's stuff being lost and he said that I only had one mum and should look after her. I can't even speak to her civilly and when she just sits there looking blankly at me, which btw I know is dementia and she can't help it, but it just makes me flip as the position she has put me in is untenable.

OP posts:
idiotsguide · 10/10/2023 17:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Topseyt123 · 10/10/2023 18:00

Fedupin23 · 10/10/2023 17:36

Thank you all. I didn't know whether I was genuinely being unreasonable. When the Council came to help clear her house I said I was only there because I didn't want my granny 's stuff being lost and he said that I only had one mum and should look after her. I can't even speak to her civilly and when she just sits there looking blankly at me, which btw I know is dementia and she can't help it, but it just makes me flip as the position she has put me in is untenable.

The council worker is no expert adviser and it wasn't his remit to say anything like that to you. He actually had no right to do it and I assume his role was only to get the house cleared.

So ignore his stupid and ill informed comment. You don't have to look after her at all.

countrygirl99 · 10/10/2023 18:25

@Fedupin23 some people who have a good relationship with their parents don't have the imagination to understand that not everyone has. Sounds like that council worker was one of them.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/10/2023 18:36

Fedupin23 · 10/10/2023 17:36

Thank you all. I didn't know whether I was genuinely being unreasonable. When the Council came to help clear her house I said I was only there because I didn't want my granny 's stuff being lost and he said that I only had one mum and should look after her. I can't even speak to her civilly and when she just sits there looking blankly at me, which btw I know is dementia and she can't help it, but it just makes me flip as the position she has put me in is untenable.

Ah... Yes. When people tell me this kind of bullshit I tend to look them in the eye and tell them exactly what my grandfather did. And how my grandmother supported him. It luckily happens rarely.

Won´t do it on this thread because it is quite graphic (pedophilia, child abuse etc. No need for details). But it tends to shut people up. Might work for you too, OP.

But I also understand not wanting to share your trauma. It is obviously a very personal decision.