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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family, holiday, DH and DSC!

68 replies

InsideOut112 · 09/10/2023 10:48

My husband had a conversation with me last night and is a bit put out about this situation.

The basics are we share one nursery aged child and he has two children with his exw who are 9(m) and 11(m).

Every year my parents invite us on holiday with them, the invite is for me, DH and our child. DH came once a few years ago but since then has said he doesn't feel right going without the others and so has stayed home whilst me and our child have gone with my parents.

His is hurt that this invite has never extended to his older children. My parents pay for a lot of these trips although not everything I.e. they'd pay for hotel, we'd pay for flats or whatever and invite us to spend time with their grandchild and because they know we can't afford much of a holiday otherwise.

I have said to DH I suspect the reason they don't is because they don't want to go during the school holidays when they have no need to and the cost would me much more for them, busier places and so on... he suspects they will continue to invite us when our child starts school but I couldn't say whether they will or won't and that is up to them.

Whenever I have told my family that DH won't be coming due to DSC they have never said 'oh well in that case we'll change the date to school holidays so they can come' which tells me they don't want to do that therefore I don't want to push the matter. They'd offer if they wanted to right?

I think he's being a bit unreasonable to be put off by the offer and a bit cheeky to expect it to be extended to DSC especially when my parents pay for a big portion of said holidays. He thinks it's awkward that I go by myself with our child and don't want to ask my parents about DSC. I disagree, DSC go away with their mum most years, our DC goes away with me and their grandparents.

So AIBU to say the situation is fine as is and not bring it up with my family? When and if we ever can afford a big family holiday in school hols ourselves I'd be happy to do so but just not possible at the min.

OP posts:
Original poster
InsideOut112 · 09/10/2023 10:49

We'd pay for flights not flats!

OP posts:
Original poster
InsideOut112 · 09/10/2023 10:50

To add, I have no problem with DH staying home and have never pressured him to come.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 09/10/2023 10:51

Your husband is upset your parents won't pay for a holiday for his children?!? That's batshit. Maybe he could pay for his own kids?!?

Original poster
InsideOut112 · 09/10/2023 10:53

arethereanyleftatall · 09/10/2023 10:51

Your husband is upset your parents won't pay for a holiday for his children?!? That's batshit. Maybe he could pay for his own kids?!?

I think it's more that they don't invite them or suggest going in the schools hols so they could come, not that they won't pay.

OP posts:
Bemyclementine · 09/10/2023 10:53

Hes bonkers. Why would they invite his children?? Do they ever see them? He's being totally unreasonable by not going.

Original poster
InsideOut112 · 09/10/2023 10:55

Bemyclementine · 09/10/2023 10:53

Hes bonkers. Why would they invite his children?? Do they ever see them? He's being totally unreasonable by not going.

They do see them sometimes yes as they live with us 1 week on 1 week off but they aren't that close.

OP posts:
JustWhatWeDontNeed · 09/10/2023 10:56

Is he expecting your parents to change their dates AND pay for his kids? Confused

It's not remotely awkward that you go away without him.

redskytonights · 09/10/2023 10:58

I think it's fine for your parents to pay for a holiday that just includes their natural grandchild.

However, is the issue that this is your only holiday (you say you couldn't otherwise afford much of one) and hence it's a question of DSC being excluded from the only "family" holiday? If this is so, I can understand why DH doesn't want to go. I agree that moving it to the school holidays with you paying the extra might make sense. Or you go on holiday somewhere cheaper without your parents.

Weepingwillows12 · 09/10/2023 10:59

Do the grandparents see much of the step kids? Are they with you often? If he's resident parent then it would be awkward to go without them. If not and the grandparents don't have a grandparent relationship with them then why would they invite them. They are already being generous inviting you, your DH and DS.

I think the grandparents don't have to invite them and also it's ok that he doesn't go as doesn't want to go without his kids. Equally he is missing holidays with one of his kids to protect the others.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/10/2023 11:00

Bemyclementine · 09/10/2023 10:53

Hes bonkers. Why would they invite his children?? Do they ever see them? He's being totally unreasonable by not going.

No he's not. I wouldn't go either.

I wouldn't expect them to pay but I wouldn't go on holiday with only one of my children and not the others. My in laws see us as a package and all kids get invited everywhere.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2023 11:01

He could go too, he’s chosen not to. No skin off yours or your DPs noses. I wouldn’t discuss it again, he’s completely ridiculous.

BoohooWoohoo · 09/10/2023 11:01

Yanbu but when your children go to school is the tradition likely to end or will your parents go during the school holidays?

Becles · 09/10/2023 11:02

How many holidays are his parents funding for all their gc?

crumblingschools · 09/10/2023 11:05

If you didn’t pay the extras for the holiday with your parents, could you afford a cheaper holiday with DH and all 3 DC, instead of going on holiday with your parents.

funinthesun19 · 09/10/2023 11:09

YANBU.

And plus you’re not shackled to your husband and his kids. It’s fine and actually very healthy to do things separately. You are more than fine to do things without him and his kids. In fact in your shoes I would enjoy the time with my family and my DC without having to be a wife and a stepmum for a week.

Original poster
InsideOut112 · 09/10/2023 11:12

BoohooWoohoo · 09/10/2023 11:01

Yanbu but when your children go to school is the tradition likely to end or will your parents go during the school holidays?

I don't know, they enjoy going with their grandchild so they may then decide its worth going in school holidays but that would be uo to them, I wouldn't expect anything. I imagine at the moment they don't see a need to make their trip more expensive and more chaotic by going in school hols when their GC isn't in school.

OP posts:
Original poster
InsideOut112 · 09/10/2023 11:13

crumblingschools · 09/10/2023 11:05

If you didn’t pay the extras for the holiday with your parents, could you afford a cheaper holiday with DH and all 3 DC, instead of going on holiday with your parents.

No, the most we tend to end up paying is a few hundred quid, not enough to pay for a summer hols trip with 5 people.

OP posts:
RDragon · 09/10/2023 11:16

I am part of a blended family and I don't think anybody is being unreasonable.

Your DH is not unreasonable - I would absolutely not go on holiday with one of my children and not the others.

Your parents are not unreasonable - they are going on holiday when they want to and inviting you along.

What I think is missing is making a family holiday with all the DCs happen. That's essential IMO for family bonding and memories. Even if it's just a long weekend camping, or going to stay in a friend's house while they are away.

mum11970 · 09/10/2023 11:21

Do your dsc go on holiday with their mother? If they do, does your dh then think he has to take your shared child away to keep it exactly the same?
When my dsc were young they would alternate each year whether they went on holiday with us and our children or their dm, dsf and their children but it is impossible to keep things exactly the same 100% of the time.
If you handle things properly there should never be any resentment. My dsc, my children and my dsc’s siblings on their mum’s side just accepted that there would be differences because there were so many different factors and children to consider.

crumblingschools · 09/10/2023 11:27

@RDragon I’m with you on the family holiday, even as you say a long weekend somewhere. They live with you 50/50.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 09/10/2023 11:28

InsideOut112 · 09/10/2023 11:13

No, the most we tend to end up paying is a few hundred quid, not enough to pay for a summer hols trip with 5 people.

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Then he needs to get over himself and just not go.

BUT if you're having a few hundred quid to put towards this holiday, he should have the same for him to do something with his two if he wants.

Timmytap18 · 09/10/2023 11:30

What do you see as a solution? Him going on a holiday that he's clearly uncomfortable with?

Do you have family holidays at all? Or just the one with your parents?

I don't think either of you are unreasonable really. You're entitled to go and he's entitled to decline for those reasons.

saynotoo · 09/10/2023 11:32

I always find the threads about step children so depressing on mumsnet. It's clear you and your parents don't really consider your stepchildren to be part of your family.
You will always get posters saying 'well they can go on holidays with their mother.' The fact of the matter is there aren't many perks to being a stepchild, I find it ridiculous to begrudge them having a few extra holidays or gifts.

In our extended family the step children of our relatives are treated exactly the same as their biological children. When we were children my paternal grandparents would even buy gifts and take on days out my younger maternal half brother, so he never felt left out or excluded from his siblings.

At the end of the day, you have chosen to pursue a relationship with a man with children. Your stepchildren haven't chosen this situation.

LemonLimeDivine · 09/10/2023 11:38

Ah the entitlement of a Disney Dad knows no bounds!
YANBU OP

funinthesun19 · 09/10/2023 11:38

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 09/10/2023 11:28

Then he needs to get over himself and just not go.

BUT if you're having a few hundred quid to put towards this holiday, he should have the same for him to do something with his two if he wants.

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He will have to do something with his third child though too.
OP isn’t doing that in place of him, she’s doing it as well as him.