Family, holiday, DH and DSC!

[InsideOut112]

My husband had a conversation with me last night and is a bit put out about this situation.

The basics are we share one nursery aged child and he has two children with his exw who are 9(m) and 11(m).

Every year my parents invite us on holiday with them, the invite is for me, DH and our child. DH came once a few years ago but since then has said he doesn't feel right going without the others and so has stayed home whilst me and our child have gone with my parents.

His is hurt that this invite has never extended to his older children. My parents pay for a lot of these trips although not everything I.e. they'd pay for hotel, we'd pay for flats or whatever and invite us to spend time with their grandchild and because they know we can't afford much of a holiday otherwise.

I have said to DH I suspect the reason they don't is because they don't want to go during the school holidays when they have no need to and the cost would me much more for them, busier places and so on... he suspects they will continue to invite us when our child starts school but I couldn't say whether they will or won't and that is up to them.

Whenever I have told my family that DH won't be coming due to DSC they have never said 'oh well in that case we'll change the date to school holidays so they can come' which tells me they don't want to do that therefore I don't want to push the matter. They'd offer if they wanted to right?

I think he's being a bit unreasonable to be put off by the offer and a bit cheeky to expect it to be extended to DSC especially when my parents pay for a big portion of said holidays. He thinks it's awkward that I go by myself with our child and don't want to ask my parents about DSC. I disagree, DSC go away with their mum most years, our DC goes away with me and their grandparents.

So AIBU to say the situation is fine as is and not bring it up with my family? When and if we ever can afford a big family holiday in school hols ourselves I'd be happy to do so but just not possible at the min.

I'm not upset or annoyed with him for not coming, if he feels he can't then I understand and have never pressured him to.

What I think he's unreasonable for is expecting me to discuss it with my parents and essentially put pressure on them to invite DSC or change the dates to go when they could come. Regardless as to who pays, they clearly don't want to go in school hols otherwise they'd have offered before now.

They do get DSC presents at Christmas and birthdays but I don't think either party (they or DSC) see each other as grandparent - grandchild.

Hmm I dunno. I mean why can't you just bring it up with them?

I can see his point to be honest but then we do things a bit differently in my family. My mum just wouldn't dream of not inviting DSD so it's hard for me to understand.

As has been pointed out to me before on these threads though, apparently the way we do things isn't the norm so I am aware all situations are different.

It is so much cheaper for them to go on holiday during term time.

They’re booking a holiday for themselves and then inviting you.
Why should they inconvenience themselves and go during the school holidays instead.

I do understand why DH is hurt but your parents aren’t doing anything wrong here.

I would compromise and you take the baby on holiday with your family and then he take his kids on holiday a different time.

Sometimes it’s the things people don’t say that tell us the most.
Your parents are probably well aware that going away during school holidays means they can enjoy time with their dd and gc without 2 children that are not remotely related to them. It’s all grand for those people who tout “my in laws include all children in blended families” and that is good for them. It does not make it a gold standard to be considered less if grandparents decide that it is not for them.
so long as everyone is kind and polite to all children that is what matters. Equality is not a reality because sc will have their own gp, should those gp also include the other child.

YANBU, there isn't a problem here, he's unreasonable for being put out by it.

Your DH sounds very childish over a total non issue

Yet another thread that makes me wonder why anyone gets into a 'blended family situation or has a child with someone who is already a parent.

OP, your parents aren't being in the slightest bit unreasonable, nor are you. None of you would be unreasonable if the holiday was happening during school hols either. If your husband feels that strongly about it he can book a holiday when all of his children can go and invite your parents to go too. He won't though.

I think it's absolutely fine that he wants to holiday with all his children or none off them.

I think the sticking point is that the OP pays "a few hundred quid" towards the holiday. OP's parents are not paying for everything and this is a not insignificant amount of family money to spend on only 1 child of 3.

I'm with your husband. You're one family. I'm a step mum myself so I understand the complications of blended families. If your step children go on holiday with their mum I can understand your point of view to some extent. But if not they shouldn't be excluded from the family holiday. I think you should all go in school holidays and you pay more or you don't go.

At the end of the day, you have chosen to pursue a relationship with a man with children. Your stepchildren haven't chosen this situation.

Neither did the grandparents.

At the end of the day, you have chosen to pursue a relationship with a man with children. Your stepchildren haven't chosen this situation.

He's actively chosen to have children with two different women, too, and as such needs to accept that unless he specifically seeks out someone that wants to adopt and take on his kids as their own, these situations will arise and he needs to get comfortable with them.

What’s missing it that you should also be doing a family holiday that includes all the children and your DH. If money is short, then looking at camping etc, it doesn’t need to be abroad.

I think, personally, instead of paying a few hundred every year to join your parents on a holiday you can’t afford otherwise you should lower your expectations and book a holiday for just your family inc DSC with the budget you have.

They do get DSC presents at Christmas and birthdays but I don't think either party (they or DSC) see each other as grandparent - grandchild

And there is no reason why they should, since those children are not their grandchildren.

You'll get people telling you how awful they are for not treating them as grandchildren, but that's nonsense. He chose to have 2 seperate families, you chose a man with children. The children did not choose and your family did not choose and neither of them can be told how to feel about it, or how to treat each other.

Ask him to price up all five of you (you, him and 3 DC) going away to chosen holiday destination in summer holidays and then see what he says. If he’s not willing to dip his hand in his pocket or find the money from somewhere to take you all on a family holiday then he’s being unreasonable. The money for this holiday needs to come from somewhere!

We don't share finances so it all comes from my own money. Dh sometimes gives me some money to spend on DC whilst there but typically only £40ish to get them a toy or ice creams etc...

Posted too soon but I actually think you should look at holidaying together as a family next summer. Work out a budget and see what you can afford in the school holidays when DSC can come. Tell your parents this is your priority and see what they say. They might still want to take you and DC away but might prefer to come with you all on a joint holiday. It could make accommodation cheaper if you hire a house/villa/big apartment.

Does your dhs opinion of all or nothing for all dc carry across to everything?
Doesn't do anything with the older dc unless youngest is also included?
I also don't see why your parents should be asked to pay more not only for his dc, but your dc him, you and themselves to go on a much busier holiday!

I think it’s fine as is. You and your DC going with them, and him staying with his older DC.

If you discuss it with your parents you are at risk of making your parents feel awkward. It might be that they don't have the money to go away in the school holidays or cannot afford to accommodate another two children. It is really their decision. Carry on as you have been doing and maybe arrange a weekend away with all of the children.

Yeah I think this is relevant. If the holiday with your parents is what means your whole family can't go away that's hard to justify as you're essentially choosing one nice holiday with just your kid over an average one with all of them.

However if you still wouldn't be able to go away anyway (which could be the case as even camping for 5 people in the middle of August could be more expensive than cheap flights for 2 and a few meals out in may) then its not relevant.

Similarly if the kids lived full time with you and didn't get any other holidays then you'd be unreasonable but if they are also getting other holidays with their mum/either set of grandparents (with no expectation your child would be invited along!) then of course its fine for your child to get the same.

I think it would be nice if at all possible to try and get at least 1 or 2 holidays booked in over the next few years, if only because there's such an age gap that if you leave it "a few years" the 11 year old will be 16/17/18 and not want to come on holiday and their sibling might not want to go without them. So either your DH will never go on a holiday with any of his kids, which would be a pity, or his kids will (fairly) be pointing out "we never went on holiday together when we were young because it was too expensive during school holidays but suddenly when X is in school its magically affordable and you're going away together as a family every year."

I don't think the issue should be raised with OP'S parents.

They choose to go on holiday and invite OP, her DC and DH to come along... weather OP goes or not, her parents will still go on holiday.

If DH wants a family holiday then they OP and her DH should start saving for all of them to go away.

I really don't get the ethos of inviting SDC to every family outing for their step family (?) if they don't even live there 100%.
Yes they are children and it's often a awkward situation, but they also have other blood relatives that can take them out, buy presents and spoil them rotten.

I bet 90% of the time nobody will ask about the little half siblings being left out.

Nobody is being unreasonable but this situation is not sustainable.

None of your husband’s children get to have a holiday with their father - not even the one that lives with him 100% of the time. And especially not the ones splitting their time. It’s just no good.

Also, you deserve a holiday with your husband.

Your child goes away with their mummy for a holiday. His other children go away with their mummy for a holiday. These behaviours underscore for ALL of the children that they are not the same family and that dad isn’t really fully invested in either.

I don’t know what the solution is because I don’t know what your finances are, how much you are spending on these trips with your parents etc… but everyone involved needs to want to find a solution and commit to it, if this is to be sorted.

I have a not dissimilar set up to yours but there is no way I would settle for any holiday without my best friend, co-parent and partner - my husband. A holiday is not a holiday without him. (And his holiday is not a holiday without his children too!)

To be completely straightforward about it: If you live separate lives, your marriage will not last. Thousands of “blended” family marriages are marred by unspoken issues surrounding this sort of thing. And, in lieu of figuring it out, people default to just “doing my own thing then”. Before you know it, you and your child have formed a floating family unit away from dad and the “other” children. It’s divorce-lite.

The last thing I will say is that - although your parents are not being unreasonable; they should not be expected to stump up for 2 extra kids plus pay the school holiday tax - they should not be so chill with ferrying you off abroad without husband. They are not your de-facto family unit now. You have a husband and a child and 2 step children and this is the unit that needs to thrive and be nourished. Family holidays are one of the best ways that we do that.

This isn’t fair. You should share the finances for holidays - both of you put in money nix the holidays with your DP and go as a family. You’re just driving a wedge here between your child and their siblings and ultimately it will be your child who loses out.