Page 3 | Family, holiday, DH and DSC!

InsideOut112 · 2023-10-09T09:48:45+00:00

My husband had a conversation with me last night and is a bit put out about this situation. The basics are we share one nursery aged child and he has two children with his exw who are 9(m) and 11(m). Every year my parents invite us on holiday with them, the invite is for me, DH and our child. DH came once a few years ago but since then has said he doesn't feel right going without the others and so has stayed home whilst me and our child have gone with my parents. His is hurt that this invite has never extended to his older children. My parents pay for a lot of these trips although not everything I.e. they'd pay for hotel, we'd pay for flats or whatever and invite us to spend time with their grandchild and because they know we can't afford much of a holiday otherwise. I have said to DH I suspect the reason they don't is because they don't want to go during the school holidays when they have no need to and the cost would me much more for them, busier places and so on... he suspects they will continue to invite us when our child starts school but I couldn't say whether they will or won't and that is up to them. Whenever I have told my family that DH won't be coming due to DSC they have never said 'oh well in that case we'll change the date to school holidays so they can come' which tells me they don't want to do that therefore I don't want to push the matter. They'd offer if they wanted to right? I think he's being a bit unreasonable to be put off by the offer and a bit cheeky to expect it to be extended to DSC especially when my parents pay for a big portion of said holidays. He thinks it's awkward that I go by myself with our child and don't want to ask my parents about DSC. I disagree, DSC go away with their mum most years, our DC goes away with me and their grandparents. So AIBU to say the situation is fine as is and not bring it up with my family? When and if we ever can afford a big family holiday in school hols ourselves I'd be happy to do so but just not possible at the min.

newamsterdam · 09/10/2023 13:03

None of your husband’s children get to have a holiday with their father - not even the one that lives with him 100% of the time. And especially not the ones splitting their time. It’s just no good

Well that is what happens when you choose to have a second family and you can't afford to adequately support both.

Glitterbaby17 · 09/10/2023 13:08

JustAMinutePleass · 09/10/2023 13:00

This isn’t fair. You should share the finances for holidays - both of you put in money nix the holidays with your DP and go as a family. You’re just driving a wedge here between your child and their siblings and ultimately it will be your child who loses out.

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Think the above is wildly unfair. In most relationships both adults have some money for personal spends - she is using hers to go away with her parents and child who subsidise the trip. Does the same apply if DH spends his money to do things with the older ones that aren’t appropriate for the youngest?

The reality is that a single baby/toddler is a very different vibe for the grandparents to also accommodating and paying for two older children who will have different interests and needs, and the group would likely end up splitting up anyway.

It would be good to discuss how you could all get a summer holiday together (putting in a bit each from personal spends) but don’t give up on the nice grandparent time for you parents with your youngest before they start school. Now mine are in school we see my parents less and they do miss them.

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 09/10/2023 13:08

@newamsterdam

With respect, we have no evidence that the OP and her husband cannot afford to support all of their children. They simply cannot afford posh family holidays for them all - a luxury by anyone’s standards.

This is a not-ideal situation that has spun out after OP started accepting posh holidays from her parents which her husband does not want to go on, as he misses his older children.

It is not a reflection on his ability to meet their basic needs. Many millions of other families, of all shapes and sizes, cannot afford luxurious holidays either. Many of them nuclear.

RDragon · 09/10/2023 13:09

I think it would be nice if at all possible to try and get at least 1 or 2 holidays booked in over the next few years, if only because there's such an age gap that if you leave it "a few years" the 11 year old will be 16/17/18 and not want to come on holiday and their sibling might not want to go without them. So either your DH will never go on a holiday with any of his kids, which would be a pity, or his kids will (fairly) be pointing out "we never went on holiday together when we were young because it was too expensive during school holidays but suddenly when X is in school its magically affordable and you're going away together as a family every year."

This is such a good point @easylikeasundaymorn

JustAMinutePleass · 09/10/2023 13:10

newamsterdam · 09/10/2023 13:03

None of your husband’s children get to have a holiday with their father - not even the one that lives with him 100% of the time. And especially not the ones splitting their time. It’s just no good

Well that is what happens when you choose to have a second family and you can't afford to adequately support both.

The reason ‘he’ can’t support both is because they aren’t sharing finances. So OP gete to pay £££s for holidays on her and her DC but her DH doesn’t get to do the same. If the roles were reversed and a woman was telling us she never got to go on holiday with any of her children because DP prioritised spending £££s on a holiday for himself (and his biological child) with his parents and didn’t contribute to a family holiday there would be uproar

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 09/10/2023 13:10

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 09/10/2023 13:00

Nobody is being unreasonable but this situation is not sustainable.

None of your husband’s children get to have a holiday with their father - not even the one that lives with him 100% of the time. And especially not the ones splitting their time. It’s just no good.

Also, you deserve a holiday with your husband.

Your child goes away with their mummy for a holiday. His other children go away with their mummy for a holiday. These behaviours underscore for ALL of the children that they are not the same family and that dad isn’t really fully invested in either.

I don’t know what the solution is because I don’t know what your finances are, how much you are spending on these trips with your parents etc… but everyone involved needs to want to find a solution and commit to it, if this is to be sorted.

I have a not dissimilar set up to yours but there is no way I would settle for any holiday without my best friend, co-parent and partner - my husband. A holiday is not a holiday without him. (And his holiday is not a holiday without his children too!)

To be completely straightforward about it: If you live separate lives, your marriage will not last. Thousands of “blended” family marriages are marred by unspoken issues surrounding this sort of thing. And, in lieu of figuring it out, people default to just “doing my own thing then”. Before you know it, you and your child have formed a floating family unit away from dad and the “other” children. It’s divorce-lite.

The last thing I will say is that - although your parents are not being unreasonable; they should not be expected to stump up for 2 extra kids plus pay the school holiday tax - they should not be so chill with ferrying you off abroad without husband. They are not your de-facto family unit now. You have a husband and a child and 2 step children and this is the unit that needs to thrive and be nourished. Family holidays are one of the best ways that we do that.

I don't even live in the same country as my DH

But my divorce-lite life does pay for holidays with the stepkids.

Dh also goes to visit his family without me sometimes. We also send the kids alone.

I'd be interested to know what DH financial situation is because he doesn't seem keen to dip into his own pocket?

Dontbeme · 09/10/2023 13:12

What do the older children think, do they feel aggrieved at missing out on a break with your parents OP, or do they enjoy having a week with their dad without a younger child and you about? Does your DP go to any effort on the week you are away and do stuff that might be more difficult with a younger child in the mix? So much of this is attitude and how it's handled by the adults.

JustAMinutePleass · 09/10/2023 13:12

Glitterbaby17 · 09/10/2023 13:08

Think the above is wildly unfair. In most relationships both adults have some money for personal spends - she is using hers to go away with her parents and child who subsidise the trip. Does the same apply if DH spends his money to do things with the older ones that aren’t appropriate for the youngest?

The reality is that a single baby/toddler is a very different vibe for the grandparents to also accommodating and paying for two older children who will have different interests and needs, and the group would likely end up splitting up anyway.

It would be good to discuss how you could all get a summer holiday together (putting in a bit each from personal spends) but don’t give up on the nice grandparent time for you parents with your youngest before they start school. Now mine are in school we see my parents less and they do miss them.

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I still think it’s wrong to be misusing personal spends like this when they can’t afford a family holiday. OP isn’t being fair to anyone.

Glitterbaby17 · 09/10/2023 13:14

How do you know she is misusing personal spends? If they both have the same amount available she should be able to use as suits her. If he’s taking his to expensive football matches or theme parks as they’re older is that also ‘misusing’ personal spends? Assuming they both have some money available is fair.

newamsterdam · 09/10/2023 13:17

JustAMinutePleass · 09/10/2023 13:10

The reason ‘he’ can’t support both is because they aren’t sharing finances. So OP gete to pay £££s for holidays on her and her DC but her DH doesn’t get to do the same. If the roles were reversed and a woman was telling us she never got to go on holiday with any of her children because DP prioritised spending £££s on a holiday for himself (and his biological child) with his parents and didn’t contribute to a family holiday there would be uproar

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So your argument is that OP should subsidise his children by denying her child a holiday with his grandparents.

If the roles were reversed I'd say the same thing: your choices have caused your situation and it is no ones responsibility to dig you out of it.

Topsyturvy33 · 09/10/2023 13:18

I think it’s fine you go on your own, I also think it’s fine he doesn’t want to.

That said, my family always extend the invite to DSC. We take cheaper UK hols tho.

newYear10 · 09/10/2023 13:23

Bristoluser · 09/10/2023 12:25

I'm with your husband. You're one family. I'm a step mum myself so I understand the complications of blended families. If your step children go on holiday with their mum I can understand your point of view to some extent. But if not they shouldn't be excluded from the family holiday. I think you should all go in school holidays and you pay more or you don't go.

But it isn't the family holiday? It's a holiday with HER parents, no relation to the SC. Why should everyone jump and dance around to accommodate them?? This is t the op and her dh planning a holiday, it's the GP's? Absolutely fine for them to want to spend time with their GC, which the SC are not.

BethDuttonsTwin · 09/10/2023 13:25

If the roles were reversed and a woman was telling us she never got to go on holiday with any of her children because DP prioritised spending £££s on a holiday for himself (and his biological child) with his parents and didn’t contribute to a family holiday there would be uproar

I agree with this, there would be uproar . But there shouldn't be because it would be totally fine just as it is for OP.

Quitelikeit · 09/10/2023 13:35

Well you are talking about not being able to afford a holiday of your own so that means even if your parents invited the step children along that your husband could not afford to pay for them - is that correct?

Because then he is expecting them to pay also?

Honestly you are not wrong but if I was your parents for the sake of family harmony I would invite the step children though I certainly wouldn’t pay for them

I guess the fact the kids are with you half the time means maintenance payments are lower too

dcsp · 09/10/2023 13:36

If your DH was suggesting you two pay the difference in price, then I'd say that perhaps it would be worth bringing the subject up with your parents. But otherwise it'd be completely unreasonable to do so.

aSofaNearYou · 09/10/2023 14:49

The reason ‘he’ can’t support both is because they aren’t sharing finances. So OP gete to pay £££s for holidays on her and her DC but her DH doesn’t get to do the same. If the roles were reversed and a woman was telling us she never got to go on holiday with any of her children because DP prioritised spending £££s on a holiday for himself (and his biological child) with his parents and didn’t contribute to a family holiday there would be uproar

😂 The entitlement of some people is absolutely staggering.

Yes you're right, the reason a person who chose to have three kids can't afford to go on holiday is because somebody else hasn't offered to help them pay for the extra two he can't afford to take. It's not at all because he chose to have more kids than he would be able to afford to take on holiday. It's the responsibility of other people.

TrashedSofa · 09/10/2023 17:14

JustAMinutePleass · 09/10/2023 13:12

I still think it’s wrong to be misusing personal spends like this when they can’t afford a family holiday. OP isn’t being fair to anyone.

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Why is it misusing? If it's OPs personal fun money, the family holiday wouldn't get any more affordable if she were spending it all on cake.

Additionally, by the sounds of things the extra few hundred from OPs spends alone wouldn't fund what she's described as a 'big family holiday' in the school holidays for the 5 of them, when added to the few hundred they have in their holiday budget already. DH would have to put his hand in his pocket too, and we've no indication that he wants to spend his fun money on it either. He just thinks someone else should be subsidising it.

yogasaurus · 09/10/2023 17:54

Misusing personal spends? OP has one child and her parents also contribute. Her ‘personal spends’ cover this. DH has three children, his personal spends might not; he chose that life, he might have to make sacrifices.

His choice, doesn’t mean OP and her child should miss out. OP’s family certainly shouldn’t be subsidising his children.