I thought I would make friends through the school

[angelispink]

We haven’t lived in this area that long so I don’t know many people here. However I was really pinning my hopes on making friends through the school as I’ve always heard it’s a great way to meet people.

I work part time so I’m not there all the time but I am at around 50% of drop offs and pick ups. I do also volunteer when I can e.g. I was class rep last year and I read with the kids every other week.

I just find that everyone has splintered off into their little groups and I don’t fit in. I was invited for coffee with a couple of school mums last week (to discuss a project we’re helping out with at the school) which I thought would be nice but it just left me feeling a bit shit, they were talking about all these other social events and it turns out there’s this whole network of parents who are friends and I’m not part of it at all. They even go on holidays together!

I don’t think there’s any obvious reason why people wouldn’t want to be friends with me, it’s not the kind of area where most people were born here and never left - most moved here within the last 5-10 years like us. I just feel like such a misfit and like people only talk to me at the school gates when there’s nobody else around.

Fortunately it has no impact on my kids who seem to get invited to plenty of parties etc but I just feel really disappointed. I really thought that school was would be a great place to meet people and it hasn’t turned out that way at all.

Anyone else feel the same?

Why not invite a couple for coffee? Make an effort but also give it time. If you have only been there for a a short while, people will obviously have friendship groups without you.

DS, who is 11, has attended three schools in two countries. At only the most recent have I made a lot of friends through school, though they are his friends’ and classmates’ parents, rather than just people I met doing pick-ups, which I only do irregularly. I’m the same person, it’s just the environment that’s different. I wasn’t a good fit with the general type of parent at the last school.

I’ve been there over three years!

I’ve been for coffee with quite a few of them and it always seems to go well, we have a nice chat etc. But it never translates into an actual friendship.

I thought that was normal but then others seemingly have found friends for life through the school who go on holidays and nights out together etc.

I don’t think I’m actively disliked or anything it’s just nobody seems to see me as friend material?!

Some of these women may have know each other since nursery or via older children so it probably isn't personal. As well as you being there only 50per cent of the time.

If you were invited to two planning coffee mornings last week - you are been included. Have you told them you are new to the area? When they are discussing the events etc. Can you say something like - oh that sounds great, let me know when the next one is. Perhaps organise your own event.

Good luck OP

Oh you said not that long, so I assumed it was less than a year.

I am pretty certain no one actively dislikes you. It's just that friendships at the school gate are fraught sometimes. I don't think I made any lasting ones.

If people are going on holiday together then they are more than likely long time friends and it has nothing to do with the school gates.

You're putting way too much pressure on this imo, most people are there to drop their kids off, maybe have a friendly natter while they wait and then move on with their day. They aren't there with the goal of making life long friends.

You were invited for a coffee, so return the invite and go from there. No point moping because people have other friends, of course they do!

If they are talking about social things eg holidays with you then they think you are a friend?

what does being a friend look like to you? Is it evening drinks? Going on holiday? Hugs? Talking about personal things? It sounds like they are friendly to you and if you want more then suggest it?

It's hard but you're not doing anything wrong. I agree that they're probably friends in other contexts too - older children/neighbours/related. I knew a few groups like this at school too - perfectly nice friendly people but they had their social tribe and I wasn't in it!
You're in the coffee zone for these women, not the going on holiday zone. Not necessarily a bad thing. Be friendly, show an interest in them, etc.

We have friends for life at school that we holiday with, but we live in the next road and that's why the friendship developed how it did. Lots of friendly people at the school who 99% of then nothing developed further, I dont think a lot of friendships do develop at school because usually already have their own circles by this point

Invite your chile's friends and parents for a few repeated play dates over the next couple of months and see if anything strikes up, but reach out to them and ask if they fancy a meal out/cinema etc and be the first to ask.

Thank you. I suppose if I frame it a different way, maybe it’s actually a positive. Because honestly I’m not sure I’d really want to go on holiday with the school mums 😆

I just feel a bit on the fringes all the time and I’m not sure what it is which means I’m not part of the core friendship groups.

It is hard not to take it personally although take the point that a lot of them probably know each other in other contexts. Certainly in my eldest’s class I’ve noticed that she is one of only two in her friendship group who is the eldest child and the others all have older siblings in the school so that probably has an impact.

Can you organise an outing in the holidays with your DC and a couple of their friends and their mums? If you spent a day out together rather than just a coffee you'll get to know them better.
At the end of the day say how much you've enjoyed it and suggest another one.

Or after school invite child round to play and the mum for a coffee.

Have you also joined any other groups in the area? I joined one and discovered a couple of school mums were in it and got to know them a bit better that way

Thank you. I suppose if I frame it a different way, maybe it’s actually a positive. Because honestly I’m not sure I’d really want to go on holiday with the school mums

And there you have it.

So they’ve made an effort with you, but it’s not enough because they have other friends, but you’re sad because they go on holiday without you, but actually you don’t want to go on holiday with them anyway

surprised you haven’t wailed yet at them being in a clique that you’re not part of, that’s usually how these thread go

I’m in quite a few local groups (I’m the kind of person who always joins in/signs up for stuff 😆) and I have met a few people that way but nobody from the school.

I guess I just had a really romanticised idea in my head of feeling part of a “community” but I don’t feel like that, it’s fine but I feel like a bit of an outsider.

Blimey I was just trying to see it from another perspective and be more positive.

I think friendships are difficult these days post-Covid.

Here's one way of framing it: I no longer go on holiday with a very close friend because our body clocks are different. I get up very early and like to do stuff in the first half of the day, she gets up very late and stays up till the small hours. These days I prefer to meet her for lunch or coffee. Nothing personal!

Parents from my kids' classes meet for drinks about once a month. Why don't you organise it? Put a post on the whatsapp
Anyone fancy meeting for a drink at The Dog and Duck next Thursday?
There's bound to be others in the class who are on the fringes looking for a way in too.

OP I used to be in a group that went on endless nights out and on holiday together. It is perfectly possible to do that and still feel like an outsider, because if those people are not the type you truly connect with, you still feel quite lonely.

I do think to make the shift to friendship you need to reveal a bit of yourself. Often the people who don't make friends are the ones who are very nice all the time but sort of neutral, so you get no sense of them. Sometimes you need to show who you are, which won't appeal to everyone, but people who are similar then gravitate towards you.

I do think to make the shift to friendship you need to reveal a bit of yourself. Often the people who don't make friends are the ones who are very nice all the time but sort of neutral, so you get no sense of them. Sometimes you need to show who you are, which won't appeal to everyone, but people who are similar then gravitate towards you.

Interesting! I think this is exactly me to be honest, I like to think I’m quite good at showing an interest in others but I’m definitely quite guarded.

I don't really think school is a good place to make friends.

The only parents at my DCs school who are friends are those who were friends already. Everyone else just drops off/picks up and gets themselves off to work and I can't imagine it would go down very well to randomly invite people for coffee or a drink like some here have suggested. Is there something else you can do to meet new people?

This makes a huge difference. I only really have friends (from the school) amongst my older child’s year group parents, and friends from outside school via my younger child. By the time younger child was In Reception I didn’t have masses of space left for new friendships.
Also, when did you move? I found I’m closest to parents I met before my children were in year 1. So what I’m saying is, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong! It’s almost certainly just circumstance. I think keep going for the coffees, drinks etc but accept them for the pleasant, light acquaintances they are as they might not turn into anything else. FWIW I’ve never been on holiday with school parents!

I made one 'friend' during the primary years and she ghosted me when her DD failed the 11+ (and mine didn't). Can you look at other places to make friends? Do you have time to do any local volunteering?

I'm terrible at making friends, I'm better 1-1 so I have made exactly one really good friend via the school gate.

I'm very much on the fringe of the wider group though, I go to the school socials, there's a parents band who play at a local pub monthly which I go to sometimes with other mums.

I suggest finding a mum of one of your child's friends and suggesting a Friday afternoon play at the park, means you get to hang out and it's not just a drop off play date. On nice days, we would take snacks and wine for while they kids played.

Thank you. Good suggestions and I am also so much better 1-1!