I thought I would make friends through the school

[angelispink]

We haven’t lived in this area that long so I don’t know many people here. However I was really pinning my hopes on making friends through the school as I’ve always heard it’s a great way to meet people.

I work part time so I’m not there all the time but I am at around 50% of drop offs and pick ups. I do also volunteer when I can e.g. I was class rep last year and I read with the kids every other week.

I just find that everyone has splintered off into their little groups and I don’t fit in. I was invited for coffee with a couple of school mums last week (to discuss a project we’re helping out with at the school) which I thought would be nice but it just left me feeling a bit shit, they were talking about all these other social events and it turns out there’s this whole network of parents who are friends and I’m not part of it at all. They even go on holidays together!

I don’t think there’s any obvious reason why people wouldn’t want to be friends with me, it’s not the kind of area where most people were born here and never left - most moved here within the last 5-10 years like us. I just feel like such a misfit and like people only talk to me at the school gates when there’s nobody else around.

Fortunately it has no impact on my kids who seem to get invited to plenty of parties etc but I just feel really disappointed. I really thought that school was would be a great place to meet people and it hasn’t turned out that way at all.

Anyone else feel the same?

Maybe you’re annoying

maybe they don’t like you

Harsh but I appreciate the plain talking 😆

I dunno about the guarded thing. These days I think people prefer their friends to be guarded and not overshare. Keep things light and fun. I am a lot older than you though, and that's only my experience. May not be universal.

It’s not just you! I have had this exact situation. A number of factors have influenced it in my case - Covid affected a lot of the early years socialising, and I’m also not at the school gates every day. And my DC is not always the most sociable child - he has children he plays with and is keen to make friends but his friendships have been somewhat fluid and the parents of his friends don’t seem to do play dates (by which I mean they don’t respond to attempts from me to arrange play dates rather than that we sit there waiting for an invite).

I have now given up trying to pursue friendships for myself through school - it seems you either have to arrive 15 minutes before drop off and pick-up every day from when they start school nursery, in order to get to know people, or your children have to make friends with children whose parents are happy to facilitate play dates and hopefully you click. So I will happily make small talk with anyone, but have given up on progressing any of those connections.

What I have found is people are often receptive to overtures - but never reciprocate - so I would suggest walks during Covid with other mums on mat leave and that was nice but they would never suggest doing it again, for instance.

I do think Covid has affected how people socialise. A lot of people in my area don’t seem to socialise at home so don’t have people round for coffee, etc. And working patterns can be a factor.

But I don’t think it’s just you - sometimes you just don’t find your tribe.

Similar situation here in terms of thinking I would have a group and haven't really. Some parents go on holiday together via school but their kids don't really like each other so it's all a bit awkward.

Problems with the school gates is, as someone who has said above, there is always politics and jealousy. Everyone wants their kids to be the fastest / happiest / most kind / win the certificate for handwriting / lead in the school play / brightest / winner of spelling bee etc.

My eldest's year group is cliquey. A lot of the parents who are friends are friends because they are also teachers at the school. That's not ideal and I want no part of that.

Youngest is better in terms of the parents and I'm more involved but that's also come from learning with the eldest never to talk about school and / or view opinions and / or try and force friendships. Even then I've had messages from class Mum friends saying "X has upset Y saying they aren't best friends anymore" and my response is always "X loves playing with Y, they just like playing with all the other kids too. X said Y is welcome to play with them all. Sorry I don't know much else as I try and let the kids sort their own relationships".

Get friends out of school. I've struck up a few acquaintances with Mums at football training / tennis / swimming. You're often stood around for longer than at school for a start. But yes, acquaintances over friendships.

My DD has just started reception this year, she is an only child therefore its my first experience of school as a parent. DD also went to a childminder so didn't really know any of the other children beforehand. I have already noticed the little parent groups forming mainly those who are fortunate to be able to do drop off/pick up most of the time (due to work I only manage this a couple of times a week). There are a couple of Mum's who I talk to and stand with who are lovely but as they see each other most days I can see they are on a journey to being friends which makes sense. I'm also one of the older Mum's and I think that is having some impact. The approach I am trying to take is if those school gate chats progress beyond the playground then its a bonus. Would it be nice to make a friend or two from this situation? Yes of course but I am realistic.
I recognise I am not in your exact situation as I am earlier in the school process but try not to place any pressure on developing friendships with other parents, you may find that one day you are the person that is there when another parent really needs someone to talk to or some support. In a moment things can change.

Oh my goodness every one of your posts could have been mine, word for word.

I have lovely lifelong friends, a good busy job. So I'm rarely free. But i still want to feel included.

I had a mini revelation a couple of weeks ago, after feeling exactly the same. Actually what happened was that a school event was taking place and I found out everyone had grouped together and nobody had even asked me whether I was going/to join. Evemmy one on one friends had grouped off.. I knew I was having was school playground childish thoughts, but I was so so sad.

1. I went out for drinks after this upset with a random group of mums. Through the evening I must have heard 20 references to small interactions outside of school- between mums, dads, kids...you know, x and y were at sport game together, I went to park with so and so plus their younger kid, the two dads went out for drinks randomly, I took x home after school for this mum. Each time I was thinking inside... whaaat? THEY hang out? Those families know each other? I had no idea!

My revelation number 1 was: they aren't all meeting for fun things, nights out and excluding me...in actual fact, the fabric of their mass friendship is made up of 100s of weekly interactions with strengthens the cross bonds throughout the group. So if I'm not a part of that, then why would they remember me, plus they are BUSY with each other, so of course nice but quiet me is going to be overlooked. Not ignored or disliked, but hidden from view. So I need to be more proactive if I want to become a part of the group.

2. after this,one of the loveliest mums quickly in passing said we should arrange a playdate. We did, it was nice. Then I realised, as nice and chatty and inquisitive about others life stories as I am,I NEVER EVER instigate social things. I mean a quick playdate, an impromptu coffee in passing. Partly because I'm an introvert at heart, partly because it just never crossed my mind. I'm just waiting to be asked. I didn't want to put myself out there.

Now, if I say sent a message to the group trying to arrange a night out that would probably be a step too far that this point, but baby steps is the key, if you wish to integrate. Make yourself known. Then you'll be slowly, automatically included in things more and more. It will gain momentum.

That's my plan... if I can be bothered! 😂

I moved to my area 2 years ago. I do feel like part of the community even though I'm pretty introverted. I have gone on a short holiday with some of the mums!

How many coffee/drinks meetups have you organised? How many playdates do you do?

I'm kinda getting the vibe from your post that the answer is zero.

I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to make a social life happen.

I also think it's important to remember that its not that people don't like you, it's that they don't know you. Everyone is afraid of rejection and arranging things is scary. Some of the mums and I will arrange something between us before putting it to a larger group so that at least you know you'll have one yes in advance 😂

Do you have a class WhatsApp group? That can be very good for just saying "hey we're going to softplay this afternoon if anyone wants to join" etc

I was class rep last year so I literally ran the WhatsApp group 😂 I also organised class drinks at Christmas and in the summer (to be fair this is the standard expectation of class reps it wasn’t on my own initiative). A fair few people came and it seemed like everyone had a nice time 🤷‍♀️

How many coffees and play dates are normal? I do feel like I organise a few, not loads I guess but certainly not zero.

You have completely articulated how I feel! This is EXACTLY it.

And just like you, it’s not like I’m desperate to meet new people as I do already have some good friends and a busy job but it would just be so much better to feel part of the parent community.

Partly I suspect that I may just never find my tribe, but I am also going to keep trying at least for now.

My youngest is only in the nursery so I’m wondering if there’s an opportunity to try again when he starts reception, since it’s never really clicked with the parents in my eldest’s year.

I haven’t RTFT sorry…
PTFA? If you haven’t already.. (again sorry if you’ve said you have and I just haven’t caught up)

OP I hear you. I have two kids, am nearly always at pick up, and realistically I haven't really made any proper friends. Nearly all the other parents have made some friendships - girls weekends away, skiing holidays with the kids, parties, bbqs etc. I know for a fact that some of them met entirely via the school.
Recently I wanted to do a school quiz night and everyone I asked to join me in a team was already in another one, with their actual friends. Two couples joined up together, and they only know each other through me, because their kids are not even the same age. They still didn't ask me or DH to join!
I put a brave face on it but it does get to me.
However, for a fairly short time my son did a theatre group before moving to one near to us. Through that I met two mums that I consider very close friends. They have very busy lives but we still find the time to keep in touch. So it's weird - all that time spent at the school and I never made friends, and a short time with these women who have several kids each and you'd think would never want to bother with more friendships, and we are great friends. So don't give up; just keep yourself open to new friends.

OP, I think there’s quite a difference between moving there two/three years ago to then having been there for five - ten years. These mums have likely been on the school journey together from nursery/reception and so will have bonded more closely than somebody who moved to the area relatively recently.
You mention being heavily involved in school-related activities and running the class Whatsapp. In the kindest way, are you sure you aren’t being a bit too try-hard? Perhaps some of the mums view you as being a more “formal” member of the group, an organiser rather than a friend?
If you haven’t already, I’d be tempted to take a more casual approach to arranging get-togethers. A coffee and a chat, a glass of wine and a natter, rather than allowing any social activities to revolve around a project.

Yes good point about being a bit more informal.

The class WhatsApp thing was just in response to another poster who asked whether I’d volunteered for things like this, and just wanted to explain that I have tried. I’m not sure it’s the route to lasting friendships though.

Also just to be clear I didn’t just appoint myself as class rep and to run the WhatsApp etc, it’s a standard thing that all classes have someone who takes on this role every year. If I’d just taken it upon myself to do this I agree that would be very try hard 😆

My DD's school is like this. I've tried so hard to make friends and fit in, to no avail. C'est la vie

@angelispink Do you have a hobby which might have a club you can join? It's sometimes better to meet people with shared interests than those who just happen to have kids the same age. Good luck.

Oh wow I could have written this!

I’ve made two really good friends through one of my eldest’s activities and I see them at least once a month for drinks, we go to the theatre together etc.

It’s not that I’m desperate for friends it’s more that I really hoped to feel part of the school community.

I’ve also had a really similar experience to the quiz tables! Nobody ever seems to think to invite me to be part of the group at events like this, I don’t get the sense that people actively avoid me (I hope?) but also I’m not someone who they think to invite to join them. Weird.

God don't make friends with mums at school - it's a flipping political nightmare and you can never escape them till you get to secondary. Honestly you'll find your life is a lot easier if you seek out friends elsewhere

The 'school community' is usually a cess pit of dysfunctionality

If they're at the level of going on holiday together, it's much more likely that you'll stay on the fringes. Nothing to do with you being likeable or not. It's just they're already that close and there's no shortcut to that, nor any reason why you'd have enough in common simply from being around the school. Sure they like you well enough, but they're at lifelong friends level and will be talking to each other in a different way and about different things than coffee level chat, so they're not likely to bring you into that as it would alter their own dynamic.

I've always made my good friends through my work or leisure interests, never looked to the schoolgate to supply people who'd suit me. I liked the other mums at primary and we did some social things together but gave up as soon as our DC moved to different secondaries and now we'd just be on nice nodding terms. That seems normal for most such school-based friendships, whereas the ones you've found are much closer which is nice for them, but not to be expected. Give it less headspace and put befriending energies elsewhere.

If they're at the level of going on holiday together, it's much more likely that you'll stay on the fringes. Nothing to do with you being likeable or not. It's just they're already that close and there's no shortcut to that, nor any reason why you'd have enough in common simply from being around the school. Sure they like you well enough, but they're at lifelong friends level and will be talking to each other in a different way and about different things than coffee level chat, so they're not likely to bring you into that as it would alter their own dynamic.

This is very true! I never really thought about it like this but of course that would make sense.

It does reinforce my earlier comment too where I was wondering if I should sort of give up on my eldest’s year and focus more on my youngest who is still only in nursery. So I still have all the reception stuff.

Plus I guess just count my blessings that I’ve found friends elsewhere and try not to worry too much about it if it never really works out at the school.

I could have written your post 9 years ago. I was new to the area and didn't know anyone. I was just pretty sure I'd make friends with at least one or two of the parents! Although I chatted to most people and was invited to some initial cups of tea, play dates etc. I watched these social groups form, people becoming very close, going on holidays together etc.
It made me feel so lonely because I'd been lonely beforehand and just really expected I'd make a couple of friends! I think for me the issue is I'm a little shy. I tend to make friends at work because obviously I spend several hours there a day and people really get to know me. They see beyond the shyness and see me as a person.
The problem with playground dynamics is that it's five minutes in the morning, five minutes in the afternoon. If you're quiet you don't have time to shine! Even if you go on some of the parents social things, the more gregarious, outgoing people tend to shine and people warm to them.
I did end up making a couple of friends eventually but not until my DC was in year two. I became friends with two of the other more quiet mums.
It's not you - It's just some people tend to attract friends really easily. I feel like once they friendships are established they almost stop bothering with the other mums.

Yes, the friends from the other group who you go to the theatre with sound great and much more what you're wanting. There's more of an element of choosing each other in that set-up too, where there's an out-of-school club involved, rather than being thrown together at the schoolgates, which might never supply the kind of like-minds you need for deeper friendships. But just in terms of shared experiences, it does seem worth focusing on the nursery year rather than the more established group. You've got your place with them and it's unlikely to evolve much at this point.

Also OP not sure if it's been mentioned but I found that some of the mums were from that area originally and many actually reconnected old friendships or were friends of friends type of thing so it was an easy way for them to connnect.

Thank you and I’m pleased you found your people eventually!

I think I’m a lot like you to be honest, I can also be quite shy and I’m comfortable chatting with almost anyone but definitely not the life and soul of the party. Other people just seem to be born with the ability to turn acquaintances into friends but I don’t seem to have it!

So I’ll start by saying I would HATE my friendship group to be the school mums so I don’t really understand why it matters so much to you.

Perhaps you have come across as too desperate and too needy? I would imagine a lot of these people already knew each other? It seems like you’ve spent lots of time and energy here, maybe they just aren’t your kind of people?

I’d be looking for clubs or classes for yourself, to meet people like you, just because you have kids the same age doesn’t guarantee you’d get on!