I thought I would make friends through the school

[angelispink]

We haven’t lived in this area that long so I don’t know many people here. However I was really pinning my hopes on making friends through the school as I’ve always heard it’s a great way to meet people.

I work part time so I’m not there all the time but I am at around 50% of drop offs and pick ups. I do also volunteer when I can e.g. I was class rep last year and I read with the kids every other week.

I just find that everyone has splintered off into their little groups and I don’t fit in. I was invited for coffee with a couple of school mums last week (to discuss a project we’re helping out with at the school) which I thought would be nice but it just left me feeling a bit shit, they were talking about all these other social events and it turns out there’s this whole network of parents who are friends and I’m not part of it at all. They even go on holidays together!

I don’t think there’s any obvious reason why people wouldn’t want to be friends with me, it’s not the kind of area where most people were born here and never left - most moved here within the last 5-10 years like us. I just feel like such a misfit and like people only talk to me at the school gates when there’s nobody else around.

Fortunately it has no impact on my kids who seem to get invited to plenty of parties etc but I just feel really disappointed. I really thought that school was would be a great place to meet people and it hasn’t turned out that way at all.

Anyone else feel the same?

Feeling part of a community tends to take time, and more time, and then some.

These coffees are the very start of a foundation of making friends.

Just going along, accept invitations that you’re given, invite people to a few things in a casual way, it’ll come.

But don’t put pressure on the “school gates” as “where I’ll make my friends”. You have to be very light touch and breezy with it all, see them as colleagues to begin with rather than as friend material.

OP, I also could have written your post too. Also an introvert at heart... we moved into the area halfway through my eldest's reception year and I had great expectations of making friends through school. Starting late in the year felt like I'd already somehow missed that boat and forever was trying to catch up. I've always been friendly to everyone, I don't feel I'm disliked - there are plenty of mums I'd chat to would go for the odd coffee etc. But like you constantly felt like I was on the fringes of groups, finding out about quiz tables, weekends away, nights out etc only after the event. Caused me a lot of anguish and upset but kind of gave up and stopped caring when covid/lockdowns happened 😄 I did find over time I made much closer bonds with one or two mums, which I value much more and is more my thing tbh than big social groups. I also found by the end of year 6 a lot of the big groups who previously spent holidays/ Christmases etc together were all falling apart as mums or kids fell out or grew apart. So not many seem to be lasting friendships after all! Now mine are older I'm focusing on making friends through my own interests instead! Think it's rare to find friends for life at the school gates!

I guess this links back to what I said above though (and another PP also said the same) that I’ve met friends through other groups/activities despite seeing them much less often than I see people at the school. And these have quickly and easily become genuine friendships in a relatively short period of time 🤷‍♀️

I guess this is very much a first world problem and it’s not like I don’t have friends elsewhere, I just really thought that I would feel a bit more attached to the school.

I would suggest swapping the coffee meetings for pub meetings - mums drinks one evening (ask on the class WhatsApp chat or just ask the people you have spoken to); invite your kids friends and their parents over for a family bbq or for a pub afternoon - kids can play, adults can all get to know each other; ask on the class chat if anyone goes to a particular activity if you have a hobby and could you tag along (ie running group, dog walk, book club, tennis etc).

I think you’re right - school gates is a particularly slow burn way of making friends @angelispink

I’m sorry to hear this, OP. It’s hard making friends as an adult. I find that sometimes school-mums can seem quite cliquey - often this is just because being a parents of school aged children is a busy time and it’s just easier to continue to talk with those you’ve formed a bond with early on, but this doesn’t make it any easier for those outside of said “clique”.

Are there any particular children and/or parents that seem particularly friendly? Perhaps you could invite them for a play date either at yours or a soft play that has a nice coffee area?

You can’t force friendships or where you find them. Be content and let life open them where it does.

I think that school gate friendships are doable, but like any real friendships, they tend to take a lot of time. It's often easier starting in reception as everyone is new and actively looking.

What I've found is that I've developed a sort of extended social circle of friends from school - we meet for dinner, drinks etc fairly regularly. I like them, they like me and it's a really lovely thing. But we're not close.

One or two of the mums are better friends and we can rely on each other a bit more. We spend more time together, help each other out, have more real insight into each other's lives, have a good laugh etc.

I have not however found a school-friend who is or will be one of my closest mates. I think that's just luck of the draw.

I was lucky enough to meet two women via my NCT class who, as it turns out, were much more "my people" and who became very good friends. But even there, the one moved away when the DC were still only about 4 and while I think of her fondly, we just hadn't developed a strong enough friendship yet for it to survive and remain close when she did. The other one however, is now one of my closest friends and I am 100% confident that we'd maintain that friendship even if we were to move away now. But that's because we must have spent 100s of hours together by now.

God don't make friends with mums at school - it's a flipping political nightmare and you can never escape them till you get to secondary.

^

This.

Plus, skiing holidays with other parents
😱😱😱

I can only imagine the competitiveness

This is all so relatable! I completely understand what you mean about being able to go for coffee with people but also always feeling on the fringes.

There are a few people on this thread who seem to have been/are in such a similar situation. It makes me wonder if there are actually others like me at the school and I just haven’t realised.

It's quite natural I think to try to make a few friends at the school gate. While it's true that kids make their own friendships, I do find it dispiriting standing on my own at the school rugby while the other parents are together.
Having said all that, my kids have plenty of friends. I'm definitely not particularly liked but my kids are the complete opposite. 😀

It's quite natural I think to try to make a few friends at the school gate.

Absolutely! I always thought people were quite keen to do this if possible. Although reading threads on here sometimes makes me doubt it.

Judging by our school, they are. Just not with me 😅

My doc are adults now - and I never made friends with any other parents. I did take part in social activities when they were in primary school and it was nice to get out and chat with other mums - but once they went onto secondary I lost touch with most of them.

My friends were made through work, people I had more in common with that just happening to have children the same age.

Ironically I have now become friendly with two of the "school mums" - one I never even met when our dc were at school together - through joining other groups locally. Friendly, but they are not my close friends.

Don't expect much from the school contacts would be my advice. Some areas take longer to settle into as well - while I was the newbie in my area I watched these social circles operate - the NCT one was pretty toxic, the one I had been in for my first dc in our old town had been fabulous. All the people in this new one had been at school together 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I reckon there's loads out there like us... we're just so quiet we go by unnoticed 🤣🤣 I actually find I'm more chatty and happy to talk to people than many others at the school, just never made it into those big social groups. Maybe i just give off the wrong vibe! I've definitely cared less as time has gone on!

Me too!! And some of the ones who don’t seem to want to make much effort (not a criticism just an observation!) are then the ones who develop really strong friendships. It’s all such a mystery to me 🤷‍♀️ 😆

This in buckets! Be real, funny, self depreciating, have a bit of a moan. But friendly and warm too. Two way sharing.
People who are just nice, polite and ask me a lot of questions are not people I want to be close with.

I really think it comes down to introvert versus extrovert in my experience of junior school.

The extrovert mums really thrived at pick up and loved the opportunities to make lots of new friends. These mums went on to have regular large camping trips together in the summer and were often going for big group drinks together.

I'm much more of an introvert and it bothered me at the time that I found pick up quite intimidating and wished I'd had the confidence to integrate more.

But as I got to the end of my DC's time there I was quite content - I'd made a few solid friendships that I still have and, well, the extrovert crowd have mostly splintered and many have divorced (often after affairs with other dads etc).

I also found out that there is a long running swingers scene between that school and another local one, involving the more affluent parents!!

A swinging scene?! 😱

That’s definitely something I don’t mind missing out on haha.

Completely agreed on introverts vs extroverts.