I (f27) found numerous messages and calls between my husband (m30) and his new female co-worker

[Annnemarrrie]

Hi everyone. 2 weeks ago my husband changed work inside the department he was working at. He now has different co-workers and I was very excited for him. It's a better job oppertunity so I supported him all the way through. (Very early mornings, irregular timings) but always there to make his breakfast at 5 in the morning and to give him a hug for good luck.

Within the first days he and his female co-worker quickly became friends. I didn't mind cause I am grateful he's got some people around him that he likes. After a couple of days they started to text through Facebook Messenger, mostly about work but that quickly changed within a couple days. They started talking about other things too and I started to feel more uncomfortable.

Again a couple days later, and she now started messaging him late at night when my husband was home with me. I felt very disrespected but decided to keep my mouth shut to see where this would end up. She was the one starting the conversations most of the time and he didn't really try to keep the convo going, so I thought he tried to show boundaries. She started to post a lot of selfies in her Facebook stories and my husband was always quickly there to put hearts on every one of them.

Now yesterday, while he was at work, she send him a screenshot of their calling history. Don't ask me why she did that but I quickly made a screenshot of it to see how much they call. To my suprise almost all calls were made by my own husband! 6/7/8 times a day they were calling! Sometimes 5/6/7 minutes a time. Even the day before yesterday after he finished work he called her in the car ride back home. I got a bit sick to my stomach and knew it was time to confront him. The thing that made everything more suspicious is that he deleted that screenshot in their chat within 4 minutes. I think he might had a feeling that I would peek on his Facebook.

We both have eachothers passwords, never use it but since he started to hide his phone more that's when I started to log in to see whats happening. Now, I am not proud of snooping, but I am glad I did. I feel like all of this is just not okay.

I confronted him yesterday, he got all defensive and after an hour he said he understood my feelings. He's trying to paint me as a psycho for snooping, trying to turn this problem around.

I just want to know, am I the bad one in this story? I just feel really disrespected and unheard honestly

To add: He also hid that he brought her home one night after work. I told him why he didn't tell me and he said he thought that would cross my boundaries. I remember he came home late that night and when I asked him if he had extra work he said no he just brought a male co-worker home. He was very specific about the dude and it turns out it was her not a male worker. I told him that I wouldnt be upset with him bringing her home if its late and dark at night but with all of their calling and messaging all of it its just inappropriate.

Yeah, really jealous of op who gets treated like dirt by her gaslighting cheating dh. I think I’ll stick to my own DH of 25 years thanks.

No, OP. Don't fight for this marriage with a man who takes his first opportunity to start a relationship with another woman.

Disentangle yourself from him while you still have youth on your side.

You think that women who wouldn't get up at 5am to make breakfast are likely to have been jilted by men and are now sitting around getting older and more mentally unwell because they are single? Leaving aside how ridiculous that is,
I hate to break it to you, but domestic skills are often fairly low on the list of what gains and keeps male attention. The OPs situation a case in point. I don't suppose his colleague is turning up with a packed lunch for him, do you?
Nothing wrong with making breakfast. Everything wrong with trying to present women who wouldn't as bitter, unwanted and insane.

Reads like an AI post tbh

OP, as soon as their phone behaviour changes, then its clear they are trying to hide something.

If it was an innocent friendship then he would have no reason at all to hide it from you.

You are right to be worried. and yes, while he is the only one who owes you anything, she knows what she is doing, and a woman who goes after a married man, is a complete bitch.

…you’re 27 and 30 and on fb? Hmmmmm…

Nice bit of victim blaming there.

You're only 27. You still have time to build a different marriage that isn't based on resentments and mistrust.

I would at this point silently be assessing where you'd stand if you left the marriage. Do you work? Do you have any savings? Can you increase your hours? As I said, you are ONLY 27 and you still have time to have the only type of marriage that is worth having. One where the other partner won't project back on to you their resentment at not being able to cheat and yet still be the good guy. That's what all the cheaters do. They want to be free to cheat but don't want you to end the marriage. Mostly.

Just take stock is my advice. Is this what you want? If not, get turned off. If you get turned off then it's all easier for you. No big conversations in your head where you try and weigh up the pros and cons of leaving and the pros and cons of staying. If you know you're worth more than this (whatever this is) you get turned off, you check out, and you're free to start again.

@AlexaCanYouHearMe you're being ridiculous, why would anybody be jealous of a marriage where the man is flirting/looking to cheat. I'm single, but the line about her having made her husband breakfast wouldn't even have caught my attention. But it is so embarrassingly basic to think all single women are jealous of all married women. What is this, 1953?

He is having an emotional affair, likely soon to be physical. What even is the question? It seems like you are going to allow it.

I know he won't physical cheat

Sorry, OP - but every woman would like to believe that of her husband.

I don't know whether or not your husband has had sex with his co-worker yet but I wouldn't be able to trust him, personally - not after all the texting, messaging and (most importantly) lying to you.

Give him a chance but make it clear that he needs to show his love for you or you will leave him.

You don't know that at all and are making assumptions to stir up drama - this is someone's life. Pack it in.

You sound wise beyond your years.

You cannot spend your life policing your husband's behaviour and the behaviour of the women around him.

He has to love you enough to do that himself.

Only you can decide if you trust him enough.

I've lived a life surrounded by mainly men, and believe me, many will cheat if they get a chance. Even the ones you think are nice, non threatening married ones.

One where the other partner won't project back on to you their
resentment at not being able to cheat and yet still be the good guy.

That's what all the cheaters do. They want to be free to cheat but
don't want you to end the marriage. Mostly.

Very true.

*Totally agree with you. I am struggeling at the moment. Is it really
worth it to set out hard boundaries in a marriage? I feel like this has
to come naturally from the other person because they genuiely don't want
to see you hurt. I feel like by me setting boundaries it's already a
lost story. He should've made his own boundaries from the start. *

Totally.

Well, it's a question now wether you wish to forgive him if he decides to step up, usually that stepping up involves the affair going underground which leads to the abuse seen in affairs, the lying, the gaslighting, the false realities.
Do you need this, you are 27 and if I were a betting person, once a person has overstepped like this there is no going back, they will do it again.

Don't waste you days policing a fool who does not appreciate you.

One question, you say she has family, is that a husband and children, or is she still with parents?

Lots to unpack here...

It's quite possible for men and women to become friendly at work, and there be nothing in it, just harmless 'flanter'. However, in this instance, he's crossing several boundaries here and he knows it, you know it - and he knows you know it!

However, at the same time, it doesn't sound like there's much trust in your relationship to begin with.
All this sending of messages and screenshots, you snooping on his FB and him lying about it being her that came over, not a male colleague.
All this, to me, is a recipe for disaster. And doesn't create solid foundations for a relationship.

Sounds like it's time the two of you sat down and had a serious discussion about your relationship and where you see it going. It doesn't have to be an argument; don't 'accuse' the other of anything just talk openly and, probably most importantly, LISTEN to each other. Hopefully, that will give you enough insight into how to move forward.

Good Luck!

Never knew my first couple lines would cause so many arguments. I am brought up by my mom to always look out for eachother. So when I make him breakfast he comes home with my favorite drink. When I do the dishes he takes out the garbage. It's a 50/50 thing that you do out of love, not because you're a lonely housewife. Sometimes it will be 80/20 and sometimes it will be 20/80 depending on the day your partner had as long as you do things for eachother out of love i don't see what is wrong about it.

I read some questions asking if I have built something for myself, I have always been working in the past and stopped working one year ago for the company. I now work online for myself for a couple clients that I do monthly work for and this covers everything I need. If I do end up divorcing, his life will likely be harder than mine. I come from a wealthy family and we've got everything we need. The house is owned by me so he'd have to leave in that case. He is very hard working, that's why I was also there to support him, but his job isn't greatly paid. He enjoys it though so it was never a problem. He really pays his share in the household. I do feel that things come easier for me sometimes and this somehow hurts his ego eventhough I never rubbed any of that in his face. I think it's a man thing, maybe.

I agree with you with me being out of line. He actually told me that he wished I would've came to him the first day I started to feel uncomfortable instead of 1,5 week later snooping.

I know it's not a good thing, I just wanted to see how this situation would escalate after a while. And I did end up getting the photo of their call history due to that. Otherwise I wouldve never known he was the one inituating all the calls, as it looked like she was the one starting every conversation through messages

And once again thank you to everyone for your honest advices and sweet messages. I probably need a couple days to regroup and think about what my next move is going to be. If something else happens in the meantime I will post an update on here!

Ignore all the stupid comments about breakfast and focus on the core thing - although your husband has probably not 'done' anything, he's getting into an exciting and flattering emotional entanglement.

He's also become secretive and deceitful because he knows perfectly well he shouldn't be doing it.

Time for a calm clear statement that you will not accept this behaviour from him. You wouldn't do this to him, so he must stop doing this to you and start respecting you and your marriage.

I personally would be also critical of the woman in question and I would be contacting her telling her to step away from my husband and my marriage.

Fight. Stand up for yourself and your right to fidelity and respect from the man who allegedly loves you.

Yes - you may find he then makes her his choice, not you. Better this happens early on and you don't waste years/decades of your life.

No wonder the divorce rates are so high when all the advice is to walk away from your marriage at the first sign of trouble!

None of the people advising you to leave @Annnemarrrie know either you or your DH, or the nature of your relationship in general. Is this an aberration in an otherwise good/happy marriage? How long were you together before you got married? Only you can know whether you think it is worth giving him another chance. People makes mistakes in life. If however, he doesn't see this as a mistake, isn't genuinely remorseful, and doesn't make amends/cut off the inappropriate and excessive contact, then you may have a different decision to make.

Perhaps couples counselling might help? If he can't set his own boundaries by himself, then maybe you should set them jointly, as a couple.

It's all escalated very quickly. Maybe he's got carried away by the euphoria of the new job? It's not an excuse - there is no excuse - but it may be an explanation.

So you think snooping on someone’s phone and being cheated on cancel each other out?

I’m really sorry to hear this OP 💐
He is having an emotional affair, extremely inappropriate boundaries crossed and I’d bet money they have slept together. There’s an intense connection between them. Whether they have or haven’t you can’t trust this man from his actions and then trying to cover too. You deserve better I would not be starting a family or expecting a happy future with a man like this sorry x

If it doesn't matter then why say it at all? Who do you (and others) think you are to comment how a post is written?

The OP is receiving criticism which is completely unwarranted from some posters who should pack it in.

If you can't trust him, you should end it sooner rather than later. You're young, it's a short marriage, and the house is yours. You don't want to end up having to pay him to go.