I (f27) found numerous messages and calls between my husband (m30) and his new female co-worker

[Annnemarrrie]

Hi everyone. 2 weeks ago my husband changed work inside the department he was working at. He now has different co-workers and I was very excited for him. It's a better job oppertunity so I supported him all the way through. (Very early mornings, irregular timings) but always there to make his breakfast at 5 in the morning and to give him a hug for good luck.

Within the first days he and his female co-worker quickly became friends. I didn't mind cause I am grateful he's got some people around him that he likes. After a couple of days they started to text through Facebook Messenger, mostly about work but that quickly changed within a couple days. They started talking about other things too and I started to feel more uncomfortable.

Again a couple days later, and she now started messaging him late at night when my husband was home with me. I felt very disrespected but decided to keep my mouth shut to see where this would end up. She was the one starting the conversations most of the time and he didn't really try to keep the convo going, so I thought he tried to show boundaries. She started to post a lot of selfies in her Facebook stories and my husband was always quickly there to put hearts on every one of them.

Now yesterday, while he was at work, she send him a screenshot of their calling history. Don't ask me why she did that but I quickly made a screenshot of it to see how much they call. To my suprise almost all calls were made by my own husband! 6/7/8 times a day they were calling! Sometimes 5/6/7 minutes a time. Even the day before yesterday after he finished work he called her in the car ride back home. I got a bit sick to my stomach and knew it was time to confront him. The thing that made everything more suspicious is that he deleted that screenshot in their chat within 4 minutes. I think he might had a feeling that I would peek on his Facebook.

We both have eachothers passwords, never use it but since he started to hide his phone more that's when I started to log in to see whats happening. Now, I am not proud of snooping, but I am glad I did. I feel like all of this is just not okay.

I confronted him yesterday, he got all defensive and after an hour he said he understood my feelings. He's trying to paint me as a psycho for snooping, trying to turn this problem around.

I just want to know, am I the bad one in this story? I just feel really disrespected and unheard honestly

To add: He also hid that he brought her home one night after work. I told him why he didn't tell me and he said he thought that would cross my boundaries. I remember he came home late that night and when I asked him if he had extra work he said no he just brought a male co-worker home. He was very specific about the dude and it turns out it was her not a male worker. I told him that I wouldnt be upset with him bringing her home if its late and dark at night but with all of their calling and messaging all of it its just inappropriate.

Totally agree with you. I am struggeling at the moment. Is it really worth it to set out hard boundaries in a marriage? I feel like this has to come naturally from the other person because they genuiely don't want to see you hurt. I feel like by me setting boundaries it's already a lost story. He should've made his own boundaries from the start.

I am just very confused not knowing if I should fight for this marriage or if it's doomed to begin with

Trust your gut. Complete transparency and no more texting and out of work calling. It’s edging into emotional affair already. He’s putting energy there instead of to you.

I think they likely had sex maybe in the car and at work. It sounds very intense over a short space of time. Dropping her off is a massive flag and lying about it.

He has crossed the boundaries of a relationship which I suspect he knows, however I have to say the snooping is also totally unacceptable. From your post it sounds as though you were snooping on his messenger after just a couple of days when it was “all about work”, why on earth were you going through his messages at that point?

Later on I could sort of see it, if you’ve noticed him taking calls late at night etc, but it sound as if he started this new job and as soon as he made a new female friend you have logged into his account and started reading his private messages? Has he cheated before? As otherwise, I think you were really unreasonable to be reading his private messages just because you knew he had a female friend at work.

Also, by “bringing her home”, I think you actually mean he dropped her off at her home after work rather than that he actually brought her to your home? In which case I don’t think that’s any terrible thing, if she doesn’t drive and he does and it’s dark etc I wouldn’t be irritated by that?

Only you know what your partner is like/how he uses social media etc, for example the hearts on the facebook story pics isn’t necessarily like a “heart eyes” it’s a “like”, but only you know if that’s how he uses it. The amount of the chatting, only you know if that’s normal for him with a friend.

He’s broken your trust, but you’ve also crossed a boundary by going through his private messages.

PS he secretly had her over at your house. WTF?

I'd be going absolutely insane here.

Hard boundaries from me - messaging someone else regularly and having them over to the house without knowledge is a hard no and if he did it again he'd be booted out.

If you haven't got trust you haven't got a relationship.

No @SunshineAndFizz I think it’s badly phrased, he hasn’t had anyone round to their house, he dropped the woman off at her house after work.

To be honest it sounds like you no longer trust him, which is quite understandable. His relationship with the female coworker is completely inappropriate. I also doubt you will get the full truth out of him as to whether the emotional affair has turned physical as well. Only you know whether this is a deal-breaker for you, but in my experience it is hard to come back from a loss of trust in a relationship. You have only been married for a short period of time and his head has already been turned by another woman. Whether he is flattered by the attention or not is irrelevant, he has chosen to marry and commit to you.

Ah I see!

Still not great though. He didn't just fail to mention it, he went into detail about a man.

I'd be going ape.

Sorry everyone, as English isn't my first language I might make some mistakes here and there. It was badly phrased, he didn't bring her over here he brought her to her own home! Which I would have no problem with if their relationship wasn't being inappropriate

To be honest I think regardless of what he has or hasn’t done, this is a relationship I would leave. At the point you are logging into his social media repeatedly to read through his private messages, the trust and respect is gone, so there’s nothing worth fighting for there anyway.

I know he won't physical cheat, but I know that he'll bring it to the edge. He likes the attention. I don't even think he really 'likes' her that much, but like I said he enjoys the attention he gets. I know that and he knows that.

Sorry, but you don't know that. There's a good chance he already has, frankly.

His time and attention at work are focused on her.

His time outside of work is focused on her.

He is quick to 'love' anything shoe posts on social media.

He's lied to you about having her in the house.

He's tried to hide the level of their contact and who is the initiator.

He calls her instead of texting/messaging because he thought that would hide his 'initiating side' of the 'relationship' between the two of them. That's why she screenshot the call log and posted it.

She is definitely interested and keen to get him to leave you. Again, that's why she posted the log.

It's also why he quickly deleted things on his own; he's trying to hide his fling from you.

It may be just 'emotional' right now, but it's unlikely. My guess would be they've already crossed the physical line.

His head has been turned. He's delighted with the attention. He doesn't care about his commitment to you. It's all about his ego right now.

You deserve better, OP.

Really?

There must have been a reason you had each other's passwords in the first place. Has something happened to cause mistrust previously?

In any case it sounds like they are having an affair. These phone calls and the late night visit when you were presumably upstairs in bed? Totally wrong of him. Have you got someone to confide in today? Make it a priority to talk to a good friend or family member. Someone who has your back.

I am very relaxed about my DH, I don't get jealous and I accept he has female friends I don't know. My general feeling is I trust him, if he betrays that trust he's out the door, and he knows that. He feels the same about me. In this instance, I'd be demanding explanations and his bags would be in a prominent place. He's massively overstepped the line of trust and reasonable boundaries. You need this settled now.

He's crossing the lines and he knows it.

Three years in and no children? I'd dump him. He's fallen for another woman and is lying every single day to you.

Why don't you just message her yourself or answer her ''for your husband'' if you see her message to him?

Setting boundaries is easy OP. In your case you simply tell him you do not want to be in a marriage where your husband messages and calls another woman to this extent.
The hard part is what he does with that. He will either accept and comply; tell you no, that's not acceptable and continue; or most likely use a combination of trying to get you to relax the boundary by calling you controlling, telling you you've nothing to worry about, and circumventing the boundary with deceit.
You need to plan how you will respond in all these eventualities.

I acutally hadn't the first days! I was actually excited for him getting to know new people and I was aware it would be a space where more females would work. He didn't really like his old co-workers so that's what made me more excited. He would often come home unhappy before.

The first time I logged in was when I saw he was hiding his phone which he hadn't done before. He would start to lay his phone upside down, tried to keep his phone with him even while he was showering. This is when alarm bells started ringing. I think that was after 1 week. He changed to the new work for 2,5 weeks now. So I would say I kept track of it for 1,5 week.

Yes, definitely wrong. Can't find any other excuse then my gut feeling telling me I had to

What? How is she being bigoted? A poster on the first page asked if she is American as "her posts reads that way or as if it was written by AI" and OP was just answering the question.

I am sure there's no physical cheating involved as their level of talking hasn't reached to any of those points. It's mainly her trying to start new conversations about work and then trying to turn it into a conversation about something else. I've read all the messages and I am sure there's no cheating involved but I feel like this is already being emotionally unfaithful as he's letting her text him even at night when he's out of work.

She hasn't been to our house, he dropped her off at her home after work. I don't think he's been inside as she lives with her family and was home only half an hour that day. Which matches up with the drive to there and back. But still, I don't care there hasn't been psychical cheating. I feel like my husband has been dishonest and is crossing big lines

What a bizarre comment! She was 24 when married, it’s hardly unusual to not have dc straight away. Maybe she doesn’t even want them or is struggling? Regardless, odd comment and not really relevant.

She was responding to someone basically saying her writing style was different. Not sure how that makes her bigoted!

How the F is the OP being bigoted? What a ridiculous, supremely unhelpful, and rude post!

@Annnemarrrie Yes it doesn't look good I'm afraid. Sounds like he is already having an affair with her. If you've no children, I'd be looking to get out of the marriage.