I (f27) found numerous messages and calls between my husband (m30) and his new female co-worker

[Annnemarrrie]

Hi everyone. 2 weeks ago my husband changed work inside the department he was working at. He now has different co-workers and I was very excited for him. It's a better job oppertunity so I supported him all the way through. (Very early mornings, irregular timings) but always there to make his breakfast at 5 in the morning and to give him a hug for good luck.

Within the first days he and his female co-worker quickly became friends. I didn't mind cause I am grateful he's got some people around him that he likes. After a couple of days they started to text through Facebook Messenger, mostly about work but that quickly changed within a couple days. They started talking about other things too and I started to feel more uncomfortable.

Again a couple days later, and she now started messaging him late at night when my husband was home with me. I felt very disrespected but decided to keep my mouth shut to see where this would end up. She was the one starting the conversations most of the time and he didn't really try to keep the convo going, so I thought he tried to show boundaries. She started to post a lot of selfies in her Facebook stories and my husband was always quickly there to put hearts on every one of them.

Now yesterday, while he was at work, she send him a screenshot of their calling history. Don't ask me why she did that but I quickly made a screenshot of it to see how much they call. To my suprise almost all calls were made by my own husband! 6/7/8 times a day they were calling! Sometimes 5/6/7 minutes a time. Even the day before yesterday after he finished work he called her in the car ride back home. I got a bit sick to my stomach and knew it was time to confront him. The thing that made everything more suspicious is that he deleted that screenshot in their chat within 4 minutes. I think he might had a feeling that I would peek on his Facebook.

We both have eachothers passwords, never use it but since he started to hide his phone more that's when I started to log in to see whats happening. Now, I am not proud of snooping, but I am glad I did. I feel like all of this is just not okay.

I confronted him yesterday, he got all defensive and after an hour he said he understood my feelings. He's trying to paint me as a psycho for snooping, trying to turn this problem around.

I just want to know, am I the bad one in this story? I just feel really disrespected and unheard honestly

To add: He also hid that he brought her home one night after work. I told him why he didn't tell me and he said he thought that would cross my boundaries. I remember he came home late that night and when I asked him if he had extra work he said no he just brought a male co-worker home. He was very specific about the dude and it turns out it was her not a male worker. I told him that I wouldnt be upset with him bringing her home if its late and dark at night but with all of their calling and messaging all of it its just inappropriate.

I reffered to her saying it was AI written, I am not a dummy, I know America's first language. My posts might come off static as this isn't my native language im speaking in

Thank you, struggeling is the right answer. I also didn't want to have childeren too young as I wanted to be sure about my marriage first. I come from a broken family and don't wish that upon my own childeren

If you can't trust your partner there is no point continuing. Your life with him will be miserable.

He's having an emotional affair. That's certain. If not already physical, it will likely turn that way too. Sorry, op. Your DH has crossed boundaries for sure.

To be honest the trust is gone, so for me, the relationship is over.

If you were ten years older with a couple of children, my advice would probably be different, but you are still young and can start over with someone more trustworthy.

If you stay in this marriage, you’ll just be waiting for this to happen again, monitoring everything DH says and does. So sorry. 💐

OP The fact that he is behaving like this and running rings around you, being ambiguous about things tells me he is definitely up to no good with her. You are his wife, not his mother or his keeper and he has placed you unwillingly into both categories.

You should not have to be chasing around after this child of a man. You can't trust him and surely trust is the biggest part of a marriage? Without trust there is nothing

I totally agree with you op, he is a fully grown man who knows what marriage is. He knows what the appropriate boundaries are because if it were the other way around one would assume he would not like it! I’m sorry but I’ve been where you are and I did the whole ‘putting my foot down’, thing. he just got a secret second phone and was much more devious. I was suspicious of how he placated me so quickly and I just didn’t trust him fully. I felt such a fool when I found out. My eyes have been opened to this type of behaviour now. If it were me now, I would walk away. I wouldn’t fight for a man whose head was so easily turned, who deflected the blame onto me when it was, and who lied about something that was supposedly ‘innocent’!. No matter what happens, you will now have your doubts about his commitment to your marriage and it will eat away at you. You are still young and assume you have no children. You are in a good position to consider your future without any complicating factors. I hope you are happy with which ever decision you make. Good luck.

Deleting his message history and lying about the ‘male’ colleague clearly shows he knows what he is doing is wrong. If he had nothing to hide he would have been open.

Its a classic behaviour to gaslight the woman and make her seem psycho insecure etc.

if i was in your position OP i wouldn’t be able to trust he would keep it purely ‘professional’ and during work hours, they have already crossed that line way back. would you also be able to trust he is being completely professional when he is at work?

he is enjoying the attention from her and he is enjoying your ‘jealousy’. Its a big stroke for the male ego

Don't let anyone gaslight you and tell you that you're wrong. He's a liar and he shouldn't have to be told it's inappropriate. You shouldn't have to set boundaries. You sound like a good woman and you deserve better than him.

I wouldn’t be so confident about him not physically cheating. Him elaborately lying about taking the male colleague home is really shady.

Do you work, OP?

LTB

Let that 🥭

The texting and calling is one thing, but bringing her to your house and lying about it??

The texting and calling I could forgive, and I would ask that he stops speaking to her outside of work (where I assume he has to), deletes her on socials, etc. The question is, how will you feel knowing that he still spends time with her at work, and that he already secretly brought her to your home once before?

I think he is also well aware of what he is doing, or he wouldn't have lied about anything.

Me too 😂 thoughts of my mother plus 1950s housewife

I'd be most worried by how quickly this all developed, it didn't take him very long at all to develop an inappropriate relationship with another woman.

It's following the very stereotypical script which they all do, you've just caught him at it super early.

Honestly op this is a good thing. Really think about if this man is worth the hassle, you're still very young, find someone who values you

😂😂😂😂

Emotional affair and short marriage. I’d end it as I’d never be able to fully trust him.

Hugs OP it doesn't look good. You sound lovely and clearly too good for him. As previous posters have said with no kids plus your young age you can easily start over but it will be a difficult decision none the less.

@@Redcargidan husband hasn’t taken colleague to OP’s home - when she said ‘brought’ her home OP meant to say taken her back to her own home. Unfortunate phrasing due to English not being her first language.

Your advice could be more helpful/relevant if you read all of her posts before replying?

Why did he bring her to your home and then lie to you. What a fool this man is. You are young. You will find someone who loves, respects and appreciates you. Leave him to his ego and his immature view of marriage. God, why can't some men realise how lucky they are. You will look back and see how lucky you are to have moved on. I know it is easy for people to tell you this and not so easy in reality but everything is in your favour. Please don't regret putting your effort into a relationship that is not right for you. Once trust has gone there is nothing left. I hope you have family and friends to help you. Talk to them. They will probably tell you what a dick they have always thought he is from the start.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP, but you followed your gut which many of us are too frightened to do, and you were clearly right to do so. You haven't had children yet, so in your shoes I personally would walk away from this relationship, as not only will he do it again, but if by then you have had a child, you will end up in just the situation you didn't want to find yourself in. From life's experience I have found that people generally don't become who they are finally going to be until they reach 30, and he's shown you at this 'fully grown up' stage, that he's a cheat and a liar. Walk away.

*husband hasn’t taken colleague to OP’s home - when she said ‘brought’ her home OP meant to say taken her back to her own home. Unfortunate phrasing due to English not being her first language.

Your advice could be more helpful/relevant if you read all of her posts before replying?*

I did read her updates, clearly I misunderstood this bit.

Personally I would still ask the question, even with her off socials and telephone number blocked, could she trust him seeing her every day again work and with this lie about taking her home (why lie about it if it is innocent)?
The OP doesn't have children with this man, if she did my advice would be different and I'd be saying try to get past it, but only the OP knows if she can rebuild this trust.

The best thing you can do is tell your husband how you feel about his behaviour . I don’t think this is acceptable for him to be close with another woman , sharing chats and drives home and leaving you in the dark screams affair and deceit. Give him the opportunity to stop this now before it may go on to something else ..
you are not being unreasonable or crazy btw! He may be feeling flattered by her attention but this is no excuse for upsetting you his wife . And if he is giving her attention which should be yours, then this is not a good sign.
my husband had a whole secret life online various chat sites . His attention was there all the time . Needles to say , I ended the marriage after finding out many years later why I was being treated like his mum and not his partner !
if your husband is openly flirting and putting hearts in her Fb and trying to hide things , you need to wake him up that he is damaging your relationship . Good luck 🤞

This is such a stupid way of thinking. Me and DH make each other breakfast even if one of us isn't working and whatever time of morning it is. You know because it's a nice thing to do? Now my DC are older they also offer to make breakfast for anyone who hasn't eaten when they get up. So bizarre having a "fuck you sort yourself out" attitude. I'm sure you do things for your OHs that others would find weird. It doesn't make those things weird or sexist just because others wouldn't do them