To feel like there's nothing that will change the hopelessness?

[HopelesslySad]

I'm really struggling at the moment. I have 2 DC, one in nursery and one in school. I work 2 jobs - one from home during the day 3 days a week, and an extra job 2 nights and Saturday mornings out of the house. Despite that we have not a penny to spare. I'm highly skilled and trained - postgrad professional qualification. DH works full time in a typical 9-5 but does extra hours.

The mortgage has gone up - we can't downsize as we have a small 3 bed, the DC share a room and the box room is DH's office. Nursery fees have gone up. Everything has bloody gone up!

I'm terrified we'll have to pull DC2 from nursery and I'll have to look after her in the day and work my hours at night, it's the only way I think we'll be able to make ends meet. But I'm already exhausted.

We have nothing spare, nothing. I worked out yesterday that the trainers I was wearing are 13 years old. We don't have anything spare for a bottle of wine for the weekend. I've no idea how we'll make Santa happen. It's terrifying and also really rubbish. Weekend activities are the park, conker hunting. We live in a wealthy area and other kids in the DCs class talk of Disneyland and soft play. We used to be able to afford holidays and days out, but now DC know ' we don't have any pennies spare.' Heartbroken.

I'm carrying this burden alone. I lay awake panicking. It's all on me - I do all the household management, all the school runs, childcare. I'm up from 6am every day with them; and I put them to bed. I told DH I was drained by it and felt my mental health was struggling. He suggested I try to do more housework to make myself feel more proud of the house. I'm a staunch feminist but I'm too worn down to argue.

AIBU to think there's nothing I can do? The doctor wouldn't be able to help unless he can give me a new job. I feel such a failure, I've failed my children.

There are three issues in your post

1. you don't have enough money coming in
2. your mental health is suffering as a result of the worry - your GP can help with this aspect

But 3) is this I'm carrying this burden alone. I lay awake panicking. It's all on me - I do all the household management, all the school runs, childcare. I'm up from 6am every day with them; and I put them to bed. Your DH needs to pull his weight - this is NOT all on you

I’m sorry you are going through this. Why isn’t DH pulling his weight?

A few reasons I suspect.

He works long hours and brings in the majority of the money so thinks he's done his 'share' and can relax.

He doesn't like dOing child/house care and so will almost unconsciously do anything to avoid it.

He comes from a family where the women do the housework and that has undoubtedly influenced him - he'd deny it but it has.

And sadly, ultimately I suspect he doesn't value me or particularly care for me any more so there's no sense of wanting to make my life easier. Particularly since I've started struggling more - I'm not as fun and peppy as I was. I hope in time we can work through this as I do still love him and I hope he does me.

This sounds really hard. Do you get the 30 hours free nursery hours yet? How long till your youngest starts school? If you can hang in there, hopefully soon you will be through the hardest times financially once you have them both in school

No free hours until Jan 2025 as DC2 doesn't turn 3 until November next year. A long time to cling on.

Your husband told you to do more housework to cheer yourself up?!

Your 'D'H needs to support you and help out. You are a team. It sounds like you're going 3 jobs with all the housework and childcare! No wonder you're exhausted and feeling down.

If your children are that young they won't care about holidays etc honestly. Days out at the park are lovely. Once you get free hours things will ease up financially. As long as you have food on the table, try not to worry about money for extras.

It is a long time but I would try and wait it out if you can, rather than attempting to do childcare in the day and your work at night. That will absolutely exhaust you. You need to look after yourself too.

Gosh sorry you're feeling like this. I do think it's worth going to the doctor, because if you can get help to feel less hopeless you'll be able to frame what is a really tricky situation in a way that feels better (and you've said yourself, the situation itself isn't going to change soon).

First, think of a task - cooking, the laundry, cleaning, school/nursery runs, food shopping, meal planning, or something else you think of, and hand it over to your husband. He might not want to do it but you are going to stop doing it so he will. He might do it rubbish but you are going to pretend not to notice.

Then to be honest your weekends finding conkers in the park sound fun. You don't have to spend money to have a nice time, we've all just got used to doing it. Getting outside and playing out with the kids is something you can try to focus on enjoying rather than thinking of it as an alternative to Disney etc. Yes, it takes more effort, but once you've decided you're playing hide and seek/making nature bracelets/building a den for the kids or even their soft toys and you're putting your energy into having a nice time with them that can really help. Especially if you make sure the activity contains something of what YOU enjoy, be that crafty stuff, sport, acting stuff out, etc etc (I'm not saying this as a Pollyanna, I'm prone to depression and this approach helps me).

You need to have an honest conversation with your H really because he's being a dick but week it what you can do for yourself first and then you'll be stronger for that conversation.

You're absolutely NOT failing your children. You're showing them than you've got fight and determination and resilience (although it may not feel like that right now). Free days out are the best ones, in my opinion. The multiple times you go conker hunting will add up to create a warm fuzzy feeling in your kids years down the line. Disney is great, yes, but it's a flash in time across a whole childhood and the repeated things you do, week in week out, are what influence your children the most, and stay with them.
Have a really serious chat with your husband. He needs to see how exhausted and worried you are. You need to be a team and steer together through this difficult patch. And accept any offers of help, financial or otherwise, from friends and family. Now is not the time to be proud.
Finally, it's worth doing the sums to see if moving to a cheaper area would reduce your mortgage.
Good luck.

Thank you. I really appreciate the replies. I think you're right that I need to reframe it in my head. I know I'm lucky in many ways - two lovely healthy children who are mostly fairly well behaved.

I find it hard to hand things over to the DH. It just doesn't get done. I handed over the cat - buying food, doing her flea/worm drops etc. She ran out of food and I'm not going to let her starve. Then she got fleas as he'd not medicated her and it was a massive chore to de-flea the whole house. So it just seems easier to do it myself. Maybe another thing I need to reframe in my head though.

You are highly qualified with a lot of skills.

Have you thought about tutoring your degree to uni students?

You could make a lot of money.

Unfortunately your H sounds like a selfish child. Hand over the laundry. Tell him you're doing it, no need to be cryptic about it. You can even give him a lesson if he really is a useless twat.

You can always sneakily do some for yourself but when he runs out of clean pants he'll start doing it. Make sure the kids' laundry goes in with his, all mixed up, and do not flinch.

YABU but not because you are stressed/overwhelmed but because you don’t have the support you need from your wanker of a DH. More housework my arse!

Your DH needs to do more for sure. But just one practical tip for now. If you live in a wealthy area there's almost certainly a good "buy nothing" page on Facebook for your neighbourhood. We moved house recently and gave tons of stuff away on ours. If you haven't already then take a look - you'll be able to find things for the kids for Christmas and possibly some things for yourself as well. The purpose is to reduce waste - people from all walks of life came to pick up our stiff and it's about saving it from landfill so don't be embarrassed.

It might be worth looking at finding new jobs in a cheaper area. If you're in the south, have you thought about moving to the north? Generally properties are cheaper.

It sounds as if your husband works from home (the box room is his office), so presumably he can work anywhere.

You also need to get your husband to do his fair share of running the house and helping with childcare. At the moment you are doing an unfair proportion.

Then, the cat. Can it be re homed? Pets are expensive, especially if they need to go to a vet.

Expensive holidays don't matter, it's enough to find free activities. Just going to the park is fine.

Are you taking advantage of the tax free childcare scheme?

Jan 2025 is 14 months away (?)

First question, what is your actual shortfall going to be over that time?

1. Regular monthly outgoings shortfal
2. Non monthly / ad hoc expenses shortfall e.g. termly childcare fees, annual MOT or car insurance etc. Divide this by 12 to get a monthly amount.

Once you have a clearer picture of the actual shortfall you can work out how to cover it.

Obviously you have cut all discretionary expenses already (no eating out, less alcohol, clothes and shoes off Vinted etc).

And now you can compare the shortfall amount to the amount the nursery fees will reduce come Jan 2025.

And then to the amount fees reduce once DC start school.

There is no shame using debt to bridge the gap temporarily, but, it's important to figure out if the debt will be affordable and sustainable or not.

If it’s any consolation OP, I grew up in a household where we had no money. I don’t think it’s harmed me, in fact I think it’s made me more empathetic to others and appreciative of the things that matter.

Sod that. So your husband would happily see you work during the night so you can care for your baby during the day, to lessen your outgoings.
I presume he'll still expect all the housework etc to be done - maybe to a higher standard since you "won't be working" during the day a few days a week.

One thing that did strike me, you say your trainers are 13 years old.
This isn't a recent financial problem due to COL, or even since you've had children; it sounds like things were tight before.

Are the household finances pooled? I have a feeling you husband has more disposable income. Am I right?

I bet you are paying for nursery out of your wage too I bet? He should be helping.

What a horrid man. He doesn't like doing house work.

Who does?
My dh doesn't understand house work and thinks it's loading and unloading the dishwasher. He would never hoover the living room rug etc.
Or use his initiative.
However... He tries I have to ask him but he does try.

Lots of food for thought there.

We're already in the North and close to grandparents so wouldn't want to move far as they do give a lot of support - albeit their health means I would never expect them to take on childcare on a full time basis.

We have always been tight-ish financially but up until a couple of years ago could have a few treats - a low key holiday, wine at the weekend, dinner out on birthdays etc. In terms of the old trainers - I'm definitely a bit Pollyanna as someone said earlier - love that phrase! I've always spent any extra we had on the children.

I'll look into the Facebook page, thank you for that idea. I already use Vinted and sell the children's old clothes to find new.

To be fair, household funds are pooled and DH doesn't have any more disposable income than me. He does get some perks through work - phone paid for, he travels a couple of times a week and will get dinners, drinks, hotels if it's far etc. paid for. But he's not in Prada whilst I'm in rags!

We live in a wealthy area

I'm carrying this burden alone. I lay awake panicking. It's all on me - I do all the household management, all the school runs, childcare. I'm up from 6am every day with them; and I put them to bed. I told DH I was drained by it and felt my mental health was struggling. He suggested I try to do more housework to make myself feel more proud of the house

Those are your main two problems-living in a wealthy area and you’re doing everything alone.

Can you move somewhere cheaper?
Speak to your DH about what impact he is directly having on you.

What is your highly specialised job-is is highly paid-is there scope for promotion?

My first husband's only job was to empty the bin in the kitchen. He asked me one day if I had noticed that it was overflowing? I told him that it could fill the kitchen for all I care. It was literally the only thing he did. The idea that it's simpler to do it yourself is shortsighted. He emptied the bin btw. You need to parcel out more tasks and manage him until he actually takes responsibility. One thing I will say though, is that the finances do get easier over time.

@Fulshaw that's really reassuring, thank you. My one real wish is that my children feel loved and that they've had a good childhood, regardless of whether we're broke!