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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like there's nothing that will change the hopelessness?

66 replies

HopelesslySad · 08/10/2023 06:33

I'm really struggling at the moment. I have 2 DC, one in nursery and one in school. I work 2 jobs - one from home during the day 3 days a week, and an extra job 2 nights and Saturday mornings out of the house. Despite that we have not a penny to spare. I'm highly skilled and trained - postgrad professional qualification. DH works full time in a typical 9-5 but does extra hours.

The mortgage has gone up - we can't downsize as we have a small 3 bed, the DC share a room and the box room is DH's office. Nursery fees have gone up. Everything has bloody gone up!

I'm terrified we'll have to pull DC2 from nursery and I'll have to look after her in the day and work my hours at night, it's the only way I think we'll be able to make ends meet. But I'm already exhausted.

We have nothing spare, nothing. I worked out yesterday that the trainers I was wearing are 13 years old. We don't have anything spare for a bottle of wine for the weekend. I've no idea how we'll make Santa happen. It's terrifying and also really rubbish. Weekend activities are the park, conker hunting. We live in a wealthy area and other kids in the DCs class talk of Disneyland and soft play. We used to be able to afford holidays and days out, but now DC know ' we don't have any pennies spare.' Heartbroken.

I'm carrying this burden alone. I lay awake panicking. It's all on me - I do all the household management, all the school runs, childcare. I'm up from 6am every day with them; and I put them to bed. I told DH I was drained by it and felt my mental health was struggling. He suggested I try to do more housework to make myself feel more proud of the house. I'm a staunch feminist but I'm too worn down to argue.

AIBU to think there's nothing I can do? The doctor wouldn't be able to help unless he can give me a new job. I feel such a failure, I've failed my children.

OP posts:

Original poster

HopelesslySad · 08/10/2023 08:49

@BBno4 yes - that's the evening and Saturday job, tutoring. It does pay reasonably well but sadly I can't do many hours of it as it tends to be only after uni hours.

OP posts:

sedesteem · 08/10/2023 08:51

@HopelesslySad solidarity. I darent disclose what I earn as I would be told how can I possible struggle on that but oh my god we do. I genuinely can’t remember the last time I bought anything new or nice for myself… and I earn well over average salary. I worry every night about how we will manage and my job is horrendously stressful and highly skilled.. which yes, means I expected never to be on the breadline but I am and have no gov support etc. I hear you. I feel for you. You are not alone.

bubblesandbathwater · 08/10/2023 08:51

Hi OP
Are you sure you won't get any free childcare hours before Nov next year?
Under the new government plans my DTs are set to qualify for 15 hours each from April next year. They are the same age as your youngest .

whereisthecheese · 08/10/2023 08:55

Pass over to him all the tasks that directly impact him - his washing, ironing, cleaning his side of the room. He's a selfish bastard, so let him run his own things himself.

Original poster

HopelesslySad · 08/10/2023 08:59

@bubblesandbathwater we will be eligible for 15 hours from April too - but the cynic in me won't believe it's true until it happens! I'm expecting the government to pull it/delay it on or around 29th March! It will help though!

OP posts:

Original poster

HopelesslySad · 08/10/2023 08:59

@sedesteem I'm sorry - it sucks.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 08/10/2023 09:03

bubblesandbathwater · 08/10/2023 08:51

I think making any sort of financial/childcare plans on what the current last legs government are making promises about would be extremely unwise. They are unlikely to be in power after the next GE and any incoming party will have their own priorities. Even if they did remain in power, they can still drop/inadequately fund current proposals so that they aren’t viable.

SortingItOut · 08/10/2023 09:04

My children are adults now but I just wanted to say that what you do with them like the park and conker collecting is exactly what they love and will remember in years to come.

We didn't have much money when my children were growing up but we did do some days out and had 1 holiday a year to Haven. In my mind the best memories would be from the days out or holidays, no the memories they still have are board game Sundays where we just spent most of the day playing different board games - we had a huge collection as birthday and xmas always involved a new board game.

Even now both are over 20 and they ask if we can do board game afternoons - unfortunately we only manage it about twice a year but its always great fun🙂

hopsalong · 08/10/2023 09:04

I think it might be useful to disclose the actual situation because you'll get really good help. I'm not naturally a frugal person. (My parents were amazingly relaxed about spending despite not being rich.) Have learned some useful tips since having children to stop what would otherwise have been colossal food waste, excess heating bills etc.

If you are earning a good wage and struggling this much then something seems wrong with your spending. Or do you have a lot of debts? Is your mortgage too high?

It's also possible that you're not being paid enough for your level of skill and that you either need to ask for a pay rise or switch jobs.

Lollyloup89 · 08/10/2023 09:07

Hi OP. You will get free hours from April next year. Because your child is 2. You'll get 15 free hours so you should find you save £100 or so on your nursery bill from April.

I sympathise with your issues because I am feeling similar at the moment and it's really not great. Just know you are not alone xxx

unsync · 08/10/2023 09:07

"He doesn't like dOing child/house care and so will almost unconsciously do anything to avoid it." He's not doing it unconsciously, it will be deliberate. I'm sure you're not overly keen on child/house care either, but you manage.

Just like with the cat, which is weaponised incompetence. This manchild needs to grow up and step up, as his behaviour will absolutely bring the whole thing crashing down. At which point he will blame you and not take responsibility for his (lack of) actions.

Hollyhead · 08/10/2023 09:08

Are you paying for your nursery through tax free childcare? So many people I know say it’s too much hassle but it’s 20% off the bill.

NeedToChangeName · 08/10/2023 09:09

My childhood memories are things like ice cream on the beach. If children have a happy, stable home with lots of love, that's far more valuable than fancy holidays

These are tough times for many. I hope things improve for you

PurpleRadish · 08/10/2023 09:10

Just wanted today you sound lovely and I wish you all the best.

Original poster

HopelesslySad · 08/10/2023 09:14

Thank you all for your kind reassurance.

Yes - we use the tax free childcare scheme. I hope the 15 hours comes off.

Our mortgage wasn't high until recently.

We do have some debt from unexpected disasters recently - boiler broke, car needed new tyres, roof sprung a leak - but again, not scary high. It just feels the £500 here and there soon add up!

I probably am underpaid for what I do. It's an industry that was badly affected by Brexit, and the fees I command have reduced since we left the EU, so in effect I've taken a pay cut. I'm not going to be more specific as it's quite niche and would probably indentify me more than I'd like. Sorry.

OP posts:

NeedToChangeName · 08/10/2023 09:16

You say you live in a wealthy area. Could you reduce costs by buying a similar size house in a cheaper part of town, but still close enough to grandparents? Perhaps rent out your house and move to rental, if you don't want to move permanently

Cornishclio · 08/10/2023 09:20

It will get better but a few adjustments might help in the meantime. Eventually nursery costs will end or you may be able to work longer hours.

In the meantime you need your DH to do more. Just because he works full time he does not get to opt out of family responsibilities for childcare or housework. No doubt he did a crap job with the cat so you wouldn't ask him again. My DH is a pro at that too but luckily he is good at other stuff.

Have you examined your budget with a fine tooth comb to make sure you don't have leeway for any treats? Free days out are fine for pre schoolers. You don't know the circumstances for others who are doing expensive holidays. We have paid for the last two holidays for our DDs and DGC so maybe they have grandparents who help financially too.

I do think a GP visit is worth exploring as you sound very depressed. They might help.

nobodysdaughternow · 08/10/2023 09:23

You can move to a cheaper area (preferably without your husband).

You are living to work, with a man whose answer to your exhaustion is to suggest more house work. What a colossal area home.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 08/10/2023 09:23

Have you thought about using a childminder instead of a nursery and saving money that way?

When me and DH were looking at childcare for our children we couldn’t believe how high nursery costs were compared to childminders.

We have always used childminders and we would pay £4 an hour (for 10 hours care) and that would include them providing breakfast and lunch. They were constantly going on day trips out and we were never charged for them, it was all included in our £40 daily rate.

When the 30 hours free funding came into play our childcare was completely free (as we only needed 30 hours a week) whereas with a nursery they would still have wanted about £350 a month to cover some kind of costs between the morning and afternoon sessions. We only needed term-time care which was apparently an issue with the nursery and that’s also why they still wanted payment from us despite the free funding, whereas term-time space only wasn’t an issue for the childminder and she was happy for us to just use our free 30 hours to cover the full week of childcare we needed.

Its just a suggestion to consider. Most childminders work between 7am-6pm so lots of flexibility.

nobodysdaughternow · 08/10/2023 09:23

Arse hole.

Nicole1111 · 08/10/2023 09:29

In regards to your husband make 3 lists and put them on the fridge with a column for each of you. List 1 - household chores completed out of working hours. List 2 - sleep time each day. List 3 - rest time each day. Fill these out daily and i’m sure it will highlight how much disparity between you.
With regards to your finances it sounds like you’re doing everything right but have you considered a child minder instead of a nursery? They tend to cost less financially.

Tribevibes · 08/10/2023 09:32

Can you not sell and move to another 3 bed in a cheaper area? If it’s a very wealthy area you’ll pay that premium in your mortgage.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2023 09:34

Sorry you are struggling

Maybe dh needs to get an extra job 2/3 evenings a week - obv not the evenings you work

To being in some extra income

Whether pub , restaurant etc - he will prob refuse and that says it all

Can you remortgage while kids are young and extend years so payment is less

Then as they get older overpay

Agree about free toys /items on Facebook - often see stuff and I often gave away things my dd has grown out of

I have a couple of puzzles /games /jigsaws I was going to put on my local site

But if you would like I can send them to you to give towards Xmas present for kids

It's tough while paying for childcare - things will improve in a few years once free hours childcare

BoxOfCats · 08/10/2023 09:34

Leave as many chores for your husband to do that will only impact him. Stop doing his laundry for example. He let the cat things slide because ultimately he knew you would pick up the slack.

Seriously though, that sort of behaviour would have me reading him the riot act. I'm furious on your behalf. How dare he have such little respect for you.

stonkytonk11 · 08/10/2023 09:35

Could you apply for a mortgage 'holiday' for a year or so until your DC gets free nursery hours? Not ideal but would just be a temporary measure until things are a bit easier?

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