To feel like there's nothing that will change the hopelessness?

[HopelesslySad]

I'm really struggling at the moment. I have 2 DC, one in nursery and one in school. I work 2 jobs - one from home during the day 3 days a week, and an extra job 2 nights and Saturday mornings out of the house. Despite that we have not a penny to spare. I'm highly skilled and trained - postgrad professional qualification. DH works full time in a typical 9-5 but does extra hours.

The mortgage has gone up - we can't downsize as we have a small 3 bed, the DC share a room and the box room is DH's office. Nursery fees have gone up. Everything has bloody gone up!

I'm terrified we'll have to pull DC2 from nursery and I'll have to look after her in the day and work my hours at night, it's the only way I think we'll be able to make ends meet. But I'm already exhausted.

We have nothing spare, nothing. I worked out yesterday that the trainers I was wearing are 13 years old. We don't have anything spare for a bottle of wine for the weekend. I've no idea how we'll make Santa happen. It's terrifying and also really rubbish. Weekend activities are the park, conker hunting. We live in a wealthy area and other kids in the DCs class talk of Disneyland and soft play. We used to be able to afford holidays and days out, but now DC know ' we don't have any pennies spare.' Heartbroken.

I'm carrying this burden alone. I lay awake panicking. It's all on me - I do all the household management, all the school runs, childcare. I'm up from 6am every day with them; and I put them to bed. I told DH I was drained by it and felt my mental health was struggling. He suggested I try to do more housework to make myself feel more proud of the house. I'm a staunch feminist but I'm too worn down to argue.

AIBU to think there's nothing I can do? The doctor wouldn't be able to help unless he can give me a new job. I feel such a failure, I've failed my children.

How can you love someone who shows you no respect and treats you with such contempt?

Just no

Moving sounds like a sensible idea - and if I were thinking with my head it would be.

My worry is we'd have to go quite some distance to make it worthwhile - so I'd either have a decent drive to get DC1 to school or they'd need to move. It took a long time to settle and he's a shy child so it would be huge turmoil. We'd also lose some support and contact with grandparents as they don't drive due to health issues. So whilst it's totally logical and I'm not discounting it's very much a last resort.

Likewise, DC2 is settled at nursery so I'll definitely look at childminders but it's a last resort thing.

@Blondeshavemorefun that is an unbelievably kind offer but I will decline if that's ok, I'm sure someone local to you will be grateful though. It does seem that there are a lot of us in this boat. But truly, thank you.

Can you increase your hours of your 3 days a week job? Even if it just breaks even for childcare, would it help towards promotion or anything?

I think the main issue here is your husband unfortunately. You seem very accepting of his refusal to do anything home or childcare related. And not sorting out food for an animal is absolutely disgusting. Living with someone who wasn't acting as though we were in an equal partnership facing everything together would be aould be soul destroying even without the financial pressures

I think the last resort has to happen though. We did it. Moved the kids school (which unsettled my DD for half a term). Was all a bit stressful.

We can now breathe again. Kids are happier as we get to go on holidays and days out. Not hugely expensive ones or anything but quality of life has increased. It was all worth the short term upheaval. We drive to grandparents.

Offer is there if you want them 💕

I wouldn't move house from a nice area close to relatives for what seems to be a short termish cashflow problem until your youngest starts nursery free hours. Moving has huge costs and the housing market is not good at the moment.

Nurseries are very good for social skills so likely to be better long term than being at home with stressed parent trying to work all night.

A mortgage holiday sounds a better solution.

Go to the Money Matters board and stick up your budget - include everything, what you have coming in and what you pay out, including debts and things you spend irregularly like presents, Christmas, tyres for the car etc. You’ll get good advice.

Costs have gone up but it sounds like you’ve been winging it for a long time so if you drill down into the details I’m sure it’s not as insurmountable as it seems - it just might mean some adjustments.

My children are adults now but I just wanted to say that what you do with them like the park and conker collecting is exactly what they love and will remember in years to come

This! I really feel for you because you’re obviously struggling financially and emotionally at the moment. But please don’t feel that you can’t give your kids some fun times. Mine love nothing more than going to the park, they’d spend all day every day there given the chance. And whilst most parents dread winter, kids love mud and puddles. Might be boring as hell for the parents but stick the wellies and waterproofs on and let them have some fun.

The other thing that struck me about what you’ve said is about your relationship with your DH. It sounds like you know it’s not good but don’t think it will improve until you’re out of the difficult stage with the kids/don’t have the same money worries. I’d look at this a different way which is that things will always seem worse if you don’t feel like a true partnership and if you are happier in your relationship the tough times don’t seem so lonely.

This is a DH problem. Is there a household job that he would be more affected by than you? Obviously he doesn’t give a shit about the cat. Whatever you come up with, that’s his job (hoovering/cleaning bathroom/general tidying) plus he does his own washing and ironing.

You are already doing two jobs plus all the wife work. Time for him to step up. Or he can get a second job too.

You are already doing two jobs plus all the wife work. Time for him to step up. Or he can get a second job too

This is my thought too. If he’s not going to chip in with housework then he can at least take a second job and help with financially maintaining the status quo. There’s plenty of work he could do reasonably flexibly around his current work.

I suspect he’s one of these who thinks that childcare and housework isn’t actual ‘work’ - despite the fact that both of these provide actual paid jobs for other people.

Your main problem is your selfish husband, OP. Few people like doing housework, but letting the cat starve and get fleas? That’s another level of irresponsible, especially as if caused you yet more work.

I hope some of the good advice on here helps you, OP. Giving specific tasks, eg laundry, to your husband is a very good idea and I hope it wakes him up a bit.

as it caused you yet more work.

Your husband won't change, mine is exactly the same and we have been together 20 years.
Be aware of that, this is your future.
I haven't left mine, financial matters are the biggest concern (much lower standard of living for the kids and we are not exactly living the dream right now!).
I have completely detached from mine, if I need something I always work out how I will do it alone - it's like being single but with another income. It hurts less in the long run if I rely solely on myself to get things done, I also know if he walked out tomorrow I would be fine (apart from financially and he won't go anyway, his life is far too easy!)
The COL has hit us v. hard, we are selling up and starting again (I say we, guess who's organising everything). I have worked everything out and we are a few hundred pounds a month short every month. It soon spirals and something has to give so we need a much cheaper property to afford to live.
Take a breath, you have options. They might not be what you have chosen if things were different but a lot of people are making difficult choices right now unfortunately.

Op this may not be what you will want to hear/ do but one solution to your issues is to leave your DH and claim universal credit. You will be better off. You can work far less hours (give up the nights) and your income will be topped up. You will not get help with your mortgage but your divorce settlement should take this into account. You may well be entitled to a decent whack of your husbands pension in the future. You may be able to move to interest only mortgage. A big chunk of your youngest child's nursery will be paid. There are all kind of associated financial benefits when you are a single parent and claiming UC

I have been in both situations, and I know this does not sound like a situation to aspire to. But if you are financially struggling this much, then what do you have to lose?

This is what your OH is doing

www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/weaponized-incompetence