To have spent 12 years of child benefit?

[FullMoomin]

Having a panic attack.
I've just calculated that over the past 12 years of spending child benefit every month I've spent over £20,000!!!!!
I should have saved this money for DC!
If I had saved it, I could give it to them.
Turns out all my friends have been quietly saving theirs and now have a nice big monet pot to give their DC when they turn 18!
Now I feel horrifically guilty that my DC wo t get that, when all their friends will.
Oh help, really panicking.
I will never, ever be in the financial situation to pay £16,000 back to them.
The money goes in to my account each month and first it got spent on nappies, food, supplementing my reduced income, then when they went to school it got used for school uniform, new shoes, clubs, food, etc.
Suddenly 12 years has crept up on me and I haven't saved a penny of it.
Only 4 years of CHB to go now and then it stops!! I feel like I've seriously failed my DC.

Child benefit is not like UC in that way. A couple earning £98k between them are entitled to child benefit. It's not a "safety net" benefit.

Ha, didn't realise that. It's unlikely I'll ever be in the bracket to be affected so that passed me by even though I know they were talking about it a while ago.

@00100001 you are clearly from an extremely privileged place for you to actually think and type that benefits are not a way of life. I am very sorry to break it to you but you clearly are misinformed and lacking understanding of people on benefits. Benefits are often a way of life unfortunately for many people.

Would you say that about the State Pension?

My DD is on a low income, but it is cheap to live here in Liverpool. She has a CB paid into a credit union account. She partly uses it towards the family holiday and lends the rest if she needs to. The low interest makes this manageable. You can lend twice your savings. She also pays into the Christmas club. The children have ISAs so money gets put into them. She rents so may one day need it to house them. So there'll be nothing to give directly from the CB. Most of us just do the best we can.

Well your friends are privileged then aren't they

Why on earth would you think the money was meant to be saved for them? I've read some stuff here over the years, but seriously????

If it was meant to be saved and given to them, then they would be given it when they get to age??

We haven't saved any. We both work but have nothing left at the end of the month & it gets used for uniform, school trips, footie boots etc

I think if people can afford to save it all in an ISA they're very lucky.

Just to reply to the posters who've asked why I'm panicking....
It's because my DC are good friends with the DC of these friends.
Or to put it another way, my DC made friends at school and in the area we live in, and I've become friends with their parents.
Also, I remain friends with people I met at university who now have children, similar in age to mine, so my DC are also friends with their DC.
So it's all the about friends who I've asked what they do with their CHB and they've all told me they have saved it since birth, and all seem incredulous that I haven't.
There's no way I could ever have saved my CHB.
People have asked why these parents are giving huge sums of money to 18 year olds.....they're not. Only my colleague said that. And her DC is not going to be spending it carelessly, as has been suggested. He's putting it in to as ISA whilst he works and saves to add to it, with a 5 year plan to then use this as a deposit to buy a flat.
But my own friends have all said they have saved it in their own accounts with the intention to hand over at a later stage in their DC adult lives, when needed. Not when they're 18.
I'm talking 14 friends here. 14 different friends who've all said the same thing.
And they're not lying! They said it an an "Well thats what you do with it, isn't it?" way, looking confused when I said I've always spent mine.
So anyway, getting to the crux of why I'm panicking, it's because my DC, who are friends with all their DC, are going to feel pretty bad, I'm imagining, when all their lifelong mates are handed huge lump sums of money in early adulthood whereas my DC won't be. And based on our financial projections, we're not going to be any more able to give them large amounts of money in the future than we are now. So I'm panicking about feeling like I've failed to financially save to help their futures.
The COL is so high now, property prices extortionate, I look at the future and don't even know how my DC are going to financially manage as young adults.
Maybe my response ties in to lots of other feelings of inadequacy about my ability to provide for my DC. We live in a home that's literally half the size of my DC friends' homes; we drive a 12 year old small car compared to the whopping great big people carriers or SUVs that my DC get to ride in when they get taken out by their friends parents (my friends); I've got a crappie android phone compared to all friends having iphones; DC dont have mobile phones because we can't afford to finance them; we camp in UK every summer compared to all DC friends (my friends) holidaying in their second homes in Europe, America, Switzerland,....I could go on. My DD has a literal boxroom, she's still quite young now but in the future she'll never be able to have teenage friends round to her room, there's no space in there, it has a single bed which touches the little chest of drawers next to it and the drawers touch the wall. It's in no way suitable for an adult room.
People say my DC can live at home as young adults whilst they save up and I'll be able to help them in that way, but my DD does not have a suitable bedroom to be able to stay in as an adult.
We are cramped as it is, beyond belief.
I just feel like such a failure.
I had such high hopes for my future when we had DC. I thought we'd earn more as the years went by but both DH and my salaries have been static for years and in that time the COL has sky rocketed so we've done the maths and worked out that we are actually worse off now than we were 10 years ago. Substantially worse off, not just a bit.
And we're both in professional, well respected occupations.
When we bought this home, we bought it as a starter home, we said it'd be good for starting a family and fine for the early childhood years, with a plan to move on up the chain after about 10 years. This felt reasonable, not unrealistic.
DC are a lot bigger now. We need a bigger bedroom for DD now. We can't even all be in the kitchen at the same time now DC are bigger, there's no room, and they're still only young children!
But there is absolutely no way whatsoever we can afford to take on a bigger mortgage now that interest on mortgages is so high.
I just feel like s**t about it all.
No matter how much people say "Your DC are loved, fed, have a home...." it doesn't make it feel any better.
They notice the comparisons.
It's just a massive financial struggle all of the time, everything's getting more expensive, our wages are staying the same, the DC are getting physically bigger, the house therefore feels like it's getting smaller, our car was fine when they were toddlers but now they get uncomfortable through lack of leg room.....
I don't know, the not having a lump sum of CHB to give them in the future when I've found out all their mates will be getting one and there's no hope of even saving now to make up for it has been the straw that's broken the camel's back I suppose.
I thought we'd be better off 12 years after having DC.
Instead we're poorer and I feel the gap between the haves and have nots is widening.
We're the have nots.
All our friends and DC friends are the haves.
It makes me feel like I've totally failed DC.
And I studied hard all through school, college, university and got a professional career which I've done well in. Same for DH.
But we're struggling so much.
That's why I'm panicking.

I do feel sympathetic. But at the same time, all that I hear you saying is that all your friends are richer than you are. I do think your DC probably know this already, but even if they don't, it's just a fact of life and I'm sure they will cope. There is NOTHING for you to feel guilty and miserable about. Rather you could be Pollyanna and rejoice in the fact that they are leading a good middle class life with access to lots of opportunities. Most DC will not have a pot of money to start adult life with - and apart from the very rich, having a pot of money or not has NO effect on future prospects and earnings. Having a loving family does.

For goodness sake, if anything, it'll be a good lesson to your daughter to realise not everyone can afford the same things!! Your friends shouldn't even be getting CB if they can so nonchalantly say of course they save it, whatelse us it for?!! As said previously, there is NO WAY I could afford to save CB, I heed every penny. Likewise with the (small) rent my son pays me - it drives me up the wall when certain of my friends say they're just saving it all up ready to give back to them when they're older!!! They are already very well-off and their children are unlikely to ever want for anything but what lessons will they learn about life?? It really pisses me off. And, ffs, don't feel guilty!,

£30pw, stop panicking. CB is to support your child, if you can afford to save it, should you be claiming it?
Tax payers filling your saving account doesn't sit well with me.

nothing to do with cb as such then .... an age old story of hanging out with richer people and feeling poor in comparison.

Don't suppose there are any inheritances coming up?

So you’re jealous that other people are more well off than you. That will always be the case as there will always be someone with more money. Learn to be comfortable with what you have or get a job that pays more. But if you did that, you’d likely still long for more. A change of mindset is needed as you aren’t struggling.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s clear that in every other way that your friends have a lot more money than you whether through earnings or inheritance. The same will be for their savings. I don’t see why you would be surprised that there is a difference. I am slightly surprised that they are still entitled to CB though if they are earning that much. Maybe they are also in a lot more debt or maybe they’ve also got previous family money helping them out.

Please try not to panic. Pretend they spent the CB and saved their own money. They just saved £20ish per child per week. Where it came from is irrelevant.
My CB is just put into my current account. I couldn’t tell you what I spend it on. I also save more than the CB every month. Just because I can save doesn’t make me less entitled to receive the money. I don’t earn above the threshold and neither does my husband. We are very very comfortable and technically could easily manage without it. BUT it was universal when we first claimed and I didn’t change the rules !?

Child benefit is a (generally) universal benefit. It doesn't show a lack of moral fibre to claim it, even if you can afford to save the equivalent amount of money per month.

In other countries, parents are given tax breaks etc., so there wouldn't really be the option to say Oh no, not for me thanks.

Don't grudge others for what little they might get.

If your DCs have been provided for and you haven't spent the money on yourself, while telling them they couldn't have things, then you've nothing to feel guilty about.
I have spent it all too. But it's all been spent and then some on DCs! They've wanted for nothing and have done every club and activity going. It's helped towards giving them a great, happy and healthy childhood. It would have been a real struggle to do without that bit of extra help. It was never given to be saved away by well off families. If the majority are saying that they've saved it, then they really are helping the argument that it shouldn't be given in the first place!

Why don't you tell us what you want to hear, OP? Because you apparently aren't listening to any of some 700 spontaneous replies. Just feed us our lines.

Try to be thankful for what you do have. I know it’s not easy when those around you seem to have more. You are very
lucky to have three children. I don’t have the family I always dreamed of having and it was as an incredibly tough journey to have the two I do have.
Your children will make their own way in life with your love, support and guidance. The rest is just stuff!!

OP there will be many many other people in your position and you're basically casting a judgement on them that they aren't good enough with their child benefit.

I think if they could save it, they didn’t need it. Hate that my tax money goes to pass onto another persons kids as a treat, when we struggle each month, but just meet the threshold for not getting it.

Your update just boils down to some people have more money than you, well that’s life. You went to uni and by your own
admission you and your husband both work a professional job, I’m sure there are plenty of people who earn less than you.
It surely can’t possibly come as a surprise to you that some people save money for their children’s future.
You haven’t been able to, it is what it is.
No point dwelling on the past.

Your friends really won’t be in mega careers if they are still receiving CB anyway.

Your friends and their DC's are not typical of most though, are they? Most people don't have second homes abroad. Most people don't have a brand new flashy SUV (a lot of the ones that do are leasing it for hundreds per month - no thanks!). Maybe get some new, poor friends and it'll make yourself feel better?! 😫

There's always the chance she'll marry into money I suppose, if money really is the be all and end all. However, remember that money doesn't (always) equal happiness, you don't really know what goes on behind other people's closed doors. All the money in the world wouldn't have solved mine and my Dad's broken relationship growing up. I was jealous of friends who got along with their Dad's who were funny, relaxed and loving. I wasn't jealous of big houses and flash cars.

I have lots of savings, no mortgage on my home and we own several properties which we rent out. I still receive CB. Perhaps we’re just better with money than you?
What are you spending your money on that you can’t live on £60k a year from one adult and whatever the second adult earns?

Did you ever think that if they can afford to save it, chances are they are probably paying more tax than you and are funding their own CB anyway? Your tax is for the smokes for the unemployed, don't you know.