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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting with what DH said regards cheating

75 replies

jakewtf · 07/10/2023 23:14

So I thought things were quite intense between dh and a colleague and when I questioned him.

He literally replied

"I love you, one, I wouldn't cheat, two, why would I waste my time having to lead a double life and put effort into an affair when I could pay for a 10/10 escort with no strings attached who wouldn't be trying to bother me after"

And he doesn't seem to understand what is wrong with what he's said.

I have literally left to my mums house for the night.

No kids.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Lamelie · 07/10/2023 23:21

It’s a bit blunt has the ring of truth.

DH wouldn’t cheat on me for the same reasons- he loves me but also doesn’t have headspace.
But you know him- is he gaslighting or telling the truth?

riotlady · 07/10/2023 23:21

YABU, what he said was a bit crass but I assume he was just trying to inject a bit of humour after being accused of cheating. I’ve definitely joked with my husband I don’t have time for an affair!

Circumferences · 07/10/2023 23:22

Oh holy jeesus he's obviously been thinking about that then!
Secondly, what a completely insensitive reply to your obvious emotional discomfort regarding his conduct.
No YANBU.

skippy67 · 07/10/2023 23:22

Yes, you're overreacting

Whentheboatcomein · 07/10/2023 23:23

Has he worded it bluntly? Yes.

But I get the point he’s making.

As to wether you are overreacting, personally I wouldn’t have left because of that comment, but your post indicates there’s trust issues anyway? So only you can decide if you trust him or not.

Circumferences · 07/10/2023 23:23

I’ve definitely joked with my husband I don’t have time for an affair!
But he joked about shagging a prostitute....

Birdienumnumm · 07/10/2023 23:23

And he doesn't seem to understand what is wrong with what he's said.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with what he said, either.

Pokinganose · 07/10/2023 23:24

He's just trying to reassure you but in a clumsy way. He's trying to reason as to why he wouldn't bother having an affair and he's already said he wouldn't cheat on you so yes, I think maybe you're overacting as he hasn't replied in the way you had hoped by adding the part about an escortl

Smittenkitchen · 07/10/2023 23:24

I don't think it sounds like he was joking. Just quite matter of fact, which is what is worrying.

mycatsanutter · 07/10/2023 23:24

I wouldn't have a problem with what he said. I can see his point .

riotlady · 07/10/2023 23:26

Circumferences · 07/10/2023 23:23

I’ve definitely joked with my husband I don’t have time for an affair!
But he joked about shagging a prostitute....

Doesn’t mean he’s going to do it!

Aquamarine1029 · 07/10/2023 23:27

You don't trust him. That's the real issue. I suspect you don't trust him for good reason.

Do yourself the biggest favour of your life and end it.

Chypre · 07/10/2023 23:29

He clearly doesn't have the headspace for the affair, but does he have the money for an escort? £50-£100 for 30 minutes and £100-£200 for an hour. I imagine first all share cash would go to fix/upgrade car/angling supplies/skis/golf clubs/whatever the hobbies are, so its quite a long way even if he means it.

Chypre · 07/10/2023 23:29

*spare cash

Ladyj84 · 07/10/2023 23:31

Your way over reacting my hubby has said this a long time ago jokingly jeez he man loves you

Starlightstarbright2 · 07/10/2023 23:33

Seems like you set him up to fail .. no winning answer is there ?

if someone was accusing me of cheating then big no I love you doesn’t work either so you have now upset yourself

alwaysmovingforwards · 07/10/2023 23:33

Drama lama

MistressoftheYoniverse · 07/10/2023 23:36

He's a knob...but a truthful knob...I find men who hire women for sex a different kind of cheat from the men who cheat with friends and colleagues...its ok to have suspicious thoughts when people act weird...but he sounds like a truthful knob----

NoNoHellaNoNoHellaNoNo · 08/10/2023 00:06

Sorry but I think you’ve overreacted.

Its a blunt, clumsy answer, but probably accurate.

I don’t personally think that the answer (in and of itself) means that he’s either seen a sexual worker or is planning to do so.

thecatinthetwat · 08/10/2023 00:09

I think what he said was grim and insensitive.

WrongSwanson · 08/10/2023 00:12

Nah it's a vile response. I don't think yabu.

Nogooddeed7 · 08/10/2023 00:13

Bit grim

theduchessofspork · 08/10/2023 00:14

On the face of it yes, you are overreacting - he’s making the point he doesn’t have the headspace for an affair even if he wanted sex with someone else.

But if there are trust issues (eg the intensity of relationship with the colleague) that might be different.

SandyY2K · 08/10/2023 00:15

I get why you're not thrilled with his response, but he's trying to let you know he wouldn't have an affair with the woman you're concerned about or anyone else.

He has to know his response was crap.

KrisAkabusi · 08/10/2023 00:18

Yes you're overreacting.