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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting with what DH said regards cheating

75 replies

jakewtf · 07/10/2023 23:14

So I thought things were quite intense between dh and a colleague and when I questioned him.

He literally replied

"I love you, one, I wouldn't cheat, two, why would I waste my time having to lead a double life and put effort into an affair when I could pay for a 10/10 escort with no strings attached who wouldn't be trying to bother me after"

And he doesn't seem to understand what is wrong with what he's said.

I have literally left to my mums house for the night.

No kids.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Newnamehiwhodis · 08/10/2023 05:38

Not overreacting. You know him- no one here on this board, chiming in to belittle your feelings, knows him Ffs.

I hate men who rate women on a numerical scale and
to say he would be unfaithful is to say he would be unfaithful, prostitution or not. He did not actually say he wouldn’t cheat on you because he loves and values you, did he?

you know him best.
I would have reacted the same way you did, because my ex was a complete asshole who didn’t treat me well, and I did not feel safe or good in that relationship.

it’s interesting how most of the people so quick to defend him on this board are simply assuming he’s reasonable , kind, decent.

Why would a decent man even fucking say that in the first place? It is a statement that treats women as disposable and himself as the most important person in the world, around whom all things revolve.

nah. YANBU. there’s a lack of integrity in this response, and ZERO effort to reassure his partner and make you safe. And if your instincts are firing up about this colleague, listen to yourself.

Nogooddeed7 · 08/10/2023 12:58

How are you today @jakewtf

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 10:38

Newnamehiwhodis · 08/10/2023 05:38

Not overreacting. You know him- no one here on this board, chiming in to belittle your feelings, knows him Ffs.

I hate men who rate women on a numerical scale and
to say he would be unfaithful is to say he would be unfaithful, prostitution or not. He did not actually say he wouldn’t cheat on you because he loves and values you, did he?

you know him best.
I would have reacted the same way you did, because my ex was a complete asshole who didn’t treat me well, and I did not feel safe or good in that relationship.

it’s interesting how most of the people so quick to defend him on this board are simply assuming he’s reasonable , kind, decent.

nah. YANBU. there’s a lack of integrity in this response, and ZERO effort to reassure his partner and make you safe. And if your instincts are firing up about this colleague, listen to yourself.

This

TomatoAndEggs · 10/10/2023 10:44

Birdienumnumm · 07/10/2023 23:23

And he doesn't seem to understand what is wrong with what he's said.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with what he said, either.

I think it depends on the person. There are more than a few people who don't consider having sex with a prostitute cheating.

truthhurts23 · 10/10/2023 10:44

Well if he wasn’t before he will now ..

Purplefriends · 10/10/2023 10:51

Has it upset you because you wanted reassurance that he would never cheat, due to his devotion to you, but instead his reply (or at least the second bit of it) has told you that he has a preferred option for cheating?

I think I can see why it bothered you. Its still left you with that image of him being open to being with someone else.

Or do you have strong objections to men using prostitutes? I do, so I wouldn't really like the reference to that.

Or is it the 10/10 comment? So you've seen that as ' if I were going to cheat, I would want someone way hotter than you?'

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 10:55

@TomatoAndEggs How can it not be cheating!? Men sticking their dick in other women, who are also probably young and "perfect". It's even worse in a way

JamSandle · 10/10/2023 10:57

Trust your gut. Not any words.

Colourfulponderings · 10/10/2023 10:58

Yeah I think you’re overreacting too.

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/10/2023 10:59

That's a huge over-reaction on your part. But if you want to have a long term future, the pair of you need to work on your communication, and that doesn't just mean avoiding inappropriate crass jokes, it also means not flouncing off. And you need to work out why you don't trust him - is it you or is it him? No relationship will survive if one person is permanently treating the other with suspicion.

TomatoAndEggs · 10/10/2023 11:13

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 10:55

@TomatoAndEggs How can it not be cheating!? Men sticking their dick in other women, who are also probably young and "perfect". It's even worse in a way

The theory from them is that it's not cheating because there is no chance of it "ruining the family" as long as the spouse (usually referring to the wife) can separate sex from the relationship. Usually accompanies a lot of (imo) bullshit such as how sometimes men need variety in women or how certain kinks aren't things the wife can fulfil so it's better if the husband sees a "professional" while maintaining "loyalty" to the relationship as opposed to him having an affair where things can get messy.

Abitslow · 10/10/2023 11:17

Your making a mounting out of a molehill.
He was blunt i hear what hes saying.
Maybe he dont like to sugar coat and sweet talk around things just get to the point say it how it is.
Running to your mums house cause he said it bluntly is an over-reaction imo.

Just saying some want the truth get the truth dont like the truth because it was blunt and not sweet talked.

I always go with my gut but i have learned from past experience that sometimes the accuser is the cheater. ( Im not saying you are just a point )

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/10/2023 11:19

Circumferences · 07/10/2023 23:22

Oh holy jeesus he's obviously been thinking about that then!
Secondly, what a completely insensitive reply to your obvious emotional discomfort regarding his conduct.
No YANBU.

I have often "played through" various scenarios (mentally) that I have no desire to ever take part in / be a part of IRL. I thought that was normal tbh.

The answer was a bit blunt. But I would strongly prefer that to the perfectly charming answers many cheaters seem to come up with.

I would however wonder about the intense relationship with his colleague / what made OP´s spidey senses tingle.

gotomomo · 10/10/2023 11:38

I get completely what he is saying, he's annoyed that you question led his loyalty, pointing out that if he wanted to cheat there is far easier ways is pretty much what i would reply too! Doesn't mean he ever would, just stop being paranoid

MrsRachelDanvers · 10/10/2023 11:41

I don’t really seem to understand what’s wrong either? He is saying he doesn’t want an affair partly because of all the energy spent maintaining it when he could go out and pay someone with no strings attached. He’s not saying he would go out and pay someone. It looked like he was trying to inject a bit of humour. When you say you’ve gone to your mum’s-did you flounce off in a huff?

bonzaitree · 10/10/2023 11:42

Depends on your usual communication style OP. My OH and I are both very blunt (northern) and I’d say “I couldn’t be arsed to have an affair. Too much effort” if we were watching something on the telly for example.

If you’re very polite/ nicey nicey with each other ordinarily then yeah it’s gna seem like a shock.

Purplefriends · 10/10/2023 11:43

Just saying some want the truth get the truth dont like the truth because it was blunt and not sweet talked

You seem to think this is a defence for the H, but what you are actually saying is he thinks it is ok to pay to access women's bodies.

That would be a deal killer for me. Whether he actually did it or not.

SoundTheSirens · 10/10/2023 11:50

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2023 00:28

YANBU.

He’s thought about it.

The repulsive ‘grading’ of a woman out of ten.

The fact that he would rather use a prostituted woman than have a consensual affair.

He’s shown his true colours.

Yep, it says a lot about how he sees women. The fact paying for sex is higher on his “hypothetical ways to have extra-marital sex” list than an affair shows he’s comfortable with the concept of some women’s bodies being available for men to rent.

Softnatural · 10/10/2023 11:54

Hmm. I don't think there's anything that awful about what he said, but having his excuses all lined up at a time when his other behaviour is causing you concern, does raise an eyebrow.

Softnatural · 10/10/2023 12:04

Is using an escort easier than having a fling with a colleague? I wouldn't know where to start engaging their services 😆

Jk987 · 10/10/2023 12:05

He's deflecting with humour but it's backfired.

Boredatwork1234 · 10/10/2023 12:20

You are over reacting, what he said was factual which is very common for men. He didn’t say he did any of that. The issue here is you don’t trust him.

Disturbia81 · 10/10/2023 14:51

@TomatoAndEggs 🤢

whatyear · 24/04/2024 13:36

What a grim thing to say to your partner who is already feeling insecure about the possibility of cheating

Technonan · 24/04/2024 14:15

I think you're being precious and definitely overreacting. His response sounds like an exasperated one - have you suspected him before? It's blunt, it's honest and no, it doesn't mean he's going to go and shag a prostitute.

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