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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting with what DH said regards cheating

75 replies

jakewtf · 07/10/2023 23:14

So I thought things were quite intense between dh and a colleague and when I questioned him.

He literally replied

"I love you, one, I wouldn't cheat, two, why would I waste my time having to lead a double life and put effort into an affair when I could pay for a 10/10 escort with no strings attached who wouldn't be trying to bother me after"

And he doesn't seem to understand what is wrong with what he's said.

I have literally left to my mums house for the night.

No kids.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Champsandbubbles · 08/10/2023 00:20

Yes over reacting

Nogooddeed7 · 08/10/2023 00:20

Intense with him and colleague in what way?

WhateverMate · 08/10/2023 00:21

It sounds crass but he's being completely logic.

Some people are just that way 🤷‍♂️

Plus he's got a point, if he was the type to cheat on you then why would he make it 'messy' when he could make it transactional?

I think this is well intended miscommunication by the sound of it.

WhateverMate · 08/10/2023 00:23

Circumferences · 07/10/2023 23:22

Oh holy jeesus he's obviously been thinking about that then!
Secondly, what a completely insensitive reply to your obvious emotional discomfort regarding his conduct.
No YANBU.

Oh holy jeesus he's obviously been thinking about that then!

What makes you assume that, rather than clumsily thinking on his feet?

It sounds more like a knee jerk answer rather then a premeditated one.

PurpleSneakers · 08/10/2023 00:25

YANBU

He should have just shut up after saying

‘I love you, one, I wouldn't cheat’.

Hurtful

Divebar2021 · 08/10/2023 00:26

What form did the questioning take? If I was being grilled I might be a bit sarcastic / flippant too. It WOULD be more logical to use a prostitute for no strings sex so he’s not wrong . He isn’t saying he would do that though.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2023 00:28

YANBU.

He’s thought about it.

The repulsive ‘grading’ of a woman out of ten.

The fact that he would rather use a prostituted woman than have a consensual affair.

He’s shown his true colours.

VeridicalVagabond · 08/10/2023 00:29

It's... blunt. And probably a bit thick and insensitive to say it out loud. I get the point he was trying to make, but not a very wise man is he?

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2023 00:29

And what is happening to make you question his relationship with this colleague?

cakewench · 08/10/2023 00:30

He’s deflecting from whatever concern you had regarding the colleague. It’s worked, because you’re now focused on this hypothetical escort and not whatever you were confronting him about.

Nogooddeed7 · 08/10/2023 00:31

I think the majority are saying YABU because you haven’t given enough context…

Chickychoccyegg · 08/10/2023 00:31

What has his behaviour been like regarding the wok college, that inspired this conversation?
Sounds to me like he was deflecting, and from his response, quite honestly, I'd be more suspicious, rather than convinced I was paranoid.

Universalsnail · 08/10/2023 00:32

The sentence about the escort would be the end of our relationship tbh, I'd never be able to get over that level of ick.

Lavender14 · 08/10/2023 00:34

If you trust him, then I think yabu. It's a definite ick statement to make and I'd have serious ick with any man who'd pay someone for sex. But I see the point he was trying to make, he's made it clumsily and I'd have clearly explained to him why it was such a gross comment to make.

But if you don't trust him, and you feel something is going on and he's trying to gaslight you then that's a reasonable response. I think this is one where you listen to your gut because you know the context best.

TedMullins · 08/10/2023 00:34

He sounds exasperated at being accused of cheating with his colleague so I see his point. I don’t think it’s bad, but I’m generally a blunt person so this is also the kind of thing I’d say! Difficult to say how unreasonable you were to quiz him in the first place without knowing what’s going on with the colleague.

GilChesterton13 · 08/10/2023 00:37

If you've left for your mum's over that then you are being utterly hysterical.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 08/10/2023 00:47

So what he is saying is he can pay to shag a prostitute with no hassle, rather than put the effort into a full blown affair with a woman who is worth more than a prostitute, because they don't count as much as a 'proper' woman.

I don't think you're overreacting. It would turn my stomach and make me realise how he actually views women overall.

zeibesaffron · 08/10/2023 00:48

Over reaction - unless you don’t trust him because of previous actions/ issues?

Disturbia81 · 08/10/2023 01:51

SweetFemaleAttitude · 08/10/2023 00:47

So what he is saying is he can pay to shag a prostitute with no hassle, rather than put the effort into a full blown affair with a woman who is worth more than a prostitute, because they don't count as much as a 'proper' woman.

I don't think you're overreacting. It would turn my stomach and make me realise how he actually views women overall.

This. Even joking about using a prostitute is grim. And I am a very chilled person with a good sense of humour. Surprised at these replies..

oksothisisusnow · 08/10/2023 02:52

Hmm, I think I would be concerned that his logic is pretty much, I wouldn't have the head space to concern myself with another person's feelings that I'd sleep with someone who couldn't give proper, unforced consent to ensure that my life wasn't further complicated.

I'd be concerned at the monster I potentially married.

But, I will say that having been a victim of sexual assault makes me have a strong belief that consent really needs to have no strings attached, and purchased consent isn't that far from rape, so I wouldn't be happy with the idea that my husband, would view purchased consent as an option at all.

MsDogLady · 08/10/2023 04:33

@jakewtf, could you please elaborate about the intensity you’ve noticed between your H and his colleague? Did you speak to him about specific behaviors and incidents, and did he address those … or did he just jump straight into his spiel?

He was clearly referring to physical cheating with his crass quip about paying an escort, but it sounds like emotional infidelity is a concern for you.
Were over-frequent contact and inappropriate emotional closeness/reliance discussed? How about keeping strong boundaries when feeling flattered by attention or being needed?

I would suspect that his declaration was actually a deflection if he didn’t listen to, address, and take seriously your valid observations and discomfort. Did he offer to put some distance between himself and his colleague?

Personally, this guy who invests elsewhere for validation, objectifies and rates women, and refers to buying bodies for his gratification would not be for me.

Hygeelady · 08/10/2023 05:14

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2023 00:28

YANBU.

He’s thought about it.

The repulsive ‘grading’ of a woman out of ten.

The fact that he would rather use a prostituted woman than have a consensual affair.

He’s shown his true colours.

I'm with you on this. And what's the 10 out of 10 for? How they look? What sexual acts they would do? Its disgusting, I'd br upset by this...

HettyWainty · 08/10/2023 05:22

Overreacting.

WandaWonder · 08/10/2023 05:25

I would reply something like that is gross and move on, sure split up over it if you want,or spend the next few weeks contemplating it and coming up with 100 different things in your head

Would it really make you feel better? If yes then leave

LittleGlowingOblong · 08/10/2023 05:27

Depends entirely on how he said it;
in the context of the conversation;
and of who he is as a person.

But if 3) is true, then why wouldn’t 1) and 2) be true too, and they got top billing?

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