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Original poster

Would you force your child into pity friendship?

52 replies

QuidFacere · 07/10/2023 22:36

My daughter's classmate (Y8 girls' school) is struggling with friendships and is keen to be friends with my DD. DD is amicable with the girl - as she is with other kids - but has no interest in being friends or meeting outside of school. She finds the girl clingy and manipulative.

Sadly, the girl has been unwell and missed a term last year which made it even harder for her to maintain friendships. Her mother is understandably trying to create opportunities for social interactions for her daughter and keeps inviting my DD for a play date, in a passive-aggressive way. DD asks me to decline, but at some point we relented and had DD go to a play date and then invited the girl over. DD did not enjoy either occasion.

I think it is important for DD - and, indeed, anyone - to make own choices about relationships she wants to maintain and those she wants to avoid. A few years ago she had an experience of a toxic friendship with a similar dynamic, and relief came only when classes were mixed up snd they were in different ones. Neither of us wants a repeat of that. I also think that it is kinder towards the girl not to nourish a fake relationship and then sever it after the girl's emotional investment is much bigger.

On the other hand, I realise how awful it is for a teenager to be isolated and lonely while dealing with a health issue. To be clear, she does not have a life-threatening disease - she has migraines - but obviously it affects her quality of life and mental health.

Would you force your child into pity play dates or keep saying no?

OP posts:
HelpaFriend85 · 07/10/2023 22:38

Absolutely not, respect your daughter’s boundaries!

JustAMinutePleass · 07/10/2023 22:39

That girl’s mum is looking after her daughter, you focus on your own. I don’t think you should he forcing her to go on these playdates. If the mum asks again - be honest. Tell her, her dd’s being clingy and manipulative and you don’t want them to see each other any more.

GrannypantsMagee · 07/10/2023 22:40

No. And the way you have phrased the question makes it clear - no! They're in year 8, they do not need organised playdates anyway, and your daughter has said a clear no.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2023 22:42

You shouldn’t have made her go in the first place never mind had her back. You’re talking about boundaries but haven’t been putting in into action.

RandyAndTheRainbows · 07/10/2023 22:44

No, please don't force this. Imagine how hurt this girl would be if she realised your DD was only hanging round with her out of pity?

Zola1 · 07/10/2023 22:46

No and my daughter (y9) would have been v unimpressed if I organised her a play date last year.

Original poster
QuidFacere · 07/10/2023 22:46

Thank you, what a relief to see this unanimous response!

The girl is actually playing the pity/guilt card herself...

OP posts:
RunnyPaint · 07/10/2023 22:47

There have been a few threads on a similar theme recently. I answered on a previous one about how bad I felt about pushing my DD (then Y7/Y8) into maintaining a friendship that had really run its course. Although it is awful for the other girl, we have to support our DDs in their decisions and help them to deal with these situations as gently as possible. They cannot be held responsible for other people's happiness.

Fantina · 07/10/2023 22:49

I’ve had similar situations with my DD who is friendly to everyone but it’s mostly been the children of my friends that DD has grown apart from over the years. It become
awkward as we used to socialise together as families until the DC drifted but now we as adults meet for drinks instead.

I respected that DD didn’t want to spend her precious free time with the other girl anymore and let the friendship change.

Mischance · 07/10/2023 22:50

Oh it is so hard. Been there done that. One the one hand you want your children to grow up kind and understanding of others; but also you do not want them to feel cornered into doing things that they do not feel comfortable with.

My DD when small went on a sleep over because she felt sorry for one child - it was not a success!

But one can sympathise with a parent wanting to help a child who is struggling with friendships.

Fantina · 07/10/2023 22:51

Also, I do think and hope there’s friends out there for everyone. The girl I mentioned in my post now has a group of friends at secondary school who share her interests and hopefully is happier as a result than pursuing a friendship with my DD who had moved on.

It’s probably better for her to seek her own opportunities to make friends.

Starlightstarbright2 · 07/10/2023 22:55

At year 8 . My Ds sorted his own meet ups unless it was taking somewhere specific that needed numbers/ payments.

JaniceBattersby · 07/10/2023 22:57

A playdate in year 8?! Absolutely not. My Y8 organises his own meet-ups on Snapchat or whatever. I don’t even know the name of some of his mates. He would absolutely refuse to get involved in some manufactured ‘friendship’ that I created for him.

NuffSaidSam · 07/10/2023 23:06

It wouldn't hurt for this girl to occasionally be included in group activities, for example, inviting her to join at lunchtime if she's sitting on her own, but I don't think DD should be forced/manipulated into spending time with her outside of school.

I would have a look at the way you're describing this girl and her motivations though. You've described her as manipulative and 'playing the guilt card'. I'd say there's every possibility that she's just a child really, really struggling and being open about that, it's not manipulative/playing a card. It sounds like her life is pretty awful. I'd think you as an adult might be able to be a little more empathetic in your discussions about her.

Original poster
QuidFacere · 07/10/2023 23:21

Thank you. With her real friends DD fully "owns" her friendships and organises stuff herself. This case is different - and that's why it's so tricky.

NuffSaid - totally agree that the girl's life is miserable now, that's why I am so torn about the situation. DD is amicable to the girl at school - group lunches etc.

DD shared her concerns about the girl's clinginess and guilt trips a year ago, when senior school just started and kids were making first acquaintances, long before the girl developed her condition

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 07/10/2023 23:42

I don't think it's fair to force your daughter into a friendship she doesn't want, no. But I also feel very sorry for the other girl. If this were your daughter, what would you do, and what would you want others to do? I think you can teach your daughter to choose her own friendships while still also encouraging her to be inclusive.

RandyAndTheRainbows · 07/10/2023 23:49

How about maybe DD letting this girl tag on to her friendship group and include her in some activities ? That way your DD isn't pressured to be her best buddy. The kind of two or even 3 or 4 kids being bosom buddies isn't something that can be forced that kind of thing happens naturally. Though it sounds as though your DD is probably already being inclusive and kind. And I would teach DD not tolerate emotional blackmail or manipulatio n from anybody.

Severalhourslater · 07/10/2023 23:59

As the mum of a child who has gone through primary school without friends, I am staring down the barrel of spending the teenage years comforting my lonely child and assuring them that they will find their people. Of course you can't force your daughter into friendships, but please teach her that all the things she is enjoying, socialising, cinema with friends, sleepovers, are far out of reach for some children and to be kind and inclusive where possible. Little kindnesses really matter to lonely children.

Yazo · 08/10/2023 00:08

I wouldn't force but I'd expect my children to be kind. I think even that you've described it as a 'pity friendship' says that the girl that's being 'pitied' deserves more and a proper friend. Your daughter isn't going to be it so I'd move on.

RandyAndTheRainbows · 08/10/2023 00:09

I do agree with this about kindness and including children in a friendship group but young and force a best friends forever type friendships, you either have a best friend or you don't . I did have few friends and was excluded a lot and made fun of but I had one BFF. My sister wasn't popular either but had some casual friendships where she hung out on the edges of groups. I was lucky to have a BFF but not all kids did. Most kids had friendship groups not all of them had one BFF.

I am sorry to read about your child that is sad, but then again I doubt your child is manipulative (a bully in other words) like the lonely girl mentioned by the OP. There may be a reason this girl doesn't have any actual friends.

RandyAndTheRainbows · 08/10/2023 00:09

Apologies for my dreadful typing

thecatinthetwat · 08/10/2023 00:15

Op, you’ve already tried and it didn’t work out. Don’t push it.

theduchessofspork · 08/10/2023 00:16

No you have to respect her boundaries. Also she thinks the girl is manipulative.

Emphasis the need to be kind at school, but otherwise leave it

WhateverMate · 08/10/2023 00:17

Of course not.

Year 8 means she's what....12 or 13 years old?

I don't think I've ever heard of kids that age doing play dates anyway, but she's old enough to choose her own friends.

theysaiditgetseasier · 08/10/2023 00:37

It's a hard one but I'm the mum with a year 7 daughter who's only friend at primary went to another secondary so she has no one. I'd encourage your child to be nice and try and include at school if they want, but I don't "seek out" friendships for her, even though I wish I could, the term pity friendships for such young girls makes me sad.

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