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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you force your child into pity friendship?

52 replies

QuidFacere · 07/10/2023 22:36

My daughter's classmate (Y8 girls' school) is struggling with friendships and is keen to be friends with my DD. DD is amicable with the girl - as she is with other kids - but has no interest in being friends or meeting outside of school. She finds the girl clingy and manipulative.

Sadly, the girl has been unwell and missed a term last year which made it even harder for her to maintain friendships. Her mother is understandably trying to create opportunities for social interactions for her daughter and keeps inviting my DD for a play date, in a passive-aggressive way. DD asks me to decline, but at some point we relented and had DD go to a play date and then invited the girl over. DD did not enjoy either occasion.

I think it is important for DD - and, indeed, anyone - to make own choices about relationships she wants to maintain and those she wants to avoid. A few years ago she had an experience of a toxic friendship with a similar dynamic, and relief came only when classes were mixed up snd they were in different ones. Neither of us wants a repeat of that. I also think that it is kinder towards the girl not to nourish a fake relationship and then sever it after the girl's emotional investment is much bigger.

On the other hand, I realise how awful it is for a teenager to be isolated and lonely while dealing with a health issue. To be clear, she does not have a life-threatening disease - she has migraines - but obviously it affects her quality of life and mental health.

Would you force your child into pity play dates or keep saying no?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 08/10/2023 00:40

Yikes yr8 no parent should be involved in friendships beyond the odd lift or pickup

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2023 00:41

The mum of the other girl needs to seek social opportunities outside the school in youth groups etc

theysaiditgetseasier · 08/10/2023 00:42

@Severalhourslater same boat here and it's very upsetting, I really do hope your child can find someone to hang out with and feel valued. My daughter says she feels invisible and really struggling emotionally at secondary. I'm considering pen pals.. could this be an option to explore with yours? My daughter is autistic but in mainstream and high functioning so emotional & communication can be terrifying for her.

Dumbles · 08/10/2023 00:44

Forcing them to hang out outside school etc is too far, especially in year 8.

I think generally though it’s not a bad life lesson in kindness to acknowledge the other girl is struggling and encourage your DD to be kind to her. Just taking the time to chat to her at school etc. I think some kids that age get a bit wrapped up in their own friendships and lives and don’t realise that other kids might be struggling.

Yazo · 08/10/2023 00:48

@theysaiditgetseasier I hope she finds her tribe. Online or penfriends is definitely helpful, from my experience as a lonely teen anyway and when I could meet a wider group of people as I got older, that made the world of difference and she can make up for lost time x

RandyAndTheRainbows · 08/10/2023 00:52

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2023 00:41

The mum of the other girl needs to seek social opportunities outside the school in youth groups etc

Yes, if possible. Would also help if she taught her child about respecting others boundaries and assertive communication (not being manipulative to get needs met) and possibly an honest look as to whether it's her behaviour that is putting people off her? She may need help with her confidence or self worth. However that's not down to OP.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 08/10/2023 00:53

No, never. My dd's friendships are her own. She has a friend whose mum I am very close to and for a while their friendship was difficult. I was very clear with my DD that it was OK to say no, and in particular that my friendship with other girl's mum would be fine whether they stayed friends or not. If it hadn't been, I would have accepted losing that friendship rather than push my kid to be close to someone she didn't want to be friends with.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 08/10/2023 00:59

It is my dd's bday soon and she is having a party. Numbers are limited and she has already told me in no uncertain terms she doesn't want my best friend's daughter going. I feel a bit awks but it is her party so needs to be her choice.
OP let your child do what she wants so long as she isn't unkind about it.

theysaiditgetseasier · 08/10/2023 00:59

Thank you @Yazo I really do hope so x

Saracen · 08/10/2023 01:01

You can't force a friendship, but your daughter can certainly try to include the girl sometimes in group conversations, and be sure to chat a bit with her from time to time. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

RandyAndTheRainbows · 08/10/2023 01:09

Just thinking a bit more about this and musing aloud, it may of course be that this girl is manipulative because she has struggled with making friends in the past, it could be that way round. I say this because I feel maybe some of my previous posts were a bit harsh on her. Sometimes children are unpopular for no good reason at all.

I think friendships can be very fluid at that age too, an unpopular child may suffer for a bit and that's awful but it doesn't mean they will always be unpopular. That phase doesn't always last.

Fionaville · 08/10/2023 01:13

No. Its not fair on DD

wanttokickoffbutcant · 08/10/2023 01:14

YR 8? Crikey! I have a Y9 DD and if I suggested a playdate she would piss herself laughing! I have no involvement in her friendships other than a shoulder to cry on when they go wrong....

Meandermoanda · 08/10/2023 01:21

Don't do it. My y6 daughter hung out with a girl to be kind and it turned into a very possessive clingy situation that I regret not spotting sooner. She lost all her other friends and all her confidence. The girl still won't get the message

Stompythedinosaur · 08/10/2023 01:23

No, I wouldn't force a "pity friendship", but I can (and do) talk about social collateral, and how, if they are in a strong social position, they can afford to expend some of this to welcome someone in a less strong social position.

I wouldn't force a friendship, but I would encourage generosity in her social interactions in school.

FrenchFancie · 08/10/2023 09:41

As another mother of a girl who struggles with friendships, this is so so hard.

my daughter is a bit younger Y6 but it’s her birthday next week and despite sending out invites (we’re not doing a party, it’s an activity type thing) no one has replied to say they are coming. I’m heartbroken for my daughter and have no clue how to deal with this.

no you shouldn’t force your child into a friendship, but understand that some people really do struggle with friendships and it’s very very hard on them. Sometimes when another child is kind to DD she’s so relieved at having someone be nice to her she can get a bit ‘full on’. It’s so hard to be lonely all the time/

Clemally · 08/10/2023 09:43

You wouldn’t make her “pity date” a boy that was controlling and manipulative, so I wouldn’t make her be friends with this girl either.

NotTerfNorCis · 08/10/2023 09:49

Year 8 is too old for organised friendships. Sadly this girl is going to have to find her own way. She has to learn social skills for herself.

TheaBrandt · 08/10/2023 09:51

It breaks my heart to hear about lonely children. However you simply can’t force your own to swoop to the rescue. Do you go for coffee with women your own age you don’t get on with to be kind to them? I know I don’t.

Dd2 is super popular and my friends Dd was struggling so I did ask her Dd did include her at school - I felt I pushed it as far as I could reasonably do so. Parents have little sway over friendships from age 6 onwards really.

N4ish · 08/10/2023 09:59

I wonder if boys are encouraged to ‘be kind’ and spend time with people they don’t want to? Very, very important to allow girls to have boundaries around their own preferences. Will stand them in good stead for romantic relationships later.

Fireisland · 08/10/2023 10:11

Coming at this from the other angle.

DD is the same age and has struggled with friendships since starting secondary. She has ASD and hasn't found her tribe yet. She has made a friend in another class now thankfully and is getting to know some girls from the year above at a lunchtime club, so all is good atm.

I would hate for a parent to be taking pity on her and forcing their DD into a friendship they don't want. I think DD is amazing but if the other girls in her class don't gel with her, that's their prerogative. I want DD's friendships to develop organically and be genuine.

So although I would say to your DD to be friendly and kind at school (which it sounds like she's doing anyway) I would absolutely say no to the playdates if she's not keen. It's not fair on either your DD or the other girl in the long run.

NeedToChangeName · 08/10/2023 10:22

FrenchFancie · 08/10/2023 09:41

As another mother of a girl who struggles with friendships, this is so so hard.

my daughter is a bit younger Y6 but it’s her birthday next week and despite sending out invites (we’re not doing a party, it’s an activity type thing) no one has replied to say they are coming. I’m heartbroken for my daughter and have no clue how to deal with this.

no you shouldn’t force your child into a friendship, but understand that some people really do struggle with friendships and it’s very very hard on them. Sometimes when another child is kind to DD she’s so relieved at having someone be nice to her she can get a bit ‘full on’. It’s so hard to be lonely all the time/

@FrenchFancie I hope some people reply soon

Some of the posts on here seem quite unsympathetic to a child struggling with friendships

Which is interesting, because when people post that they are struggling at school gate, replies are often that school mums are unkind, unfriendly and cliquey

FOJN · 08/10/2023 10:28

No, absolutely not.

Please don't teach your daughter that people pleasing is desirable or that she is in anyway responsible for improving the mental well-being of another person at her own expense.

She has expressed a preference, respect her boundaries and encourage her to maintain them.

Goldbar · 08/10/2023 10:36

No, I think 12/13 is too old to be forcing friendships in this way. I would encourage your DD to include this girl at school as much as she feels able to... invite her to sit with them at lunch, partner her in class activities sometimes if she can. But I don't think it's fair to force your DD to include her outside school.

The mum needs to be seeking out other opportunities for social interaction for her DD, including out-of-school activities and encouraging her to get involved in school clubs.

2weekstowait · 08/10/2023 10:48

No, I definitely wouldn't. You can encourage your daughter to be empathetic (sounds like she is) but you can't force her to be friends with someone if she doesn't want to. Even if she did, it's likely that the other girl would know something isn't right (they don't click, or whatever) or that she would find out somehow and feel even worse, if your daughter told her other friends (she probably would). They should obviously be nice to her and include her in the right setting, but you can't expect more.

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