Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I keep my friend if I hate her kids?

61 replies

LiveDieRepeat · 07/10/2023 21:59

Met a new friend at a hobby/activity a few months ago. We get on really well and have similar interests, humour and are both single and at a similar stage in our lives. We have kids and they’re similar ages so we get each others family commitment level. I’ve met up with her today and we both brought our kids. It’s the second time we’ve met and I absolutely hate her children. They’re precocious and demanding and rude. They constantly interrupted us talking to demand things, they’re definitely old enough to know better. Her children kept taking things from mine- I brought activities for them to do at lunchtime and hers kept taking the pens mine were using literally out their hands. At one point her child disagreed with me and told me I was wrong (I wasn’t), but then kept saying that I should shut up because I was wrong about everything. It was so annoying!
she has already texted this evening saying how lovely today was and how her children can’t wait to meet up again, but I’m dreading the idea. I just can’t stand them, and my children feel similarly if I’m honest. But I have no idea how to get out of seeing her children but still maintain the friendship? I wouldn’t be friends with someone who didn’t like my kids, so it seems duplicitous to put her in that situation, even if she doesn’t know why.
do I need to give her up as a friend? As I’ve said, we are both single so meeting up without the children is really hard to manage

OP posts:
Paynefully · 07/10/2023 22:03

How old are the kids?

It doesn’t actually matter. YABU to ‘hate’ any children.
Yeah ok some children are harder to be around than others.. but how can you actually ‘hate’ someone else’s children?

if you can’t tolerate them, cut the friendship off. Your attitude towards them will become obvious and you will either make them self conscious or you’re heading for confrontation from the mother.

Froggiebobbie · 07/10/2023 22:03

Maybe meet up with her for a coffee, and you could have a chat about how you and your kids felt about her children’s behaviour and discuss how you could make it work if there is a next time.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 07/10/2023 22:04

Be busy or meet during school days if you can. You cannot tell her how you feel about her children, of course she’s going to defend them, as she should. Kids grow up quickly and then it won’t matter because they’ll be busy.

Lamelie · 07/10/2023 22:04

No don’t subject your children to hers again. Meet her without them of an evening. I have a couple of dear friends who I’d meet without their dc, now they’re all grown up the children are lovely and everyone gets on independently- I’m glad I maintained the relationships.

Lamelie · 07/10/2023 22:05

Froggiebobbie · 07/10/2023 22:03

Maybe meet up with her for a coffee, and you could have a chat about how you and your kids felt about her children’s behaviour and discuss how you could make it work if there is a next time.

Never in all human existence has that worked.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 07/10/2023 22:05

Avoid as much as poss. Cinema …. can’t talk, trampling…. they’ll be elsewhere

Frozenone · 07/10/2023 22:10

Either meet her for coffee when the kids are at school or with their DF or let the friendship fade away. Be busy.

I met a mum at a baby group and we quickly became friends and saw each other 3-4 times a week at groups, went for coffee, outings etc with DC. However when her DC turned 2 it’s like he flipped a switch and became aggressive towards my DS. She just couldn’t see it although other mutual friends could. They moved away when DC were 4 and I’ve let the friendship slide away.

Ididivfama · 07/10/2023 22:10

I agree that hate is a really strong word.

Froggiebobbie · 07/10/2023 22:13

Just keep it in mind that you can’t control someone else’s kids, no matter their age. It is her job to parent and discipline them, and their behaviour may not be very acceptable but they’re still kids and growing up, but it depends on their age really.
You could have a conversation with her about the behaviour but if it doesn’t change, then maybe you should cut off the friendship. It would also be more important to know how old those kids are, so i can tell if it is normal for their age or not.
I don’t understand how you could hate your friend’s children, I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who hates my children. Hate is a strong word and if you feel that strongly about them, I’d stay away. It will be better for your family and her really, and your kids won’t have to deal with hers.

Circumferences · 07/10/2023 22:21

How old are the children involved?

If they're pre school eg 2-4 the other children's behaviour seems perfectly normal and something you just need to be more tolerant of.

Older than that ( eg 6+) I'd have second thoughts about maintaining friendship because what you describe is really bad behaviour for older children.

Butterkist8 · 07/10/2023 22:24

I had to let go of a potential friend .

My son needed protecting from her 'bitey' child.

After two meet ups where my son had been bitten ( one was so nasty and drew quite a bit of blood) I felt that enough was enough.
Potential friend explained that her son was trying to be affectionate.

Bollox.

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2023 22:28

If there is the expectation that you will meet up with the children then no, you can’t be friends.

I had to let a friendship go for similar reasons although it was more nuanced and I didn’t hate their kids at all but I didn’t like the parenting that had turned the children into very hard people to be around.

ToadOnTheHill · 07/10/2023 22:33

Id try again after "joking" about the bad behaviour and give it one last go. Something like "yes, would love to! [Her childs name] seemed to love the pens so I'll bring extra so they dont need to fight for them!"

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2023 22:38

You don’t say how she reacted to the snatching and being rude to you. Did she notice? Deal with it properly? Think it was cute?

I’d say something if another child took a pen from mine, I wouldn’t sit by and do nothing even/especially if the parent ignored it.

All children can have tricky moments, what matters is now their parents respond.

There’s a woman I’ve known many years who tried to get closer to me when she had her son. I can’t deal with her parenting at all so have pulled back from anything just us and we only see them in big groups these days. I’ve never blamed her son, it’s how she responds that drives me insane.

With a new friend I think I’d just see her on her own which you presumably managed before including the kids through the hobby. If that’s not possible then I’d walk away. Shared values are so important and parenting style is a big one.

EvilElsa · 07/10/2023 22:40

I had a friend with terribly behaved children (primary aged). We once went out to an daytime event with them and their behaviour was so bad people were staring and whispering. I was mortified to be associated with them. Fighting, screaming, pushing things over in shops...it was unbearable. She told me that she never tells them off as it is unhealthy and they need to express their feelings. Never went out with them ever again and the friendship fizzled out. We are fine with each other but not close.

Dustpantsandbush · 07/10/2023 22:43

Sack it off. They won’t change, move on.

janicegarvey · 07/10/2023 22:43

I've got a friend who's kids I can't stand . They're very rude to everyone including my friend and horrible to my kids. So I keep away mostly

Saz12 · 07/10/2023 23:01

Realistically, if you cant stand being around her children, but you cant meet up without them, then the friendship will be impossible to maintain.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/10/2023 23:07

If you like her stay friends for evening or mid free weekends only. Plenty of my friends (long-standing) aren't that keen on hanging out with each others kids so they just don't.

Original poster
LiveDieRepeat · 07/10/2023 23:08

Ah sorry I should have said. All the kids are in years 4/5/6 of primary school so 8-11, so should definitely know better.
some people have asked how she responded, it’s was a bit of ‘just make sure you share’ without actually stopping them, and a bit of turning a blind eye. No clear stop like I would have done if the tables were turned

to those who’ve said about my use of the word hate- yea you’re probably right it’s a strong word. I don’t hate them as in id wish them harm or fail to protect them from danger, I just find them incredibly rude and annoying and unpleasant to be around?

Lastly to those who’ve said meet without the kids, I’d love to but it’s virtually impossible as we are both single parents and work. Free time tends to be evenings or weekends when we usually have the children with us. I think she likes having a friend with children of a similar age so she has pushed for us all to meet.

I know the obvious answer is to end the friendship, but she’s great, it’s the kids that are the problem

OP posts:
MzHz · 07/10/2023 23:17

In my experience, people who text “my (awful) kids can’t wait to see you again” somehow KNOW they’re objectionable and have behaved appallingly and are using this as some kind of manipulation

she knows they’re awful.

You’re going to have to make excuses and drift away from her.

Saoirse82 · 07/10/2023 23:20

I know the obvious answer is to end the friendship, but she’s great, it’s the kids that are the problem

No, she's the problem. Or her parenting is. It's not the kids fault that they've clearly never been reprimanded for their awful behaviour.

Quartz2208 · 07/10/2023 23:21

Actually the fact is she is a reflection of her children. She cannot be great and her children are not because in essence they are who they are because of her parenting.

so in effect the friendship is over, your values don’t align and you need to move on

this isn’t an understandable our children don’t get on which is acceptable and understandable it’s you don’t like the way she parents

sgtmajormum · 07/10/2023 23:25

Sounds like as lovely as she is the friendship won't work if you can only meet up with the kids in tow.

NuffSaidSam · 07/10/2023 23:27

Presumably you both managed to meet at this hobby without your children? I would just explain to her that you want some time away from your kids/being a mum and your hobby is this time so you'd love to carry on seeing her for this hobby, but don't want to meet up for playdates with the kids.

If the kids are older primary school you're not far off both being able to leave them at home while you go out so it might be worth hanging on to her.