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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can I keep my friend if I hate her kids?

61 replies

LiveDieRepeat · 07/10/2023 21:59

Met a new friend at a hobby/activity a few months ago. We get on really well and have similar interests, humour and are both single and at a similar stage in our lives. We have kids and they’re similar ages so we get each others family commitment level. I’ve met up with her today and we both brought our kids. It’s the second time we’ve met and I absolutely hate her children. They’re precocious and demanding and rude. They constantly interrupted us talking to demand things, they’re definitely old enough to know better. Her children kept taking things from mine- I brought activities for them to do at lunchtime and hers kept taking the pens mine were using literally out their hands. At one point her child disagreed with me and told me I was wrong (I wasn’t), but then kept saying that I should shut up because I was wrong about everything. It was so annoying!
she has already texted this evening saying how lovely today was and how her children can’t wait to meet up again, but I’m dreading the idea. I just can’t stand them, and my children feel similarly if I’m honest. But I have no idea how to get out of seeing her children but still maintain the friendship? I wouldn’t be friends with someone who didn’t like my kids, so it seems duplicitous to put her in that situation, even if she doesn’t know why.
do I need to give her up as a friend? As I’ve said, we are both single so meeting up without the children is really hard to manage

OP posts:

Millybob · 07/10/2023 23:30

It's not obligatory to like anyone's kids. Some are loathsome!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/10/2023 23:35

What did she do when her children were telling you to shut up because you were wrong!? I'd have been mortified if that were my kids!

Can you meet up somewhere and do a completely different activity where the kids can almost do their own thing, some kind of activity where they don't need to interact much?

Peepshowcreepshow · 07/10/2023 23:35

Friend of mine has children I can't stand. They are the loud, shouty, jumping on furniture and breaking stuff kind of kids and I can't do any of that. I see her at the pub or she comes to me without them. I would never tell her but when I gently broached the fact they fuck her house up constantly, she actually defended it, so now I just refuse to discuss the feral creatures and have bland conversations about them.

thecrispfiend · 07/10/2023 23:46

Peepshowcreepshow · 07/10/2023 23:35

I have a friend like this too kids are wild!! And I only have 1 to her 3 so I'm just not used to the levels of noise. My son absolutely loves them though but they trash the house so we tend to meet outdoors as much as possible or go to their house!!

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/10/2023 23:56

Yeah this is tough. What can you say?!

”Friend, you’re great but my DC found your kids’ behaviour difficult when we met up. Would love to continue the friendship though. Let me know your thoughts.”

Eeeeek best I could do!

Pokinganose · 08/10/2023 00:03

She's allowing her dcs to behave like that and its not fair for your younger dcs to have put up with that. She's not a good friend. Pointing out the problem will only cause a problem. Your only way out is to bail.

iwantavuvezela · 08/10/2023 00:14

Try and find a way to keep your friend, lessen the impact where you can of been around her children. Soon your children will be in senior school and you will not have to meet with children, and you will still have your friend. (Im advising this as you seem to really like her as a person and friend) I am still in contact with parents from primary school and our. children did not maintain their friendships, but we did!

SabbatWheel · 08/10/2023 00:39

I would be perfectly happy to challenge any child that spoke to me like the example you gave, OP.
A simple “That’s rude” would be a fair start.

Hankunamatata · 08/10/2023 00:45

I think it's fine if she is willing to do no kids meet ups. Just tell her you found it too stressful having all the kids together and you couldn't get a good chat.
I avoid being close friends with parents of my children's friends amd same I avoid introducing my kids to my friends children. Way too much chace of things getting complicated.

Walkingtheplank · 08/10/2023 08:38

From my personal experience, I'd say you can be friends but have to meet away from the children.

A good friend has children almost identical in age to mine. We met as mums of toddlers but her son was always a nightmare - tantrums, physically hurt my children etc. The last time we spent time together with the children her son was vile to my DS who then played up himself as he quite rightly couldn't take anymore. She them spent the afternoon saying I should get treatment for my son.

I value her as a friend to me so have not met up with her with DCs since which has worked well. Her other (lovely) DC is now in therapy whilst her golden child remains golden in her eyes.

Sometimeswinning · 08/10/2023 08:46

Paynefully · 07/10/2023 22:03

How old are the kids?

It doesn’t actually matter. YABU to ‘hate’ any children.
Yeah ok some children are harder to be around than others.. but how can you actually ‘hate’ someone else’s children?

if you can’t tolerate them, cut the friendship off. Your attitude towards them will become obvious and you will either make them self conscious or you’re heading for confrontation from the mother.

Some kids are just very easy to dislike, just like people! Have you read the OP's post? They're selfish, rude little shits. Id most definitely not be meeting up with them!

CornishClott · 08/10/2023 09:11

I let one friendship go because she was only suggesting meeting up at mine in the winter , probably to save on heating . Final straw came when her child went into my bedroom and sprayed my perfume , threw a box of tissues across the room and almost destroyed a toy , Her mother found it amusing . That was it I just stopped contacting them ( pre internet days ) I would just let this go as you will follow up with resentment and it will ruin the friendship anyway.

PerspiringElizabeth · 08/10/2023 09:13

Froggiebobbie · 07/10/2023 22:03

Maybe meet up with her for a coffee, and you could have a chat about how you and your kids felt about her children’s behaviour and discuss how you could make it work if there is a next time.

Omg this is the worst idea ever 😂

ChaToilLeam · 08/10/2023 09:16

How can she be that great if her kids are such horrors? I get that kids can behave badly but she didn’t address it.

Sorry, I’d really not wish to continue being friends with her.

Doopydoo · 08/10/2023 09:16

I would have no hesitation in tell any child who behaved like that to stop.
Johnny, please don’t snatch the pens from Adam’s hand.
Johnny don’t tell me to shut up that’s very rude.
If their mother isn’t going to stop them being horrible to me or my kids then I’m going to pull them up on it.
My kids being treated nicely is far more important than a friendship.

YukoandHiro · 08/10/2023 09:18

Froggiebobbie · 07/10/2023 22:03

Maybe meet up with her for a coffee, and you could have a chat about how you and your kids felt about her children’s behaviour and discuss how you could make it work if there is a next time.

Ha ha ha! That's one way to lose a friend for good 🤣🤣

Malificent1 · 08/10/2023 09:18

She’s not great, her kids are walking, talking, snatching proof of that.

Merryoldgoat · 08/10/2023 09:21

I’m a pretty relaxed parent generally but the idea my child would tell someone to shut up and I’d just ignore it has me shocked!

YukoandHiro · 08/10/2023 09:22

As they are a bit older can you take them to a place like an adventure playground where they can go off and do their own thing and you can have a coffee with the mum without anyone having to police them

Dramatic · 08/10/2023 09:23

If you ever do meet up with her with the kids again don't be shy in telling them that they're being rude/not to snatch from your children.

I can see this happening with an old friend of mine, I've known her since school and I have three older children but her son is a similar age to my youngest. He is now 5 and she does not stop him from rampaging round everywhere he goes, he's rude and attacks other children. I am going to be gutted if I have to stop seeing my friend but I can't keep subjecting my child to him.

Hayfeveroverseason · 08/10/2023 09:28

I agree with those who say that her dc are a reflection of their parents, however the dad might be crap, so its a nature rather than nurture issue.
You don't have to be rude or tiptoe, or even make something up. You just have to stick to the facts about how your dc feel about her dc. Just tell her your dc didn't cope too well on the playdate, so you would prefer the friendship to be between the two of you.

Hayfeveroverseason · 08/10/2023 09:28

Mummy08m · 08/10/2023 09:29

Wow, an 8-11yo snatching a pen off another kid, right in front of both mums, is not really normal. Revealing that the mum didn't react strongly, ie without much surprise, it shows that's normal for them.

I'd stop meeting her, it can't be fun for your kids, it's not fair on them. Find another mum friend.

Honestly don't try to talk to her about her kids' behaviour. That will only make her offended and defensive.

ASCCM · 08/10/2023 09:29

I had a friend like this. Her kids are so rude. But it’s because she never says no and when they interrupt she’ll just go and play with them ( and leave me sitting alone) once one of them threw a chair at me and told me to leave because they wanted all their mums attention. My DP met them for the first time the other day and was like oh my god they are so rude ( without knowing all the background)

I wouldn’t spend my time in this environment, I only see this person without kids laregely now ( and not often) I don’t have the patience for her parenting style or the overindulged kids.

Mummy08m · 08/10/2023 09:30

You just have to stick to the facts about how your dc feel about her dc. Just tell her your dc didn't cope too well on the playdate, so you would prefer the friendship to be between the two of you.

I can't imagine any mum being willing to meet up with someone who criticises her kids...!

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