How the fuck do people put up with all this shit? Friendship stuff

[Merryoldgoat]

Not a TAAT but I’ve read three posts where someone’s friend has been disgustingly rude to them, has a history of shitty behaviour, and yet still seems to have OP worried about maintaining the friendship in some way.

How does this happen?

In my life:

Person acts like a cunt to me, I either tell them to fuck off and leave me alone, or just don’t see them again.

If they ask ‘what’s wrong’ in a faux naive way I tell them and we either sort it or don’t.

I have a fair number of friends but maybe only 4/5 good friends I’m in touch with weekly. Literally none of us would do this.

I’ve had a few in the past who can be twats but I shut it down fast and we’re done.

I literally cannot imagine someone shouting at me in a group and not retaliating in kind and never talking to them again.

Mad.

I agree. I don't consider anyone a friend if they could behave that way. Life is too short to have toxic people in your space. My friendship group is small because I don't tolerate fools but I'm more than happy with that.

I do wonder if it’s a self-esteem issue when people put up with other people’s shitty, awful behaviour. Or they don’t want to rock the boat because they are part of a larger friendship group and don’t want to cause an uncomfortable atmosphere.

I had a friend who I put up with shitty behaviour from for 20 years (no shouting at me, other very, very inconsiderate stuff and pure blatant lies) until one day the last straw came and I called it quits with the friendship.

I had a post on here about it and so many people were wtf did you put up with her for etc, but I really think I am non-confrontational plus I’ve never had a wide friendship group so I just hung out for any crumbs I could get. Never again, hard lesson learnt.

Because we live in a larger, interconnected community. Because nobody is perfect. In reality, let’s say Person A thinks someone has called her fat and screams at the supposed perpetrator. The wider community will show her that’s not acceptable by being off with her, she will realise her mistake, apologise and order is restored. Some of us live in small communities where you can’t just ghost someone who you will see daily for years. The wider community will probably also know that person B is generally ok.

It’s very awkward for everyone else when two people are beefing and bringing their drama to every occasion. Hence, it needs to be resolved.

I just think friends are supposed to love you and no one who loves you would treat you so badly on purpose.

I really feel for people who don’t feel able to advocate for themselves but at the same time I don’t understand it.

@Vocaladvocaat

I don’t really agree.

I’m not talking about disagreements and irritations - we all have those.

I’m talking about aggressive, demeaning, unacceptable behaviour. And frankly, if someone shouted at someone else in my home the way happened on the other thread and tell them to get out.

And there doesn’t have to be drama. You just don’t include them in your life anymore.

I think it's a self esteem issue or the societal value we place on maintaining friendships especially if they are historical ones i.e. started in school and graduate into adulthood. I know in the past I have put up with crappy friends because I've felt like I couldn't walk away because of 'old times sake.'

However, as I've got older, I have a much more no bullshit policy to friendships which over time has weeded out the ones that were only there for the free ride.

I'm careful who I let in now but equally I take people more on face value too and if I feel a bad vibe I walk in the other direction.

I think becoming a mum has also made me look closer at my friendship group because I'm more mindful of whoever is in my life, is usually also in my daughters.

Absolutely. Definitely with lockdown it really made me assess who I actually wanted in my life and I’ve pulled away from anyone who didn’t add any value to my life.

Life is too short for shit friends

I don't know... maybe trying to 'be kind', or they don't want to hurt feelings.
I used to be like that, and let some awful friendships and behaviour slide. Nowadays, I have no tolerance for such bullshit. The first sign of any cuntish behaviour, I am out. It is rarely a one off.

I have a friend who has been awful to me and I still see them.

This frenemy has dropped me at the last minute/not turned up for lunches/meet ups, will say mean things to me whenever I have any success - has tried to sabotage me at work before. They're super competitive with me and incredibly insecure.

They're a colleague, so I can't just entirely cut them out.

Every so often I get pissed off and cut them out but then they get upset I'm no longer their friend - I feel guilty and the whole cycle starts again 😂

I have no idea why I am still friends with them. I know they're toxic, but they always friend bomb me when I try to cut them out...

I am a nice person but introverted and quiet. I fucked off a group of friends last year because one of their daughters was bullying my daughter and she believed her daughter wasn’t. They all abandoned me. They were my best friends. Now I’m lonely and regret it.

@MsCactus

Sorry but I literally don’t understand your behaviour at all. I find it baffling.

@Stepbystepfan

But they weren’t friends were they?

My son and his best friend had a falling out. Both said quite nasty words. I’m friends with his mum.

She contacted me for my sons side and I gave it. Neither boy covered themselves I’m glory. Both boys told off, made up, apologies accepted.

She and I are very much still friends. None of my friends would dismiss me saying their child bullied mine.

Those people don’t deserve you.

I agree. The amount of aggravation and drama people tolerate from what are, ultimately, entirely voluntary “friendships” is really peculiar.

If you have a friendship that is causing you stress, upset, or making your life worse, just walk away. It doesn’t even need a conversation or a big flounce - just let it wither on the vine.

Not everyone is as strong as you.

I feel really sorry for my frenemy, which is probably why I put up with it.

They've broken down to me before about all their insecurities, and I know they're only behaving this way because they're so insecure

I do periodically cut them out for months at a time though

@Iknowthis1

But why? I’m not a remarkable person, have my share of trauma etc and frankly a pretty challenging life. Why am I (and lots of others) able to but someone else isn’t?

I wonder if it’s because some people can’t bear being disliked, which is something else I find baffling.

I just couldn’t be arsed with all that. I’d have told her once to either stop the shit or go away and that would’ve been it.

Does she bring anything to your life?

A lot of people on here describe other people as friends when they clearly don't like them or even know them much. It's not real life.

But yes, many put up with too much shit.

I agree. A friend and I had a disagreement last Summer around my wedding (she thought we should have invited someone that we hadn't, so she decided last minute not to come).

We both stuck to our guns, talked about it like adults and have actually become closer than we were beforehand.

Because sometimes your lives become so intertwined that getting out feels impossible.

In my case (you can search my threads if you really want to) my friend was living with me and it wasn't until after she left and the friendship ended, I realised how toxic the whole situation was and how controlling she was to me.

I made excuses to myself for her behaviour (autism, health issues). Things are rarely black and white

Think that's so true OP! Its comes with confidence though to think to yourself "well fuck them, I don't care if they dont like me, I actually don't like THEM!"

I do understand it - I grew up in a family where we kids (myself and two brothers) were high-achieving at school and music but we had abusive parents who constantly berated us, told us we were useless - we all grew up with lousy self esteem - I never heard a compliment or positive word from my parents growing up - I learnt to keep as quiet as possible to avoid mother's rage.

I was bullied constantly in workplaces by other women and put up with bossy friends because I believed myself to be worthless. It took years for me to develop any self confidence at all. I'm in my 60s now and recently told a bossy friend to get lost - hooray. It's taken me decades to be able to do this.

So I think these people have lousy self confidence and self worth, are probably also afraid of having no friends. My bet is that this is partly their personality (quiet, pleasant, not assertive) and partly due to their upbringing. Bullies spot these people as easy targets. The trouble is, the bullying reinforces their lousy sense of self worth.

I think some people are very high in agreeableness, whether this is innate or learned I don't know. It's largely to their detriment though, in my experience.

Highly recommend the book Friendaholic by Elizabeth Day.