How the fuck do people put up with all this shit? Friendship stuff

[Merryoldgoat]

Not a TAAT but I’ve read three posts where someone’s friend has been disgustingly rude to them, has a history of shitty behaviour, and yet still seems to have OP worried about maintaining the friendship in some way.

How does this happen?

In my life:

Person acts like a cunt to me, I either tell them to fuck off and leave me alone, or just don’t see them again.

If they ask ‘what’s wrong’ in a faux naive way I tell them and we either sort it or don’t.

I have a fair number of friends but maybe only 4/5 good friends I’m in touch with weekly. Literally none of us would do this.

I’ve had a few in the past who can be twats but I shut it down fast and we’re done.

I literally cannot imagine someone shouting at me in a group and not retaliating in kind and never talking to them again.

Mad.

It's mostly due to low self esteem, I reckon

Also, age. As I've got older, I'm less tolerant of people messing me around

It's probably something to do with the endless threads on here usually titled 'how do I make friends as an adult'.
People who are lonely finally find a 'friend' and will put up with any old shit for fear of losing them.

I have a thread on this, and I am post 50. I have had quite a lot of success by starting a book club, joining a movie club, and generally putting myself out there. Also had failures, ofc. But at least am trying.

I didn't say you weren't trying, I also assume you don't have a thread about someone screaming at you on a night out?
My post wasn't personal, just an observation.

My response wasn't personal either, just a general observation about how to make friends in late adulthood! Since so many threads are about that, as you observed.

I don't have a post on friends screaming at me, no, but I did have one friend like that. We are no longer friends.

Well there you go! If you got rid of the screaming friend you are definitely not the kind of person this post is aimed at as you actually did something about it and got rid of her.
My point about the endless threads on here about how to make friends as an adult means there are plenty of people struggling to make/keep friends and would perhaps put up with below par behaviour for fear of losing the friendship.

I completely agree! I've been astounded by the rudeness and awful behaviour people put up with and you always get posters making excuses for it! No, it wasnt someone else who got hold of their phone, no they dont have undiagnosed MH issues (and even if they did, you arent their emotional punching bag), no they werent having a bad day, they are a grade A arsehole and you dont need "friends" like that. Good grief, friends are supposed to enhance your life, not make you feel like shit.

IMO a lot of the ‘friends’ people post about are merely acquaintances. Just someone they happen to know.

I agree with this but even so, surely having no friends is preferable to a "friend" who verbally abuses you/screams at you on the regular. I guess its a similar dynamic to an abusive relationship.

Thank you but I am so lonely and always see this group of women out laughing together. I was basically pushed out of the group because this one woman refused to admit her daughter was bullying mine. My daughter couldn’t ignore it and was crying every night after just starting high school. We are a year on now. I have no friends and wish I hadn’t mentioned anything. I only asked her if she knew what was going on between our girls in school and she said my daughter needed to be more ‘cool’. Her daughter was using mine to gain popularity status. Wish I’d just asked my daughter to report it in school instead of approaching her. Maybe the same outcome would have happened. When I see any of the other 6 women they ignore me. I haven’t actually done anything wrong but it’s put me off making new friends. I am going through a divorce too and feel so incredibly alone.

I admit to being the friend often treated badly. I was conditioned to allow it. I was raised, literally being told whenever someone did something to treat me poorly, 'don't rock the boat' by my mother. If I did call them out or demand equal treatment, apparently I'd be friendless. It affected my self esteem so badly I learned to let people walk all over me out of fear. It also meant I attracted those poor friendship people because you teach people how to treat you. I'm not a people pleaser at all, so it's only fear.

I've only just realised, at 46, after being treated so poorly by yet another couple of 'friends', in an unexcusable way, that I can't do it anymore. I'm pulling away and need to heal myself.

I was also chatting to the parents picking kids up from my DS' birthday party (he's 11) and realised most were lovely, and some stayed for a decent chat without being asked. It made me realise that I need to lift my expectations and trust I'm worthwhile to have around as an equal.

I agree. I think people are terrified of being without friends, so put up with shitty behaviour because they don’t want to be ‘that’ person posting on here that they have no friends. I have a friend of 30 years, who has always been selfish, and I’ve just accepted her sometimes crappy behaviour because she’s like my safety net - always been close and the nice bits kind of balance out the rubbish parts. But recently, following an incident with one of my big birthdays, when she bragged about spending loads of money on other friends (she collects them like trophies), who she hadn’t know very long, and didn’t spend a penny on my birthday (I wouldn’t have bothered had she not made me aware of buying for others), I’m re-evaluating our friendship, finally realising that I’m clearly not as important to her as I thought I was. I’ve backed off, and she can see that and messages me often. But being older now, I just can’t be arsed, and although I won’t cut her out of my life, I’m going to keep the friendship low key.

It was a drip feed that the friend had been a shit friend for ages.

Based on the first post , no I wouldn't just dump a friend if they had a one off outburst (which appeared to be fueled by drink) doesn't mean I have low self esteem or anything else, I would also realise that I had added to her annoyance by making a joke out of it and continuing to do what evidently annoyed her.

Absolutely all of this.

If you grow up being made to feel worthless, people who treat you badly is just the normal order of things. I've had shed loads of therapy and it's taken that to get me to this place in my life where I don't take so much shit from others. But it's also made it harder over the years to make friends because confident, assertive people who expect people to like them are more attractive to others. Growing up in an abusive family is a double bind because it makes you more likely to be treated like that going forward. Also, you're more likely to be a bit unconsciously needy because you want some affection in your life.

@MsCactus are you sure the breakdown and revealing of all their insecurities wasn’t just a manipulation of you to keep you on side? Admitting all this is fine if they change their behaviour but they haven’t have they? If this person is a colleague you have to see every day I’d personally just move to a formal politeness and share nothing with them about my life.

Gosh - that was a lot overnight.

lots of very interesting points. I grew up in a house with emotionally abusive parents (to each other) and my mum had lots of issues but the women in my family (of which there are many) don’t have a problem expressing how they feel so I suppose it’s just second nature for me.

And I’m not saying I just get rid of friends at the first disagreement, but I don’t put up with bonkers or abusive behaviour because friends are supposed to be supportive and comforting and where you can find solace.

And it’s not that I don’t ‘get’ people aren’t like me - I don’t get having friends who you don’t like.

I make friends relatively easily but I put myself out there - offer lifts to school mums, chat with colleagues with shared interests, pursue my hobbies etc. It makes making friends much less stressful as it happens naturally and slowly and you can pull back if necessary.

On balance, it sounds like this might not have been the best friend group for you anyway. It sounds trite, but join groups of like mi dd people to make real friends.

@Stepbystepfan

Do you have any free time to join a group you are interested in? I started a hobby group and we’re were SUCH a diverse mix of people - different personalities, ethnicities, values etc but after a few weeks we’d found the people we clicked with most and lots of us see each other separately for other stuff.

@Stepbystepfan

And those women are nasty. If you were still part of their group they’d be making you miserable.

I wouldn’t stop being friends with anyone because of a group dynamic.

Not all people have good self esteem. Some people are nasty and manipulative. Put the two together and you get a toxic friendship. If you understand abuse, you understand how this kind of thing can happen.

I think people get into patterns of what's normal in their friendships. I stopped talking to a friend of over 20 years a couple of years back. She'd often make hurtful comments, but I usually let it go and focused on the positives and dismissed it as her just having a blunt personality.

I finally woke up for good when I realised I she always tried to make me feel shit so she could feel happier with her own life. I think the defining moment for me was that she'd made negative comments about me being single/childless for years, and when I told her I was engaged, she congratulated me, then moved on to almost immediately making negative comments about my weight instead. I realised she'd never be really happy for me and even if I lost weight, she'd find something new to pick on.

I did try talking to her about it a few times, but she really doubled down with the "It's just how I am. I have to tell the truth." So I eventually stopped talking to her

I do sometimes regret that I effectively ghosted her. But not enough to make me get in touch when she messaged. I feel sad sometimes because it was a long standing friendship and we did have some good times, but I felt it had become incredibly toxic.

I know my friend is baffled as she feels nothing changed in the friendship dynamics and doesn't understand why we stopped talking. From her perspective, nothing had changed. I just got fed up with the dynamic.