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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move to the other end of the country?

73 replies

scrambledeggchair · 07/10/2023 14:03

I've lived in my town all of my life, and have lived in my house for the past 8 years. My landlord has just decided to sell.

I'm a single parent to an 8yo DD and we have a dog. I'm almost certain we couldn't pass the affordability test for any other places around here (SE - very expensive).

We've had a really traumatic year. My DD developed a neurological disorder last Christmas, which caused severe OCD & suicidal ideation. She's doing much better now, but she's become a bit of a target for bullies at school after it all. She's also been referred (though still years away from) for ASC/ ADHD assessment, and the SEN support at her school is awful. She's desperate to move schools.

Also, her dad got out of prison last year and had a bipolar episode in the spring - tried to kick the door in, made a scene at her school etc. He's in prison again now but nobody's sure for how long, so that's another source of anxiety.

I think I've been low-level depressed for years, really - just stuck in a rut and too demotivated to do anything about it.

But when I got the call about the landlord selling, out of nowhere my brain just told me we should relocate.

One of my best friends lives in a seaside town in the north-east, and she loves it. We could rent a much cheaper, much much nicer house up there, and they seem to be way more chilled about benefits/ pets.

We don't have a very close family and don't see anybody much - everyone thinks it's a good idea (which I find reassuring as I have ADHD and have made lots of stupid decisions in the past).

I WFH and my boss thinks I should do it too - he actually gave me the morning off to start researching so no worries there.

I've started to look at schools & there are lots in the area which look fantastic, but I'm going to chat to all the SENCOs next week.

I've floated the idea past my DD and she's ridiculously keen - she can't stop talking about it! I think a fresh start is exactly what we both need.

But it's so scary! There just seems like so much to do, nothing can be done in a sensible order (eg sign new tenancy, get school place, give notice on this place), I'm terrified of it all going wrong and DD getting really poorly again etc etc. I've been homeless before & being homeless with DD is my biggest fear.

So AIBU to move 300 miles with my DD & pup, do you think?

Has anybody done similar? I'd love to read some positive stories!

OP posts:
ShadowsontheHill · 07/10/2023 14:19

You have more than one reason, plus you already have a friend in that area. As scary as it may seem I think it’s would help on so many levels. There is a lot less money swishing about up North though there are pockets of wealth. I am from the SE and moved North close to 30 years ago, though I had easier circumstances than yourself, I much prefer it though it is bloody colder. Good luck x

DisforDarkChocolate · 07/10/2023 14:22

It sounds like a great idea. The NE is fabulous. I'm currently in Northumberland but contemplating a move to Skeleton-in-cleveland because I love the sea.

BibbleandSqwauk · 07/10/2023 14:30

Absolutely do it. For all the reasons others have said. And FWIW I don't really notice it being colder up here except in the summer when I'm pleased it's a little cooler and less humid than SE.

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/10/2023 15:08

I'd do it in a heartbeat if I were you.

I'm from Northumberland and everyone I know (including myself) has come back home. It's got the best quality of life, friendliest people, cheapest property and stunning scenery. No brainer really. Good luck!

EarthlyNightshade · 07/10/2023 15:20

I am normally the "don't do it!" type but this seems like a really good idea for you both (and dog).
People on mumsnet will give you loads of practical help on what to do and what order to do it in once you start making actual plans.
Good luck!

Movetothesea · 07/10/2023 16:36

Definitely go for it. It is very daunting especially being on your own with children. I did it, in very different circumstances but also very difficult circumstances. I moved to the seaside after my partner died and I was a lone parent with 4 children. It was extremely hard in the beginning and if we’d been able to move back in the first few years we definitely would have BUT we are completely settled now and the kids love it. They have a much better quality of life, they have thrived, and it was definitely the right move for all of us. We were previously in the SE as well. Good luck!

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 07/10/2023 16:38

Better to regret trying than not trying op although it sounds like just what the doctor ordered!
I am excited for you!

50lessfat · 07/10/2023 16:39

Do it you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. North East is lovely.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 07/10/2023 16:43

I think this is a good idea if your DD isn't going to struggle with leaving her friends and making new ones and if you think you can get her a school place (that's the one thing putting us off a similar move atm). Have you looked at whether you might be able to buy up there OP? Because house prices are crazy low in some parts of the NE.

MintJulia · 07/10/2023 16:48

yanbu. I moved 85 miles away from ex, with 3yo ds. I already had a couple of friends in the new town.

I got a job first, then as soon as I had a contract & a start date, I rented a flat for 12 months (grotty but v close to work), and then found a childminder.

It was a bit of a rush, but we managed it, Moved on the Sunday and started work on the Monday. For us, it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Do your research, and then go for it. If your boss is supportive and your contract is wfh, there is nothing to hold you back. Good luck. 🙂

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/10/2023 16:48

Sounds like a great idea in your situation! We moved from the SE to the NW of England just because we wanted a change (and cheaper house prices), even though all our family is down south and our dc were fine in the schools they were in. You have more reason to do it than we did, and very little reason not to!

MrsMarzetti · 07/10/2023 16:53

I would be packing now. What a great new start for you both. Yes it is hard work organising a move but it will only be hard for a few months. By next Summer you could be living a great life.

Original poster
scrambledeggchair · 07/10/2023 18:57

I'm currently in Northumberland but contemplating a move to Skeleton-in-cleveland because I love the sea.

Yes!! It's this area, Cleveland/ redcar 😄 we're actually near the sea already but it's always super busy which my DD finds tricky, it's hard to park & it's pebbles rather than sand (no prizes for guessing where!) so we really don't make the most of it. We'd love a nice sandy beach nearby!

OP posts:
Original poster
scrambledeggchair · 07/10/2023 18:58

BibbleandSqwauk · 07/10/2023 14:30

Absolutely do it. For all the reasons others have said. And FWIW I don't really notice it being colder up here except in the summer when I'm pleased it's a little cooler and less humid than SE.

I'm actually one of those MN weirdos who hates the summer & being too hot, and just looks forward to being wrapped up and cosy 🫣 so I'm half looking forward to that change if I'm honest!

OP posts:
Original poster
scrambledeggchair · 07/10/2023 19:00

Movetothesea · 07/10/2023 16:36

Definitely go for it. It is very daunting especially being on your own with children. I did it, in very different circumstances but also very difficult circumstances. I moved to the seaside after my partner died and I was a lone parent with 4 children. It was extremely hard in the beginning and if we’d been able to move back in the first few years we definitely would have BUT we are completely settled now and the kids love it. They have a much better quality of life, they have thrived, and it was definitely the right move for all of us. We were previously in the SE as well. Good luck!

Edited

Wow this is properly brave & inspiring!! Thank you for sharing & I'm so glad you're all happy and settled Flowers

OP posts:
Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 07/10/2023 19:05

@PITH12 did this , her thread is now in classics . She moved to Glasgow-ish area and her and the children seemed to settle well make friends and seems to be enjoying her new life . I'm sure she could give advice on going about it .

MoonlightMuse · 07/10/2023 19:06

My DD and I moved 300 miles from London in the past couple of years. No family nearby. We are loving it.

Original poster
scrambledeggchair · 07/10/2023 19:07

SisterMichaelsHabit · 07/10/2023 16:43

I think this is a good idea if your DD isn't going to struggle with leaving her friends and making new ones and if you think you can get her a school place (that's the one thing putting us off a similar move atm). Have you looked at whether you might be able to buy up there OP? Because house prices are crazy low in some parts of the NE.

She seems to have a target on her head now at school after the OCD & her dad kicking off, so she's just getting picked on incessantly (just finished another long email to the school about this week's incidents). She's been begging me to move schools all year but I just didn't think she'd make new friends when she was v poorly. Now she's much better and I think she'll be able to cope. It certainly can't be any worse for her!

School-wise, they say they can't tell me about spaces until I make the application (which must be 4 weeks before the move). But the admissions lady seemed pretty positive in her email, and there are quite a few that sound great from their website (though I know this can be misleading! But the curriculum & activities they do and their SEN policy look fab) so it seems like we'll have a few good choices to name on the form.

My credit's shot to bits unfortunately, as I've entered a DMP this year, so no chance of buying any time soon - but at least I'd stand some chance up there in 6 years when it falls off my credit report!

OP posts:
Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 07/10/2023 19:11

Ps the title of the thread in classics is titled Single Mum .

Original poster
scrambledeggchair · 07/10/2023 19:13

Thank you all so much for your comments & stories by the way. A unanimous YANBU so far, I've never had that before 😁

It's so good to hear from so many people who have done it and it's worked out really well.

I was such a dickhead before I had DD & was diagnosed/ medicated, and just made the most insanely stupid decisions constantly. I think I've just gone too far the other way and have been too scared to do anything brave or new in case I'm being stupid again.

So it is very reassuring to have so many (eminently sensible & wise) MNers tell me I'm not. Thank you, truly Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
scrambledeggchair · 07/10/2023 19:14

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 07/10/2023 19:11

Ps the title of the thread in classics is titled Single Mum .

I'll dig it out now - I'd absolutely love to read it, thank you!!

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 07/10/2023 19:34

I'm pretty near the area you're suggesting. Give me a shout when you get here and we can welcome autumn and winter together 😁

nobodysdaughternow · 07/10/2023 19:37

We move from the SE to NE coastal town in Feb.

Similar to you we wanted to avoid family members, but we do have my PIL up here.

Oh my Christ, we love it! The local kids play out and there is none of the middle class competition which was rife in the SE.

Nobody bangs on about which school they want their child to go to or what they got in their SATs.

It suits us because we were shit at being middle class.

UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 07/10/2023 19:42

Do it! I’ve just moved halfway across the country to make a new start, and am living by the sea - I love it. You’ve got a friend up there, the ingredients for a better quality of life, and it sounds like your DD would benefit from a fresh start. Good luck!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/10/2023 20:15

That sounds like a lovely fresh start for you both, and how lovely to be close to your best friend. Especially rennting it's less risky as you don't have to worry about wasting stamp duty money and being stuck there if you don't like it. You might even be able to buy one day in the NE.

I would go for it. The only thing to be careful about is (especially is she is Asd) your daughter (and maybe even you too) may get a bit fixated on this move solving all problems and it might put the new town on a bit of a pedestal- make sure you're both prepared for challenges as well as being excited!