Should kids have a birthday party each year?

[Todaysproblem]

I come from a completely different culture, so I don’t have a strong sense of what’s normal or not.

I only ever had one birthday party when I turned 7 and my parents didn’t provide a birthday cake, rather a few small shop bought cakes were served to the kids in our block of flats who came to our house. I never had a party since that one, no milestone birthday was ever acknowledged.

We celebrated every single birthday for our kids, first few birthdays were with friends and husband’s family (he’s got a similar background, never had a birthday party or cake until I started making a proper fuss to make up for it). As they grew older we invited all the classmates, except for the Covid years, when we couldn’t invite kids but I still went to town with decorations, elaborate cakes and surprises.

It’s been almost a decade and I find it all too exhausting, every year the expectations are higher and last year we ended up spending a fortune on caterers, entertainers and party decorators. My daughter is now turning 9 and I wanted us to do a few fun things during the day as a family, then dress up and go to a nice restaurant for dinner. Initially she seemed on board with this, but now she keeps saying she’s worried the birthday won’t be celebrated ‘properly’ and that her friends keep asking her to make sure they’re getting an invite to her upcoming party. I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or that the day will pass without a proper ‘bang’, but I really, really want a break from the enormous stress. I proposed that going forward we do the parties every other year, but she went all quiet and gloomy.

Is my idea of celebrating a quieter birthday outrageous? Am I going to regret not making a proper effort? All the kids in her class seem to have a party every single year, it’s always the whole class getting invited so most weekends there’s a kids birthday party taking place. Where do parents find the energy??

My kids are strictly every 2 years. There are plenty of kids who do have a party every year but plenty who don't as well.

It sounds like you have been having big parties. By 9 parties are often smaller with just a few friends. Can you just have a few friends round and take them to an activity or have a sleepover.

I proposed that, 5-ish girls over for pizza, movie, treats and sleepover. She said it sounds more like a play date 🙄.

I don’t know, I’ll chat to her again tomorrow. I’d like something that works for everyone.

That sounds perfect to me and like a typical 9 year olds birthday party. What are her friends doing for theirs?
maybe ask her if there is anything that could be included to make it feel more like a party - birthday cake, balloons, mocktail making etc

My son just turned 9 and we went to a theme park as a family, he was very happy to go out of town. We had a party last year. I told my kids some years we won't do anything or have something smaller and they understand. It's exhausting to have parties. I think you should talk to your kids and tell them you can't have a big party all the time.

I think it's nice to have a party if that's what your child wants BUT a party doesn't have to mean a large production. None of the kids parties I've been to have had caterers or involved paying for party decorators.

Party decorations are normally a pack of balloons (or I prefer the paper lanterns which are reusable and better for the environment), a banner or two and a party tablecloth - all of which the child should help in putting up.

Yes you might want some form of entertainment - but that's really about making it easier for yourself to allow you to just step back and oversee during the party rather than 'entertain' them yourself.

'Catering' would depend on the type of party, so if it's an at home or local hall party it will be sandwiches, sausage rolls and crisps or cheap pizza or similar. Or some kinds of parties e.g. ice skating party will come with food packages so the food is provided by the venue.

Oh and a supermarket or cheap box mix cake is completely normal too.

At 9 I'd involve the child in the planning and preparation. So you decide a budget and then they decide whether they want a cheaper type party (at home/local hall) with more guests or more expensive activity type party with fewer guests. And she has to help with prep and clear up - which not only helps you with the workload but also helps her understand that parties don't just happen.

I couldn't imagine throwing my DD birthday parties every year. I think until they're old enough then a day out with family or a little family party is fine and once they're old enough to decide then they can either have a few friends and do an activity etc and have parties on big birthdays. Just gets out of hand.

Issue is because your parties have become very elaborate ( imo) and also gone on for years then your daughter now expects them to be the same. As do her friends it would seem. Which if shes had them for years will be difficult to change.

You as her parents need to tone down her expectations as she grows up. There is absolutely no need. Most kids/parents reduce their parties to trips out with a handful of friends or a sleepover and treats etc. If she gets sulky she is about to learn an important life lesson. She is old enough to understand though. We don’t always get everything we want although you’ve created this really and it’s not her fault.

Does every single child really have parties every single year right through primary? I’d say that was quite unusual tbh. Especially seeing as the cost of living is biting and parties can’t/won’t be afforded by many.

caterers, entertainers and party decorators

There is a middle ground between a few kids for pizza and paying party decorators! If you've built up to that at 8, where did you think you'd end up? Kardasian levels?

Have a smaller party but still fun and nice. Invite fewer children.

She sounds a bit entitled. I think it's unsurprising that a 9 year old would want to spend it with their friends rather than just family, but it is very standard for it to be scaled down to a few friends doing an activity or coming over at that stage, and she seems to be rebuffing that like it's nothing.

I think her expectations need managing generally, but have you suggested a trip out with friends, rather than just a sleepover? Bowling/Cinema, something like that?

I grew up like you, we didn’t really have parties, it just wasn’t a thing. I always did them for my kids, but as PPs have said, there is a middle ground! For example I don’t think we ever had a whole class party, it was always 10 kids max and usually take them to an activity where you can bring a cake and sandwiches afterwards. For DD’s 9th birthday she had a forest school party, other parties were things like bowling, laser tag, Go Ape (only 3 friends as it’s expensive!) Once they got past 10 it was always sleepover parties anyway.

I think you may have created your own problem by having these huge parties- I’ve never booked a caterer or an entertainer! But there is definitely a middle ground.

I think it's nice for kids to have some kind of party every year with their friends, but it doesn't have to be stressful or elaborate. Just invite some friends to a trampoline park / ice skating / cinema / etc followed by pizza and cake.

Mine have been allowed parties through primary but not to level of caterers and entertainers- that sounds like an 18th or 21st birthday party level. Mine started off as whole class in the local village hall with me providing sandwiches etc and a bouncy castle and gradually got smaller as they got older to invite their group of friends. Things they’ve done have included soft play, bowling and trampoline park which have been no effort from me because the party place do all the work. DS just had his last primary age birthday in the summer and chose to go with 3 friends to the local water park. Dd just had her 8th birthday and didn’t want a group party in a venue so had 2 friends to sleep over and we went to the trampoline place and for pizza. I think going from mega party to nothing might be a bit of a jump, can you do a smaller party as a happy medium?

To be honest it's only ok to have a party if the child wants one, if the person organising it wants one and if you can afford it.
It is not necessary to have a party however and in no way do you have to.
I've only had 2 'proper' parties for my child. My child is 10. She would have liked one this year yes but I said no and to be honest she was ok with that.
She's probably just going to have a friend round to play on her birthday and she's really looking forward to that.
More people on here seem to give parties than in my area/school.
But then again I think it does depend on area/school

I've voted YABU as your reason appears to be that you want a break.....but the birthdays are once a year which hardly seems arduous.

I agree with others though that at 9 you can say it's not a whole class thing, maybe take your daughter and 5 mates bowling and then to Nandos, or cinema and Starbucks or something.

My 6 year olds have typically had whole class soft play parties and when they turn 7 this year I'm encouraging them to pare down a bit and maybe do bowling or something slightly lower numbers (not least because I can't cope with the volume of gifts that arrives for a twin birthday party attended by 25 people)!

I grew up (90s) having a “party” every year but that definitely wasn’t a whole class party, by 9 I think it was a sleepover with a few friends, a rented DVD, pizza and snacks and friends parties that age were the same, or going for dinner with a few friends, or cinema with a few friends, or bowling with a few friends etc. Whole class parties in a hall tended to be younger ages- maybe us to age 6 or so but there was the occasional whole class disco for an 11th or 12th birthday in the last year of primary school. I definitely would do something for DD every year for her birthday (if she wanted to) involving some friends as well as a family thing but it won’t be big parties at the older primary/ secondary ages.

You have made a rod for your own back here by ramping up expectations. You will cause upset and disappointment if you suddenly change the goalposts in the run up to her birthday. However that doesn't mean you are stuck with big parties forever and you can start to change things to make them less stressful for you.

Parties tend to be less of a thing at secondary, if they happen they are more a case of a couple of friends round for movie night and pizza or similar so start laying the groundwork for that now with comments about big parties only being for primary school and secondary age kids do other things.

This year suggest something that she will like but is less work, like a party at the ice skating rink/bowling alley/waterpark/trampoline park these are minimal work as you can normally buy a package including food and soft drinks afterwards, there's no need to decorate and no clearing up. You just supply a cake. Give her a number of friends that she can invite and stick to the upper limit.

Next year do similar if it is less stressful in any event set expectations early and do it in a positive way so talk about having less guests means that the budget stretches to more exciting activities. Involve her in this, eg. she might prefer to take just one friend to the theme park rather than have the whole class in a church hall or ten friends at the bowling alley.

Surely you've only got a couple of years left of this though?

When she starts secondary, I imagine she'll much prefer doing something smaller with a few friends.

Personally, although I can see that it's an effort for you, I think it's quite sweet if she's still having whole-class parties at 9. I don't think it's necessarily "entitled" if you've set the expectation that this is what happens on her birthday - all the kids from her class get together and celebrate it with her.

I think the problem is that you keep ramping up the entertainment etc. Maybe do something a bit simpler and more alternative this year? My new favourite idea for parties (which I'm going to do for my DC's next birthday) is a cardboard box party but there are lots of other ideas that don't cost the earth.

Do what you want.

Mine have a party of some kind every year.

It's normal to celebrate someone's birthday every year. We definitely have a party every year, but I've never had a caterer or anything like that.

Your plans for your dd's birthday seem based around your wishes, rather than hers, and that seems unreasonable. I would have thought 9 is prime party age.

For a similar price to a nice meal out, can't you take a bunch of her friends to clip and climb, or a trampoline place? Activity parties are pretty low effort.

We offer them a party alternate years but not as extravagant as you describe. We’ve been upfront that a big class party costs as much as a holiday and it would have to be one or the other. Saying that, class parties are not the norm past 7 at our school and for 5th and 6th, majority of families hosted a class party once rather than both times.

You have set an expectation to date but she’s old enough to understand that it’s really hard going forward and while her birthday will be special, the previous parties are unsustainable

Did a party for my son's 4th birthday. For his 5th I've invited his class and a few extra friends. Hired a village hall for £40. Borrowing a friend's bouncy castle. Then will do nibbles myself. Did the same for his 4th and it wasn't stressful at all. Got to know some of the parents.

Thing is though you don't HAVE to throw a party. If I had 3 or 4 children I couldn't imagine it!

Our school has lots of foreigners..I guess it's 50% British 50% foreign. British families seem to celebrate birthdays every year , but it's more hit and miss with foreign ones. Quite a few try and get out of it.
No right or wrong. Just different.