Should kids have a birthday party each year?

[Todaysproblem]

I come from a completely different culture, so I don’t have a strong sense of what’s normal or not.

I only ever had one birthday party when I turned 7 and my parents didn’t provide a birthday cake, rather a few small shop bought cakes were served to the kids in our block of flats who came to our house. I never had a party since that one, no milestone birthday was ever acknowledged.

We celebrated every single birthday for our kids, first few birthdays were with friends and husband’s family (he’s got a similar background, never had a birthday party or cake until I started making a proper fuss to make up for it). As they grew older we invited all the classmates, except for the Covid years, when we couldn’t invite kids but I still went to town with decorations, elaborate cakes and surprises.

It’s been almost a decade and I find it all too exhausting, every year the expectations are higher and last year we ended up spending a fortune on caterers, entertainers and party decorators. My daughter is now turning 9 and I wanted us to do a few fun things during the day as a family, then dress up and go to a nice restaurant for dinner. Initially she seemed on board with this, but now she keeps saying she’s worried the birthday won’t be celebrated ‘properly’ and that her friends keep asking her to make sure they’re getting an invite to her upcoming party. I don’t want her to feel embarrassed or that the day will pass without a proper ‘bang’, but I really, really want a break from the enormous stress. I proposed that going forward we do the parties every other year, but she went all quiet and gloomy.

Is my idea of celebrating a quieter birthday outrageous? Am I going to regret not making a proper effort? All the kids in her class seem to have a party every single year, it’s always the whole class getting invited so most weekends there’s a kids birthday party taking place. Where do parents find the energy??

This is the perfect compromise. Fewer kids, a venue out so you can just sit back, get a nice cake to take with you. It isn't a great deal of hassle.

How does a class party cost as much as a holiday? Just curious what kind of party you're throwing!

Generally parties get smaller as they get older ime.

With my kids we've alternated parties and another sort of treat like going to the theatre (something they child themselves has asked to do!). I have 3 children and 3 big parties every year would tip me over the edge though! This year we had a class party for the 4yo (new class and she's the oldest) and the 9yo and 7yo are having parties at home with 8-12 friends each. They will be much more chilled out affairs with cake and games but no entertainers or caterers!

We're throwing a class party this year, unlike PP the church hall is £100 and bouncy castle £95! That's before sandwiches, ducks, cake etc for 30+ . Having said that up to this year (5) we've had a tea party way home for family and closest friends. We won't do whole class every year but he will do something with friends. By 9 isn't that often pizza express and a film, or bowling etc with a few friends of theirs?

Ducks?! Drinks....

Do your kids go to a private school? Catering, decorators etc sounds insanely fancy and expensive imo. It's fine to invite just her closest friends - a sleepover with her 5 closest sounds perfect. Nobody is friends with the whole class and fewer people mean that you can increase the cost per head (with domino's rather than supermarket pizza like you said) which is surely the point.
Offer her the smallest party package at a local venue (they cater, entertain and decorate ) or a similar idea to the sleepover which is more grown up and lasts longer than a normal party. Whole class parties are for the first year of school where people don't have fixed friends rather than later years where people have groups. Dressing up and going out is an adult party - I think that 9 year olds prefer something to do and are happy with less fancy restaurants like Nandos or Pizza Express.

Erm, that's a bit of a generalisation there. I'm 'foreign' and my son gets a party each year, as do lots of his foreign friends. Lots of British people don't throw parties. Very odd to say foreign people in general 'try to get out of' throwing parties...

I am also from a different culture and terrified of all this faff they do here. Especially party favours. What the hell? I don't buy party favours for guests attending my adult birthday. Why would I do this for the guests of my child?
When (and where) I was growing up, traditionally, the birthday boy/girl would take a couple of bags of sweets to school to share among the class in celebration of their birthday and then have a small gathering with close friends at home with a cake.

As they get older, parties stop being big (or at least they did for mine) and they do something smaller with just a few friends, like an activity or an outing somewhere. As you have set the expectation, I think you should let your daughter have a party, if she wants, at least until the end of primary school. When she's about 13, she will be able to make her own arrangements and you don't have to be involved, except for paying for it.

I mean, growing up, my brother and I had a birthday party every year up until we got to an age where what we wanted was something a bit different (eg a trip out with a smaller group of friends). BUT they weren't huge elaborate expensive affairs with caterers, decorators, entertainers etc. far from it, we're talking a birthday cake which my mum made, sandwiches, crisps, party rings, iced gems (I realise I'm showing my age....), jelly and ice cream, fizzy pop, some balloons and games of pass the parcel, musical bumps, musical statues, sleeping lions etc. So took a bit of organising and expense but not heaps and heaps.

It depends on the school. My DS attends a party at least once a month, often more, and was very disappointed not to have his own party last year so had one this year. It costs a lot in gifts and disrupts weekend routines so I feel your pain OP! Hopefully it won't be for much longer.

I think if you have always done something in the past, then she isn't wrong to think it will be the same this year. Maybe suck it up this year, but start to make the change and tell her that next year will be smaller. By the time she gets to secondary school she will probably want to do things with just close friends.

But as people say, there is middle ground between going for a pizza with friends, and a catered event with entertainment.

This is what my 8yo did, except I sent them home at 9pm to sleep.

She had one whole class party (well, all the girls plus friends from outside school) and then we have done smaller and smaller groups in the house each year as her friendship group gets more consistent.

Each of her friends has done one “event” type party and the rest of their parties in the house.

The level of parental involvement gets less and less each year. This year all I have done is bought a cake and some popcorn, stuck up some banners and balloons (which we do for birthdays whether it’s a party or not) and ordered a pizza.

We do a family party too, but that’s just immediate family members having wine, snacks and cake and swapping presents.

I never had parties as a child and neither did my friends. My daughter is 3, we've just had small gatgerings at home. I can't see us having big expensive paries, especially not to keep up with the Jones'- more like take a couple of friends skating or the cinema type things. You are the parent, you decide what the parameters are.

In my experience whole class parties (thankfully) petered out once kids have a more settled group of friends.
Then it becomes a smaller group doing a nice activity together - like bowling or cinema/pizza.
I think it's up to you to direct the choices available.

I have been to 100s of parties (4 kids) and not one of them had involved a party decorator?! That is ridiculous.

I think it's important that birthdays are always celebrated and that the child feels special every year, but that doesn't necessarily have to mean a party.

DD (9) had a party at home with 5 friends last year, which she loved but this year she has asked to go on a special day out to a particular attraction just us and her Brother instead. We will have the Grandparents, her Aunty and uncle and cousins over to the house for tea and cake afterwards, there will be balloons and decorations up so it feels special.

Over the years we've done small birthday sleepovers, a whole class party in a hired hall and taken a friend to a theme park. Our DS has just turned 5, he is Autistic and gets overwhelmed in large groups so we didn't want to do a party with his whole class when he had only just started Reception and still getting used to all the changes. We planned a special day out for him and a birthday tea with family instead and next year, when he has more established friendships, we will offer him a small party with a few friends because that will be more manageable for him, but if he doesn't want to we won't push it.

Some children find big parties overwhelming.
At every Reception whole-class party we've been to there has always been at least two children who just sat on the sidelines clinging to their parent not wanting to join in. I've also been to a couple of parties that were really extravagant and Instagramable but not actually much fun for the children. It should be about the children and not what the adults want.

No 9 year old wants to go for dinner with her parents to celebrate her birthday - she wants to have fun with her friends

I switched them from parties to outings at 8, eg 8 of them going to a pizza making place or 6 of them going to a safari park. This is only really an effort on the day, so less tiring.

But yes, you do need to pull your finger out for your kid’s birthday.

We had bigger parties in halls when they were in the first few years of primary but about age 8/9 it was less than 10 friends an activity centre - trampolining, go ape etc. by 11/12 it was a few friends pizza/film/sleep overs.
the parties my children liked the best at mid-late primary age were often swimming ones - do you have a local centre that has an inflatable run or something?

Also - it sounds like you are spending way too much on parties. No one needs a decorator, the food can be cheaply bought from the supermarket

My daughter is having her 10th birthday party this afternoon at our house. 7 friends, traditional party games, a few balloons, cake and party bags. Cheap and cheerful. Last year we spent more on an organised activity for 8 girls. Each year we do something but I don't feel the need to go one better each year.

Seems to be one or the other here, either every year or they've never had one, I'm talking about kids just turning 7 though.

From what you're describing, you're going majorly overboard which is why you don't want the hassle! Unfortunately your daughter has gotten use to that and who can blame her really, it's all she's known!

I wouldn't insist on a grown up birthday like you've suggested but a sleepover with her mates is more than enough for a normal level celebration

I think she’s a bit young to find sleepovers cool the way 11/12 year olds do.

Make it an outing - go to a pizza place where they can make pizza, or take them to a climbing wall followed by pizza

Yes, all they really need is a few sandwiches (or pizza if you're feeling extravagant), a bag of crisps, maybe some biscuits and juice/water.

My Dcs and all their friends had parties every year, but only ever 10-15 kids max. As they got older, the number of invitees reduced. By 9, I think we generally took them on activities eg indoor climbing, paintballing, kids escape rooms etc.