But is 'partner' an over-used word?

[horseyhorsey17]

Just a light-hearted thing but a bit of a bugbear of mine...it (very mildly) annoys me that people now use the word 'partner' where we would have said boy/girlfriend back in the 90s. You see it on here - someone has been on five dates and now refers to their date as their 'partner.' Partner to me implies a serious, committed, long-term relationship including co-habitation - if not you're not really 'partnering' are you?

I get that girl/boyfriend might not seem that appropriate for people dating in their 30s or older - and might not cover all options for how people identify - but 'partner' still makes me go 'urgh!'

Totally agree. When I was at college (16) I had a friend who would say “my partner” - no dear, he’s your boyfriend! I personally hate the term partner, but I understand why people use it instead of saying “granny’s got a new boyfriend” 😂

I use partner as we have been together for 15 years, have a mortgage and 2 kids together. Feels like we are past the "boyfriend" stage but we have never actually got married.

I agree it's silly to use for some one you have been seeing for a couple of months though!

Eh, what do I call him then?

He's been here 18 years (longer than my parents managed to remain married for), we've lived together most of that.

In my teens, yeah, boyfriend was fine but in my 40's, thats bloody stupid. He's not my fiance, my husband, my other half, he is my partner. If other people have issues with that term... that's a them problem, not a me problem!

I've always said me and DP are partners as I'd feel silly describing us as boyfriend and girlfriend at our ages. But I know exactly what you mean.

How could you possibly expect to understand anything ?

I think there are two different conversations here. One, the idea that a relationship if very short duration is not a 'partnership', which is fair enough and two, the idea that any relationship that doesn't involve cohabitation and shared finances can't be a partnership which is narrow minded, petty and pretty offensive, especially when women get slated on here all the time for blending families and risking their kids' security.

I think gentleman caller is woefully underused!

As a 42 year old with a 45 year old "partner/boyfriend" I've been with for 2 years i really struggle with a label.

We're both committed to a long term relationship, spend time with each others dc on a regular basis, holiday together, stay with each other 3 nights a week but aren't ready to move in together due to dc.

What do I call him?

I was long term single for 8 years and kept the relationship quiet in the early days as was skeptical. Obviously close family & friends have all met him but when it comes to new colleagues or if I'm chatting to a casual acquaintance I feel awkward using either boyfriend or partner.

Last time I had a boyfriend I was early 20s, then a husband, then spent years single. Either word makes me cringe!!

I also hate "other half/better half" as I'm a full person in my own right.

I don't mind lover if it's casual but it sounds a bit like what you'd call someone you have a mainly sexual relationship with. In my case he sees my Dd regularly and I can't imagine talking about "my lover" in her presence, or introducing someone as "my lover" in front of her. Think she'd die of embarrassment lol

I have no issue with people who use partner to mean a person with whom they live as if married. It is ok for long term couples who deliberately don't cohabit but are in long term committed relationships and have entwined their lives too.

I find it a bit odd as a term for a boyfriend or girlfriend. You aren't really partners if you don't have joint lives. Perhaps we need to bring back "ladyfriend" and "gentleman friend", for those too grown up to have/be a boyfriend/girlfriend.

I was coming on to say just this! Of course it's fine for everyone to use whatever words they like about themselves and I'd never try and police this in real life or comment. Personally I don't think you need shared finances or housing or whatever to be in a 'partnership', but I do find it quite confusing and discordant when people use 'partner' for relationships which are quite clearly short term, casual or uncommitted, and downright odd when people refer to children or very young adults as having 'partners'. Personally I think there's nothing wrong with using boy/girlfriend at whatever age when it's a dating/casual relationship, but if people really find that cringey/immature then what's wrong with saying "the (wo)man I'm dating/seeing/in a relationship with" if you need to refer to/define them to someone else?

@Isittimeformynapyet "How could you possibly expect to understand anything ?"

Absolutely. It's as if the word "context" hadn't been invented....

Sorry meant to quote this!

Quite! You can't win this one can you.

If you move in with a bloke you're damaging your children. If you don't move in with him you're frivolous and uncommitted.

"Partner" implies some sort of level of commitment and shared lives. So completely appropriate for 30 year relationships, for people cohabiting with shared finances, shared children etc. Basically anyone who's life is exactly as if they were married but without having gone through the legal process of marriage.

But it does seem to be increasingly used by people who live separately, have separate finances, separate children, separate lives - in essence people who aren't actually partners in any aspect of their lives. And it does often seem to be used to try to give the impression that the relationship is more serious than it is. Often "person I'm dating/seeing" would be more appropriate.

And surely "in-laws" that a PP mention is just not correct if you're not married. Surely the "law" bit of in-law specifically relates to the legal state of marriage? You can't be related to someone by marriage if you're not married!

But obviously, people can use whatever term to describe themselves/their relationships that they like.

In general though, I don't automatically assume that when someone says "partner" that they are necessarily in a committed relationship, because so many people now use it to describe casual/non committed relationships. TBH, the only thing that it is almost certain to denote is "not married".

My gentleman friend and I use these terms.

Well, I was going to suggest context, but I felt you'd already ruled that out.

Anyway, I'd love to chat but I'm off to see the Bay City Rollers 😜

I do think it's misleading if they're not living together.

But my non cohabitee partner and I share goals, ideas, time together, we support each other through ups and downs both practical and emotional. The only reason we don't currently live together is children in the mix and for me, as stated previously, a caution related to past experience. Why are people so obsessed with the idea that you have to financial ties to someone to be properly, emotionally committed?

See I get your gist but I'm not sure I agree. Sure, marriage rates are going down but I'm not sure widespread use of the word partner is a (contributing) cause so much a side effect. Surely the cause is that it's increasingly socially acceptable to be in a long term, committed relationship, including cohabiting and raising children without being married, and people just happen to call this being 'partners'.

Whether that's a good thing on the whole for women or not is debatable, personally I think it is, yes there's men screwing women over by promising commitment then upping and leaving them (and their children) with little practical or financial support, but let's face it plenty of men were completely screwing women (financially and in every other way), promising marriage etc then pissing off before it became socially acceptable to live (and sleep!) together without being married. At least now we don't have the social stigma of being a single mother or 'damaged goods' just because you wanted or were pushed to sleep with your boyfriend before marriage (as was sadly very much the case within living memory), not do we have women essentially pushed to marry potentially dicey men without the chance to try living together or being in a longer term relationship first. So personally I'll take the chance the have a legally ambiguous 'partnership' over it being a binary choice between marriage and nothing! But yes ofc people should know what the law says and not delude themselves partnership is the same as marriage either...

@Isittimeformynapyet "Anyway, I'd love to chat but I'm off to see the Bay City Rollers"
I have no idea what you mean. Road rollers or hair rollers.....

@SalmonBelongInTheWater The "sheen" of husband and wife????? I have no words.

I also admit to being 🤔when people on here refer to the 15yo that their 15yo has been seeing for two months as their "partner".

I think I'd quite like the opportunity to go retro with "companion" or "gentleman caller". Or, like the great Carolyn Knapp-Shappey-Shipwright, my Man I Know.

I use "partner" when I need/want to be taken more seriously! E.g. asking HR at work "can I add my live-in partner to my health insurance" - I want to put across that I'm a serious person in a serious relationship making a reasonable request. Or when my GP asked about my relationship status, I said "I have a partner" as it was a more economical than "well I've been living with my boyfriend for four years and we have a dog and share a car and some finances but aren't married and we don't have kids yet."

In any other setting, including anything social, I use "boyfriend" - yes it sounds a bit "fun" as PP have said but that's part of why I like it, lol. The exception is mumsnet funnily enough, just because writing "DP" seems to flow better!

No, you can absolutely have a committed relationship with a boyfriend, you can expect them to support you emotionally, but the level of the support is different when you are living with someone as you have that financial commitment too and it increases the amount of trust.