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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend making other plans the first night I arrive during every visit

74 replies

KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:08

This has happened twice in the last year. We've been good friends for over 15 years, shes always been there through ups and downs and I do the same. For maybe 6 years now I visit her once a year in Italy where she now lives permanently.

In the past I/my ex/mutual friends stayed with her & her partner but since they separated
I stay in a hotel as she is now in a smaller place and just doesn't have the space.

Last year she cancelled at the last minute on the first night of my arrival because her then partner was ill. I was ready to go out for dinner with her & upset to be let down. The rest of the trip was great.

This month I visited again & although she had the dates I was visiting recorded and said she was free and looking forward, the day before she told me she was now helping her new boyfriend move house and was not available that night. I was annoyed but let it slide and again the rest of the trip was great.

Bear in mind I've flown hundreds of miles to see her...

YANBU - it's unacceptable and rude
YANBU - life happens/no big deal

OP posts:
Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:20

In the examples I gave we've had a small argument both times and recovered quickly, enjoying the rest of the trip.

But it's still not nice to start the trip off on the wrong foot.

When it happened last week I admit we both had a bit to drink and I ended up saying 'there's always something with you every time im here.' I regret saying it, she said shes a people pleaser and doesn't want to let anyone down so tries to please everyone. It makes me wonder whether to keep visiting, but I know if I don't the friendship will fade.

OP posts:
doctorinauniform · 05/10/2023 21:27

How long are your visits?

Iwillnotdancewiththedevil · 05/10/2023 21:31

So it's every visit? Which in reality is only twice?
If the rest of the time it's ok, I'd let it go tbh! Twice isn't a big deal.

griegwithhimandhim · 05/10/2023 21:32

Unfortunately, life does sometimes get in the way when you are expecting visitors from overseas. They are coming for a holiday, yet real life for you continues just the same. We have family abroad and when they come back here to see extended family they do tend to have a habit of expecting us to be able to drop everything to fit in with their availability, rather than appreciate that for us, our lives are continuing as normal and we are not the ones on holiday.

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:33

@doctorinauniform usually 3-4 nights. This time it was 4 nights, so the first night was missed and the other 3 were fine.

OP posts:
Densol57 · 05/10/2023 21:33

I have a friend ….. ex friend like that. Got on my nerves in the end.

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:34

@Iwillnotdancewiththedevil I've visited her many times in different cities. At that time she was with her partner and they had lots of space so I'd stay with them. I was staying with her so she couldn't really decide to up and do something else, leaving me at home alone. Or with whoever id brought.

Whereas it seems to be since I stay at hotels it's easy to just not see me

OP posts:
doctorinauniform · 05/10/2023 21:38

It's really hard to tell if anyone is being UR from the information you've given.

I mean, is she inviting you over there or are you inviting yourself?

I don't think her partner being sick is her 'making other plans'.

It's tough. Maybe it's just too much for her. I wouldn't want an annual visitor for four days, sorry. It would be no reflection on you, just how I feel.

Ilovelurchers · 05/10/2023 21:40

Is your plan and preference to spend pretty much the whole of your stay in the country with her each time. Obviously not while you are sleeping, but nearly all the rest of the time?

Not saying this is wrong of course, but if it was me I would find that a bit intense, even with close friends/families, and value a night to myself just to do my own thing. Could your friend feel the same? Tho perhaps not now you have rowed about it....

I do think falling out with her over two nights seems drastic if she is otherwise a good friend. If the rest of the holiday was lovely, and she went out of her way to spend time with you, she clearly cares about you.

DamnUserName21 · 05/10/2023 21:41

It would piss me off especially if she was the sole reason I was visiting.

Unless, of course, her boyfriend was hospital-worthy ill and the boyfriend's house move was at 8pm at night and it was essential she be there, they sound like lame reasons for cancelling.

IfYouDontAsk · 05/10/2023 21:42

It’s really rude of her when you’re going to a lot of effort and expense to visit her.

I know you said “she had the dates recorded” but the only way I’d find this more understandable is if you’re booking the dates and then telling her when you’re visiting, rather than running the dates by her before you book….But I’m clutching at straws a bit. I don’t think I’d bother visiting her any time soon. Let her come to you if she wants to continue the friendship.

MetaverseMavis · 05/10/2023 21:45

Maybe next year make your own evening arrangements nights 1 and 3 so she doesn't feel burdoned

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:47

For clarity @doctorinauniform she invited me over a few months before I booked this time. Her exact words were 'You tell me the dates you want to come that month and I'll make sure I'm free.' We then agreed dates together. And last year she invited me and said 'please come back soon!' as we said goodbye.

I don't expect to spend every moment together but should she be so encouraging if she's going to cancel nights here and there?

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 05/10/2023 21:47

I'd look a bit deeper.

Is it that her boyfriend doesn't like it when you visit? Basically doesn't like her spending time with you or other people that come over? Perhaps he comes up with something so that she's stuck between a rock and a hard place? Then she's a people pleaser so let's down the person who she thinks will understand - you?

She's your friend. Be hers as well by making sure the boyfriend isn't too controlling.

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:52

@Ilovelurchers not really, no. I expect to see her some of the time and do my own thing the rest of the time.

That's generally what happens. During this trip we had a nice dinner and drinks out til late in my 3rd night. So I then said I can do my own thing on the last night, no problem. But she still insisted on meeting for goodbye drinks which we did.

On the other hand I feel @IfYouDontAsk and @DamnUserName21 have hit the nail on the head with how I feel. I visit every time at my expense. She has actually lost a mutual friend who was angry that she never visited our country anymore. My friend is wounded by this but she actually said to me 'but surely my country is a bit more exciting to visit?'. Ffs, it's about the friends, not the place!

OP posts:
doctorinauniform · 05/10/2023 21:56

I think she's just not as in to you as you are to her, so spend your money going on a lovely holiday somewhere else instead.

autiebooklover · 05/10/2023 21:59

I'd say one of two things is happening, either she's not that invested in you coming anymore so doesn't make effort.

Or she doesn't know how to say no when others ask things of her, such as the house move. Which in that case she's prioritising their feelings over yours.

saraclara · 05/10/2023 22:04

I'm not sure why you expect her to be available on that first night, if she's around for the next three, and you say you don't expect to be joined at the hip anyway.

Personally I'd prefer to have the first night after the journey to settle in and have a little explore. But even if I didn't, I'm not sure why it's a big deal if she's around the rest of the time.

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 22:07

@autiebooklover I thought this at first after night one cancellation. I thought 'ah this is how it's going to be' but then for all remaining days she made plans & messaged throughout the day until we met booking different things.

@doctorinauniform I think this is probably true, or at least she takes people for granted.

When our mutual friend had enough of her and didn't invite to her wedding, I think she was heart broken. But she hadn't visited us in so long, our friend was sick of it.

I know that when the chips are down, she'll be there. We've been friends since teenagers & in our 30s now, so many shared memories.

I went through an awful break up 4 years ago at a time when I was suffering with endometriosis as well. She brought me hot water bottles & meals every day and supported me. She's been there for me through every bereavement. I've done the same for her.

I would hate to lose this friendship but I also hate that she never visits. That the friendship would probably die if I didn't keep it going.

OP posts:
Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 22:09

Maybe 1) I just need to relax my trip expectations @saraclara if I want to continue the friendship.

But I doubt I'll visit next year. I don't want to lose this friendship but I'm tired of being the only one who visits.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 05/10/2023 22:13

She is a flaky shit giving crap reasons to not meet you. Drop like a hot brick.

MillenialAvocado · 05/10/2023 23:22

Hmm I would find that annoying and rude tbh, given you've travelled such a long way to see her and are only there a few nights. Saying that, if things are otherwise good then I wouldn't end a friendship over it. Does she come to visit you?

Catsmere · 06/10/2023 03:42

I'd drop anyone who cancelled when I'd flown to meet them as agreed because of a new boyfriend moving house, or anything else to do with new boyfriend for that matter.

MariaLuna · 06/10/2023 03:56

She's more interested in her latest squeeze than you coming to visit.

Fair enough, she has her own life there.

Book a hotel next time, so you can meet up when it suits you both.

I live in a tourist town but can't be available when people decide to visit, what with work, parenthood etc. They have to accept that I'm not available according to their schedule. They have to fit into mine with compromise on both sides.

verdantverdure · 06/10/2023 04:20

Is the theme that she will always drop a friend for a boyfriend?

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