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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend making other plans the first night I arrive during every visit

74 replies

KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:08

This has happened twice in the last year. We've been good friends for over 15 years, shes always been there through ups and downs and I do the same. For maybe 6 years now I visit her once a year in Italy where she now lives permanently.

In the past I/my ex/mutual friends stayed with her & her partner but since they separated
I stay in a hotel as she is now in a smaller place and just doesn't have the space.

Last year she cancelled at the last minute on the first night of my arrival because her then partner was ill. I was ready to go out for dinner with her & upset to be let down. The rest of the trip was great.

This month I visited again & although she had the dates I was visiting recorded and said she was free and looking forward, the day before she told me she was now helping her new boyfriend move house and was not available that night. I was annoyed but let it slide and again the rest of the trip was great.

Bear in mind I've flown hundreds of miles to see her...

YANBU - it's unacceptable and rude
YANBU - life happens/no big deal

OP posts:

Namerequired · 06/10/2023 11:32

A bit of both. You are going to see her, not a holiday where you might meet up with her, so I do think she is obligated to spend that time with you. Especially as it’s only 4nights and she specifically said to give her the dates and she would clear her schedule.
However her partner being sick trumps things so I would let her away with that one. The 2nd time however she was in the wrong.

EightChalk · 06/10/2023 11:32

YANBU. "People pleasers" are an absolute pain in the arse as there's always someone they end up upsetting, and if it's you, it generally means that you're the person they mind upsetting the least. It's not a nice feeling to be on the receiving end of.

stayathomer · 06/10/2023 11:33

Agree that it's probably that you both just have different ideas of the visit, plus she has 'real life' going on while you're on holiday if you know what I mean(but in you head you're doing the leg work by travelling which is also fair enough). It's like living together-holiday plans can drive two people apart. I don't think I'd agree that you should take a step back from the friendship but if you do you do

Beccin · 06/10/2023 11:46

We’re in a similar situation but from the other perspective. We live in the UK but are from abroad. We have visits from overseas about twice a month from different friends and family members. While we appreciate that people take the the time and money to visit us, we’re not on holiday while they’re staying with us. We still have work/school/ other obligations. I do appreciate that you’re only there to visit but that’s your friend’s life. When we visit friends and family I don’t expect them to stop there life for me every time, especially as I’ve lived abroad for many years. Try to understand while I’m sure she appreciate’s your visit she’s not on holiday and can’t stop her life for you.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 06/10/2023 11:47

I'd wonder if she really would have your back now to be honest. She seems uninterested in visiting you at all, so it feels like a friendship that isn't too important to her, or one where she wants you to put the effort in.

I'd be disappointed if on the first night a friend made other plans.

The next time you talk to her, suggest a short break somewhere else next time, or that she visits you. That will tell you everything you need to know about the friendship, and can guide you in the amount of time you put aside for her generally.

DangerousAlchemy · 06/10/2023 11:58

MariaLuna · 06/10/2023 03:56

She's more interested in her latest squeeze than you coming to visit.

Fair enough, she has her own life there.

Book a hotel next time, so you can meet up when it suits you both.

I live in a tourist town but can't be available when people decide to visit, what with work, parenthood etc. They have to accept that I'm not available according to their schedule. They have to fit into mine with compromise on both sides.

Not sure you read all OP's updates tbh. She does stay in a hotel. She agrees dates with her friend before she books etc.

Sundance03 · 06/10/2023 12:22

In the past I stayed at my friends for visits and friends stayed at ours too. We have never expected our friends to spend every minute with us and vice versa. It's too draining and tbh..... Although I love seeing friends.... if I could choose to stay in a hotel I would. I've reached a point in my life where I need switch off have some alone time.

Sundance03 · 06/10/2023 12:24

Friendships also Come and go, life gets in the way sometimes... and although I love my friends and spending time with them... if I was being honest my family come first.

rookiemere · 06/10/2023 12:31

OP isn't asking her friend to put her life aside for the entire duration of her stay, read her posts. She does however want her friend to spend time with her on her first evening there, considering she has spent time and money coming to visit.
Sounds as if the friend puts her latest boyfriend first. I can just about see not coming out if the boyfriend is ill, but for moving surely she could have left for at least a couple of hours for a quick drink on the first evening of her friends visit.

And it doesn't really matter that it's Italy and not Skegness, OP has presumably seen the sights that exist already and sitting on your own for a meal is the same regardless of where you are ( granted food might be better in Italy).

burnoutbabe · 06/10/2023 12:37

Do people really cancel seeing friends due to their partner being sick?

I mean I get if it's kids but what 1 day illness needs a girlfriend in attendence?

I'd find it rude.

Bruisername · 06/10/2023 12:52

Agree about the sickness. Sure if he’s hospitalised but if it’s just a flu or something I wouldn’t sit by his bed mopping his brow!

Goldfish41 · 06/10/2023 13:07

Another friend visits me once or twice a year. My life goes on as I'm also working but I make time for her and I can't imagine ever telling her she has to do her own thing on night one. What kind of welcome would that be?

You have that once or twice a year though, remember (unless you are also living abroad) that she will have that with everyone in her life. Honestly as someone who has been in that situation it starts to get really difficult, reserving all your time for those visitors isn’t possible and you feel pulled in all directions because you want to be a great host but also have to deal with ongoing demands/pressures of normal life.

Goldfish41 · 06/10/2023 13:09

She agrees dates with her friend before she books etc

That doesn’t mean the friend can keep all of that time aside or prevent things from arising during those periods.

Bruisername · 06/10/2023 13:12

I guess if the friend values the relationship she would go back and visit op too and reduce the burden on the op. If she wants to spend time with op how does she propose doing that? OP is spending money and using holiday to prioritise the friendship. Surely the friend can give her the evenings she is there as a minimum.

perhaps you need to say to her that you love spending time with her but the expense and time you are giving up is too great for the time she is spending with you.

Elaina87 · 06/10/2023 14:59

It's annoying but I'd let it go as long as she was there the rest of the trip. You've said she's a people ppleaserso is probably spinning plates trying to please everyone.

stichguru · 06/10/2023 17:30

Honestly you've visited twice and both times something has cropped up on the first night, but the rest of the trip has been great. You are reading WAY to much into this. I can see it's irritating, but maybe don't be so self centred. I guess the moving one, she didn't have to help, but maybe she'd said to her friend - "I'll be there for moving day" and then moving day cropped up at a different time from expected. If she's then said "oh actually, I can't help" that would have been letting her friend who was expecting her help down, which would have been worse than letting you down. DO you control when your family are ill?!

Mummytotheboy · 06/10/2023 18:59

I would let the friendship naturally run out of road. Its easy for me to say that as although I have a handful of friends that make an effort for me and me for them I'm a natural loner. I don't have an issue with my own company or doing things by myself that some couldn't even consider like cinema trips, concerts, shows, holidays, meals out etc. So if I'm in a one sided friendship I will naturally just let it fizzle out by making less and less effort. Like I said though it's easy for me as its not that I don't care, it is sad when friendships come to end but I see it as if they cannot make the same effort as I do then they don't feel the same as I do so it's time to say bye

Mumof3children · 06/10/2023 19:00

OP was she living in the same town as you when she was so helpful? I think many friendships can be very close when the 2 people live near each other, but when the distance becomes greater they don’t tend to “drop everything” anymore. That’s not to say you’re no longer good friends, the dynamics are just different. Also, the fact you’re not staying with her might give her the impression you don’t want to spend all the time with her.
As an aside, have you considered that she was probably a great host when you were staying with her as she is (in her own words) “a people pleaser”?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 07/10/2023 02:57

I would keep the friendship as it sounds like you have been friends for a very long time and you also pointed out how good she was to you and visa versa. I think maybe the new boyfriend is giving her grief for visiting you and that is why she cancelled that first nights. But you did say you saw her the rest of the few days you were there. The next time you go do not arrange to see her the first night, relax after the journey and see her the next day. Or maybe you could both arrange a trip in a different city that you both have never been to. Also she may just not have the cash to travel back, could that be a reason why she does not visit home. Good friends hard to come by and especially those who you have been through so much with.

WillyWonkaBlues · 07/10/2023 03:04

She's clearly giving you a message. Take heed. As for her visiting, going abroad costs money. I think it's strange how people expect others to travel, especially in the middle of a pandemic and with the cost of living is now painful for many.

Casperroonie · 07/10/2023 16:15

It sounds as if she's trying g to give you a hint.....

Original poster

KeiraKnightley2 · 08/10/2023 15:39

@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants I think this is what I'll do in the end. Book a similar amount of days but be flexible about the first night.

She has messaged me multiple times this week, sending links to things we talked about and asking how my first week back was. I know she cares but she does have a bit of an attitude where her whims (or boyfriend's) whims come first..

I may as well accept she won't change. I don't think I'll visit next year/travel to see other friends & see if ever she reciprocates although likely I'll be waiting a long time. I'm not going to throw the friendship away - but will step back a back to see if she steps forward.

OP posts:

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/10/2023 20:19

To KieraKnightley2 good least you have made a decision and book something nice for yourself next year as you said. She seems to just get involved in relationships that it takes over her life. You sound lovely and caring and wishing you well.

disaggregate · 20/05/2024 21:13

KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:33

@doctorinauniform usually 3-4 nights. This time it was 4 nights, so the first night was missed and the other 3 were fine.

so you need to see her 4/4 nights? Is that not a bit much? If you think the friendship will fade otherwise, sounds like she's not as into it as you are

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