Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend making other plans the first night I arrive during every visit

74 replies

KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:08

This has happened twice in the last year. We've been good friends for over 15 years, shes always been there through ups and downs and I do the same. For maybe 6 years now I visit her once a year in Italy where she now lives permanently.

In the past I/my ex/mutual friends stayed with her & her partner but since they separated
I stay in a hotel as she is now in a smaller place and just doesn't have the space.

Last year she cancelled at the last minute on the first night of my arrival because her then partner was ill. I was ready to go out for dinner with her & upset to be let down. The rest of the trip was great.

This month I visited again & although she had the dates I was visiting recorded and said she was free and looking forward, the day before she told me she was now helping her new boyfriend move house and was not available that night. I was annoyed but let it slide and again the rest of the trip was great.

Bear in mind I've flown hundreds of miles to see her...

YANBU - it's unacceptable and rude
YANBU - life happens/no big deal

OP posts:
avocadonny · 06/10/2023 04:36

griegwithhimandhim · 05/10/2023 21:32

Unfortunately, life does sometimes get in the way when you are expecting visitors from overseas. They are coming for a holiday, yet real life for you continues just the same. We have family abroad and when they come back here to see extended family they do tend to have a habit of expecting us to be able to drop everything to fit in with their availability, rather than appreciate that for us, our lives are continuing as normal and we are not the ones on holiday.

I live abroad and a lot of my friends/family from back home come and meet me in this new country. I agree fully with what you said - I try my best to be a good friend/family member/tour guide/(sometimes) host, but my real life has to go on because I'm not on holiday. Most people want to independently explore the country or visit other friends at some point anyway.

I do think maybe you see it more as a visit visit (repetition intended) where the sole and main purpose is to see her, whereas she also thinks a big part of your coming is to travel and see the city.

Maybe to her, the fact that you're staying in a hotel (instead of her house like previously, where you said she was a good host who didn't leave you alone ever) creates the impression of the latter too.

Catsmere · 06/10/2023 04:58

verdantverdure · 06/10/2023 04:20

Is the theme that she will always drop a friend for a boyfriend?

That's certainly the impression I get.

Oblomov23 · 06/10/2023 05:38

This is insulting. Unfortunately I think you need to just take a step back from this friendship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2023 06:18

I don’t think it’s great. The main thing is it’s been on the first night both times, which is strange. This would irk me somewhat due to the timing. Is she having multiple visitors every year? This may be wearing for her. I think taking a step back for both your sakes would be a good idea.

Bluetrue · 06/10/2023 06:31

griegwithhimandhim · 05/10/2023 21:32

Unfortunately, life does sometimes get in the way when you are expecting visitors from overseas. They are coming for a holiday, yet real life for you continues just the same. We have family abroad and when they come back here to see extended family they do tend to have a habit of expecting us to be able to drop everything to fit in with their availability, rather than appreciate that for us, our lives are continuing as normal and we are not the ones on holiday.

This 100%

TheBushOfYourGarden · 06/10/2023 07:17

KeiraKnightley2 · 05/10/2023 21:52

@Ilovelurchers not really, no. I expect to see her some of the time and do my own thing the rest of the time.

That's generally what happens. During this trip we had a nice dinner and drinks out til late in my 3rd night. So I then said I can do my own thing on the last night, no problem. But she still insisted on meeting for goodbye drinks which we did.

On the other hand I feel @IfYouDontAsk and @DamnUserName21 have hit the nail on the head with how I feel. I visit every time at my expense. She has actually lost a mutual friend who was angry that she never visited our country anymore. My friend is wounded by this but she actually said to me 'but surely my country is a bit more exciting to visit?'. Ffs, it's about the friends, not the place!

How old are you op?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2023 07:21

I agree too @Bluetrue lived abroad in various places for about a decade so I know what it is to have visitors and to visit others when home.

SoIinvictus · 06/10/2023 07:25

Agree with ops pointing out that your friend is not on holiday. She has a life out there and life stuff gets in the way.

DuvetsAndDreams · 06/10/2023 07:25

The first night thing would not bother me. I am independent and like doing my own thing.

The never visiting you would irritate me though. The fact she expects others to visit and never reciprocates.

MyCircumference · 06/10/2023 07:27

i dont know how to vote
i assume coincidence

N4ish · 06/10/2023 07:28

Also agree with people saying visitors can have unrealistic expectations. I love when friends visit my city but I also have kids and a full time job! It’s just not possible for me to rearrange everything to spend 5 days in a row with a visitor.

Bruisername · 06/10/2023 07:34

N4ish · 06/10/2023 07:28

Also agree with people saying visitors can have unrealistic expectations. I love when friends visit my city but I also have kids and a full time job! It’s just not possible for me to rearrange everything to spend 5 days in a row with a visitor.

I think this is different though. They obviously both want to see each other but the friend refuses to visit. So that leaves the OP having to go to the same place every year - costing money and holiday days. Op clearly isn’t going as a tourist but to spend time with her friend. If her friend doesn’t want to do that then she shouldn’t expect OP to visit. I am not surprised OP is resentful.

saraclara · 06/10/2023 07:48

In the past I/my ex/mutual friends stayed with her

Yep. On re-reading it sounds like she has a lot of people visiting her for her location as much as anything. If she even had four lots of visitors a year, it's not like she can have as many trips to visit them. It would use all her time off simply to go back to her old country to make those mirror visits. She wouldn't have any other holiday.

So yes, if you're going to visit someone who lives in a holiday destination, you have to accept that their life still goes on, and that unless you're their only visitor from home, they're not going to be able to match your visits. I imagine that they also have family visiting then as well as you and your mutual friends. It can soon add up. Especially since you've been at least twice in the last year

Bruisername · 06/10/2023 07:50

In the past I/my ex/mutual friends stayed with her

I think op means when she has visited in the past she has either visited with her Eco or mutual friends. Not that the friend has all these people visiting at different times

OlizraWiteomQua · 06/10/2023 08:00

I think you have clearly asymmetric expectations and haven't talked properly about them.

In her mind, you are coming to Italy on holiday, and want to spend some time with her while you are there, which she is happy to do. However, she's not on holiday she's just living her life. She knows you do your own thing some of the time and aren't expecting to be with her every waking hour. Maybe her own preference when travelling is to have a quiet and restful evening alone on arrival to recover from the journey so doesn't regard your arrival day as part of your available time. She doesn't regard you as "visiting her" as such.

If you want to keep up the friendship I suggest you ask her to have a holiday with you somewhere else entirely like eg Greece or Spain (or ask her to suggest a place she's interested in visiting) so that you can both be On Holiday together and neither of you is in "normal life" mode. If she's not interested in that idea, she may just not like you that much in which case that's useful information too.

rookiemere · 06/10/2023 08:11

I would find it annoying.

I get it's her home town and home life, but OP has spent money and holiday allowance to get there. I'm sure she is perfectly capable of spending time alone, but when you arrive it's nice to have the friend you have made all this effort for available to see you on your first evening.

Mind you I'm not sure some people appreciate that their friends are 90% making the trip to see them. We went abroad mostly to visit a friend with a terminal illness and plans with her DH got cancelled at the last minute because a job came in. I get that he is self employed and they need the money, but he didn't really apologise for it and DH and DS were stuck in a non touristy area with little to do.

Generally now we visit peoples area as part of a wider plan and work on the basis that one night good and two night max to see them.

Original poster
KeiraKnightley2 · 06/10/2023 09:39

This is it @rookiemere. I'm happy to do my own thing as well but you're excited to see them that first evening. In the first case she cancelled an hour before dinner was planned which was disappointing.

Another friend visits me once or twice a year. My life goes on as I'm also working but I make time for her and I can't imagine ever telling her she has to do her own thing on night one. What kind of welcome would that be?

@OlizraWiteomQua I think that's a great idea. I'm happy to suggest it and the response will be telling no doubt. She did say she might visit here at New Year but I doubt it. It's been 4 years since she was here.

OP posts:
TheBerry · 06/10/2023 10:24

It’s only happened twice though?

First time, her partner was sick! Imagine if you were feeling really poorly and your partner was like sorry babe I’m out with my friends seeya.

YABU massively to be upset over that. The only correct response is “oh no I’m sorry he’s ill, hope he’s better soon”.

Second time (actually the first time because the other time doesn’t count) then yes she should have made sure she was free when she said she was. However, life sometimes does get in the way, and it was only one time, so let her off.

I clicked the wrong button as I expect a few people have because you wrote YANBU for both options but… I think YABU.

OlizraWiteomQua · 06/10/2023 10:44

@KeiraKnightley2 She did say she might visit here at New Year but I doubt it. It's been 4 years since she was here.

don't expect much of that, if it happens. Even if you are in her top 5 favourite friends if she's not been back for 4 years she would have to spread herself pretty thin to get time with everyone she would want to see. We have friends who emigrated to America and have a holiday here once every 3 years or so - and when they come we are lucky if we get an afternoon tea with then while they are en route between different branches of their family, and some visits they've not been able to squeeze us in at all, or only as part of a big group gathering with multiple families. That wouldn't be something to take umbrage at.

meganorks · 06/10/2023 10:48

I think YABU. It's not 'every time', it's twice. Both times seem like valid reasons for 1 night. I personally wouldn't expect to spend every minute with someone if I was visiting someone. I would think I would spend some time with them and then sometime doing my own thing while they are getting on with their day to day life. You said the rest of the trip was good, so is that not enough? If its not, then don't go again. But personally I would love to have a friend in Italy to go and visit

Goldfish41 · 06/10/2023 10:51

griegwithhimandhim · 05/10/2023 21:32

Unfortunately, life does sometimes get in the way when you are expecting visitors from overseas. They are coming for a holiday, yet real life for you continues just the same. We have family abroad and when they come back here to see extended family they do tend to have a habit of expecting us to be able to drop everything to fit in with their availability, rather than appreciate that for us, our lives are continuing as normal and we are not the ones on holiday.

This. Having lived abroad a lot I have often found it quite stressful/ a juggle when people visit, they’re on holiday and expect you to drop everything but you’re not, you are working/doing life as normal.

Also generally if someone is staying in a hotel rather than with you, that to me sets up the expectation that they will amuse themselves at times? They’re visiting, but not being hosted by you. Maybe she has found it a bit intense and tricky that you expect her to be a full time host for the whole time.

viques · 06/10/2023 10:57

So it is ok for you to say you want to do your own thing on the last night , but not for her to help someone who is ill or someone who is moving. Not a very equal relationship!

Mikimoto · 06/10/2023 10:57

Im tired of being the only one who visits.

Well, quite.
Why should it be you that goes to gorgeous Italy, when she
could come and see you in November in Cleckhuddersfax?

Bruisername · 06/10/2023 11:04

But so what if italy is gorgeous - the op has been multiple times. She’s not goibg as a tourist but as a friend.

if her friend wants to maintain friendships then she should appreciate the effort being made it just say she’s not bothered. At the moment the op is doing all the running and beating all the cost in terms of time and money. I don’t see why the friend living in a tourist location makes that any different than if she lived in bognor

Middleagedmeangirls · 06/10/2023 11:06

I think YABU. You went for 4 nights and she spent 3 with you. That's pretty good going, she obviously likes you and enjoys your company to spend three nights in a row with you. I don't think it makes much difference whether it's the first night or any other ones that she is too busy to see you.

I'm going to Spain next week staying in a complex about 20 minutes drive from family. It's not an area I'd visit if they weren't there. I picked it so that as part of my holiday I'll be able to see them. They know when I'm arriving and when I'm going back and when I arrive I'll fit in with whatever their commitments are for the week. I doubt I'll see them 3 nights in a row though!