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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Whoever cooks must also clean?

70 replies

survivor9 · 05/10/2023 20:00

Hi how do you divide your chores

my husband said as it’s my idea to cook and I cook most nights that I should clean as “he didn’t ask me to cook”

is he being very inflexible ? He acts annoyed when I ask for help. I have spd hip pelvic pain from current pregnancy and low mood.
i also agreed months ago to visit his family in the Middle East in exchange for a baby but now I have the spd pain I don’t want to travel when I’m 7m preg as it’s Yorkshire - London- Istanbul -iraq about 12h travel time
he said I must go as I “promised” and he will be annoyed if I don’t.
if I tell my parents I’m pregnant they will likely agree that the trip is unnecessary as my husbands parents visited last winter but not his siblings have met the kids.

OP posts:
LookingForPurpose · 05/10/2023 20:01

So he "purchased" a baby from you with the promise of you visiting his family?

Good lord.

Flipflopflopflip · 05/10/2023 20:03

You agreed to visit his family in exchange for a baby? Huh? The pair of you have bigger issues than who should cook and who should clean.

Blueeyes13 · 05/10/2023 20:03

He only agreed to have a baby if you agreed to see his family in the middle east 😱😱😱 seriously, or have I read that wrong. Also, I cook and DH does the washing up.

portugalq · 05/10/2023 20:03

Of course not. That rule is for people for take equal turns at cooking and one is much messier than the other so they clear up after themselves.

What does your husband do around the house otherwise?

A baby for a trip sounds transactional. Is that how most decisions are made?

I don’t think you should feel any pressure to travel to Iraq (is it safe?) but certainly not when you’re pregnant. How far along are you?

FlowerPower12345 · 05/10/2023 20:03

In exchange for a baby? Hmm

Your husband sounds like an abusive that and the washing up is the least of it.

KezzaMucklowe · 05/10/2023 20:06

The problem here is not the chores.

MissingMoominMamma · 05/10/2023 20:06

You haven’t told your parents that you’re pregnant?

Oh, and if you didn’t cook, would he?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2023 20:09

There is a lot of very messed stuff in your post op. Not the cook/wash up thing. Do you realise that?

MassageForLife · 05/10/2023 20:12

I do all the chores. But then I live alone.

I can highly recommend that, op. Living alone is pretty damn good.

GrumpyPanda · 05/10/2023 20:16

Ok so you agreed to go see his folks. Did you specify when? Methinks it would be most convenient when the kids are 5 to 10 yo so both sides actually get something out of it 😁two people can play at being petty.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/10/2023 20:18

This post is all kinds of weird. Cleaning up after cooking appears to be the least of your problems.

5foot5 · 05/10/2023 20:25

What everyone else said about the baby being in exchange for you making a visit to his family. No words. But does this mean that he will consider the baby to be "yours" and will thus claim it is your responsibility and expect you to do absolutely everything for it?

Also you asked "how do you divide your chores". Well, cooking aside, how do you currently divide them? Do you divide them or does your H expect you to do everything. If not, what exactly does he do?

How we divide ours is pretty much 50/50 I think. We take it in turns to cook and whichever one doesn't cook does the washing up. Laundry is whoever decides to put a load in, we each do our own ironing. DH tends to clean all bathrooms whereas I do the kitchen. The rest of the house is whoever has the time. No more childcare necessary since long since grown up but again, it was pretty much 50/50.

MyCircumference · 05/10/2023 20:27

i dont think you should travel at 7 months

TheBluntTruth · 05/10/2023 20:48

I think the blunt truth here is that if you had to exchange a baby for a holiday then you’ve got much bigger issues to worry about in your relationship than who cooks and cleans. The simple fact you’ve had to exchange a baby for a holiday is one thing but to have not told your mother just blows my mind as how can you be 7 months pregnant and not mentioning anything to her about this or that she’s going to be a grandmother?

However, in terms of flying and pregnancy most airlines will only let you fly up to 32 weeks pregnant (might be wrong there but it’s around that mark) - I’m sure because you could go into labour. However generally speaking from my medical understanding it’s safe to fly in the third trimester.

As for dividing chores, write up what needs doing daily and weekly, both sit down, both agree to what each other will do. Share this equally so you both get the same number of chores to do.

Still cannot get over the fact you exchanged a baby for a holiday.

TheBluntTruth

Original poster
survivor9 · 05/10/2023 21:03

He didn’t want another baby and I was desperate so agreed to a lot of his demands

If I don’t go then he won’t contribute to other holidays or let me go to Europe until I visit his relatives. It’s my fault for marrying a foreigner although he never told me we would ever have to go back to visit iraq . It wasn’t a forced marriage but an arranged one “introduced” via family friends and engaged within 2-3 days. I travelled to iraq 3x in 2014 to do the various wedding things and plan for his visa to U.K.

im half Iraqi but I despise the corruption of iraq and the weather.

OP posts:
Ohhmydays · 05/10/2023 21:27

Well for starters if this was my partners attitude i would only cook for myself and let him fend for himself. But as it stands i do the cooking most days, tidy as i go but he does the dishes and wipes the bunkers.

Don’t even know where to start with the take a trip i’ll give you a baby shenanigans……. Jeez that’s just fucking nuts!

Original poster
survivor9 · 07/10/2023 09:04

I can’t work out if he’s right
he hasn’t asked me to cook so why should he clean

maybe I’m just naive due to Aspergers

i dread coming home to him just don’t feel happy always feel on edge

last week he shouted because table was a mess an hour after he tidied it and I told him not to shout as I have childhood emotional trauma and anxiety and he said that’s not his problem . I then got palpitations.

he researched that palpitations are normal in pregnancy but i didn’t have them before he started shouting.

i did tell him I’d visit his family in October. He has lost his passport now and is accusing me of hiding it. If we don’t visit iraq then he won’t let me take the kids to Europe or anywhere I actually want to go and my dad doesn’t let me travel alone in the U.K. with the kids . My parents are very over protecting and mum is overbearing she has her own struggles with bpd/depression and is very stubborn

OP posts:
historyrepeatz · 07/10/2023 09:12

How old are you, how many kids do you have and what are their ages? What's your set up at home? Are you currently working and looking after children and doing all the cooking and housework while having SPD? Maybe you should talk to women's aid. I'm not sure over protective is what your parents are.

FrontEnd · 07/10/2023 09:13

Oh my word what have I read? You sound very vulnerable and it's only going to get worse. This is not about marrying a "foreigner"; this is about marrying someone who is horrible, controlling and abusive. Has he got full LTR yet? Hopefully not because the best option for you and kids would appear to be divorce, for him to exit the country and you to proceed as a lone parent without this man in your lives. Takes me a lot to say that and I hope you're ok.

Wallywobbles · 07/10/2023 09:42

Ok so culturally there's a lot I don't know but this sounds way messed up.

What's your work history? Can you work (physically and culturally)?

How many kids do you have? Are they all his?

If you don't cook what's the alternative option?

Your parents sound messed up, but your marriage too. Is there an option to leave them all behind?

If you travel with your DH and the kids to see his parents are you sure you can return to the Uk? Can he stop you leaving Iraq with the kids?

BMW6 · 07/10/2023 09:49

OP your husband is a controlling lazy cunt.

BarbaraofSeville · 07/10/2023 09:57

^I can’t work out if he’s right
he hasn’t asked me to cook so why should he clean^

If you didn't cook, what would he eat? What would happen if you made simple food for you and DC, cleaned up after yourself but didn't make anything for him?

Does he cook or otherwise provide food for the family eg taking you all out to a restaurant or bringing takeaway home, assuming that it's affordable and reasonably balanced of course.

But I agree that there's far bigger problems than cooking going on here as well as cultural issues at play.

anareen · 07/10/2023 10:36

In exchange for a future baby or the one you are pregnant with now? You are 7 months pregnant and your parents don't know? I am just curious.

You have bigger problems that these abusive wagers.

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