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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Whoever cooks must also clean?

70 replies

survivor9 · 05/10/2023 20:00

Hi how do you divide your chores

my husband said as it’s my idea to cook and I cook most nights that I should clean as “he didn’t ask me to cook”

is he being very inflexible ? He acts annoyed when I ask for help. I have spd hip pelvic pain from current pregnancy and low mood.
i also agreed months ago to visit his family in the Middle East in exchange for a baby but now I have the spd pain I don’t want to travel when I’m 7m preg as it’s Yorkshire - London- Istanbul -iraq about 12h travel time
he said I must go as I “promised” and he will be annoyed if I don’t.
if I tell my parents I’m pregnant they will likely agree that the trip is unnecessary as my husbands parents visited last winter but not his siblings have met the kids.

OP posts:
WHALESURPRISE · 07/10/2023 14:26

Ignoring all the other stuff pp have pointed out - if you didn't cook what the fuck would he eat? Is he offering to take you out to dinner every night?

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2023 14:28

FFS don’t go to Iraq 7 months pregnant! (or at all).

Original poster
survivor9 · 07/10/2023 14:55

He sometimes takes us to restaurants but makes us split the bill usually .
if I didn’t cook he’d make something basic for himself
I don’t like him cooking as he fries or grills stuff and I hate indoor air pollution it’s one of my obsessions.
it also doesn’t help that he has recordings of me scratching him or having autistic meltdowns he has his laptop backed up with evidence. In the past I wasn’t medicated well and didn’t have any CBT therapy.
I also bumped into his car deliberately when I found out he was still recording me including the conversation about me promising to go to iraq. He says if I’m future I ever try to tell the kids he was a bad man he can show them the recordings.

OP posts:
Cinai · 07/10/2023 15:03

It’s whoever cooks does NOT clean for us, so that chores are shared. But I don’t think this is the main problem here. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to about your relationship and get help to decide how you want to move forward?

FrontEnd · 07/10/2023 15:14

You didn't answer my question yet, OP. Has he got full indefinite leave to remain (LTR) visa status yet?

lanthanum · 07/10/2023 17:13

I think you need to have a good long talk with your midwife. She will quite possibly advise you that you should not undertake a long journey with SPD; hopefully medical advice will carry more weight.

Original poster
survivor9 · 07/10/2023 18:44

He got his British passport about 2y ago

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 07/10/2023 18:51

All that he has recorded would hold no weight, you would be seen as suffering the effects of emotional abuse. I agree to speak to your MW. There's a lot to unpick. The ideal would be to leave the marriage, but I understand that there are cultural etc aspects at play.

Luxell934 · 07/10/2023 18:52

this all sounds very familiar and I’m sure you’ve posted before about him.

theduchessofspork · 07/10/2023 18:57

Gosh OP this all sounds pretty awful

Obviously you can’t travel if you aren’t well.

Have you thought about leaving? How might you do that?

theduchessofspork · 07/10/2023 18:57

And don’t worry about the recordings, you will just sound like a woman being emotionally abused, which is what you are. They won’t do him any favours

StripeyDeckchair · 07/10/2023 19:04

I opened this thread to say one cooks, the other washes up & cleans the kitchen.

But you have WAY more problems than who does what chores
This relationship sounds so toxic.
It's very transactional, there's no trust etc

Do you think you & your child(ren) will come back from Iraq as planned?
Do you think you'll be treated well there? Have rights?

There is no way I would go there with this abusive man. I guarantee he'll want to keep all the passports so they're "safe" & you'll be there for years to under his & his families control.

Comtesse · 07/10/2023 19:05

i would call Southall Black Sisters if I was you - sounds like a bad scene all round - stay safe Flowers

BarelyCoping123 · 07/10/2023 19:25

What the hell have I just read 😳

OP - run for the hills!!!

LadyEloise1 · 07/10/2023 19:29

Comtesse · 07/10/2023 19:05

i would call Southall Black Sisters if I was you - sounds like a bad scene all round - stay safe Flowers

Very good advice.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 07/10/2023 19:31

Whilst I'm not unsympathetic, you have posted about your husband several times and he gets worse and worse each time.

You know the answers to all your questions.

You have been advised many, many times that he is abusive and what you should be doing.

Leave him.

IncomingTraffic · 07/10/2023 19:33

I definitely do not think you or your children should go to Iraq. I suspect you may struggle to leave again.

caringcarer · 07/10/2023 19:36

survivor9 · 07/10/2023 14:55

He sometimes takes us to restaurants but makes us split the bill usually .
if I didn’t cook he’d make something basic for himself
I don’t like him cooking as he fries or grills stuff and I hate indoor air pollution it’s one of my obsessions.
it also doesn’t help that he has recordings of me scratching him or having autistic meltdowns he has his laptop backed up with evidence. In the past I wasn’t medicated well and didn’t have any CBT therapy.
I also bumped into his car deliberately when I found out he was still recording me including the conversation about me promising to go to iraq. He says if I’m future I ever try to tell the kids he was a bad man he can show them the recordings.

Honestly you both sound nuts to me. I'd not travel at 7 months pregnant but would go when the baby is about 4 months - 6 months old. If he won't cook or wash up stop cooking for him. Make him cook for HK.self and wash his own dishes.

LouLou198 · 07/10/2023 19:36

You sound extremely vulnerable op. Who washes up is the least of your worries. Please get some help, talking to your midwife is a good starting point.

EtiennePalmiere · 08/10/2023 07:03

caringcarer · 07/10/2023 19:36

Honestly you both sound nuts to me. I'd not travel at 7 months pregnant but would go when the baby is about 4 months - 6 months old. If he won't cook or wash up stop cooking for him. Make him cook for HK.self and wash his own dishes.

Show quote history

She's not nuts, she's being abused terribly.

Original poster
survivor9 · 08/10/2023 13:44

He found his passport
I don’t fancy the 10 hr travel time

3 hours to London , then 3 hours to Turkey , then 2h go iraq :/

I’ve tried to tell him to go somewhere nearer like Spain but he refuses .
or maybe me and my parents can take the kids to Spain but I think my dad won’t want to upset DH

OP posts:
Original poster
survivor9 · 10/10/2023 21:18

He said if I dont go to iraq he won’t help me with chores anymore

i have bad spd pelvic pain 6.5m pregnant

he said it’s just sitting on a taxi and plane and I won’t be in any pain

OP posts:
ThreeLeggedKitten · 10/10/2023 21:35

youre cooking a family meal to feed everyone, he eats it, he needs to contribute to the household running (he’s not a child), he needs to clean up.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 10/10/2023 21:58

Then don’t cook for him.

I cook every night, husband & son clean up every night.

But as others have said, that’s not really the main issue here. @BMW6 nailed it.

Chickychoccyegg · 10/10/2023 22:08

You need to seek support to leave this abusive relationship, including the rather unusual relationship you have with your parents.
None of it is healthy
I would not under any circumstances travel, or allow my dc to travel to Iraq.