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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cannot tell my mum ANYTHING... feeling like a serial liar

66 replies

JazbayGrapes · 05/10/2023 14:16

We live in different countries and call each other weekly. Thing is, i cannot share anything about my life with her because she moans and criticizes literally everything.
If something bad happens in my life (not massively bad, but like catching a cold or car breaking down) - she has a massive go at me for being ever so careless and irresponsible. If i share good news (let's say going on a holiday) - she has to piss in the bonfire saying it is stupid, meaningless, wasteful, etc.
I cannot share anything about future plans or thoughts, like a career change or travel, because she will say "No, you must not, that is so dumb, so risky!"

I'm at a loss...

OP posts:

Headchecked · 05/10/2023 14:19

hmmm this is hard. What about noticing this behaviour when she does it? “It’s interesting that your first response is to blame me? I wonder why that is your first response?” And do it on repeat. Another option “you seem to be having a very strong reaction to this. I wonder why this bit or minor news makes you feel so strongly?@

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/10/2023 14:25

Don't tell her anything then! Just keep the conversation brief down to are you alright? Yes, all fine here, nothing to report. Speak to you next week.

You don't have to have a relationship with her she sounds awful.

TreesWelliesKnees · 05/10/2023 14:26

I can really relate to this. I can't tell my mum anything 'real', good or bad, because the response will always be hard for me to deal with. It's always negative, always overexaggerating risk or downsides. I've realised that all my life I've only ever presented her with things once they are absolutely a done deal e.g. Mum I'm four months pregnant, Mum I got married last week. But it's only recently that I've understood why, and that it's actually not because I'm 'so secretive' or 'too independent'.

The only thing that really helps me is to remember that this is all about her. Her anxiety. Her limitations. Her experiences. It's not about me at all. That helps me feel less guilty about not sharing. But I'm still left with a void.

SeulementUneFois · 05/10/2023 14:28

I had that, I used to be so anxious, almost cry after each phonecall..
I now call very very rarely (like a few times a year). Sadly she still can't help herself...
(Yes I'm abroad, 3000 miles away from her.)

Howtohideasausage · 05/10/2023 14:29

I wouldn’t speak to her. You could tell her why first, but I doubt she’d get it. My mum is a bit like this, but I keep it brief.

JustPiercedAug · 05/10/2023 14:30

May i direct you to the But We Took You To Stately Homes threads on the MN relationships board?
And also Out Of The Fog Forum.

I have a similar issue with my mother. I end up very stressed trying to converse with her because my efforts to not get criticised or have her be competitive of me, make many subjects off limits.
I now stick to the weather and her garden, mainly. It is frustrating and you have my sympathy!

LubaLuca · 05/10/2023 14:32

It's the same with my mum. I can't share a problem with her, no matter how big or small. She can't be trusted to respond in a measured and supportive way. Everything's turned into an 'I told you so!' or 'Well I can honestly say that's never been a problem I've had'. Yay, congratulations to you Mum, you're one of life's winners 🙄

morag1234 · 05/10/2023 14:32

Oh that is horrible.

I wonder what has happened in her life to make her feel like she needs to rain on your parade & make you feel shit. What a weird thing to do.

Personally, I would have to tell her. I would ring her and explain how she makes you feel, and say you don't want to continue with phone calls if she's going to keep on treating you this way.

Or if you can't do that, I would call her less and less & make sure not to tell her anything about your life.

ButterCrackers · 05/10/2023 14:37

Keep it to you went to the supermarket etc and don’t tell her anything important. Make the calls shorter by saying speak with you next week. Bye.

LovelyMMOG · 05/10/2023 14:43

OP, my mother is exactly like this. Her instinct at every piece of news is to criticise or belittle. In any dispute she takes the other person’s side. It’s odd because I know she means well and would love to have a closer relationship with me, but it’s like she can’t help it, like word vomit she can’t keep down.

I’ve tried everything over the years- standing up for myself, arguing back, ignoring her etc. Nothing works. So now I only tell her the most inane and surface things about my life- when it’s half term, I’ve bought a new tea towel, it’s a sunny day etc. She must think my life is so boring but it’s the only way.

I’m working on drilling myself to be positive to my own children.

piscofrisco · 05/10/2023 14:43

This is my mum to a tee. I keep it breezy, don't tell her much of note and just let her talk about herself/her neighbours for the most part.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/10/2023 14:44

Have you ever addressed this with her? As in 'I appreciate your views but if you've not got anything positive to say about this, I'd rather change the subject'

piscofrisco · 05/10/2023 14:51

Hand in hand with the negativity in my mums case is also a total inability to bear any sort of criticism or take suggestions that aren't her own. So that wouldn't work in my case but it might in others I guess.
My mum does not take it well when it's even implied she might be a bit wrong

frumpalertt · 05/10/2023 14:52

There is really nothing wrong with limiting the information you give to someone like this. That kind of behaviour is completely toxic and you are right to want to minimise the person's say over your life.

LubaLuca · 05/10/2023 15:11

My mum cuts contact completely as a punishment if I dare to stand up for myself. Instead I lie and hide things to avoid the upset.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 05/10/2023 15:15

Sounds like my mum
we've been non contact for a decade

Original poster

JazbayGrapes · 05/10/2023 15:16

I wonder what has happened in her life to make her feel like she needs to rain on your parade & make you feel shit. What a weird thing to do.

Growing up, she was insanely overprotective. I couldn't play sports, i couldn't do activities such as scouts - because unsafe. Forget parties, concerts, festivals, for obvious reasons. But i learned to live with that by sneaking around and lying though my teeth. Now, at 40 - it feels just stupid that i can't tell her about a holiday or have to hide facebook pictures because she needs to express her disapproval.

I guess we'll talk about politics again...

OP posts:

gamerchick · 05/10/2023 15:18

My mother is exactly the same. She also used to take pleasure if I was having a hard time and of course everything was my fault. Even if I wasn't there or been anywhere near.

We've been NC for years. Life is so much happier without her in it.

WitcheryDivine · 05/10/2023 15:21

She sounds very anxious but that's exhausting for you.

Can I recommend talking about news/current affairs, or OTHER PEOPLE? If she criticises why your next door neighbour's vegetable patch is full of slugs it's going to have the same sting.

I also have to "protect" my mum as the reaction is often sooooo unhelpful, and then she gets upset that I don't confide in her. Well, sorry but you brought that on yourself.

Cecilisacaterpillar · 05/10/2023 15:21

I'm currently having to distance myself from my DM, for different reasons but the effect is the same, limited conversations avoiding telling her anything about my life. I'm a few months in and the hardest part for me has been accepting that she will never be the mother I want (or, in my case, the mother I thought she was) and making the mental adjustment to the relationship I actually have with her.

Letting go of the idea that it can be 'fixed' somehow, or that she will change her behaviour is hard, but actually incredibly freeing once you get the hang of it. The surface-level conversations become the norm and I can now pretty much put the phone down after a few minutes and not give her another thought until the next call, which is a massive relief after years of being fully embroiled in her dramas and having far too much of my headspace being taken up by her.

Make your peace with it is my advice, accept it for what it is and do what you need to do to protect yourself. You're not a serial liar, she just isn't a safe person to share information with, so don't!

Original poster

JazbayGrapes · 05/10/2023 15:25

We've been NC for years. Life is so much happier without her in it.

That's why i moved to another country. I don't want complete NC because afterall... she's the only mum i have and she does actually care about me, just has a funny way of communicating.

OP posts:

Monkeymonkeymoo · 05/10/2023 15:29

Do you know where the negativity comes from, it might give some clues for how to manage it. Is it anxiety, jealousy or is she just negative about everything?
Is she like it with other people or is it mainly you?
My mum can be a bit like this and I find it very stressful. For her it comes from anxiety but then this rubs off on me and slightly taints things that should be nice or makes me even more stressed about otherwise minor inconveniences.

In terms of managing it, I probably wouldn’t tell her about the minor irritations, it’s not really lying just focusing on other things. Or say how the problem has been resolved in the same sentence ‘the car’s in the garage so I’ve been using Steve’s this week. It’s much nicer to drive.’

For nice things or big news then I’d wait and tell her after it has happened so she can’t catastrophise and you can focus on just telling her the good bits. ‘Did I mention that Karen and I went camping last weekend. It was so nice to have a break etc etc’ or ‘I’ve just started a new job. I didn’t want to jinx it until I started but it’s been great this week, my new colleagues are lovely and it’s much more interesting’.

Obviously this doesn’t work for big news or genuinely bad news in which case I try to process it myself a bit before telling her (even if that means making an excuse to skip a weekly call) so I don’t get too upset or I text her in advance so she knows but I don’t have to listen to criticism/pessimism when I’m already upset.

Oioicaptain · 05/10/2023 15:36

Wow. My mum is exactly the same, to a lesser extent. She doesn't always piss on good news, but generally most responses are reactive, negative and anxious. They are rarely thought out or rational. There's rarely anything supportive or nurturing. I wouldn't really go to her if I had a problem and try to keep worries from her. She can be especially belittling of me spending money on things that she perceives as wasteful (i.e. extremely occasionally (every 5 years or so), I might get my nails done before going on holiday. She considers this ridiculous and an absolute waste of money. Yet she will spend thousands on plants for her garden, curtains, wine etc. She just can't help it. Her mother was exactly the same towards her and disparaging of others. It's a habit that she can't break.

Original poster

JazbayGrapes · 05/10/2023 15:36

Do you know where the negativity comes from, it might give some clues for how to manage it. Is it anxiety, jealousy or is she just negative about everything?

Fragile mental health, so i'm trying to be sympathetic. She is like that with other people, so she doesn't have many friends. Nobody wants that sort of negativity in their life. My dad has checked out long time ago.

OP posts:

Oioicaptain · 05/10/2023 15:40

It's so good to have found my people here and also great to see so many measured responses. It's a perpetual negativity and anxiety that rubs off onto me. She can make me nervous. It's great to see some useful advice instead of the usual extreme 'this is abuse, go NC' stuff.

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