Cannot tell my mum ANYTHING... feeling like a serial liar

[JazbayGrapes]

We live in different countries and call each other weekly. Thing is, i cannot share anything about my life with her because she moans and criticizes literally everything.
If something bad happens in my life (not massively bad, but like catching a cold or car breaking down) - she has a massive go at me for being ever so careless and irresponsible. If i share good news (let's say going on a holiday) - she has to piss in the bonfire saying it is stupid, meaningless, wasteful, etc.
I cannot share anything about future plans or thoughts, like a career change or travel, because she will say "No, you must not, that is so dumb, so risky!"

I'm at a loss...

Yeah, my mom is like this.

One of the many reasons I no longer speak to her.

Having a mother like this (I did) makes so much of life difficult. If I ever mentioned to a colleague or acquaintance that my mother was coming to visit, they'd inevitably say, 'Oh how lovely! You must be so looking forward to seeing her.' No, I was really dreading it, but never said so. I learned when quite young that indicating that you don't like your mother usually elicits shock and horror/distaste in most people. Maybe everybody, apart from a tiny number of unlucky ones like us (and thank God for Mumsnet) has a wonderful relationship with their lovely mother.

Wow I could have written this. Especially the taking the other person’s side. It’s exhausting. Weirdly though she is sympathetic to her friends and other people’s families.

She also picks up on tiny, irrelevant details and challenges me on them. Yesterday DH had a bad accident, ambulance with blue lights to hospital, cut out of clothes etc. All day in hospital. Came home late last night and she says ‘mutual acquaintance who was there said DH fell off a ledge, you said he fell off a wall, why did you say it was a wall when it was a ledge.’

I was so exhausted I did just snap back at her ‘why on earth does that make any difference?!’

All sympathy to anyone with a mum like this…

Having a mother like this (I did) makes so much of life difficult. If I ever mentioned to a colleague or acquaintance that my mother was coming to visit, they'd inevitably say, 'Oh how lovely! You must be so looking forward to seeing her.' No, I was really dreading it, but never said so.

Exactly. I dread every visit because she is prone to make a massive conflict over literally nothing. Even when she doesn't its like walking on eggshells because you never know what will set her off.

Stop choosing to bring this toxic bullshit into your life. Tell your mother you will call her once a month, tell her why, and if she's awful again, hang up. You have got to set yourself free from this. I doubt you really appreciate how much this negativity affects you.

You are not alone. Do look up Grey Rock Technique and put it into practice with your mother.

I thought I was all alone but my mum is like this too. I can't share anything negative and happy news is glossed over. She's getting worse as she gets older and I find it so sad.

The blunt truth here is that clearly your mother has mental health issues to be reacting like this to every single scenario discussed. She needs therapy to work through her own issues.

The real question here is why do you continue to maintain a relationship with her when clearly she brings nothing to the table here? Is this out of love, respect, or simply feeling like it’s your duty to speak to her weekly? If all she does is criticise you, belittle you and try to hold you back from life’s experiences then why do you continue to call her to speak with her? Are you expecting something to change or do you plan to just continually disappoint yourself by her reactions?

Of course my first bit of advice will always be to cut toxic family members out of your life for good. However, if you’re not wanting to be as extreme as that then just change the dynamic of your relationship instead. You have a huge advantage here because you live overseas, the control is fully in your hands, it’s not like she can just turn up at your house unannounced! Don’t talk to her about what you’re doing anymore, focus entirely on her. Ask her what she’s been doing with her life, ask her where she’s travelled lately. Keep the conversation fully about her not on you and keep it brief stating you are fine and managing your life perfectly reasonably. Don’t go into any detail. Keep the conversation to small talk. Further to this, you could try telling her how you feel if you’ve not tried this already? I know certain generations and cultures find it especially hard to talk back to family members but be firm - tell her exactly how annoying you find her constant negativity. Tell her you don’t see the point in calling when it’s met by criticism and negativity. Maybe if she realises the negative implications she’s having on you then she’ll become more understanding of her own behaviour. As a last resort, change the weekly calls to monthly calls. You don’t need a full explanation just explain you’re too busy with other commitments to phone weekly.

TheBluntTruth.

That technique is a lifesaver, but even it has its limits - whenever I did it with my mother she would get more and more frustrated with my attempts to keep the conversation light and would escalate, I guess to try and get a reaction out of me. I think she missed the kind of interactions we had when I was a kid, where she could upset me really easily. God, it's so bloody depressing. It's coming up to the anniversary of her death and I just don't know how to mourn her. Sorry OP, I don't mean to hijack your thread, it's just oddly comforting to talk about my mother in a space where I don't have to pretend we had a loving relationship.

Have you thought about making stuff up and trying to predict her reaction? It might make the calls more endurable. Start small "I'm thinking of adopting an abandoned terrapin mum, what do you think?" Then work up to "I've won £10,000!" or "My prison penpal has asked me to marry him!". See what she comes up with then...

I have been in a similar situation and in time found safe topics for inane chat. For me, these included the weather, some light gossip (eg next door’s house is for sale, they are putting a new playground in the park), news items (could be politics but could be random light stuff; something you have no strong opinion on); food/cooking and - easiest of all - asking them lots of questions about their life. Books, tv shows, current fashion, pets etc could be other ideas.

Both MIL and FIL are like this and as a result we have a very 'surface' relationship with them and have gradually withdrawn to LC since lockdown. DH realised his mental health was so much better not dealing with the negativity and dramatics over really minor stuff. We keep it light and breezy and share very little about our life now.

Me too! My DF messaged me and told me not to phone my DM with anything other than positive news, her health and mobility are failing.

I'm disabled, use a walking aid, have a blue badge, will be in a wheelchair, have constant medical appointments - but DM has had an xray which has showed up the start of something I've had for 30yrs and I should be supporting her and not telling her anything negative.

I only tell her because she asked!

Anyway, I've blocked both of them for now because I have no words.

The real question here is why do you continue to maintain a relationship with her when clearly she brings nothing to the table here? Is this out of love, respect, or simply feeling like it’s your duty to speak to her weekly?

Yes, love and respect. Weekly, because she used to call every other day and would be mad if i didn't answer or call back immediately. Mum, I have a life.
She is not a bad person, when she is in good mood, we can have wonderful time together and beautiful memories. And she really cares. Just i have to limit the negativity in my life because its affecting my mental health too.
Another one of her "pearls" is that she is picking up all the batshit conspiracy theories and freaking out over them.

I stopped sharing. We talk about the weather, how cute her grandkids are, she complains a bit and end of story. took me 15 years to get here though

My DM is like this too. I had dreadful self esteem for a really long time and was suicidal as a teen and convinced I was an awful person that the world would be better off without.

Anyway I found a way to deal with it. I went grey rock and share very little info with her (without knowing what that was, I just ended up doing it instinctively) and then the other coping mechanism is to really go off at her whenever she even hints at being a bitch. I pull her up on it every. single. time. And I consciously overreact so I end up really berating her for every tiny potential passive aggressive comment and every criticism she makes. You have to be really committed to this approach and never, ever back down, no matter what. Your goal here isn't to be in the right, it's to make her know you won't be pushed around regardless of the context.

I realised that essentially my mother loves and respects people who treat her like shit (like my brother and her ex). I allowed myself to be bullied by her which set in place a cycle of her bullying me more and respecting me less. Now, if she so much as sighs in an exasperated way at me I will have a massive go at her. The tables have turned. She walks on egg shells around me terrified of upsetting me.

I also don't see her very much (not even once a year) and don't talk to her much either.

I do think that all the negativity is a dysfunctional way of showing love. They love us so much that they want to highlight everything wrong with us so we have a chance to fix these problems so our future is better.

So I get it's a bit sad to cut contact entirely.

But still, it's toxic.

Yes, this is definitely my mum.

Just stick to light conversations, the weather, the garden, trees, how happy you are. Don't get into any thing controversial. She doesn't want to know so don't tell her.

Gosh this is so familiar @TreesWelliesKnees
Sorry that you have this experience but it really helped me, the way you had written it down.

I’m glad I found this thread. I too have to be very selective over what I tell my mum. She’s never actually critical, but her worrying and negativity can be very draining. For example, I started a new full time job last year after a few years of being a SAHM, and while she was pleased for me initially she now just talks about how tired I must be, how dangerous it is for me to cycle there, and how I don’t get enough holiday! She never asks about the actual work I do. She’s lovely and I love her so much, but I envy people who can confide in their mothers and who don’t have to edit what news they relay.

Yes, @TreesWelliesKnees you express it very well. I can definitely relate!

Totally get this. My mum just frets about anything I say. If I have a cold the next time I speak to her it'll be all... oh I've been so worried about you. She doesn't seem to get how weather works so if it's raining in London on tv she thinks I've got rain. London's a big place mum. I know it's done with love but I just reduce and reduce what I tell her but it's so stressful

I could have written this. I too have been described as secretive and too independent. Yet when I try and open up, good or bad, it’s met with over-caution, criticism, worry or blame. Now it’s a very surface relationship which does make me sad. It won’t change, she’s in her 70’s now and has always been the same.
sorry for jumping on, just wanted to share it’s not only you OP x

I think you should have an honest conversation with her and explain that you hold back because of her negative judgment and you would like things to be different.