Cannot tell my mum ANYTHING... feeling like a serial liar

[JazbayGrapes]

We live in different countries and call each other weekly. Thing is, i cannot share anything about my life with her because she moans and criticizes literally everything.
If something bad happens in my life (not massively bad, but like catching a cold or car breaking down) - she has a massive go at me for being ever so careless and irresponsible. If i share good news (let's say going on a holiday) - she has to piss in the bonfire saying it is stupid, meaningless, wasteful, etc.
I cannot share anything about future plans or thoughts, like a career change or travel, because she will say "No, you must not, that is so dumb, so risky!"

I'm at a loss...

@LovelyMMOG This is exactly my situation down to a T, and people who suggest things to say don't get it because it goes in one ear and out the other, they don't listen and even if they did, I think they can't help it, it's just who they are.
My mum isn't a bad person and not as extreme as the OP's mum, but still very draining. I also live far away from her and I've worked out that the golden rule is to keep our interactions to a 10 minute FaceTime call with only very superficial chat. Otherwise, It's constant low level criticism, disapproval and treating me like a foolish child. She also always has done that thing where she takes other people's side but never sticks up for me.

Some of my favourite gems of hers:

"Working shouldn't be at the expense of your child" (DD had recently started nursery and was ill a lot but I sent her in if she didn't have a temperature or stomach symptoms. Apparently I should've been keeping her home for 2 weeks every time she had a bug. She also wanted to know about every single symptom and constantly asked if she was getting better, every time she had so much as a sniffle. In the end I stopped telling her when DD is ill.)

"...and those things warrant that salary, do they?" When I explained my new duties in a job I'd recently started that paid much better than my old one. She knew how much being underpaid had affected my confidence and how hard I'd worked to get qualified for my new job.

"Don't feed your baby 'artificial milk', you need to try harder to breastfeed. Some women just can't be bothered to breastfeed." When she knew how much I'd been struggling with low supply.

"I thought you were a bigger size, well you're definitely not what you used to be", when I told her my size as she wanted to buy me a top for Christmas, not long post-baby.

She wonders why we're not close and I never tell her anything.

My mum was like this. Ringing me every day, often several times.
I’m going away for a nice relaxing weekend soon and I know what she’d say, “Why are you driving all that way, wear and tear on the car, hotels are so expensive, you’re not PAYING to put the dog in kennels! I gave you that money last year to pay towards the mortgage not swan off on fancy holidays- bet that’s DHs idea. That jobs too hard for you, if you worked less you wouldn’t need a holiday. What will I do if you have an accident while you’re away? What about the cat? You’re not expecting us to feed him are you?”
All this would start the moment I told her about anything happening in the future so I’d alway tell her things at the last minute to allow her the least amount of moaning time.
Exhausting.

@Edwardandtubbs OMG yes to the latching on to irrelevant details.
When I was pregnant, she became quite obsessed with telling me to be careful any time I did anything, as I was apparently not "in the first flush of youth" (I was 30 fgs!)
I got fed up of this and told her that at 30 I was still young and to drop it. She was insistent that I wasn't a "young mum" because a young mum is someone under 25. It then spiralled into a ridiculous argument about the difference between "young mum" and someone who is still relatively young and also a mum. It went on and on and she just wouldn't drop it, even after my attempts to change the subject.

id leave her to it if she’s cute contact. That is stone walking and is very abusive

Sorry typos. Cut contact not cute. Stone walling not walking.

My mother is the same. Her view of the world is so negative she just can't help herself and I've come to accept it's not deliberate it's just who she is. She wishes we had a closer relationship (lives 30m away) and I feel guilty and sad that we don't but whenever I'm with her, her comments annoy me so much and we either argue or I leave with a very bitten tongue. I'm told my holidays are extravagant, my daughter isn't coping with school, I work too hard, it's such a shame my sister can't afford what I have, etc. The only safe topic is my dog who she absolutely adores, so I just talk about that!

I also worry I'll become like that with my daughter so am really conscious to try not to judge and keep my opinions to myself. But I know some of it has rubbed off on me and I have to focus on a positive mindset.

I'm so glad I found all of you.

This is my mother to a T. Plus, the fact she is never, ever wrong, so there's absolutely no point standing up to her.

Something bad happens? She always has it worst. Something good happens? She thinks it's the worst idea/thing ever.

I keep my conversations light and the happy/sad/worrying stuff far away from her.

Another one here who can totally relate. I keep my mother very much at arm's length. She must think we lead very boring lives as we rarely confess to doing anything at the weekends. We learned a long time ago that everything we do, everything we enjoy is wrong, a waste of money, a waste of time. She has an opinion on everything, and it's always negative, even though we never ask for her opinion. Weirdly she's the opposite with our adult daughter - showers her with praise, positivity and encouragement. I wonder if that's just another tactic to get at me?

I'm just about to phone mine. I've actually written myself a list of safe topics. I can cope with leaving the silences that I used to rush to fill, when we are face to face, but I find it hard on the phone. I also have methods of getting off the phone but they are less necessary because I've become a bit boring now 💪 😎

My mum is literally the same. For this reason we only have a platonic relationship. She also lives abroad and sometimes we can go weeks without speaking. There's literally no scenario where she wont dig up all the negatives and starts conjuring a list of ALL the things that might go wrong. To add to that, she is highly religious and thinks everything is a sin. It was too exhausting and I don't need that kind of energy in my life.

This is spot on - they can’t help it, even if they tried, which they don’t. I remember being absolutely astounded the first time a third party said to me ‘oh your mum is so proud of you, you know’. Er, no, those words would never and have never come out of her mouth…I’m sure she must have said it to someone else to brag or save face.

I too have a daughter and I occasionally worry about the same - ending up being too hard on her, but I see in myself already how different I am to my mum. I tell my daughter I love her. I praise her when she does well and I tell her I’m proud of her. I hug her. I’ve already got a massive head start!

Like me with my dad.

It’s good training for life though. Small talk with coworkers/acquaintances/relatives and keep the real stuff for one or two
People you trust. That way, everyone will say what a lovely, cheerful and caring person you are. Better that than burned because you overshared.

From a mother’s pov, I try to be endlessly supportive, cheerful
and open without judging but that is not how I am seen by one of my kids due to stuff I had to get involved in earlier.

I literally check in with my mum by brief call. when she gets nasty I say “ ok, time to go” and I say bye and I’m off. I’ve found slowly over the years it’s lessened as she knows I cut and run. She is still the same person, I’ve just changed tactics from trying to reason with her and state my case to just saying “ ok, bye for now call u soon” it’s worked much better.

The feeling is horrible but remember the problem with toxic parents is them not us. You're not the issue here OP. You're not a liar. You are doing what you can to keep safe from emotional abuse.

My strategy with people I don't want knowing anything is to keep them talking about themselves.
Ask them questions.