My daughter is “ jealous “ of other child for the most awful reasons

[Notintheparentingbooks]

My head is going around in circles about this and I am going to try and not drip feed.
daughter ( older primary school age ) has complex health needs which are life threatening. She requires a lot of care and spends a lot of time in hospital. She requires daily IVs at home for a period of hours a day and IV medications etc
she had everything from blood transfusion’s to femoral lines and had permanent IV line plus feeding tubes. Over the course of years she has made many friends in the oncology world due to being in the same sort of nursing teams / hospices / hospitals.
she had made some very good friends and a few friends with her condition but less so because she is the only one in our community teams books on her treatment but in her hospital she has made a few.
we have in the past had a few upsets over her friends ( oncology ) and seeing them receive things like super shoes etc which she can not be referred to by community team because she is not oncology.
we seem to so far been able to sort of bridge the gap and I would just do what the charities do myself if that makes sense.
now before I carry on I should say she is the sweets timid child and would never mean to be malicious.
she spends a lot of time off school because of the hospital treatments.
the last few weeks have been challenging. Sadly a student of the school was diagnosed with cancer. I am extremely sad for them and so is daughter. She has struggled with the schools response to it and it has taken be my surprise. ( fundraising, announcements, etc )
I should say she isn’t upset that she is getting it she is just I think confused why no one has ever remotely offered similar to her.
I felt awful because I did not know how to handle the situation - I did speak to the school who were very understanding and I was worried that daughter would say something at school and they would think awful of her - but realistically it won’t change anything. I need to make her understand why.
the school to me was understanding but I do know this will now go on for a while and I am trying to navigate it the best I can.
I am so worried that she will be seen as a child who is jealous in a bad way.
she doesn’t want to participate on the fundraising day etc and seems fairly unsettled by the whole thing.
I am going to try and sit down and talk to her properly and take her for some 1-1 time this weekend to try and make her understand

how do you make a child of this understand though ? The questions she is asking I don’t feel like I have the answers to.
she has always been super supportive and not really moaned about anything - so this has taken me quite by surprise !

I don’t blame her at all for being jealous. She’s had lots of medical issues and no one makes a fuss of her at school but someone gets cancer and it’s front page news with lots of money being raised.

This isn’t about the physical actions it’s the emotional needs. She’s feeling second class, less special and like people don’t care.

Could the school do a fundraiser for her condition? We have a rare condition in our school that the kids do every year which is lovely.

Im unsure how to make your little one feel better, if you have money for a trip away to centre parcs or a little holiday, could you pretend it’s from the head of your kids conditions charity? Write a letter and post it through your door?

I think your daughter has reacted extremely reasonably, and you have acted graciously.
Sounds super hard, and I think your daughter needs to chat this through with a therapist - there is a lot to unpack. The situation is desperately unfair. When my grandmother was really sick and unable to look after herself there was nothing - no support, help, etc etc. she then got cancer and everything changed, all of a sudden there was money, nurses round to help etc. even they said it was unfair. X

Does your DD’s treatment team have access to specialist psychological support - or maybe something like play therapy? Your DD’s feelings are understandable and valid, and she deserves some help to deal with them. I can’t imagine this is the first time this dynamic has cropped up and you might find that someone attached to your DD’s treatment team has some suggestions.

Sending lots of love in a tough situation xx

Nope nothing like that - we have had to go through Cahms Process which will take years.

Well if the fundraising is for the hospital it will benefit her too? Maybe the head could include her in someway, would she feel brave enough to talk in front of the class/school about how they've helped her for eg?

Have you tried simply validating her emotions "that must be really hard for you honey, I can see why this situation must feel unfair" - I'm sure it's not intentional but your posts come across as if you're wanting to somehow shut down her feelings, not wanting her to make a fuss or draw attention to her feelings in school. I'm sure, that's only because you don't want people thinking 'badly' of your daughter but a) no one with half a brain is going to think badly of your daughter b) so what if she makes a fuss, hear her roar! Your daughter sounds bright and insightful, she's spotted an injustice and shes calling it out, good for her!

It is well known that if you have to get something awful wrong with you then hope like hell that it is cancer as you will be taken care of much better.

There is a book called “Take my hand” by Kerry Fisher and Pat Sowa. They were friends and they each had a son diagnosed with a life threatening condition at the same time. One was cancer and one wasn’t. A lot of the book is about their friendship but it also covers the difference between a cancer diagnosis and a different (but equally life threatening) illness. Kerry Fisher is quite a well known author so the book is well written.

It's a perfectly normal human response.

Those with long term health issues and disabilities take it on the chin because they have to. They get no choice.

Same as parents of these children hate being hailed hero's and special parents (even worse we are special because we get special kids).

Let's not pretend most people in this situation would give anything not to be.

So she's expected to get on with her daily health battles, missing school etc. and along comes someone who experiences her life for a year and get better and live a normal future (if all goes well as we all know cancer isn't a guaranteed recovery).

What she seems to be saying is "why does Sally get all this because she's going to live what is my life and hopefully only short time".

I think all you can do is validate her feelings and acknowledge how shit it is.

In actual fact if anything your DD could be the best support for this girl. She's the one who can truly show her that she can do this. Maybe frame it this way to her?

There could also be the perception that at least the other girl has a chance of getting better, whereas she might not and this is the best she's ever going to get.

I do understand. As the carer of a child like yours, I'd see this and be aware that, hey, I'm over here and have been doing this for years and years, I'll be doing it for years more, and suddenly this pops up and everyone suddenly cares? I'm an adult so would just shrug and get on with being invisible, but I totally get your daughter's perspective.

I also feel this is completely normal. Being very unwell is something she has spent her whole life enduring and also being surrounded by, it will have become very normalised for her. I completely get her lack of understanding of why there is an outpouring of support for her friend but nothing for her, and I think many people, even adults, would feel the same. Just support her in any way you can

@Libraryloiterer i think many reasons the situation makes me nervous - yes not wanting her to come across as mean / entitled being one because this is highly sensitive topic which clearly the school are emotional about, unfortunately any child with any illness will ever be deemed as important that is not just the school issue but an overall issue.
the head teacher was very understanding but if she stood up in front of others and said wait why haven’t you don’t that for me and only for her regarding a child they all care about with cancer their reaction may not be the same - then she would feel even worse.
also just that it is not a school issue - the issue is everywhere so this is her life. She can always share her feelings to me and the people who love and care for her and I will always validate but the unfortunate truth is that I also need to prepare her that this will likely always be the case.

Your DD is expressing very healthy emotions. Imagine if someone at work was off with a chronic condition for a month at a time, then suddenly 'Sandra is sick!! That's terrible. Let's do something, people!' It would be perfectly natural for the chronically sick person to be feeling very upset.

Without sounding crass I take it your DD isn't going to get completely better, where the odds of children with cancer are quite positive . It is understandable why she feels like that, and especially with the robot in school learning.

What Rainbow Trust does | Rainbow Trust Children's Charity

Have you approached this charity OP. It seems they fill the gap that other charities don't. They offer support to the families as well.

Also I agree with others that your daughter is not being remotely unreasonable.

Well I agree with her and wouldn’t try to dismiss her feelings. She is right to feel the way she does and I think that should be acknowledged. In the same breath I’d also explain that life just isn’t fair, bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. If it was my child I would probably mention that this is a topic she discusses with me only though as other people wouldn’t understand and take it the wrong way.

Yes this.

I would just say that because this other child has suddenly become ill, it’s a new thing, so people naturally want to do something. People are used to her being really brave and managing a complex condition, so while it can feel unfair, it just feels like part of normal life.

I don’t think anyone wouldn’t understand her struggling with this, so I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s good to flag it with the school so they are prepared.

You're right. I do sometimes feel like, "At least your child might get better!" I never dismiss their valid feelings and fears of course, and it's still awful for anyone, but I'm a bit ashamed the thought has crossed my mind.

My son died from cancer.

Honestly I don't think your daughter is unreasonable at all in her feelings.

I think people react to the 'shock' of a cancer diagnosis and in some ways (for them) it's easier to focus on something with a potential cure than a chronic long term health condition.

It's not fair but people are strange.

I think it's good that she can express these feelings to you and you are helping her.

To be honest I have all sorts of jealousies which are really inappropriate but I give myself a break.

If it helps, I know someone who paints Supershoes, who might be able to help.

My daughter has an extremely rare condition that no one has ever heard of, it gets grouped with cancer for some things and not for others. She was diagnosed age 7 and is now 12.

Much of my daughter’s illness has been invisible to others, she just has a lot of time off (including all of year 2).

in year 5 one of her classmates broke both arms and became a sort of minor school celebrity for about a month. She needed help with everything and all the lovely class mates where happy to oblige.

My daughter misinterpreted this as her friend’s preferring the other girl, because my daughter almost died and never had such a fuss. We had a big talk and my daughter was able to understand it better.

it really came down to:

2 broken arms is something the other kids had a reference point for. They could see it and could imagine themselves in that position.

My daughter’s illness has a name most adults can’t pronounce and her illness has largely taken place ‘back stage’, out of view of the other kids.
Her peers don’t have a frame of reference for ‘multi organ failure’ and obvs they didn’t see her in intensive care or on the stem cell unit.

Cancer is similar to 2 broken arms in that most kids have a reference point for it, either from tv/charity ads or grandparents/other family.

My daughter came to realise that she actually prefers her privacy to having a massive fuss made of her (although it helps that she still gets made a fuss of at hospital/hospital events).

Hope your daughter finds a similar sense of peace and that her school friend reaches remission swiftly.

I completely get why she's feeling as she does. Poor thing has so many struggles, she deserves a bit of attention as much as anyone else who has health difficulties.

Have you spoken to your local CVS? They often have links or databases they can search to see if there are any local trusts who might want to give your DD a bit of support. Or do you have a Community Foundation?

I hope you can get something for her. Poor thing. And you must be exhausted too - I hope you are accessing any support you need as a carer.

Can we make the shoes happen? I totally feel for your daughter and she has every right to feel upset.

It sounds like everyone is doing the right thing based on the circumstances, it’s just the circumstances are unfair.

But the shoes…. can we donate and make them happen?

@HandbagMarinara i really don’t know much about the other girl.
just that treatment is going well and she is responding thankfully.

my DD is a bit of an odd scenario she is classed as “ life threatning “ but not like this is how long you have to live “ she could love to 25 but or also vunerable … tomorrow if that makes sense although at birth she was given a few days .. she didn’t seem to follow their opinion 😂

This is natural imo, she feels the school community is banding together to fund raise for child x while they ignored her and her condition. I have experienced versions of this feeling as an adult.

Please don’t feel you have to apologise for her feelings, as most have said they are entirely valid. And she can feel how she feels without it impacting on the other child. Both situations are unfair and devastating.
I think suggesting to the school that in the future they could do a fundraiser for the community team or her hospital ward is a good thing.
The Rainbow Trust is a good charity that supports children like your daughter, they have an online service if they don’t have support staff in your area.
I work in the charity sector, if you’d like to drop me a pm with your area I can see if I any of my network knows any organisations local to you. Also the charity the does the shoes and I can do some digging to find which company they use.