My daughter is “ jealous “ of other child for the most awful reasons

[Notintheparentingbooks]

My head is going around in circles about this and I am going to try and not drip feed.
daughter ( older primary school age ) has complex health needs which are life threatening. She requires a lot of care and spends a lot of time in hospital. She requires daily IVs at home for a period of hours a day and IV medications etc
she had everything from blood transfusion’s to femoral lines and had permanent IV line plus feeding tubes. Over the course of years she has made many friends in the oncology world due to being in the same sort of nursing teams / hospices / hospitals.
she had made some very good friends and a few friends with her condition but less so because she is the only one in our community teams books on her treatment but in her hospital she has made a few.
we have in the past had a few upsets over her friends ( oncology ) and seeing them receive things like super shoes etc which she can not be referred to by community team because she is not oncology.
we seem to so far been able to sort of bridge the gap and I would just do what the charities do myself if that makes sense.
now before I carry on I should say she is the sweets timid child and would never mean to be malicious.
she spends a lot of time off school because of the hospital treatments.
the last few weeks have been challenging. Sadly a student of the school was diagnosed with cancer. I am extremely sad for them and so is daughter. She has struggled with the schools response to it and it has taken be my surprise. ( fundraising, announcements, etc )
I should say she isn’t upset that she is getting it she is just I think confused why no one has ever remotely offered similar to her.
I felt awful because I did not know how to handle the situation - I did speak to the school who were very understanding and I was worried that daughter would say something at school and they would think awful of her - but realistically it won’t change anything. I need to make her understand why.
the school to me was understanding but I do know this will now go on for a while and I am trying to navigate it the best I can.
I am so worried that she will be seen as a child who is jealous in a bad way.
she doesn’t want to participate on the fundraising day etc and seems fairly unsettled by the whole thing.
I am going to try and sit down and talk to her properly and take her for some 1-1 time this weekend to try and make her understand

how do you make a child of this understand though ? The questions she is asking I don’t feel like I have the answers to.
she has always been super supportive and not really moaned about anything - so this has taken me quite by surprise !

This sounds so difficult OP and you sound like you are doing a great job. It sounds like you have a plan to buy her shoes and chase up devices and things but it sounds like the real issue here is that life is not fair and it’s especially not fair for people with long term conditions.

Having those conversations with children is hard and I don’t think there is a right way to do it. We beat the drum of fairness into children but when it gets down to it, life certainly is not fair. No wonder they are confused. As some others have suggested, she’s right to feel like this and maybe seek out some therapy for her- a safe space to feel all those feelings about the unfairness of it all.
🌷

@GRex yeh I think
they get to choose like their fav characters to get painted on them.

@Notintheparentingbooks oh thank goodness. No you do not come across that way at all. You sound empathic for all children suffering including your dd. It's a really unfair situation and I hope you find a answer.

I'm with your DD here. It must seem very unfair to her that she's had to get on with it with very little fanfare or recognition and then this happens. It's a very adult lesson that sometimes we have to be our own cheerleaders and tell ourselves how well we've done, because nobody else is going to. I would chat with her and validate her feelings. Maybe stress that this is new for the child in question, who will be feeling anxious and worried, whereas your DD has had to be brave for a long time? That might help her to accept the different treatment.

I understand your daughter's feelings. It's like saying, when something very medically challenging happens to you, that's not important, but if something very medically challenging happens to another child, we should all support them and make their life nicer, because they are important. It's basically saying these other kids' suffering is important but her suffering is not.

It also seems really wrong that she is not getting mental health support. She's being expected to suffer through all of this alone. It's not really fair at all.

the school are in complete agreement in supporting our application for the device - they are genuinely a great school and have a heart. The head teacher said exactly the right things in support and even acknowledged that it is probably a matter of being used to it and it being so normal for them to say “. Mary is in the hospital this month will be back after “ “ ok “
it’s a familiarity thing.
the issue is I think it’s highlighted a bigger problem in what’s going on inside my little ones head.
I have to write a compelling argument and for it to go to panel to get her a device 🙈 which again is not the schools fault they had nothing to do with the original device and I have made sure they DD is aware of that ! X

I know this isn’t the point but how many thousands is the device? Could you start a go fund me for it? I’m so sorry for your dd, her feelings are very understandable.

@Dragonsandcats I have emailed everyone professional I know for a letter of support as LA lady said it would help but unfortunately it will come down to the panel and well we all know what council funding is like 😂😂

As others have said, she feels jealous because it is unfair. She's not wrong to do so.

As well as the generally higher profile of cancer, this is also to do with novelty (I know that sounds awful) - this other child has just been diagnosed. You'll find, sadly, that people pay a lot less attention to their cancer in a few months even if treatment is still ongoing, and that some will probably be quite callous about it (e.g. being annoyed if it means their child can't go into school with a cold). If your DD had just been diagnosed with her condition the school would probably be doing awareness-raising and fundraising, but illness becomes part of the background to everyone else after an initial flurry of interest (again, sorry that that sounds terrible). I'm not sure whether there is any way to explain that to your DD that wouldn't make her feel more angry - because again it just is unfair - but this will fade as the other child's diagnosis stops being 'news'.

I am not surprised she is feeling upset! It does seem unfair.

There are lots of custom painted shoes available online- look on Etsy for cartoon characters. I think the ones the children in the hospital are given may be prepainted and then the children are given a list of characters to pick from, making it feel customised, but they are not actually.

Perhaps you could also set up a PO Box and we could bombard her with ‘bravery’ cards. I know I would send her one!

@Hardbackwriter wish that was true but this isn’t about the girl at school - I think that’s just been the what do you call it highlighting factor.

we are apart of the community for years Because and it’s always been the case- mainly charities or local support.

Can your hospital team not refer her for psychological support? Maybe not with the current state of the NHS.

I feel for your poor daughter. DS also have a life long condition and we're very luck with support from the hospital and school. Will the hospital do an application for the Serious Fun camps for her? Over the Wall is the UK one
https://www.otw.org.uk/

Super shoes based in Milton Keynes do the shoes. Maybe join our local FB group and put a plea out for an artist to paint you shoes....i'm sure there are people connected to the charity locally....

@turkeyboots her general paediatrician who is by far one the most amazing women I have ever met has fought so hard for psychological help. Cahms accepted her but the wait list is huge.

The PO Box is a lovely idea.

It's good the school are talking to you as their response hasn't been fair. It's a sad point you made that dd is off so regularly it's been accepted and, nothing has been done to improve or minimise the education and inclusion impact to her.

You need funding for a device and potentially funding for private mental health care. Can you and dd do your own fundraiser soon and ask the school for support?

Oh bless her.
I imagine that she's seeing she's having much of the same negative outcomes as the children she is in treatment around, not being able to go to school all the time, the frequent hospital trips for treatments, generally not feeling well and all that involves. But what she deems to the positives, the new shoes, and devices from school to help, and the fundraising that feels like people really care are missing.

As a child I'd have been upset too.

This is very hard for your daughter. Her condition is also life-threatening, she really should be treated the same as the other children!

It’s a lot for a ten/eleven year old to deal with envy along with everything else she is going through. Hard to be gracious when your life is also so badly impacted by illness.

Some lovely ideas by others in this thread.

Sometimes the ubiquitousness of cancer does take away from other conditions (in funding/attention).

Your daughter is right to be jealous and angry. It’s very tiring and isolating when you have complex medical needs that others don’t understand but those with cancer get a huge amount of understanding and empathy. You should be angry for her, it isn’t about people with cancer, it’s about lack of recognition and support for your daughter. Don’t minimise her feelings or tell her she’s wrong.

@oksothisisusnow yep pretty much. She has also had some really crap comments from adults which has not helped. 🙈 I remeber the old play worker on a trip for the community telling her friend at the dome about super shoes right in front of her. It’s like sometimes they just don’t think. Which was my biggest concern was that she would say something or ask something at school and the adults reaction would be wrong. I am
more confident that won’t happen due to how they responded to our conversation.

I think the fundraiser issue from what I understand but I am not there so I don’t know was more how it was worded. They voted as a school to raise money for the people helping their “ friend Zara “
I think it hit her deep maybe because actually she gets treatment at the same hospital and a diff one but also that one.

She must be fuming, she's a kid and has watched everyone else grow up without pain and the restrictions she's lived with. School have now shown her that her long term pain doesn't matter as much as someone else's 'new' pain. Poor little girl, I can completely get it x

That’s the thing I don’t think they did - of well didn’t mean to. They responded in the natural way to the issue that occurred at the moment
but to DD she doesn’t see it that way which I can understand also.

all of this.
I can definitely see your dd’s point and why she is upset/feels unseen by this.

I totally understand her jealousy - it is unfair isn’t it, that’s she hasn’t had a fundraising day etc. Perhaps the school will have a think about how she feels about this