My daughter is “ jealous “ of other child for the most awful reasons

[Notintheparentingbooks]

My head is going around in circles about this and I am going to try and not drip feed.
daughter ( older primary school age ) has complex health needs which are life threatening. She requires a lot of care and spends a lot of time in hospital. She requires daily IVs at home for a period of hours a day and IV medications etc
she had everything from blood transfusion’s to femoral lines and had permanent IV line plus feeding tubes. Over the course of years she has made many friends in the oncology world due to being in the same sort of nursing teams / hospices / hospitals.
she had made some very good friends and a few friends with her condition but less so because she is the only one in our community teams books on her treatment but in her hospital she has made a few.
we have in the past had a few upsets over her friends ( oncology ) and seeing them receive things like super shoes etc which she can not be referred to by community team because she is not oncology.
we seem to so far been able to sort of bridge the gap and I would just do what the charities do myself if that makes sense.
now before I carry on I should say she is the sweets timid child and would never mean to be malicious.
she spends a lot of time off school because of the hospital treatments.
the last few weeks have been challenging. Sadly a student of the school was diagnosed with cancer. I am extremely sad for them and so is daughter. She has struggled with the schools response to it and it has taken be my surprise. ( fundraising, announcements, etc )
I should say she isn’t upset that she is getting it she is just I think confused why no one has ever remotely offered similar to her.
I felt awful because I did not know how to handle the situation - I did speak to the school who were very understanding and I was worried that daughter would say something at school and they would think awful of her - but realistically it won’t change anything. I need to make her understand why.
the school to me was understanding but I do know this will now go on for a while and I am trying to navigate it the best I can.
I am so worried that she will be seen as a child who is jealous in a bad way.
she doesn’t want to participate on the fundraising day etc and seems fairly unsettled by the whole thing.
I am going to try and sit down and talk to her properly and take her for some 1-1 time this weekend to try and make her understand

how do you make a child of this understand though ? The questions she is asking I don’t feel like I have the answers to.
she has always been super supportive and not really moaned about anything - so this has taken me quite by surprise !

I think it's perfectly understandable that she's jealous TBH. She's spent her whole life in hospitals and health settings so it's normalised for her and seeing other children get nice things and treats because of their health issues won't seem such a 'big deal' to her as it would to other children. Having health needs is normal to her in a way it isn't to most people. To see a child suddenly become the subject of a huge fuss when she's never had anything like that must be upsetting for her. She's not jealous of her illness, but if the recognition and fuss. She's only a young girl, it must be hard to understand!

I understand your daughter's point of view here. Obviously it's terrible about the other child but I can see her thinking "but what about me?" as she also has a very serious condition and hasn't had similar stuff organised for her. I do think there's something about the word "cancer" that makes people react in a particularly strong way (possibly because many people have lost a loved one to cancer).

Could she organise her own fundraising event at a later date? A fun run or cake bake or something? Not for herself, that wouldn't look right, but with the money going towards a charity specifically for the illness she has. That might raise awareness in the community and make it feel more "even".

No help op but I do get that she’s had a tough run of it and doesn’t understand why she wasn’t recognised in the same way. As an aside you’re doing a great job and just wanted to say that really x

She's hurt she's not been treated the same and doesn't think it's fair. Tbh you can see why.

I'm assuming your daughter joined the school with her medical issues already going on?

Yeh she did, honestly I don’t think it’s the school - they are lovely. I think it’s been a build up of it over many years. The reality is the schools response to the other child is completely normal and correct.
I think it’s been an accumulation of incidents from sounds ridiculous but her 2 friends from community nursing getting shoes and not her to then this.
i don’t know I felt awful going in to school - who was not mean about it in the slightest.
the issue is - it will always be this way so rightly or wrongly I have to help her underhand.

What is the fundraising actually for?
Is it lifesaving treatment not currently available in the UK?
Is it to fund research into the illness?
Or is it just for a treat for the child?
I highly doubt it's just for a treat for the child. The intention of the school is good.

Maybe your daughter and you can arrange some fundraising for her condition?

But your DD is getting to the age where she can see that she has a life long condition that won't be cured. So maybe she needs time and space to explore this and her feelings around it. Does she have councilling?

@Mumdiva99 i have no issue with the schools response by the way - just so that is clear and I will also donate. I don’t think the school is doing anything wrong by the girl or my daughter.
we have tried to get therapy for years with little success.

Your poor daughter, sounds like she has had a rough time of it and her reaction is very natural. I'm not sure why the school's approach to the child with cancer is so different. They might want to think about organising a fundraising day for a charity supporting your daughter's condition further down the line?

Your DD is understandably feeling jealous and confused.
It's not fair. Life's not fair but even more so as a child.
She has been, and going through an awful time and it must be so hard to see others getting special treatment for their illness and not hers.
It must be very difficult to understand.

All you can do is support her the way you have been and be in corner and let her vent about unfairness of it all.
She sounds like she's a real warrior and I feel so sad for her that she has these feelings to deal with on top of her Illness.

@JoanOgden the thing is their response isn’t unusual. It’s not a school issue as such. It is like it in all walks of life. I think the issue is that before it was almost in the background where as now in her life daily.

I feel a bit jealous on her behalf! It’s a normal reaction and understandable. How old is she? Doesn’t really matter as any age it’s understandable but changes the way you deal with it and the school somewhat.

she misses out on so much stuff and to her, this kid has only just got unwell and has loads of fuss made about them.

I also think as kids age they stop getting fussed over by medical staff - par for the course of getting older but stickers stop, and free books/cuddly toys.

could you ask if the hospital have a certificate you could print out for being brave signed by a nurse or doctor? Something she can hold and say look I am brave and noticed. And if you can afford it/it is medically possible some sort of special day trip or I don’t know - it’s incredibly difficult.

honestly I’d just try to avoid the stuff with this other poor child. Keep your daughter’s attention away and don’t try to make her participate.

Also, sending an invisible certificate of bravery to you - you deserve recognition too

A sense of fairness, equity and balance is entirely age-appropriate. We spend so much time telling them to share, be fair, include and then your DD sees it not happening? No wonder she's confused and upset.

I'd let her have her feelings. Are there therapy (play or art) available to her to work through it? Because it's also possible she's hung some pretty complicated emotions about her illness on this small hook. If she's been stoic and calm all this time, there might be a lot going on under the surface.

Sounds like life has been really tough for you both I can see why it has stirred up emotions. I think, I would be thinking what about me too in the circumstances. Your DD certainly deserves some nice treats, are there any charities connected to your DD condition that could help? Or set up a go fund me or just giving page. Given what your DD is going through, people would be generous I am sure.

That’s the issue - the school took the convo with myself so well despite being incredibly nervous about having it.
they are a lovely school, I have had 0 issues with them. Their reaction is the same reaction in general people have.
the fundraiser is not for personal reasons or medical - it’s for the place treating her but empathised it’s because they are helping your friend if that makes sense.
the school has not put a foot wrong because unfortunately it’s how the world views these things.

Hi @Notintheparentingbooks I pretty much echo what everyone else says here and very much understand how your daughter feels.

Have you thought about contacting the make a wish foundation to see if they would grant a wish and make a special day for your daughter?

https://www.make-a-wish.org.uk/wishes/apply-for-a-wish/

Regarding charities - that is one of the main reasons I think she has this bent up resent and why it’s now just gone bang.
there is 0 charities directly for her condition.
then you have a few like make a wish but apart from that there isn’t any she can access.
the community friends and days etc have always been a bit of an odd one she is one vs 20 if that makes sense.
the stupid shoes 😂😂has been going on for 3 years - it’s just a pair of shoes that they can design and then the shoes are made and she saw a few children get them but they are like many charities oncology specific.

This is probably at the impetus of the parents tbh. So I would tell your dd this and that it didn’t occur to you to do announcements and fundraisers for her because you’re busy loving and caring for her.

I also think you should speak to the head of the school and let your dd know when you’ve done so. This isn’t about their response to what you say. It’s about telling your dd that people kind of forget about something that’s in front of their nose. But when something happens to a person, when you’re not expecting it, that can be destabilising for everyone around.

Do try to get her to understand it isn’t personal. Also let her know you aren’t necessarily expecting the school to change what they’re doing with regards to her as she’s going to a new school soon. Rather that this is to let them know that it is hurtful to her so that that they’ll think about doing things differently next time for someone else.

Maybe you could organise something next spring etc as now or after Christmas isn’t the best time. Children used to organise sweet / cake sales to raise money at dd’s former primary. If the school is open to doing something for / with you, you could ask if the school could raise money leading up to the leavers events if she’s leaving in July, which could be dedicated to the local hospital treating your dd.

Sending hugs from one medically complex needs mum to another. I totally understand where you are coming from and want to say I think you are amazing with how you are going about it. It's very difficult when your child has a rare condition that doesn't have the same recognition as things like cancer as there is much less in the way of support. We also find that because my son is developmentally on track, it cuts out a whole other source of support as there is very little for families whose child has lots of complex health needs but educationally has no barriers.

I'm not sure if you have heard of the teapot trust but they are an absolutely fantastic charity who offer art therapy sessions for children and their families going through situations like this. They do in person session's as well as over Zoom. They have been a huge help to our family and not sure if of interest. Please feel free to pm if you want any further information on them. Sending you and your daughter a hug.

I think I'd be feeling the same as your daughter. She's obviously dealing with a significant and life altering illness, why no awareness and fundraising for where she is treated.
As an adult I can see the difference even if I don't like it, as a child who lives with the impact of her illness everyday I don't think I would, or should.

I did speak to the head teacher and she was vey understanding and said that it needed to be raised. They wasn’t mean honestly. One of the biggest things didn’t actually come from the school and is where there was some miscommunication with my daughter which was the initial trigger.
they other girl has been granted via again specific charity reasons a device meaning when she is not in school she can be in class this was intitially what triggered it as for whatever reason this was played back to my daughter ( diff classes so not sure why )I’m guessing the excitement over it.
daughter mis understood this as the school getting it and couldn’t understand why no one cares she isn’t in class.
this turned out not to be organised by the school and they are supporting me in an application for one to the LA as we haven’t got s charity that finds them but it will likely be turned down. I did explain to DD once I knew that it wasn’t the school but then she cried about the cards and fundraisers and then I realised I had a bigger problem 🙈

Can you find a way to buy the shoes yourself and get a kind nurse to pretend that she’s/he’s decided your dd should have a pair? Maybe get the contact details of the manufacturers of the shoes.

@Outnumberedbywillies thank you for that I will 100 percent have a look !

Probably way off the mark here but could you/her set up a charity for her condition if there isn’t one? All charities had to be started somewhere I suppose?!

I can understand her point though, it must be hard. Hope they both feel well soon!

@Mummyoflittledragon i tried to get to contact the charity directly to say I don’t mind paying for them and asked who they used but they wouldn’t tell me which you know is fair enough.
we do have a company who does it but are very expensive.
I will try get her some for Xmas though.

@Greybluewhite we have tried it doesn’t take off- it doesn’t have the same effect.