I dislike DSS

[paddlinman]

I know I'm being unreasonable but I really dislike him

He's 16 and we've recently moved house and he's now here most the time but I disliked him prior to moving. He doesn't shower often or brush his teeth, he's rude, disrespectful and lies all the time. From silly things to telling DH I hit him. He doesn't eat at the table, he instead takes food to his room and doesn't listen when we tell him no. He doesn't bring his plates down so he has lots in his room until either me or DH have had enough and get them for him. His room also has loads of food packets and bottles that haven't been thrown away. He also ignores us about that. His mum isn't interested and says he's the same there but she lets him get on with it.

He's also inappropriate with having his hands down his trousers and DH tells him multiple times to stop and he does but then does it again soon after.

Me and DH are happy together and I don't want to split with him over this but I don't know what to do.

OP, you and your DH need to come up with a plan of action. No new plate of food unless the other plate has been brought down, scraped and rinsed off. No taking drinks into his room without the old containers, cups etc. are brought out and disposed of, rinsed, recycled or whatever. Your DH has to be the one to implement the showering, teeth brushing and hands down the pants. You both need to tell him, together, that these are the rules for you living here.

Typical teenage boy behavior--no wonder society is falling apart and failing. We have no standards any longer.

You could say literally the same thing about every single post on mumsnet where we have one person telling us about another. What do you want us to do, give OP a lie detector test? Why are people so protective of a 16 year old who's literally never even going to see this thread? It's not like OP's response is even disproportionate. It's not as if she's threatening to report him to the police or something.

I wouldn't like that behaviour either, and didn't tolerate it from my children. I would talk to my partner and agree a set of rules you both enforce and then take a decision after that. It sounds as if it is his behaviour rather than him which is most of the problem ( the lying about you is different and needs to be addressed separately), so give him a chance to learn.

The fact you've never had the issue doesn't make it a good idea. I specifically explained why it could become an issue. I did not say it would result from 'festering plates'. Actually in almost all cultures in the world throughout all of human history sharing food has been considered to be an important social ritual and a chance for families to catch up and find out what's going on in each other's lives.

You've created a silly false binary between 'great amazing ritual' and 'just food'. This kind of antisocial, utilitarian thinking is one of the things that produces this kind of incompetent, useless, antisocial teenagers and then excuses it as normal to avoid taking responsibility.

Many of these things are teenager things that are quite normal and obviously he doesn’t like you so isn’t behaving.
why di t anyone ever consider the children when they force families together?

Is this why there's so many shitty men about? Because this behaviour is excused as normal?

I suspect so. This one has at least 3 adults in his life who enable him to behave this way and from the apologism of other posters, this kind of permissive, no-standards parenting is not rare. Some of these boys might turn themselves around some day, but most will have no motivation.

I love how you say 'many' of them are normal teenager things and just completely ignore the big ones that aren't. Also, he behaves the same way with his mother so it's not merely that he dislikes OP or hates being a stepchild. Not coincidentally, his own mother isn't interested and just lets him do it.

Her DH needs to put his 16 yr old "child" first and teach him how to behave in normal society.

Usual po-faced SM club responses.

Is the behaviour normal?

Well it can be, have a look at the teenage board on here?

Most of the behaviour is fairly non-descript - messy room, hand down trousers, leaving pots, poor hygiene etc etc. Most of it can be ignored or left to your DH to solve.

The hitting thing is more worrying. It sounds like he hates the OP as much as she hates him?

Yet another woman unable/unwilling to get on with her DSCs and forge even the most basic relationship with them? That's on you and your DH, OP. You're the adults here.

However, in your defence OP, 16 year old boys are the pits. That's how it is, I've got one here. If you have your own kids, you'll see that one day. They usually emerge from their cave when they're 18 or so and make half decent adults.

But yes, kick him out, tell your DH you won't put up with it, change the locks. Problem solved.

Couldn't agree more! This is neither normal nor should be considered normal. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yep. People have such low expectations of teen behaviour and effectively enable it. It’s ridiculous.

Perhaps he was brought up well and was normal, until, from his point of view, his dad took up with a woman who isn't his mother, who took most of dads affection,and spoiled their previously settled life. I think teenagers are even more unsettled by family break up and find it harder to adjust, than younger children.
Any one taking on a new partner with teenage children, needs patience, boundaries, extremely good humour, and a skin as thick as a rhino. Teenagers are often angry at life in general, even when the family is still together.

Just because your son is like this doesn't mean all or even most 16 year old boys are like this. That's what we mean by 'normal'. People on the mumsnet teenager board are not representative of most parents of teenagers you know. That's why they're posting on an internet forum for advice.

Perhaps OP is in fact an alien. How is this helpful? There's nothing whatsoever in OP's post to suggest this is a reaction to family breakup. You literally don't even know how long OP has been with DH.

Well it can be, have a look at the teenage board on here?

Does anyone post about their decent, respectful, no problem teens?

‘However, in your defence OP, 16 year old boys are the pits. That's how it is, I've got one here’

Mine wasn’t. Neither were his friends. I was loving but clear about what was not acceptable. He didn’t behave like this therefore, and is now a delightful 21y old and we are very close.

Raise your expectations and put boundaries down and your son may surprise you.

@Pollyputhekettleon lol I never said my DS was like this. I agreed that 16 year olds can be hard work and troublesome. Not all of them but some of them. Posters are acting like the boy is murdering cats rather than leaving pots in his room which is easily sorted "Oy shitface, fetch those pots from your room please"

But people coming on here and talking about their own perfect 16 year olds that help old ladies across the road and are on board to get 53 A GCSEs aren't helping either. NOTHING that the OP describes is anything other than fairly typical teen boy behaviour. Just because your boy is perfect doesn't mean all boys are (give yourself a parenting medal). And she and her DH need to address that appropriately without negativity and declarations of disliking a boy who has every right to live with his Dad without the OP glowering in the background like Cinderella's stepmother.

It is fine for you to dislike the behaviour though I imagine with a stepchild, complicated dynamics are at play. But re his behaviour:

He doesn't shower often or brush his teeth Teens can neglect hygiene but it’s fine to firmly remind them to shower and brush teeth regularly.

rude, disrespectful He needs to be told that this is unacceptable, and sanctions should be considered if it crosses a line or he doesn’t reflect or apologise.

From silly things to telling DH I hit him Abnormal behaviour.

He doesn't eat at the table, he instead takes food to his room and doesn't listen when we tell him no rude not to eat family meals together when asked. Maybe ask for at least half the meals to be together.

He doesn't bring his plates down so he has lots in his room until either me or DH have had enough and get them for him. His room also has loads of food packets and bottles that haven't been thrown away We allow snacks, glasses and plates in rooms but they have to be brought down at the end of every day.

He's also inappropriate with having his hands down his trousers Not normal. My son never did and finds it gross.

We have a similar issue with our adopted DD1 (14). She has SEN, and has recently been diagnosed with FASD (Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). She eats upstairs, and is very messy. And yes, she spills a lot of food. We’re gradually encouraging her to eat downstairs, though, and she’s improving.

We’ve never had an issue with mice or rats, though this might be because we have 3 cats who kill all the mice they find outside, and sometimes a young rat.

DD1 also has hygiene issues, getting her to have a bath/shower is very hard work and she often refuses point blank. She swears and can be aggressive. Getting her to change her knickers, even her sanitary towels has been very hard, and I’m tearing my hair out sometimes.

This, too, is gradually improving, however, thankfully. She’s become more cooperative about this during the last year.

So I do empathise with the OP. Sometimes I really struggle to like DD1, though I do love her dearly and want to help her. But she is my own DD, and I made a commitment to be her mother when my DH and I adopted her. It’s very different with a stepchild.

It’s also different when you know there are SEN involved. There’s nothing (that we know of) to suggest that the OP’s DSS has SEN.

I do feel for him, though, as it sounds as if the adults in his life have given up on him.

Another one! I literally commented up thread about this bizarre phenomenon of teenager apologist telling an OP that some terrible behaviour is normal, then clarifying that actually their teenager is nothing like that. Why on earth are you all doing that?

You said: '16 year old boys are the pits. That's how it is, I've got one here. If you have your own kids, you'll see that one day.' How does that become 'lol no mine's not like this.'

A lot of you clearly have Cinderella issues you need to go away and deal with. You're not helping anyone, least of all the stepchildren you're projecting your issues onto.

Yes this soooo much. People are so selfish mixing families like this and assuming it’s all going to work out.

Anyone taking on a new partner with teenage children, needs patience, boundaries, extremely good humour, and skin as thick as a rhino. Teenagers are often angry at life in general, even when family is still together.

This is all so true regardless of whether families are together or not. However, taking on a teen has a lot of complexities.

My dd was dating a 16 yo boy for a very short while, whose dad has recently remarried. I have heard his mum was super super strict but has had to back off completely as he has refused to obey the rules anymore, shouting, swearing etc.

From what I’ve heard from people, who know the family, he sounds pretty angry about it all and has displayed some self destructive behaviour, getting drunk and going off alone etc. He got expelled shortly before his exams - private so the the threshold is much lower and would not have happened in state. He is also seeking the thrill of having more than one gf at a time, stringing girls along etc.

Idk what this boy is like at home but he’s manifesting his displeasure in life imo. Just the things he is doing are different. I oscillate from being really annoyed about how he is treating girls in general and feeling sorry for him.

I get being accused of hitting a 16 yo is serious. However I hope my little anecdote gives you comfort that this isn’t about you, but about him, rather like chasing my dd when this boy already had a gf and snogging a 3rd girl, negging my dd then dumping her was not about my dd at all.

Now that this has become serious, your dh really needs to sort this out, maybe get your dss some therapy if he’s that angry. But please do remember that much as he’s big and powerful he is still very much a kid and hopefully he can come out the other side from this and will realise his behaviour was awful.

I always found bribery very useful.

I think he must have very little self esteem if he’s so grubby. In our house showering etc was not an option.
His father, rather than you, must insist on it. Can you come up with some reward for, say, cooperating all week? Pocket money could be deployed for this.

As for meals, a weekend reward for eating at the table? Choosing a takeaway that he can eat wherever he likes?
Make sure you don’t use the meal time to complain about his behaviour, however justified you are.

I would sit him down with both parents present and talk seriously about his allegation that you hit him.
Is he intending to create serious trouble?
He probably knows his school would act on his allegations.
I expect he is hoping to split you and his father. Whether he succeeds is, of course, up to you.
I would refuse to be alone in the house with him if this isn’t very quickly nipped in the bud.

The fact you've never had the issue doesn't make it a good idea. I specifically explained why it could become an issue. I did not say it would result from 'festering plates'. Actually in almost all cultures in the world throughout all of human history sharing food has been considered to be an important social ritual and a chance for families to catch up and find out what's going on in each other's lives.

You've created a silly false binary between 'great amazing ritual' and 'just food'. This kind of antisocial, utilitarian thinking is one of the things that produces this kind of incompetent, useless, antisocial teenagers and then excuses it as normal to avoid taking responsibility.

So ignorant and binary it's unbelievable. Hardly the bastion of teenage behaviour. Wow.