I dislike DSS

[paddlinman]

I know I'm being unreasonable but I really dislike him

He's 16 and we've recently moved house and he's now here most the time but I disliked him prior to moving. He doesn't shower often or brush his teeth, he's rude, disrespectful and lies all the time. From silly things to telling DH I hit him. He doesn't eat at the table, he instead takes food to his room and doesn't listen when we tell him no. He doesn't bring his plates down so he has lots in his room until either me or DH have had enough and get them for him. His room also has loads of food packets and bottles that haven't been thrown away. He also ignores us about that. His mum isn't interested and says he's the same there but she lets him get on with it.

He's also inappropriate with having his hands down his trousers and DH tells him multiple times to stop and he does but then does it again soon after.

Me and DH are happy together and I don't want to split with him over this but I don't know what to do.

I've never seen such a pattern. If a woman posted on here that her own teenage son was behaving as described above, everyone (other than the teenager apologists...) would be telling her to sort her son out.

Do you even notice you're framing this as a mere 'conflict' between an adult and a child by the way? That's absolutely not what OP is describing.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. Normal??? I'm sorry but no. My son has just turned 17. He knows not to bring dishes upstairs and he definitely knows about hygiene and not having his hands shoved down his trousers. Normal??? Seriously???? Clearly if you are a parent and this is a standard for your child you find acceptable, then you need to set some new standards. Yuk.
I would like to add OP that it sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, and if the boys mother won't step up in her own environment, your DH with your support will really need to try and instigate some boundaries. Can you get him to start small and work towards bigger goals?

Hand down the trousers - SO many teenage boys do this. It feels odd but surprisingly normal. Worst I ever saw was when I lived with my aunt and her son and she had to remind him EVERYDAY lol. He was 17 - stopped now I hope 🙃

Everything else, well ultimately as the son, he's first to your DH and you're the disposable one. So I'd ask your DH what to do

Any of this helpful to op or are you just letting off steam? Are you defending a near adult lying about being assaulted? How odd.

Post this week. DP pulls 14 year old SC up on her behaviour. 14 yr old SC calls DP a fat cunt. Countless posts siding with the SC and urging mum to put her DC first and leave DP

Literally nothing “lol” about what you’re describing. And the rest of your post says more about you than OP or the situation she’s describing. “Disposable” 🤮

Er, I'm not going to accept your summary of some post I haven't seen you know. Nor is one example a pattern. Anyway, as someone above said, the OP is asking for help in the specific circumstances she's asking us about. The hypocrisy or otherwise of people on here is irrelevant to her.

@Twoshoesnewshoes

Poor kid?
He's lying about being hit - how does that make him a poor kid?

17 year olds used to be expected to go to war and walk towards enemy guns. Now we're lolling at them publicly masturbating? Really? Are girls walking around secondary schools at the age of 17 with their hands down their pants having to be told daily by their teachers to save it for the bedroom? Is there anything people won't redefine as 'normal' to match the lowering of our collective standards? This is insane.

The OP dislikes her 16 Yr old step child. The reasons for that are immaterial. He is a child. Her DH needs to put his child first and remove him from a hostile environment. The whys and wherefores are immaterial

Some of us here actually want what's best for everyone involved. Your peculiar beef about hypocrisy, double standards, stepchildren etc is not particularly rational you know. I won't be engaging with you any further.

@Pollyputhekettleon

You're misunderstanding . I'm not saying I agree or accept the hand down trousers thing, just that I've seen a lot of it.

With teenage girls, while I've not seen that I've known of a lot of the 'no bath or shower' group. I know a few horror stories on that front....

No you don't. You just want to vilify a 16 Yr old lad without knowing the full story

100%

Don't understand the frothing about eating in rooms. Yes its gross not to bring plates down.

Maybe its because my dd has ASD and misophonia so we let her. However I know loads of kids who do.

The lies and the pants are the bigger deal.

Firstly it's extremely antisocial and is usually facilitating screen/gaming addiction. Secondly it's a recipe for getting mice and rats because the average teenager eating in their rooms is not cleaning it daily as a kitchen table/floor generally is. Third most parents are only allowing it because they're afraid to upset the little darlings. If lots of kids do it that's just another indictment of the state of 21st century western families and parenting standards. Kids with specific issues are a whole other ballgame.

He's 16. Not an adult and yes, I am defending him because he's a child living in a hostile environment with a SP that actively dislikes him

@paddlinman
I love how these threads go by some people, when they say your just going to have to suck it up all because they are a precious step child, 1st of if you to own the home you have a right to set rules and boundaries and not just suck it up cause its a sk, you have a right to feel comfortable in your home, he's 16 not 6 so should show some bloody respect, if it was my ss I would be telling him how it is, you know why cause I pay half of the mortgage and I'm not going to just bite my tongue as to upset anybody. Me and dp bought this house together so not like I just moved in.

Then I suggest you don't enter into any sort of relationship where step children are involved

We don't know what his life is like. We've read a very short post, could be true or not.

Mice and rats. Never had this issue.
I guess if plates are left festering but still.

Not antisocial either. Loads of familes don't eat together for whatever reason. It's not some great amazing ritual. It's just food.

Maybe OP dislikes him because he's telling lies about her?

But I forgot, she's a stepmum and hence must be evil.

OP the lying really needs addressing. I also wouldn't tolerate skipping family meals. If he doesn't want to participate, is he made to do his own cooking? Definitely a red flag if you've ended up acting as his skivy.

Not really, unless you mean a spoilt teenager who has been allowed to do whatever he wants and get away with it.

YANBU to dislike him. He sounds extremely unlike able.

The not showering/teeth brushing is rank. It’s normal-ish for 12 when they get sent to do it if they haven’t already. Not normal at this age.

The masturbating in public is far from normal. The only boy I have ever seen doing it has very severe learning delay.

The lying that the op hit him would be a deal breaker for me.
What if he says this at school? The school will be obliged to act on his allegations.
I wouldn’t be in the house alone with him.

The plates, well I could let it go. I suppose. Or not cook for him, if he refuses to bring the plates down.

Whose house is it? Yours, his, or joint?
If it’s yours you can make your house rules. You call the shots.

If it’s his or joint, you and your dh need to agree on house rules. Agree appropriate sanctions for breaking them. Loss of pocket money, removal of game console, whatever works.
Then stick to them.

i think you need to insist that Dss is only in the home if your dh is too. dh has to step up and parent this child, for everybody’s sake. I expect that’s going to be inconvenient, but tough.