Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband and wfh

72 replies

Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 19:19

My husband used to do 2 days in the office (my days off with kids at home).
Recently he has been wfh those days too but doesn’t tell me until the morning and basically doesn’t consult or think I need to know.

This might be ok if our office space wasn’t in the open plan, main living area of the house..so we’re having to be quiet if he is on a call, he’s making comments about what everyone is doing and I can’t really have play dates etc.

He told me that one of the days he’ll be here more often because of certain things happening at work which mean it’s too busy for staff to go in. Fine. He’s now started staying home the other day though but doesn’t tell me until the morning- last week it’s because he wasn’t feeling well..

So I asked him what the plan going forward is. I knew he would be defensive, and he was..
He basically said he doesn’t know when he’ll be home, that it shouldn’t matter to me and that it’s his house and he can be here whenever. He said that it’s clear I don’t want to be around him etc.

I categorically said it wasn’t about him, it’s about having ANY time on the house where I’m alone (although I have a toddler and school age child). I am out at work we’d-fri and kids are in nursery, so he’s alone.

He just kept saying oh I’ll tell you to leave on a Friday, oh piss off.. Even though I was just trying to explain why the one day (half of what we’d agreed and been doing since covid) was just a time for me to not feel as though I have to potter and go out so as not to disturb him!

So ami being unreasonable expecting this? He says he has no control, but I don’t think this is true. I know his boss and I know he basically would prefer to be home because he tends to power through work and then watch YouTube for a bit, then go back to work. He can’t do that in the office.

We are going to move the office space but honestly I still feel like one day where I can have people over and do play dates isn’t a big ask, when he has an office to go to!

OP posts:
TaIkingShite · 04/10/2023 19:35

I know what everyone will come along and say as they always do on the wfh posts. But I'd also be thinking when is his time to have a day to himself?

XMissPlacedX · 04/10/2023 19:39

Op, I get it. It annoys the hell out of me when dh works from home and expects me and the kids to be quiet all day because he is working.

gamerchick · 04/10/2023 19:46

Well you won't be creeping about anymore will you. Normal family noise levels and it might shift him to sort out office space out the way of the household.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 04/10/2023 19:49

If he chooses to work from home, fair enough. But he also needs to take on board that it isn't a library with guaranteed silence. It's the family home with all the associated mess, chaos and noise.

I would point blank refuse to be quiet.

WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 19:50

Keep noise levels normal, no obligation to keep around, and have play dates if you wish.

He needs to set up a home office properly if he doesn't wish to work in the office

Frosty1000 · 04/10/2023 19:51

I'd just carry on as normal to be honest. I frequently hoover and clatter around and have play dates when dh is here, but he's in a room where he can shut the door. Make sure when you move the office area it has a door then he can shut it and you are not disturbing him with playdates etc.

WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 19:51

I often work from home in a very responsible job with lots of meetings and would never ask the family to be quiet , it's on me to have a sensible set up or go to the office to work

TwilightSkies · 04/10/2023 19:55

Why is it always men that do this?
Insist on working in the main family space of the house and then expecting the family to tip toe round them?

WeWereInParis · 04/10/2023 19:55

I think it's very annoying if the office space is in the main living area. Is there anywhere else he can work?

But for one of the days where he says there isn't space for staff to go in that day, it doesn't really sound like he has a choice. Unless you think he's just lying about it.

UsingChangeofName · 04/10/2023 19:57

He can absolutely choose to wfh, but if there is a toddler there, then it is their home too.
If he needs quiet, he needs to move his workstation into a bedroom where he can close the door.

So He INBU to prefer wfh
He IBU to expect an open plan family home with a toddler in it to be arranged around him needing quiet.

YANBU to explain that to him.

MindatWork · 04/10/2023 19:57

YANBU OP - it’s your (and your children’s) home before it’s his office space, and it’s completely unreasonable for you to have to keep quiet and not go about your daily business when he’s working from home.

I think this is a hangover from lockdown, ie that the line between home and work has become blurred and people (usually women) are having to keep out of the way of the big important man doing his big important man job. There have been countless similar posts on here over the last few years.

Get him to sort a separate working space and crack on as usual.

(My DH has wfh since before covid and before we had DC so we’ve been through these discussions!)

AbitSceptical · 04/10/2023 19:58

Do you have enough garden space to build a shed-office?

DH built one for himself in lockdown - wasn’t too expensive that way - and it means he and all his stuff are out of the way.

BungalowBuyer · 04/10/2023 19:58

I like the house to myself when I'm WFH, in anticipation of DP retiring in the near future we're having a garden office built so he won't disturb me when I'm working and I have some space to myself.

I'm currently working in a reception room which isn't ideal but we don't have a spare room anymore.

Your current set up doesn't sound practical at all.

Turnthelightoff · 04/10/2023 20:03

Is there somewhere more out of the way he can work in the house? I’d make him pack his stuff up from the communal area in anticipation of your day off, you’ll need that kitchen table for the coffee morning/baking/deep cleaning etc and reclaim the house for your day off and your toddler. See where he decides to take himself off to work when you do that.

sandyhappypeople · 04/10/2023 20:06

If he’s moving his office space to be out of your way then YABU.

if he’s insistent on being in the main area of the house and you have to keep out of his way all day YANBU.

HettyMeg · 04/10/2023 20:09

I don't think you're unreasonable to expect better communication.

randomrandom · 04/10/2023 20:10

He basically said he doesn’t know when he’ll be home, that it shouldn’t matter to me and that it’s his house and he can be here whenever. He said that it’s clear I don’t want to be around him etc.

You aren't being unreasonable and my response would be that it is also your home, and you won't be adjusting things to accommodate. So he needs to find a way to operate with the background noise

Original poster
Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 20:22

Thanks for the replies. He is very sensitive, but would never admit to this and just gets defensive straight away. He nearly took a job wfh 5 days and I suggested an outdoor office he took as him being ‘shoved outside in the garden’ 🙃

Weve moved our kids into bunk beds And I said he need to move the desk etc into the spare room. I’m not sure when this will happen.

To be honest it’s the lack of communication and thought for me that annoying. He doesn’t explain the situations and I think he exaggerates the not going into the office bit- the busy work isn’t every week, and his boss would be accommodating. It also used to only be one of these days I’m at home that this would be one and suddenly, in this evenings discussion, it’s potentially everyday. Which just isn’t true. And I think this is also why he’s so defensive.

to the poster who asked about the days to himself- how about every Wed-Fri (he has v v flexible working so doesn’t do much on a fri) and he also has the weekend- he does sports then too. I literally have no day I could have to myself because he is ALWAYS here.

I think a bit of distance is nice, to be able to potter and have stuff to talk about. Be he’s here when I wake, as soon as I get home and the entirety of every other day apart from going to the gym for an hour or so.

im hoping moving the office will help but eventually we’ll need that room back.. and I’m hoping he stops being so bloody self absorbed that it makes it hard for him to understand why being in the house alone, might be nice!

OP posts:
ChesapeakeBay · 04/10/2023 20:24

TaIkingShite · 04/10/2023 19:35

I know what everyone will come along and say as they always do on the wfh posts. But I'd also be thinking when is his time to have a day to himself?

It's literally in the OP!

Original poster
Pammela2 · 04/10/2023 20:24

Turnthelightoff · 04/10/2023 20:03

Is there somewhere more out of the way he can work in the house? I’d make him pack his stuff up from the communal area in anticipation of your day off, you’ll need that kitchen table for the coffee morning/baking/deep cleaning etc and reclaim the house for your day off and your toddler. See where he decides to take himself off to work when you do that.

I wish I could do that. It is a section of the house that is attached to the living area through an alcove, so it’s own area, just very open to the living room which is then attached to kitchen/dining. He also has 3 screens for his v important job, so difficult manual labour to move every week..😂
I’ve told him to move into the now spare room but I’ll see how long that actually takes..🤪

OP posts:
parcelpanic · 04/10/2023 20:25

Had similar issues here. Solved by 2 year old pestering him constantly I told him I wasn't going to stop her so up to him

TaIkingShite · 04/10/2023 20:27

ChesapeakeBay · 04/10/2023 20:24

It's literally in the OP!

Show quote history

Whilst not working? Like OP is asking for? Wfh alone, and day to yourself not working is 2 different things.

Wanttobekind · 04/10/2023 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Zanatdy · 04/10/2023 20:28

I’d say that you will be making plans on those days and if he is WFH he goes to another room or copes with the noise

WrongSwanson · 04/10/2023 20:41

ChesapeakeBay · 04/10/2023 20:24

It's literally in the OP!

Show quote history

Ops not having a day to herself though, she's looking after children.